I’ve realized that it’s been quite some time between blogs. The past three months have been delightfully lived away from my writing. A place where I’m emerging from no longer exactly who I was. Yet still moving toward the person I will be. I’m in that place of the ‘in between’ or as Breathe editor Madison White describes in her reflection on change, the space of liminality. It’s a space of ambiguity and disorientation that we experience in the midst of a transition.

‘Instead of longing for the stability of what’s regular, embrace this journey as vital to your transformation, a call of the wild urging you to reflect, to pause and to be present’.

This life pause has been a time of both doing and being. Yet it’s the type of doing that is no longer the busy striving of my younger years. It comes from a place of deepening my authenticity and immersing myself into life around me and my connection with others.

The natural nurturer in me needed a new expression.

I’m embracing a new ‘job’ title. I’m a community elder. Not the stereotypical woman who is often portrayed as becoming invisible in society. Instead, I’m increasingly claiming being front and centre in the wisdom holding space. It comes from the acquired resources and time I have available to observe and listen more to the stories of others.

The young mothers who bring their babies and toddlers to a play session. The family who has moved recently to our area without additional family support. With these roles I am now becoming part of their extended created ‘village’. A multigenerational link in their lives. A support person as they adjust to changes in their lives.

The older women who are sharing their life experiences. Looking for other women to find connection and friendship with. Relieved to find someone who can be a listening ear when they feel overwhelmed by life. A person who recognises their distress yet creates space rather than solutions.

Over the years of writing ‘Healing the Matriarch’ my energy has been around emerging to find my identity after having my family. Now they are grown into amazing adults and have children of their own. The eldest grandchild is in her first year of university studying nursing and the youngest is thriving as a kindergarten student at his primary school. I’m no longer needed in the hands-on way required in the years before school. Now it’s a more distant relationship over WhatsApp chats and the occasional catch ups in person.

The Power of the Pause

Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ identifies the pause required whenever we experience unexpected change. The body is most likely in reaction mode. Bodily sensations and thoughts creating a sympathetic nervous system response of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It’s definitely not the space to inhabit to make major life decisions.

Even when life situations are expected our reactions can take us by surprise.

One of the first things to do as you pause is to take time to notice the thoughts and feelings that are present. Then it’s powerful to name the emotions that arise and their influence on the body. For example, ‘I feel a tightness in the chest when I can’t express myself’, ‘I notice my palms are sweaty when I’m tense and uncomfortable’, ‘I feel a welling up behind my eyes when I just want to cry but won’t allow myself’.

‘By labelling these emotions, you separate yourself from them; you come to know what you are experiencing instead of simply experiencing it’.

There is so much value in responding rather than reacting to change. It’s difficult and takes time to adjust to the disorder of what we once knew. It also requires us to be flexible with our sense of self as we won’t go back to the way things were. Our only course of action is forward toward something new.

The pause is powerful. It allows our tend and befriend parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Making it easier to give ourselves self-compassion and kindness, and to be in a good headspace to plan our way forward. The pause also allows for an excitement to build. To imagine our next step and have clearer responses to what we want from our future.

I’ve really enjoyed living in one of life’s pauses over the past few months. Less rushed, more deliberate and bringing with it clarity of direction. The natural nurturer in me is finding her way. She’s extended the people who are the recipients of that nurturance.

Life will always bring change and challenges so the more confident we are at navigating what arises, the more strategies we have for handling them. Consider life a journey, yet don’t forget you are allowed to pause along the way.

My husband and I have been married for over forty years. Our wedding took place close to sunset in a small country town church. We were both in our early twenties and had been together for nearly two years. Common sporting pursuits sparked our interest in each other and we quickly developed a close bond.

It was a difficult early courtship as my mother was in the last stages of her journey with bowel cancer. Her death several months after we met thrust us into a quick trajectory between our first meeting, engagement and then preparing to marry. It was exciting to plan our wedding day. Choosing the church, reception venue, bridal party, invitations and guest list. It was not until my wedding day that it really sank in for me that this was the first of many significant events in my life that I would experience without my mum by my side.

Photo by Stacie Ong on Unsplash

I distinctly remember as I dressed ready for the ceremony that a group of my family matriarchs converged around our kitchen table. Drinking, eating and chatting together. Aunts from both my mother’s and father’s side. I imagine they knew the void that would exist for both myself, my dad and my sister on my wedding day without her presence. Photos were taken, wedding rings exchanged, vows spoken and our married life commenced.

Although the beginning of our relationship was quite unique, I imagine it echoes the stories of all who marry. The wedding rings fit on young slender fingers and the vows are made to commit to a life together and the possibility of raising children as a family unit.

For those in long term marriages, we know that the wedding day heralds only the entry point, the first chapter of life together as a couple. The people we are on that day will continually change. Slowly blending our life experience as a unit and also coming from our own unique personality and perspectives.

Things will be brought up in conversation, often expectations we hold of each other which were formed from our childhood family experiences. Conflicts of interest will emerge. Boundaries will be crossed. Disagreements about how things should be done will occasionally surface. The one thing that sticks is the commitment to each other that was made on our wedding day and the rings we exchanged.

‘Your marriage vows are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep’

– Dave Willis

Life gets busier and it becomes difficult to keep each other a priority. Children, household duties and work responsibilities fill our schedules. The rings stay on as a reminder, until one day they are taken off. At first, its an excuse that they get in the way. They become a safety issue. Our fingers swell or knuckles enlarge making them harder to wear comfortably. Once we become used to their absence on our finger there is a psychological freedom that emerges. The symbol of marriage and commitment to each other is no longer a constant visual reminder.

Until it’s absence is. We see each other’s naked wedding ring finger and wonder what that symbolizes. Do we still love each other? Are we still exclusively committed to each other? What does it say about the ongoing state of our marriage.

Changes in our own lives often mirror the way we feel about our marriage. The early days of marriage we sense an assuredness that we are loved and chosen. As each stage of our life emerges new challenges arise. It is often at the crucial stages of our adult life – when children arrive, when children empty the nest, when we face health challenges and aging of our parents and ourselves that the real tests of our commitment to each other occur.

There is an upward trend in separation and divorce of couples in their 50’s. It’s usually a time when commitments reduce, the pace of life slows and spouses examine their life as both individuals and as part of a couple. Active motherhood and careers taper off and plans for retirement begin to form. Important decisions about whether to ‘right size’ for the next phase of life surface. Each change challenges our stability.

It’s a critical point in a marriage. For us it became a two year separation. Interestingly enough about the same length as our courtship. What we wanted out of life was too different to accommodate each other’s needs. It was difficult, yet in hindsight essential to what happened next for us as a couple. The possibility of reuniting as changed individuals. Both happier, both finding our individual purpose and ready to move forward together again.

Recently I looked at those wedding rings. The ones that no longer fit me. Symbols of the constriction I had felt at the time we separated. I began to look at how to embody the new stage of our marriage with a physical remodelling of the rings. On a recent trip I purchased a pearl that would be it’s centre piece. Two diamonds from the eternity ring were to remain in the design. The gold was melted and reshaped from each ring and combined into a new wedding band to house the design.

This new ring, which embodies elements and stories from our life together, symbolizes our recommitment to each other. To continue our marriage together, now with a stronger partnership and closer connection to our children and grandchildren.

As I look at young couples preparing for marriage I wonder if they have a sense of what is in store for them. To understand what it’s like to take wedding vows and to implement them in a practical way in their marriage. To exchange rings as symbols of their bond and love. To make a life commitment to each other.

With this ring, I am much older and wiser than the young version of myself when she married. This refashioned ring is a symbol of my life together with my husband, all that we have shared, the heartaches we have experienced and the ways we have supported each other. It is also a strong symbol of who I am as a woman and the personal life journey I have been on.

Do you remember how easy it was to connect with your friends in childhood. You spent your days at school together, eating lunch and playing games between classes. You’d maybe meet each other on the weekends to play sport or spend hours building cubbies or riding your bikes in the neighbourhood. Friendship was relatively easy to maintain due to your proximity to each other. You were also full of energy and going through a similar stage of life together.

Once school days were over, suddenly you experienced the great ‘scattering’. Your friends moved away for education or work (or you did). Relationships formed and over the following decade each of you moved into the next phase of life where a multitude of life choices took you in separate directions. It became harder to stay in touch.

Adult friendship is different to those we had as a child. The responsibilities of life dominate our energy. It requires a much more conscious effort to establish new friendships and maintain them over time. Mel Robbins in her book ‘The Let Them Theory’ identifies three elements that are required for adult friendships to thrive. These are proximity, timing and energy.

Proximity

Living near our friends, so we can regularly organise face to face catch ups, is a major factor in maintaining connection. As much as we have the ability to stay in touch online and through messaging, seeing each other in person creates a deeper experience. We can hold a balanced conversation between expressing ourselves and actively listening to each other. It’s easier to notice the other person’s non-verbal cues such as their emotions and body language and ask relevant questions. It’s also possible to offer physical support and comfort to our friends in a face to face exchange.

Timing

Timing also plays a major role in sustaining our friendships. Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ highlights the need for more flexibility as we navigate adult life. Research has shown that on average, people experience thirty six significant changes in the course of their adult life. That equates to a shift in life circumstances every eighteen months. Examples might include leaving school, starting a job, leaving a job, getting married, getting divorced, having children, losing those we love, experiencing an illness and moving to a new community. With each change our friendship dynamic is also impacted. Our needs and priorities change and we may feel out of step and distant with our current friends. Some naturally drift away from us, yet a change may also bring with it new friendships. Those that are with people who know a more current version of us or the one we are becoming.

Energy

As we experience each of life’s changes our energy can be drained. Even if we are healthy, there is lots of adjustment required. If we become unwell or sustain an injury it can compromise our ability to attend activities where we’d normally meet up with our friends. Illness can make us avoid others and focus our attention inward. The energy for friendship may not be possible at the time.

Change can also bring about a lack of confidence in our ability to make new friends. Moving to a new community or workplace, our children leaving home and moving into retirement are just some examples where shifts in friendships may happen. As a result, we can feel lonely and disconnected from others. It’s important to remember that new friendships take time to develop. It may take up to a year to establish close bonds with others.

Some strategies that can help us develop adult friendships include the following –

1. Remaining flexible about our choice of friends and being curious about the lives of others. Often our childhood friends are those who are similar in age. In adulthood, we can develop a wider range of friends who have different lived experience or are in a different age group yet we find common interests and views on life. The benefit of having a wide range of friends is the different perspectives, support potential and wisdom we can tap into.
2. Being proactive in reaching out to people rather than expecting to be included, invited and texted. Invite others to join you in activities and be willing to attend events and activities you are interested in, even if that means the first time you arrive on your own.
3. Being approachable to others. You might start by saying hello to people around you and seeing how they respond. Show an interest in others and offer compliments about them as a person. Smile, say hello and introduce yourself. Allow yourself to have no expectations of how these interactions will turn out. Just focus on connecting with others and gradually with each effort you make you will find those people who gravitate to you as potential friends.
4. Once you have established a friendship consciously prioritize staying in touch. Let them know you are thinking of them. Plan for future get togethers. Remember birthdays and dates that are important.

Our friendships with others evolve over time. Some friends stay with us for a ‘season’ or stage of our life. Others become life long friends. The relationship we have with our friends takes conscious effort to both establish and maintain. We also need flexibility to adjust to changes in our lives and the potential impact that has on our friendships.