On a recent trip to the Cook Islands, I met three beautiful older women – Aunty Nono, Aunty Mona and Sisi. Each inspired others with the qualities of a matriarch. They were so caring and generous with their presence. Their influence both within their families and beyond in their workplaces and community was obvious to observe.

You are likely to see Aunty Nono at the Rarotonga International Airport as she welcomes and supports passengers travelling between the islands. If someone needs a bed for the night after missing a flight connection she has available accommodation on her property. Her multigenerational family live in the one simple yet comfortable home. As Cook Island land is passed down through the generations the flower adorned graves of her parents and husband are centrally located in full view from her back door. It’s a beautiful connection to the family’s ancestors and a constant reminder of family values and deep religious faith. The family grow a variety of fruit and vegetables on their land and serve the first course of the Progressive Dinner Experience offered through several local homes on the main island.

Aunty Mona is the heart of the hospitality area of the Pacific Resort Rarotonga. She greets all the guests as they make their way to breakfast. Asking about their stay and plans for the day. Aunty Mona is a wonderful multitasker. Able to spot an empty table to be cleared by her young staff while also speaking to guests and helping them make dinner reservations. She ensures the smooth operation of the restaurant each day with ease and mastery. Something I’m sure she has gained from years of experience. Aunty Mona is the type of woman that leaves a lasting impression on people. We left with some lovely hugs on the final morning of our stay and a photo together to remember her.

Sisi, is just the embodiment of fun. She heralds Happy Hour at the Barefoot Bar at the resort with a long blow of the conch across the beach front of the Muri Lagoon. Then with a smile she calls a loud ‘Happy Hour’ to make sure the guests know the magic 4.00pm reduced beer and cocktail prices have begun. Her personality is infectious.

What makes a woman a Matriarch?

By definition, a matriarch is a woman who rules a family, group or state. Particularly a mother who is the head of her family and descendants. It’s a powerful feminine role.

Traditionally the matriarch role may have had rather negative connotations of someone matronly, the dowager or queen mother. If pictured, she may have looked older than what we imagine in contemporary times. Her influence was felt mainly in the sphere of the family home. Her advice perhaps viewed as irrelevant or outdated.

The matriarchs of today are more likely to be vibrant older women who have had full lives both inside and outside their home. They have lived experience, life lessons and wisdom to share. They cultivate their vitality by staying active and by this stage in their lives are more genuine and authentic as they interact with others. They have a good sense of who they are.

With wider access to news and social media they are more aware of issues in their wider community and the world. This may lead them to take on the role of advocacy in regard to concerns that impact both women and men. In contemporary times, we travel more widely and live beside different ethnic groups giving us greater exposure to ways of ‘doing’ life. This provides valuable information for increasing tolerance and understanding, something matriarchs can reinforce in their families and communities.

Matriarchs support, care for and hold the emotional connections in interpersonal relationships. They keep family values intact and act as the glue that holds extended family relationships together. With greater awareness of mental health, these older women have the time and opportunity to listen and observe those subtle behavioural changes in others and provide the compassion and loving support needed.

A matriarch need not have had children of their own.  All matriarchs have opportunities to provide nurturing and wisdom toward co-workers in their workplaces, in volunteer roles with community organisations, as a special aunt in their extended family and as a loving and caring friend.

The role of matriarch is an earnt one. It’s not automatically bestowed upon us as an older woman. For some women, the later stages of life and the end of motherhood is an opportunity to pursue their own personal dreams. They neither desire nor gravitate to the matriarch role.

Other women use the opportunity in later life to use the skills and characteristics of the motherhood role in a more expanded way. For these women the matriarch role is worth aspiring to. It can offer them a sense of personal gratification and purpose in the later stages of their life. 

Do you remember the first time you visited a new travel destination?  Your senses feeling overwhelmed by all the different sights, sounds and smells. You could barely take everything in. As your emotions swelled the part of your brain making strong memory connections was activated. Storing snippets of impressions and words to make associations with your experience.

Years later, as you look back on that time, you rely on the faded pictures of a photo album as you reminisce. Yet how you remember things is not of the actual experience. Instead it’s a personal lens of the past that you create from the position of who you are in the present moment.

My husband and I are about to embark on a return journey to a place we once visited. We had our honeymoon in Tahiti and now 43 years later we are taking the journey again.

Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash

At the time we were young newlyweds and the islands of Tahiti were relatively undeveloped and naturally beautiful.  Our time was spent at Club Med Moorea where the currency for buying drinks at the bar were small orange beads and during the day the activities director’s call of ‘volleyball’ could be heard all around the central area of the resort. Our accommodation was a simple bure hut which was occasionally frequented by the local wildlife. When we ventured outside the resort the roads were quiet and the local villagers friendly.

As we now recall our first trip we rely on the faded physical photos found in that old album. Snippets of experiences of much younger versions of ourselves. Me, waving to the camera as we prepared to board our flight to Papeete. Photos of the hotels, food buffets and entertainment. Our smiling faces either lounging on the sand, playing group games of tag in the shallow, crystal clear waters or gazing wistfully at one of Moorea’s beautiful sunsets.

This time we return to Tahiti we know will be different.

We are different – with decades of marriage and life experience that separate us from our youthful experience. The locations of mainland Tahiti and its islands will have changed. We expect more development and tourism will make for a different landscape.

We are experiencing Tahiti with a wonderful group of fellow travellers. Meeting on a previous group tour, the friendships we forged on that trip became the catalyst for planning more adventures together. There are so many places to explore in the world that Tahiti was only slightly on our radar for a return visit. Yet when this location was suggested our response was ‘why not’. It wasn’t a lengthy decision.

This time our holiday is more luxurious. We will be travelling in style cruising the Society Islands of Tahiti, Bora Bora and Moorea. Our shore excursions will take us to places we haven’t seen before and provide a multitude of new experiences. We will be freshly baking new memories. Making comparisons with our previous trip while also deepening our impressions as we experience the new.

Revisiting a place from the past can provide a unique experience. On the one hand it holds memories and a sense of familiarity. On the other, it’s an opportunity to experience something differently. The key is to go without expectations of what you will find. Instead allowing things to unfold and new memories to form along the way.

In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently introduced an exercise around creating a Vision Board with our comfort zone positioned firmly at the middle. I like to do the exercises alongside everyone as it gives me insights about both the task and myself. Vision boards can be a powerful tool to visualize and manifest new things in our lives.

Putting together my comfort zone circle was a pleasurable experience. It’s filled with pictures and words I associate with gratitude, love, what I’ve accomplished and what brings me fulfillment. It’s also about those moments in my life when I have felt the most freedom to be myself. In a way, its like a snapshot of the positive aspects of my lived experience.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

An expanded Sense of Our self

Kristen Butler in her book The Comfort Zone speaks of the idea that we have an ‘Expanded Self’. When we think of her she is reaching beyond our known and comfortable zone to our dreams and aspirations. This expanded self is living the ideal life we dream of. Filled with peace and contentment. For Kristen, the key to creating what’s possible in our lives is to stretch from what we know and scaffold the steps to change. Her Comfort Zone Vision Board process made sense to me as its creation involved ever expanding circles with those items that we desire that feel slightly outside our current experience in the first outer circle. Other items that feel less attainable sit on a second larger outer circle of the board. The goal is to find ways to bring our dreams closer to our current reality.

What I wasn’t expecting with this exercise was the procrastination I experienced in creating this sense of my expanded self. I kept telling myself that I was fine just as I was and to change that narrative started to feel like I was upsetting my apple cart. There were thoughts of ‘why change anything, if its not broken’. I was satisfied with the status quo, thank you very much. There is an ease and peacefulness in living life in what’s familiar. Previous changes in my life had often been associated with a sense of feeling unsettled and uncomfortable.

Yet another part of me knows that change is always happening in our lives. I was reminded that life would not always be as stable as it is now. I also knew that if I wasn’t in the pilots seat consciously examining and planning the next chapter of my life, that things around me would continue to change and I would have little control over the narrative. If I wanted a sense of control over the process, it needed to be examined.

” When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care” – Pooja Lakshmin M. D.

So where did this mental block come from?

There are two trains of thought I’ve come across about our experience of the comfort zone. Kristen’s, that it’s a great place to live and expand our life from. The other is that living within our comfort zone is a form of fake wisdom. Australian social psychologist, Hugh Mackay, challenges the concept that we as humans thrive on stability. Instead he believes quite the opposite. That humans thrive on the experience of being taken out of their comfort zone. He sees it as the space where we embrace, rather than resist change. We are more productive, stimulated and satisfied.

As humans we thrive on novelty rather than sameness. When a baby or young child encounters something new they show renewed focus and a strong sense of curiosity. While peace of mind is still an attribute we aspire to, its ongoing role is to help us navigate the inevitable bends and twists of life.

So, what can we do?

Use our previous experience – When we are experiencing something new or unexpected we can draw on what is familiar and take it with us into unfamiliar territory. For example, over our life times we will travel. This is a wonderful novel experience filled with different cultures, languages, food and customs. Yet it’s the lived human experience, just in a different location. Often if we go to a new destination we have navigated the transport, accommodation and sightseeing logistics elsewhere so we are not starting from scratch. We can also take our human qualities of respect, courtesy and kindness with us.

Use the experience of others – It is comforting to know someone has set foot in this unknown territory before us. We can gather information and seek mentors who have knowledge. How did they get there? By tapping into the experience of others we can feel supported along the way. We can also read books and articles, join groups to help build confidence and seek out advice from professionals.

Do it our own way – Experience something new in a way that is enjoyable and doable for you. I recently joined a group on a 50 km bike ride. It was something I had been reading about and the images inspired me. The night before our ride I expressed my concern about keeping up with the group who were fitter than I. They took on board my concerns and together we decided to take breaks and enjoy a more leisurely pace. It became an enhanced, enjoyable experience where I was able to extend myself comfortably.

Examine our fears – When we are confronted with something outside our comfort zone it often triggers our feelings of safety. Our negativity bias (based on our fears) hones into what might go wrong, rather than focusing on the potential and benefits of an experience. When that feeling arises take time to do a reality check. Are the concerns based on a previous experience that is no longer relevant? Could the fear you feel be an inner excitement rather than a warning about taking on the challenge.

Wishing for stability, with all our apples safely stored in our apple cart, is realistically not possible. Eventually each of us are confronted with changes that prompt some action. Allowing ourselves to step out of the familiar space of comfort can expand both our sense of who we are and also our capabilities. With our inner resources and those of others we have the supports we need to move forward.