Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

The Life Pause

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I’ve realized that it’s been quite some time between blogs. The past three months have been delightfully lived away from my writing. A place where I’m emerging from no longer exactly who I was. Yet still moving toward the person I will be. I’m in that place of the ‘in between’ or as Breathe editor Madison White describes in her reflection on change, the space of liminality. It’s a space of ambiguity and disorientation that we experience in the midst of a transition.

‘Instead of longing for the stability of what’s regular, embrace this journey as vital to your transformation, a call of the wild urging you to reflect, to pause and to be present’.

This life pause has been a time of both doing and being. Yet it’s the type of doing that is no longer the busy striving of my younger years. It comes from a place of deepening my authenticity and immersing myself into life around me and my connection with others.

The natural nurturer in me needed a new expression.

I’m embracing a new ‘job’ title. I’m a community elder. Not the stereotypical woman who is often portrayed as becoming invisible in society. Instead, I’m increasingly claiming being front and centre in the wisdom holding space. It comes from the acquired resources and time I have available to observe and listen more to the stories of others.

The young mothers who bring their babies and toddlers to a play session. The family who has moved recently to our area without additional family support. With these roles I am now becoming part of their extended created ‘village’. A multigenerational link in their lives. A support person as they adjust to changes in their lives.

The older women who are sharing their life experiences. Looking for other women to find connection and friendship with. Relieved to find someone who can be a listening ear when they feel overwhelmed by life. A person who recognises their distress yet creates space rather than solutions.

Over the years of writing ‘Healing the Matriarch’ my energy has been around emerging to find my identity after having my family. Now they are grown into amazing adults and have children of their own. The eldest grandchild is in her first year of university studying nursing and the youngest is thriving as a kindergarten student at his primary school. I’m no longer needed in the hands-on way required in the years before school. Now it’s a more distant relationship over WhatsApp chats and the occasional catch ups in person.

The Power of the Pause

Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ identifies the pause required whenever we experience unexpected change. The body is most likely in reaction mode. Bodily sensations and thoughts creating a sympathetic nervous system response of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It’s definitely not the space to inhabit to make major life decisions.

Even when life situations are expected our reactions can take us by surprise.

One of the first things to do as you pause is to take time to notice the thoughts and feelings that are present. Then it’s powerful to name the emotions that arise and their influence on the body. For example, ‘I feel a tightness in the chest when I can’t express myself’, ‘I notice my palms are sweaty when I’m tense and uncomfortable’, ‘I feel a welling up behind my eyes when I just want to cry but won’t allow myself’.

‘By labelling these emotions, you separate yourself from them; you come to know what you are experiencing instead of simply experiencing it’.

There is so much value in responding rather than reacting to change. It’s difficult and takes time to adjust to the disorder of what we once knew. It also requires us to be flexible with our sense of self as we won’t go back to the way things were. Our only course of action is forward toward something new.

The pause is powerful. It allows our tend and befriend parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Making it easier to give ourselves self-compassion and kindness, and to be in a good headspace to plan our way forward. The pause also allows for an excitement to build. To imagine our next step and have clearer responses to what we want from our future.

I’ve really enjoyed living in one of life’s pauses over the past few months. Less rushed, more deliberate and bringing with it clarity of direction. The natural nurturer in me is finding her way. She’s extended the people who are the recipients of that nurturance.

Life will always bring change and challenges so the more confident we are at navigating what arises, the more strategies we have for handling them. Consider life a journey, yet don’t forget you are allowed to pause along the way.

Disconnect to Reconnect Island Style

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Connection is a fundamental way of being human. Sociologist and writer Brene Brown views our need for connection with others as the major reason we are here. She believes it gives our life both purpose and meaning. Yet there are many forms of connection. Some face to face connections are deeply satisfying while others can cause hurt or produce unhealthy attachment to others. Our online connections, particularly through social media, can support a sense of belonging, yet they can also cause loneliness and comparison with others. Having an increasingly connected world via the internet means we are exposed to constant news from elsewhere. It can be confronting and cause us to feel unsettled.

Perhaps what more of us are craving right now is the ability to disconnect. To slow our pace, live more simply and cocoon for a while to allow our bodies and minds to rest. Disconnection also allows the opportunity to refocus on what is important. To consciously look for ways to achieve life balance and be more present in each moment. To be less reactive to life and respond more with gratitude and compassion, both for ourselves and others. Disconnection can also help us replenish our energy so we can reengage more deeply with others.

Recently I travelled with a small group to Lord Howe Island. A World Heritage Listed island that is just eleven kilometres long and almost three kilometres wide. It is part of Australia and sits approximately 600 kilometres from the east coast of the mainland. It’s at the same latitude as Port Macquarie which offers a quick direct flight with Eastern Air Services. The population of Lord Howe Island is small with only 445 permanent residents. In addition, there are only 400 tourists able to stay on the island at any one time.

Our adventure started at Port Macquarie Airport where biosecurity dogs checked our luggage to ensure we were not carrying anything which would be detrimental to the island’s habitat. After takeoff we looked out our plane’s windows as we crossed the coastline. Soon we were amongst the clouds with only the Pacific Ocean below us.

It’s a reasonably comfortable ride. Thankfully earpods or headphones blocked out the constant engine noise. After an hour in the sky we could feel the plane decend and the beautiful island and its majestic Mt Lidgebird and Mt Gower became visible through the cockpit windscreen. We were met at the island’s small airport by a second set of security dogs and their handlers before being whisked away to our accommodation for the next seven days.

Life is lived at a slow pace on the island. People on pushbikes or on foot outnumber the vehicles and the speed limit of 25 kilometres an hour ensures the rather narrow roads are safe for all. Internet is sparse with the mainstreet near the Anchorage Cafe being the main spot for connection to the outside world. Supplies and food for the island arrive each fortnight by boat – ‘The Island Trader’ that is based on the Hastings River in Port Macquarie. Luckily it arrived during our first day on the island so we hired bikes and road down to the wharf to watch the spectacle of unloading the boat while we waited for check in at our accommodation at Pinetrees Lodge.

Pinetrees Lodge, established in 1848, is one of the oldest family run businesses in Australia. It offers a full service adventure lodge experience. It’s staff were friendly and accommodating and the team of chefs kept us fed from morning until bedtime. During the day they supplied picnics or barbeque eskies which were conveniently transported to our chosen lunch location. In the evening all of the resort guests sat down to a three course evening meal together after the opportunity to watch the setting sun over the lagoon from the lodge’s Boatshed.

Staying a week it became increasingly possible to find a less hurried pace and to truly relax. Each day we ventured out to explore the lagoon’s beaches by bike or walk the hiking trails. The lagoon was crystal clear and its coral reef plentiful with over 500 species of fish and 90 species of coral. Both were vivid in colour and proved mesmerizing as we snorkelled among them.  At Ned’s Beach on the ocean side of the island we were surrounded by fish as soon as we stepped into the water. We soon realized we were definitely visitors in their territory as we swum among them.

The gifts of disconnection on a small remote island

You sleep well

Access to a constant cool ocean breeze and shade under the kentia palms and pine trees deepens your breath. With exercise in the day and the temptation to reach for technology unavailable we found that our bodies naturally transitioned to sleep after our evening meal. There was no television to watch so that was replaced by quiet conversation or a book. We were grateful to disconnect from the news of the world beyond the island.

Eating outdoors encouraged appetite and socialization

Everything tasted so good. The experience of eating was unhurried and conversation around each table was plentiful. While we were there other guests included couples, groups and multigenerational family gatherings. Once the food was served there was also ample opportunity to get to know the personal life stories of the staff. They were also interested and engaged in getting to know us. There was a sense that they as a staff were a ‘family’ and for our brief stay we became a valued part of their extended family.

The natural world becomes more noticeable

 The simple, comfortable rooms each had a relaxing verandah space that naturally extended outdoors. The little brown woodhens wandered around us inquisitively if we sat in the surrounding gardens. Whereever we ventured to explore the the island we were met with beauty. Intricate textures and colours were present both on land and in the water. Being in nature invited the possibility of pausing and being mindfully present to our surroundings. Even on an active hike there were opportunities to stop and admire the surrounding scenery as we caught our breath.

A flow rather than a schedule

A very loose schedule developed around the offered meal times. Once breakfast was complete guests were encouraged to go out and explore during the daylight hours. ( A convenient way to let staff clean our rooms and tend to tasks around the lodge). It became easier to watch the sky rather than our watches for a guide to the time. Without a schedule, we also ate when we were hungry and succumbed to rest that our bodies needed. Our stay became an opportunity to replenish our energy and nurture ourselves. There was also time to perhaps reflect on our everyday lives and be aware of possible changes or small tweeks that were possible.

The ability to connect on a deeper level

By taking away the busyness and distractions of everyday life, there became time for deeper conversations. We travelled as a small group of six friends. Over the course of the week there was time for reminising and ‘debriefing’ our life experiences whether it was with our feet in the water, our backs on a towel in the shade by the lagoon or while chatting over a drink or meal. Our friendship naturally deepened over the course of these conversations.

In our normal lives our minds and bodies are continually switched on. Our sympathetic nervous system constantly monitoring and responding to the complexity of life around us. The need to know what’s going on in the world is a strong urge. It takes conscious resistance to override the automatic desire to reach for our phones. It can also be easy to go through our days on autopilot suddenly arriving at the end of the day without realizing how we’ve navigated it.

The opportunity to disconnect and relax is precious. We were fortunate to be able to embrace the slower pace that the island provided and absorb the gifts it offered. The real challenge will be to internalise the experience deeply enough to enable us to integrate some of its benefits when we are back home.

Letting In Positive Experiences

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Have you ever found yourself distracted when something lovely is happening around you? A beautiful sunset, an awe inspiring night sky, a tender moment of connection or when you hear a beautiful piece of music, song or poem. Instead of pausing to really immerse yourself in the present moment, you find yourself elsewhere. In your own thoughts with your mind miles away. Then the moment passes.

Positive experiences aren’t as easy to recognize as something negative. When confronted with something frightening or upsetting it sounds the body’s alarm bells and you feel a visceral response. The senses are heightened and your sympathetic nervous system moves into a fight, flight or freeze response. In contrast, the arrival of a positive experience is softer, quieter and calmer. It can be easily missed in the bustle of life. It relies on you consciously stopping to experience and appreciate it fully.

The wonderful thing is, the more we practice being present with the positive things happening around us, the more we will naturally notice more examples. It has the potential to rewire how we perceive the world around us. Elevating our mood and increasing gratitude for the abundance we have.

‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.’

– Marianne Williamson.

Psychologist and author Dr Rick Hanson uses the acronym H.E.A.L as a process to help us really recognise and take these positive experiences in.

H = Have. The ability to notice something enjoyable and positive is happening. Recognising it’s presence. Making the time to pause and process what you are experiencing.

E = Enrich. Using your senses to fully take in the experience. Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. Creating more neural responses and pathways.

A = Absorb. Staying with the experience long enough to create emotional and physical memories in your body.

L = Link. Fitting the experience into the broader picture of your life. Appreciating that positive and negative experiences are part of being human. Learning to cherish with gratitude ‘glimmer’ moments when they occur. Those small moments that make us feel calm, connected, safe and at peace.

The next time you notice something positive happening, pause long enough to take it in. Think of these moments of personal processing as opportunities to recognise how full and abundant your life is. Your mind and body will thank you.

Making Decisions from the Heart

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Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’ve been faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to clear my mind and hopefully see things more objectively.

Yet I have recently come across another way at looking at the decisions we make. One based on tuning into the wisdom of our own body. It is described in the book ‘Wise Effort’ by psychologist Diana Hill PhD.

Take a moment to ponder the following question –

‘How many times have I said yes to something that my body said no to’.

If you are like most, if not all of us, the answer would be multiple times. Our body usually gives us clues to guide our decisions yet often we ignore them or even sometimes defiantly go against them. We feel the sensations in our gut, the heart wiggles, the held breath or the tight throat. Our thoughts turn to the ‘shoulds’ –  the expectations we have of ourselves or that we feel come from others. It becomes hard to separate ourselves enough to stand within our own decision making space.

Yet when you notice those signs of inner resistance it’s important to get curious about what is going on. Why are they there? Is it because you are stuck in a story that belongs in your past. One of guilt, shame or sense of obligation. Have you become comfortable with the status quo that’s always existed, so you hold tightly to the expectation of more of the same. Or is your reaction avoidance, where you ignore the situation all together rather than open up and honestly examinine your thoughts and feelings.

Dr Hill suggests taking a Body Audit to help us clarify our decision making. We can do that by asking ourselves the following four questions.

  1. Is it a drain or gain at the body level?
  2. Does it align with my core values?
  3. Is saying yes to this decision using my unique genius? (The right decision that will continue with ease and flow as it uses my innate gifts and talents.)
  4. Is this a drain or gain on others?

Imagine this common scenario: – You become a grandmother and your children are keen for you to be a regular carer for their child, your grandchild, while they are working. You have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, yet you also know how physically and emotionally demanding it can be to care for a small child for an extended period of time. You also know that you are not as young and energetic as you used to be. Yet you love your family and want to consider helping them in this way.

Taking a Body Audit

Energy and Commitment

It’s an important time to pause, centre yourself and give room to really consider this decision before saying yes. Go inward and imagine a day in the life of providing grandmother care. Is there a way that you can balance the joyful moments of connection with your grandchild with the sheer energy required. What is the reality likely to look like for you? What strategies can you put in place to plan and pace the day to reserve energy for your own body? Will you have another person there to share the load and provide physical support when needed? These are all valid questions to ask as you decide the level of your involvement.

What you Value

Think about your core values. You will want to embody them both at the time you make the decision and consistently afterwards. Perhaps you value service to your family, supporting them in this concrete way.

It may be helpful to take a wider view of your decision. Imagine in ten years time what the relationship with your family will look like. Can you see it as a close and connected one with your children and grandchildren. One that you will cherish and feel wonderful about. One that creates memories and will be remembered.

It’s also important to look at the wider picture of what brings you fulfilment and feeds your own passions. Does this decision sit comfortably alongside these priorities or are there potential conflicts that could arise?  Will your decision resonate well with all you envisage of your life?

Your Gifts and Talents

Think about what you can bring to this grandparent role. We are all unique. Some are more active, others creative. Some like to cook or garden. Others just love to sing, dance or play a musical instrument. It becomes important to place your own personality and those things you enjoy at the centre of how you see this role. This gives ease and flow to the time spent together.

The Impact on Others

Saying yes to a new obligation or challenge doesn’t just impact yourself. It also has a flow on effect to the lives of others. Knowing that a grandchild is in the care of a loving family member can certainly ease the stress of balancing life for our adult children. Also consider whether the ‘yes’ means that you may have to say ‘no’ to others. Whether that’s time with your partner or friends or other areas of service in the wider community.

Once you have looked at a potential decision through these questions you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Including taking into account your unique circumstances and the impact on both yourself and others. Dr Hill suggests that at least three of the four questions need an affirmative answer to give you the confidence to make a sound decision.

The use of a body audit when making decisions can be a valuable tool. The more you incorporate its four questions into any life choices you make, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your priorities. You’ll also become more curious about those inner signs that can guide your decision making process.

The body audit questions can also be a way to reassess a decision that has previously been made. Our life is continually changing and it’s important to remain flexible to examining whether previous decisions continue to be relevant to your current situation.

June 2026
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