There are all types of Grandparents
There isn’t one mould for grandparenting. Some see their time with their grandchildren as an eagerly awaited privilege. They want to be hands-on, available and a huge part of their grandchildren’s lives. Others are still working or live geographically distant. Circumstances make regular contact difficult. There are also those who’ve retired and want to live their best life less focused on regular grandparent duties.
Some grandparents have fractured relationships with their adult children and grandchildren. They may be absent or uninterested in their lives. Conversely grandparents can be painfully estranged from their adult children and families. Each situation is a unique experience of the role.
In modern society working families with either one or two parents are increasingly dependent on grandparents being around to care for their children while they work. It has become a necessity as cost of living tightens day to day budgets and formal childcare places become both scarce and costly. This particularly impacts families with children under school age.
Whose job is it to raise the children of today?
There is a big difference between being part of our grandchildren’s lives and spending time with them versus being part of a permanent childcare arrangement.
Modern grandparents are often older. As adult children wait until into their thirties to start parenthood their own parents are aging. They are often close to or have reached retirement age and are progressing through their sixties. If they are younger grandparents they are likely to be working themselves. Formal childcare has found its place in a society where both parents work but its not a perfect or easily affordable model. We’ve come to rely on the people who are increasingly less able to do the task – grandparents.
Caring for young children for long periods of the day is hard work, both physically and emotionally. Particularly if that care is not shared with others, such as a partner or a team in an early childhood care setting. Young children under five have boundless energy, unless they are fast asleep. They are busy people and naturally inquisitive about their world. In reality they eventually exhaust their own parents, let alone their grandparents. The multi-generational family unit or ‘village’ surrounding the child seems to be a model of the past, although it may be having a resurgence. That form may be the increase of multi-generational households, but it may also be creating a village connection between community elders and young families who are not biologically related.
Evolutionary psychology presents grandparenting, particular by the maternal grandmother, as having a positive impact on the extended family unit. That is wonderful if she desires the role and is available to do the job. For a variety of reasons that is less probable.
Parenting influences and practices have also changed quite dramatically. Grandma’s parenting was quite different from what young parents of today are experiencing. Parenting practices are embedded in a modern society that is fast paced, busy and technologically focused.
Collective advice on parenting is coming from a variety of sources, including online, but some with influence have neither the professional knowledge or extensive experience to inform others. It’s not uncommon for peers to be those information bearers rather than young parents seeking out the sounding boards of wisdom and experience.
Yet are children that different from previous generations? We know children love to play and it is their way to process and learn about their world. Young children are sensory beings so they gravitate to colours, textures, sounds and tastes that interest them. They thrive on connection and safe attachment, they have big emotions they need support with and their attention to tasks grows along with their maturity. The basics of young children’s development has really remained the same.
Finding the ‘sweet spot’ for grandparenting
For the role to be rewarding most grandparents want to maintain a balance between their own needs and those of their family. That requires a level of choice rather than obligation which is something that is ideally discussed prior to a newborn’s arrival.
“It should never be a given that the grandparents will be on call. They still have their own lives to live”
@The Childfree Corner
Things that can be discussed together are expectations that both the new parents and grandparents hold and how strict or flexible these are. This is a learning curve as everyone seeks to establish what is important to them. Healthy boundaries need discussion to ensure everyone is aware of their emerging role. Ultimately the responsibility for grandchildren belongs to our children rather than us as grandparents. Ours is a supportive role taking guidance from them. This can feel like a bit of a role reversal from the original relationship we had established.
It is important to recognise that grandparents are at the point in their own lives were they have spent years themselves juggling work and parenting responsibilities. Their job is essentially done. They now tend to turn the focus toward themselves again and desire more life flexibility and opportunities for down time. Many at this stage are keen to follow their previously shelved passions or interests. Some like to travel more or to volunteer their skills or expertise within their communities. It’s a new phase of life where caring for children plays a lesser part.
Finally, the value placed on caring for grandchildren needs acknowledgement. If it’s part of an ongoing obligation it is important to discuss if this is financially renumerated for the time spent caring in lieu of paying for formal childcare. If not, consider what other ways the relationship can be enhanced and supported within the family.
Whatever relationship and obligations occur between the generations its important to recognise the needs of everyone. At times priorities collide and it becomes important to communicate with each other, honour each others’ boundaries and maintain respect and value for support that is offered. Grandparenting can be a delightful new role. It’s important to consider the intricacies and expectations that go along with it.
