In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently introduced an exercise around creating a Vision Board with our comfort zone positioned firmly at the middle. I like to do the exercises alongside everyone as it gives me insights about both the task and myself. Vision boards can be a powerful tool to visualize and manifest new things in our lives.

Putting together my comfort zone circle was a pleasurable experience. It’s filled with pictures and words I associate with gratitude, love, what I’ve accomplished and what brings me fulfillment. It’s also about those moments in my life when I have felt the most freedom to be myself. In a way, its like a snapshot of the positive aspects of my lived experience.

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An expanded Sense of Our self

Kristen Butler in her book The Comfort Zone speaks of the idea that we have an ‘Expanded Self’. When we think of her she is reaching beyond our known and comfortable zone to our dreams and aspirations. This expanded self is living the ideal life we dream of. Filled with peace and contentment. For Kristen, the key to creating what’s possible in our lives is to stretch from what we know and scaffold the steps to change. Her Comfort Zone Vision Board process made sense to me as its creation involved ever expanding circles with those items that we desire that feel slightly outside our current experience in the first outer circle. Other items that feel less attainable sit on a second larger outer circle of the board. The goal is to find ways to bring our dreams closer to our current reality.

What I wasn’t expecting with this exercise was the procrastination I experienced in creating this sense of my expanded self. I kept telling myself that I was fine just as I was and to change that narrative started to feel like I was upsetting my apple cart. There were thoughts of ‘why change anything, if its not broken’. I was satisfied with the status quo, thank you very much. There is an ease and peacefulness in living life in what’s familiar. Previous changes in my life had often been associated with a sense of feeling unsettled and uncomfortable.

Yet another part of me knows that change is always happening in our lives. I was reminded that life would not always be as stable as it is now. I also knew that if I wasn’t in the pilots seat consciously examining and planning the next chapter of my life, that things around me would continue to change and I would have little control over the narrative. If I wanted a sense of control over the process, it needed to be examined.

” When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care” – Pooja Lakshmin M. D.

So where did this mental block come from?

There are two trains of thought I’ve come across about our experience of the comfort zone. Kristen’s, that it’s a great place to live and expand our life from. The other is that living within our comfort zone is a form of fake wisdom. Australian social psychologist, Hugh Mackay, challenges the concept that we as humans thrive on stability. Instead he believes quite the opposite. That humans thrive on the experience of being taken out of their comfort zone. He sees it as the space where we embrace, rather than resist change. We are more productive, stimulated and satisfied.

As humans we thrive on novelty rather than sameness. When a baby or young child encounters something new they show renewed focus and a strong sense of curiosity. While peace of mind is still an attribute we aspire to, its ongoing role is to help us navigate the inevitable bends and twists of life.

So, what can we do?

Use our previous experience – When we are experiencing something new or unexpected we can draw on what is familiar and take it with us into unfamiliar territory. For example, over our life times we will travel. This is a wonderful novel experience filled with different cultures, languages, food and customs. Yet it’s the lived human experience, just in a different location. Often if we go to a new destination we have navigated the transport, accommodation and sightseeing logistics elsewhere so we are not starting from scratch. We can also take our human qualities of respect, courtesy and kindness with us.

Use the experience of others – It is comforting to know someone has set foot in this unknown territory before us. We can gather information and seek mentors who have knowledge. How did they get there? By tapping into the experience of others we can feel supported along the way. We can also read books and articles, join groups to help build confidence and seek out advice from professionals.

Do it our own way – Experience something new in a way that is enjoyable and doable for you. I recently joined a group on a 50 km bike ride. It was something I had been reading about and the images inspired me. The night before our ride I expressed my concern about keeping up with the group who were fitter than I. They took on board my concerns and together we decided to take breaks and enjoy a more leisurely pace. It became an enhanced, enjoyable experience where I was able to extend myself comfortably.

Examine our fears – When we are confronted with something outside our comfort zone it often triggers our feelings of safety. Our negativity bias (based on our fears) hones into what might go wrong, rather than focusing on the potential and benefits of an experience. When that feeling arises take time to do a reality check. Are the concerns based on a previous experience that is no longer relevant? Could the fear you feel be an inner excitement rather than a warning about taking on the challenge.

Wishing for stability, with all our apples safely stored in our apple cart, is realistically not possible. Eventually each of us are confronted with changes that prompt some action. Allowing ourselves to step out of the familiar space of comfort can expand both our sense of who we are and also our capabilities. With our inner resources and those of others we have the supports we need to move forward.

Every week I have conversations with women who are making big decisions in their lives. Whether it’s about where they live and work. Around their relationships. Their health and well-being. Decisions that will impact their own future fulfillment and happiness.

At times the decision making occurs outside their control. A major health concern for themselves or a loved one, having a partner who no longer wishes to be in their marriage, a workplace environment that doesn’t satisfy or becomes unstable and job loss occurs. Change comes unexpectedly, yet somehow they need to find a way forward.

I listen to them and admire their bravery and courageousness. Stepping out from what they know as stable and comfortable to find their way forward. Overcoming fear of the unknown to make decisions that will inevitably change their lives. They do it because often the cost of inertia, deciding to do nothing, becomes too painful. It takes a toll on their mind, body and spirit.    

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Inner chaos.

With all types of change our mind can feel a level of stress and anxiety. This causes the amygdala within our brain’s limbic system to be activated. Its job is to keep us safe from immediate danger and we enter a state often referred to as ‘fight or flight’.  It can cause our thoughts to race; body reactions heighten and we go into autopilot emotionally. The stress response can also cause us to ‘freeze’. We feel numb, our mind goes blank and we are overcome with inertia.

All of these triggered responses make it difficult to function calmly and make sound decisions. Those functions belong in another part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. It is easy to lose contact with this area of the brain when life is challenging.

Turning Chaos into Calm

When we are triggered its important to realize we have a choice. We can move away from achieving calm and clarity by entering into a seemingly endless loop of ruminating thoughts and feelings. Often looking back over our past or toward the future as our reference point.

There is also an alternative choice to use that moment of being triggered to pause and practice mindfulness. Using the breathe as an anchor for our reactivity by noticing our immediate environment. Noticing the sights, sounds, tastes and smells. Focusing on details. Keeping ourselves firmly in the present moment.

The role of Intuition

As the mind calms, it becomes possible to tap into our intuition – that sense of feeling, of familiar patterns or relationships between what we know. This largely unconscious knowledge we access in our mind has crystallized from our previous experiences. We can then use mental shortcuts called heuristics to help us make quick and effective responses and decisions.

Often in conversations with others I hear them voice their own solutions. Deep down they know what is best for themselves. Their answers arrive when they are relaxed. Then it’s so much easier for them to access the desires of their heart. To consider the answers to questions such as ‘What matters right now?” “What type of person do I want to be?’

So often we seek external validation for these decisions. We listen to what others think is good for us. We focus on their opinions and preferences, even though the outcomes are going to have a huge impact on our own lives. We worry about making a decision that others won’t like or approve of.

It’s so important to learn to trust our own intuition. To prioritize our own opinions above those of others. Getting comfortable with making decisions that are important to us. After all, we are the ones that know ourselves and our particular life circumstances best.

Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest Dive Deeper provides some useful prompts to consider the next time you have a major decision to make: –

• What are the choices being presented to me?
• What do I personally feel is the best choice?
• Is this choice authentic for me?
• Does it match my hopes and dreams?
• What is my reason for making this decision?
• Do I approve of my own choice? (I may have to defend it to others)

Living by our Core Values

Values are our heart’s deepest desires of how we want to behave as a human being. There are literally hundreds of different values such as authenticity, connection, fairness, flexibility, persistence to choose from. Some particular core values we are drawn to, others are personally less important or relevant to us. We all have different preferences and there is no such thing as a ‘right value’ or a ‘wrong value’.

Tapping into the particular values that have personal meaning to us can help us anchor during life’s challenges and then navigate through change. For example, if authenticity is your core value you will tap deeply into your identity to decide the person you will present to the world through each stage of your life. Core values also help each of us live according to our unique purpose and inform the way we interact with the world.

Both Brene Brown (Dare to Lead) and Russ Harris (ACT Mindfully) have lists of Core Values to get you started on your exploration.

Taking Action with Curiosity

It’s not always easy to step into the action part of change. We can worry about the future and consequences of our decision making. I know because I made a major decision in my life around my 60^th birthday.

I sat in inertia for months yet I also took time to observe and listen to the conversations around me. In those observations and discussions were the embedded answers I needed. I still remember the moment of making my decision. It felt such an immediate response that I needed to move closer to my children and grandchildren. It came as an unanticipated shock to the life coach I was working with at the time. One she tried to talk me out of, but I knew in my heart it was the right one for me. As I spent more and more time with my adult children and their families my decision was reinforced. I was needed and had a role in their lives.

I experienced life differently for a while and doors seemed to effortlessly open for me to take action. I rented a temporary home and had access to furniture. Supportive family and friends surrounded me. I found the time and space to reflect on my life and reset my direction.  This decision became the right one for me.   

When we feel overwhelmed, anxious or worried it’s difficult to think straight. It is only by pausing with mindful awareness that we can find a place of calm and clarity. From the space created we can tap into our intuition and core values to make effective decisions. Insights may come quickly or we may need to sit and ponder alternative pathways. Either way, the clarity achieved through calm will be our guide.

For those of us who are mothers, we spend decades pouring a good portion of our lives into bringing up our children. As well as physical needs we cater for their psychological needs – nurturing, supporting, advising and teaching them about life. Loving them and quietly worrying on occasion as they take each step through their childhood and teenage years.

One day they are off. It happens so fast. We realize we’ve done a good job and raised amazing young adults who are forging their own way in the world. We’re proud of them and sit on the sidelines in admiration. Knowing that we’ve had a gentle influence on their upbringing.

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But what about ourselves. After pouring our energy into mothering we now feel a bit obsolete. No longer needed. In one sense ‘retired’ from a role we’ve embraced and loved.

Now it’s time to refocus on our own life, dreams and priorities.

It feels awkward at first, yet over time we gain momentum. Our children see us flourish as an individual rather than in the role as their mother. They gain an appreciation of us as a person in our own right. Still with love and availability if they need it.

Motherhood rarely has accolades and monetary rewards. Yet we look back at the importance of our role. Our relationship with our children continues to evolve and change. No matter how old they are, we are still going to be their mum.

‘Your greatest contribution to the universe may not be something you do, but someone you raise.’

Unknown Source

Where are you on that journey and what has been your experience so far?

You might like to continue your reading here –

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

You can join the discussion further in our private Facebook group –

@Healing the Matriarch Community. You will be asked some questions before being admitted. It’s a space for inspiration, questions to ponder and connection.

I have recently come across a wonderful word, Liminality. It refers to the place neither here nor there in life’s journey. A place in between. It happens when we are moving beyond familiar life as we know it and not yet experiencing a comfortable new reality. Very much like the cycle that proceeds the emergence of the butterfly. The chrysalis stage within the cocoon can become totally messy as one creature, the caterpillar, dissolves to make way for the transformed butterfly. The chrysalis is neither caterpillar nor butterfly.

Photo by Bankim Desai on Unsplash

In Anthropology liminality, which in Latin means threshold, is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the midst of a rite of passage or emerging significant change. The person experiencing it is in the space of transition where they are shifting from their previous identity, time in their lives and often community of people around them.

That can happen for our children as they progress through their schooling. We often marvel at the totally dependent baby we gave birth to five years ago as they walk through the school gate for the first time. In no time, it’s the high school gate and the emergence of the teenager who seeks identity separate to their family and looks outwardly into the world for their role models.

As adults, it is something we feel regularly as we experience the significant changes of life – leaving school, studying for a profession, changes in our work, relationships and marriage, moving home, becoming and being parents, empty nesting and retirement. As we navigate adult life we are also aging and at times grieving the loss of loved ones. We eventually experience our physical decline and the larger questions around the legacy we will leave behind. Our lives refuse to stand still. Research has found that we will experience a significant change or disorder event approximately every eighteen months or so during our adult life. Something that fundamentally shifts our experience of both ourselves and the world around us.

Brad Stulberg in his book Master of Change talks about the change process being one of order, disorder, reorder. Following change we are not the same person as we were before. In this process life feels stable until we face a time of change or disorder. We get a sense that we are no longer who we were, or who we will be. We are in transition toward our new ‘normal’. We continually move forward and the process transforms us. Over time it impacts how we see ourselves, how others see us and how we view the world around us.

The liminality space is not an easy one to traverse. It’s personally at times daunting and uncomfortable. Those around us notice us changing and it unsettles them. They have a vested interest in us staying the same. The place in between also triggers our need for safety and sense of security. We might take steps forward only to later retreat back to what we know as familiar. This often happens when we want to change a habit or behaviour. Yet the transformation space can be an exciting one, particularly if what we’d like to bring into our life is something that we desire.

“Change tends to unsettle us. It often arrives uninvited, disrupting the comfort of our routine. We find ourselves struggling, treading water as we brave liminality; betwixt and beyond the known.”

Madison Taylor Breathe Magazine

If you find yourself in the liminality space, between the known and new, the following strategies can support your experience: –

Compassion –

When change occurs the first response is to pause. Being in the midst of change can cause our sympathetic nervous system to work overtime. Make space to breathe and get in touch with how this particular change is being felt in your body. What sensations can you feel? What emotions are present? Be specific in your observations and name your emotions as this is a powerful way to move forward. Once you are aware of how you are feeling use a Self-Compassion Break to soothe and acknowledge the humanness of your discomfort. You are not alone as others have experienced what you are experiencing. Give yourself support and nurturing as you would when comforting a child.

Acceptance –

Change is a fundamental part of life. By accepting rather than resisting change it becomes easier to use strategies and plans to move forward with ease. With acceptance it is possible to embrace a new stage of our lives. Seeing what is good and beneficial while also acknowledging its challenges.

Focus on Personal Growth –

The difficult times in life are often when we experience the most personal growth.  Stories in mythology recognize a pattern of stages now known as the hero or heroine’s journey. The individual moves from what is familiar to a personal call for adventure. They can resist it or move forward perhaps finding a mentor for guidance along the way. There are obstacles to overcome and allies and enemies to encounter. Eventually a point of no return is reached and action is required to replace the old life with the new. Each time we go through this process of the hero’s journey we inevitably learn more about ourselves.

Conscious Plans and Actions

We live with both conscious and subconscious desires of what we want from life. The process of manifestation supports us realizing those changes. Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest 7 Steps to Living Your Best Life believes the first steps to manifesting are in believing you are worthy of what you want to receive and having a decent amount of self-love. I really like her motto ‘fake it until you are it’ which translates into behaving as if what you want to manifest has already happened. It’s a call to action and behavioural change.

It’s also important to get very clear and detailed about what changes you wish to make in life. If it’s a new job – what, where, with whom and what does a typical day look like are questions to explore. You can also get detailed on a potential relationship partner or a new home you are looking for. Manifestation asks you to divert energy with purpose and trust in the universe. Creating a vision board can be a helpful process in honing those things you would like to bring into your life.

Connection   

Sharing life’s journey with those who can understand and empathise with you is wonderful. They may be people going through the same life stage or experience at the time. Those who have moved forward to the next life stage or resolution of a difficult experience can also be useful sources of support.

Rituals –

Liminality thrives on the use of ritual. Taking the time to consciously celebrate and honour the closing of a chapter and ushering in the next. It can be a small but personal acknowledgement of moving forward and beginning to embrace a new part of your life.

The more we navigate change in our lives the more experience we have to draw on. We have experienced the liminality space before, making it easier to develop a tool kit of strategies to support our change process. We know the sensations and emotions of transition. We can also use acceptance, compassion, personal growth through lived experience, manifestation, connection and rituals to guide our journey.