I’ve realized that it’s been quite some time between blogs. The past three months have been delightfully lived away from my writing. A place where I’m emerging from no longer exactly who I was. Yet still moving toward the person I will be. I’m in that place of the ‘in between’ or as Breathe editor Madison White describes in her reflection on change, the space of liminality. It’s a space of ambiguity and disorientation that we experience in the midst of a transition.
‘Instead of longing for the stability of what’s regular, embrace this journey as vital to your transformation, a call of the wild urging you to reflect, to pause and to be present’.
This life pause has been a time of both doing and being. Yet it’s the type of doing that is no longer the busy striving of my younger years. It comes from a place of deepening my authenticity and immersing myself into life around me and my connection with others.
The natural nurturer in me needed a new expression.
I’m embracing a new ‘job’ title. I’m a community elder. Not the stereotypical woman who is often portrayed as becoming invisible in society. Instead, I’m increasingly claiming being front and centre in the wisdom holding space. It comes from the acquired resources and time I have available to observe and listen more to the stories of others.
The young mothers who bring their babies and toddlers to a play session. The family who has moved recently to our area without additional family support. With these roles I am now becoming part of their extended created ‘village’. A multigenerational link in their lives. A support person as they adjust to changes in their lives.
The older women who are sharing their life experiences. Looking for other women to find connection and friendship with. Relieved to find someone who can be a listening ear when they feel overwhelmed by life. A person who recognises their distress yet creates space rather than solutions.
Over the years of writing ‘Healing the Matriarch’ my energy has been around emerging to find my identity after having my family. Now they are grown into amazing adults and have children of their own. The eldest grandchild is in her first year of university studying nursing and the youngest is thriving as a kindergarten student at his primary school. I’m no longer needed in the hands-on way required in the years before school. Now it’s a more distant relationship over WhatsApp chats and the occasional catch ups in person.
The Power of the Pause
Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ identifies the pause required whenever we experience unexpected change. The body is most likely in reaction mode. Bodily sensations and thoughts creating a sympathetic nervous system response of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It’s definitely not the space to inhabit to make major life decisions.
Even when life situations are expected our reactions can take us by surprise.
One of the first things to do as you pause is to take time to notice the thoughts and feelings that are present. Then it’s powerful to name the emotions that arise and their influence on the body. For example, ‘I feel a tightness in the chest when I can’t express myself’, ‘I notice my palms are sweaty when I’m tense and uncomfortable’, ‘I feel a welling up behind my eyes when I just want to cry but won’t allow myself’.
‘By labelling these emotions, you separate yourself from them; you come to know what you are experiencing instead of simply experiencing it’.
There is so much value in responding rather than reacting to change. It’s difficult and takes time to adjust to the disorder of what we once knew. It also requires us to be flexible with our sense of self as we won’t go back to the way things were. Our only course of action is forward toward something new.
The pause is powerful. It allows our tend and befriend parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Making it easier to give ourselves self-compassion and kindness, and to be in a good headspace to plan our way forward. The pause also allows for an excitement to build. To imagine our next step and have clearer responses to what we want from our future.
I’ve really enjoyed living in one of life’s pauses over the past few months. Less rushed, more deliberate and bringing with it clarity of direction. The natural nurturer in me is finding her way. She’s extended the people who are the recipients of that nurturance.
Life will always bring change and challenges so the more confident we are at navigating what arises, the more strategies we have for handling them. Consider life a journey, yet don’t forget you are allowed to pause along the way.
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