Healing the Matriarch

As I look back on my journey as a mother I sense it as one of the most fulfilling roles in my life. I was ‘meant’ to be a mother, yet it was definitely not easy and some days it would exhaust me to the core. I began motherhood in my mid-twenties, two years after marrying my husband. At the time we were only just entering adulthood ourselves. Neither of us really knew what we were getting into, and I suspect no-one truly does. Here are some retrospective thoughts I would share with women (and their partners) contemplating or already in the throes of the parenting role.

There is no manual: –

My university education and profession were in early childhood teaching. I have over the years accumulated an intimate knowledge of young children’s development. Once I fell pregnant, I thought I might be a bit ahead of the ball game with this parenting thing, and so did my husband. Our expectations of what life would be like with a newborn were quickly brought down to earth when she arrived. I can honestly say that nothing prepares you for the first three months of your first child’s life.

The intricacies of this tiny creature are learnt on the job. Feeding, settling, endless washing and nappy changing become mind boggling. You will search for patterns of behaviour and everyday your baby will bring a new one. It will not be until months down the track that you finally surface back into the world and feel you have any idea of what you are supposed to do.

So: Be kind to yourself. Just be with your baby and surround them with your love. Support each other as parents as this has been a huge transition and it will take time to feel your way. Don’t take the words of the parenting books and information too much to heart unless it mirrors the reality of your experience. Seek out other young parents and if in doubt ask for some professional reassurance. You will be fine; no-one expects perfection and babies are resilient to all the attempts we make to work them out.

It will change your life: –

I love when I hear conversation from a young couple who glowingly say that their baby will fit right into their lifestyle (not the other way around). Once they are parents it soon becomes evident that the baby becomes central to the family and their needs become paramount. While it is a brave stance to take, I believe it has some merit. Once you have children being a family takes priority, yet it is also important to advocate for time for yourself and as a couple.

Having your first child, and then their subsequent siblings, is the quickest way to become less self-focused. The beautiful life lesson of parenthood is that part of our maturity in life is to step into adulthood and its responsibilities. That includes caring deeply about not only our partner, but also our growing family. We are no longer the centre of our own universe. The skills we learn are also helpful outside the parenting arena – effective communication, leadership, and prioritizing responsibilities.

The job of parenting is best done with massive support from each other, family, friends, and others in our community. Families need our support throughout the journey of parenthood, and we need the contribution and energy of families in our community.

So: View becoming a mother (and father) as a vocation with the greatest life lessons. Your children will teach you more about yourself and life than any book or other person.  Embrace the role knowing it is a continual evolution with your children. Keep a sense of fun, adventure and laugh a lot together.

Along the way, keep a sense of who you are as a person and as a couple. Find ways to create the delicate balance between your own interests, your partners, and those of your growing family.

It’s a lifelong assignment: –

My husband and I are now beyond the ‘empty nest’. Our children are now parents themselves and we have five beautiful grandchildren. We have celebrated our children’s achievements through the years. We have worried sick about them at times. We’ve tried to reserve judgement, on most occasions, as we moved to the sidelines and allowed them to step closer to independence. It has been an incremental journey. One that starts with the helpless newborn to the inquisitive child and then the petulant and distant adolescent. We’ve had to give them huge amounts of space as they left the family nest only to find them understanding us more and seeking our advice and support once they became parents themselves. A beautiful full circle.

So: – Conserve your energy along the parenting journey. After all, it is a marathon, not a sprint. At times it seems a lifetime away that your children will be adults. Yet time will fly and there will be so many memories to recall. As much as you will mould them in the process, they will also mould you.

There is a life after parenthood.

Once you reach the vantage point beyond parenting, you realize that there is another horizon. A time to uncover pastimes, passions, and skills from the past. Some perhaps from well before your children were born. Its also a time to take on interests and adventures that are completely new.

You may surprise your children with hidden talents, accumulated wisdom, and things they didn’t know about you as a person. Your children now have the opportunity to appreciate you as an equal. You’ll continue to be their constant example of future possibilities.

I genuinely believe there is a time for everything. Priorities change over our lives. There will be opportunities to experience what life has to offer, but not necessarily everything at the same time. Embrace the role of parenthood while you can.

I would say I qualify to give some advice on this topic as I have moved numerous times in my six decades or so of life. Not so much as a child, where I grew up in the same house until I was eighteen years old. Rather during my married life, when as a family we were posted to various locations with the RAAF (Royal Australian Air Force) and later continuing to change our location as a family and finally as an ‘empty nested’ couple.

Each move became easier as we were increasingly familiar with the logistics of the process. One of the advantages of having a transient lifestyle in life is the ability to stay relatively minimalist in regard to our possessions. We learnt the longer you stay in one place, the more you accumulate and the more likelihood things begin to lurk in the back of your cupboards, pantries, and wardrobes. Moving to a new home gives the ideal opportunity to cull your life possessions as you lovingly pack them into cardboard boxes for removal.

If you are contemplating a change of address it is never too early to plan. Once you come to the decision that you are downsizing or relocating, envision how the furniture you currently have will suit a new home. If you are going for a partial or complete new look, think about how this can happen. It can be a good time to replace old for new, prior to moving, keeping in mind the configuration of your new dwelling. For example, if you are downsizing you will need less furniture and smaller dimensions so you don’t overcrowd the space. Decide the fate of any existing furniture – donation, selling online or giving it to family/friends. Be aware they may not share your taste in home decorating.

House 1: The one you are leaving

• Give yourself a good amount of time for planning and packing prior to removal day.
• Be flexible with your removal date. If this is possible, you can ‘piggyback’ on other loads by a removalist. This usually entices them to discount the removal cost.
• You have been culling your possessions within your current space. Now you need to pack only what is going with you. Everything else is disposed of, donated, or sold to its new owner.
• Pack boxes within the rooms they are currently located. If you have garage space this becomes handy as a partial or full storage unit. This depends on available additional driveway or carport space to temporarily park your vehicle.
• Label each box with the name of the room e.g. Bedroom 1, Kitchen etc. Add a brief description, in point form, of contents. Label the top and side with location. Suitcases and bags also work well for packing items such as clothes and shoes.
• Keep potential items for several boxes marked ‘Essentials’. These are the things you want to unpack for the first night in your new home. Include basic kitchen supplies, several towels and basic bathroom supplies and linen for each bedroom. Alternatively give yourself the luxury of booking a place to stay close to your new home for the first night. You will feel exhausted.
• Once all boxes are packed create an inventory of your furniture. List the major pieces of furniture and number of boxes per room. This will make it easier at the other end to identify everything has safely made it to your new home.

Half the process is now done. Removal day arrives and your life shifts before your eyes as furniture comes out of your current home, into a truck, ready to go to your new residence. Hopefully, you have had a good sleep the night before and have energy for this important day. If you have the opportunity walk through your home, say your goodbyes in a ritualistic way and take in the memories. Believe you will create a whole new set of memories in your new home too.

House 2: The one you are moving into

• Move in the large furniture and place within the room and position each will inhabit. It is possible you will shift and reposition but it’s a good idea to have a basic concept of how you imagine each room will look.
• Ask for most of the boxes to be placed against a wall in your garage (this one came as a great tip after many removals). That way you can slowly bring boxes into the house and you don’t feel you are initially living around them. (See my postscript below).
• Take an inventory of what has arrived. That way you have an idea if anything is missing.
• Unpack your ‘Essential Items’ Kitchen box. This is the time to have a drink and something to eat. To pause the process, just enough to help your mind and body integrate the fact that you have moved house.
• Take a walk through your new home and envision how it will look when completely furnished. Say ‘hello’ to each room and infuse positive energy.
• Once the fridge is on and cooling, do a basic shop of groceries. Or perhaps indulge in take out the first night and have essentials ready for the next day.
• Unpack the remaining bathroom and bedroom essentials and enjoy the first night in your new home.

Postscript: Worst moving experience was moving into our next RAAF home with two children – a three-year-old and nine-month-old. Husband went straight to night shift on base and I was left surrounded with boxes and no idea where even the essentials were packed. You can imagine the rest.

Would love you to share your moving tips and stories in the comments. If you would like a PDF of this blog for future reference email me jan@healingthematriarch.com.

Children have grown up and emptied the nest.. tick, both your partner and yourself have retired from paid employment…. tick, now you can decide whether the home you have been living in as a family is fit for purpose going forward. Often once the family downsizes to one or two individuals a stand-alone home can seem sprawling and much of its space remains unused. What options may be available for couples or singles at this stage of their life?

Here are some possible alternatives: –

• Stay in your family home and age in place
• Move in with adult children or have them move in with you
• Downsize into a villa or apartment
• Move into a retirement or lifestyle village for over 55’s
• Live in a mobile home e.g. a caravan or motor home

A novel approach is to combine a selection of the options above, giving the flexibility to experience a variety of living arrangements over time. Let’s check out the possibilities of each option.

Stay in your family home

Before deciding to sell up and move to a new location, it is worth considering if it is possible to age in place. The benefit of staying in your family home is the familiarity of your surroundings, your neighbourhood and local community. If at a later stage additional assistance is required, outside help can be sourced. This may be for cooking, cleaning, and gardening. You get the benefit of staying in your home with the perks of maintenance outsourced.

If the home is older or has stairs and narrow hallways to navigate it may be worth considering a change. Maintenance costs can increase in older homes and personal needs may change requiring more open spaces. If funds are available, renovation is possible. This can be a costly exercise depending on what is required. Try to think ahead to possible future scenarios if this option is favored.

Inter-generational Living

As life stages progress a possible solution for additional support is moving in with adult children. Alternatively, they can move back into the family home. This option requires some conscious planning and discussion particularly around privacy and expectations of physical and financial contribution. Generations living within the same property can be a cost-effective option for managing financially and convenient assistance with care. An alternative to consider if you get on well with your children, their partners and enjoy the company and energy level of your grandchildren.

Downsizing

This option works well if you can find a location that ticks the boxes of convenience, facilities, and a certain level of space. When you have been living in a large home, an apartment or villa may feel cramped and perhaps a bit claustrophobic. Look for good common spaces such as pools, gyms and roof top or interior gardens. Consider if the surrounding area offers what you need. Proximity to shopping, entertainment and public transport is a factor. A suggestion is to ‘try before you buy’ if other apartments or villas in the complex are available for holiday letting. You will soon get an idea of space, noise, and functionality.

Lifestyle or Retirement Villages

This has become a popular choice in recent times. Specifically catering for the Over 55 market, these smaller home villages provide low maintenance living. Common facilities are usually well resourced, gardens are often maintained and they are usually pet friendly. A positive aspect of this option is the sense of connection and social activities available within these communities. Interest groups, outings and events make these an enjoyable and busy place to live.

This option may not suit those who value their privacy. While it is enjoyable to live among people of a similar stage of life, over time the population of the village ages. A further move to a nursing home may need to be considered in future if it is not available on site. With the age of residents, talk of ailments and illness can be common topics of conversation. If this option is chosen, it may be prudent to keep ties with the wider community through activities and events. It continues to be healthy to interact with families and children.

Live in a Mobile Home

Caravans, motor homes and even houseboats are enjoyable considerations for retirement living. The flexibility of location is enticing. Here in Australia it is common to see these mobile versions of ‘home’ travelling around the country. Their occupants are coined ‘Grey Nomads’. In addition, this lifestyle is cost effective and simple, allowing for a relaxed lifestyle. Some locations in Australia allow for free camping and long or short-term residency in idyllic locations allows for free spirited exploration of the country. There are always interesting people to meet along the way.

Like any form of housing there is inevitably maintenance or damage issues that arise. As a vehicle they also won’t hold their monetary value over time. This is more likely with brick and mortar options.

Combining Options

A novel and interesting approach is to combine more than one of the above options. This can evolve over time as needs and finances change. In our case we rented out our private home while we travelled extensively in our motor home. We have retained our motor home on our return and it now provides an income for us as a rental to others. Another ‘try before you buy’ option. Camplify is a wonderful Australian organisation for this option.

Recently we have used the finances from an investment property to buy an apartment as a base closer to our children, their partners, and our grandchildren. We hope this gives us the best of both worlds – spending some of the year close to family and other times enjoying our hometown community. It helps that both locations offer different climates and options to explore. Like the ‘snowbirds’ of the United States we will be following the weather.

The retirement years are an opportunity to reassess our living arrangements. We have the opportunity to remain in place transitioning through modifications and care and maintenance plans. Alternatively, we can look at changing location either temporarily or permanently to make the most of what this stage of life has to offer. Most options provide the opportunity to try before you buy. Share your thoughts on what you would choose, or have chosen, in the comments.