Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Taking the Journey to Change

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As the new decade dawned at the beginning of this year it was filled with promise. Turning over a new page of life and hope for the future. What has transpired has been decidedly different. It has been six months of real change and upheaval in the world.

While these events were unexpected, they highlighted our ability to adapt. One thing we can guarantee in life is that we live in a state of constant change. It is an inevitable part of our humanness that helps us build courage and resilience.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change”

Albert Einstein

Each day marks an invitation to begin anew. To make sense of the world around us and our part in its existence. When we open our eyes, our senses are bombarded with life.  Our minds quickly switch on to the daily tasks, concerns and planning of the day. Its easy to get distracted by the latest news feed or the multiple calls on our attention, whether it be other people or the objects of our lives. It can feel like we have stepped into a flowing river and are carried along over the riverbed, rocks, and debris. We might catch a brief pause as we hit a stagnant patch and rest, but eventually the constant flow catches us once more.

Photo by Angus Gray on Unsplash

Most people go through life adjusting to the uncertain dynamics that act on them. The signs of anxiety, depression and helplessness may be our inner voice recognizing dissatisfaction with our current situation. Outwardly it can be observed in the body as lethargy and inaction. Once we are in this mindset it is a difficult one to shift. Only through summoning the strength to act in a situation that no longer serves us can we begin the process of change.

What are some of the attitudes required to take this journey? :-

Being resourceful. Our ancestors have given us many of examples of how they were resourceful with changing circumstances. Many times, they overcame obstacles by bouncing back and finding new ways to navigate life. We hold the resilience of our ancestors within us and we can honour that by showing up as best we can. Imperfect action is better than no action at all.

Being compassionate.  Life will continue to give us both small and large changes of circumstances to deal with. We can be aware of our responses and give ourselves compassion when these changes are unwelcome. Part of who we are is living through the struggles presented to us in our lives. Practicing with the small changes helps build strategies for when the bigger challenges come along.

Being adaptable. Sometimes major shifts happen to us and we are forced to adapt quickly. In our everyday lives we can look at our ability to go with the flow as small changes happen. Living with acceptance rather than resistance to improve our life balance.

Being intuitive. Often, we have a sense when we need to change. Begin by asking for guidance. It might be through prayer, journaling or expressing our thoughts in conversation with others. Listen for an inner ‘gut’ reaction to how you feel about the planned change. Does it give you a sense of excitement or anticipation? Or perhaps it is one of mild panic or inertia.

Being conscious of the effect of decisions on others. Check the integrity of the change by speaking with those people who are either directly impacted or who you can trust. Are there concerns or negative reactions from them? If so, are they based on fear or a dependency on you? Can these concerns be addressed?

Being open to change. It is important to acknowledge that there is a risk in changing direction as this is an important crossroad. It is not possible to eliminate all risk and if we attempt to do so it can lead to paralysis of action. Move forward methodically and take the actions that support your choices along the way. Once you begin, let go of the outcome. See each step of the journey as embarking on a new adventure. You never know what surprising detours may happen along the way.

The hardest work comes in getting to the decision. Once you have an end goal in mind it is as if invisible tracks spread out before you. Opportunities arise with some ease and solutions become apparent.

Finding beauty and purpose in the broken

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The Japanese art of Kintsugi (golden joinery) is a beautiful reminder of life’s journey. When a treasured piece is broken it is lovingly pieced back together using lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold. The purpose is to honour rather than disguise the history of the object. The finished work is often more striking and valuable than the original.

Our lives are imperfect. There are often deep challenges that force us to feel a sense of brokenness and despair. The longer we live, the more likely we are to face life events that make us feel an affinity to these broken pieces of pottery. We may have faced the death of a spouse or loved one, the ending of a long-term relationship, a physical illness, or a deep sense of disconnection with the world.

Living life this way feels inwardly painful and makes us question our sense of belonging and purpose. The life we have known is either shockingly taken from us or slowly disintegrates into something we no longer recognize as healthy for ourselves. In this moment there is the possibility of re-crafting and reconstruction.

“Awareness is the first step in healing.”

Dean Ornish

Each piece of our life that is ‘broken’ tells a story of the past. Some pieces hold sadness and regret for mistakes and decisions made. Others are a source of joy and inspiration. Like a mosaic lying before us, it appears broken beyond repair. Emotionally this often feels like a sense of emptiness, frustration, and anxiety. While the pieces are broken our sense of wholeness and security crumbles and life feels challenging on a daily basis. The outside worlds seem oblivious to our pain.

The beauty of the broken pieces is in the possibilities ahead. We need to take on the purpose of the Kintsugi craftsman to lovingly take the first steps to restoration. Healing the broken parts and piecing together a renewed structure. We can long for the past or regret how we hoped life may have turned out for us. Yet taking this stance leaves us in the predicament of remaining in broken pieces.

Author and psychologist, Martin Seligman, describes the term post-traumatic growth in his book Flourish. The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been widely acknowledged as a diagnosis following traumatic life experiences. What Seligman and his colleagues also found was that these experiences can be an opportunity for growth. Particularly in the areas of building mental toughness, character, and strong relationships with others through adversity. In this sense, what does not leave us broken can make us stronger individuals.

I know in my recent journey of healing, starting with physical wellbeing and security was paramount. The small incremental steps to build my sense of self mattered. Part of that journey was in taking time for solitude and reflection. To spend time nurturing myself through walks in nature, exercising, journaling, and self-care. I looked for positive affirmations, courses, podcasts, and writings that rebuilt my sense of being.

The journey was also one of relationships. I was able to establish and re-establish beautiful connections with others who held me lovingly along the way. As I learnt to express myself more authentically, I found my kindred spirits on this journey. These people have become my guides and sources of inspiration.

I have learnt some valuable lessons: –

  • The first is that we need to individually choose what is best for ourselves. What has worked for others may not be right in our situation.
  • We hold the impetus for our healing. It will have its own timeline and unique course. It will often feel like two steps forward, one step back and what emerges may be what we least expected.       
  • The pathway to wholeness is better made in connection with others. People who can support and nurture us as we heal. So, find your ‘gold artisans’ who can help guide your journey.

As the resulting product, we can become stronger and more assured. Able to make informed decisions and move in life with more purpose and contentment. We may not quite resemble the person before our brokenness, yet what we recreate can be a wiser and more beautiful version of ourselves.

The Power of Our Story

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Imagine you were able to hold the book of your own life in your hands. It has a unique cover that clearly depicts the colours, textures and words of your existence. The chapters within symbolize you and your life journey. The title of the book would represent why you are here. The pages within give the context for what you have come here to learn, create and share with others.

Each chapter is unique. It has its own title that encompasses a specific period or event in your life. Some of the chapters are filled with happy moments and others you would rather cross out sentences or tear out pages. If not, you would dearly love to rewrite them from a new perspective.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The story has paused just at this moment in time where you currently inhabit. The person you see in front of you has lived the chapters before and is a representation of the culmination of all those life experiences that are uniquely yours. The past has informed who you are, yet each day is the opportunity to write a new part of your story.

Our stories are carried in our bodies. They come to us from our earliest recollections as the processing of events in our lives. They are our perceptions of the world and come delicately attached with emotional energy and memory. Our earliest stories are often written within family, our first teachers. Beyond are the cultural and community influences that shape our view of the world.

Each time we retell the story of something that has happened in our lives it is delicately edited. Surprisingly as we tell some tales of life the emotional memory surges through in a deep well of love, hurt or grief that springs from our heart, or tears that drop from our eyes. At the time we may be surprised with the vividness of our emotional response. It does not seem to matter if the event was long ago, the emotions can vividly resurface.

On each telling the story transforms anew. Parts of our recall from the moment of experience remain, while other parts become embellishments of deeper understanding framed from our life experience. We may feel the need to retell the story many times to gain further clarity or to change our perception. When a story keeps us stuck in a moment in time, we need a prompt to search for alternate memories to balance our recall and strengthen resolve to move forward. If our story is part of a larger picture it needs the validation of others for this to happen. As we hold the collective stories of struggle, hurt and grief we give each other the opportunity to recalibrate earlier chapters of our life journey.

How wonderful it is to hear each other’s stories. There are benefits for both the speaker and listener. For the speaker it is an opportunity to take what is in their mind and body – our thoughts and feelings and process them aloud. It is also the opportunity to be validated and receive insights from others. For the listener, it is an opportunity to know the speaker beyond the surface of everyday conversation. We may get the chance to understand and appreciate their underlying perspective.

If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘What is his story, his real, inmost story? – for each of us is a biography, a story 


Oliver Sacks – The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

Words are powerful. When they remain within us as ruminating thoughts, they have the potential to harm us. The anxiety and depression that we feel often comes from the shame of not wanting to burden others with our inner world. Yet if we can break through the insecurities of shame, we may find that as we speak up, we are heard and understood. Even if our experience feels unique to us when we share it with others, we find they can often relate in some way. We each hold stories of love, loss and belonging.

There is something unique about telling our story. To speak our journey with each other is more powerful than reading the biographical words on a page. In the retelling of our life experience we continually re-frame who we are and why our lives matter. The stories of our lives remain lovingly imperfect. We ‘rewrite’ them each time we retell them. A beautiful opportunity to process our past and newly inform our future.

Hope for Transformation

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Our granddaughter who is thirteen came home from school yesterday complaining about being unfairly treated by one of her teachers. After some further conversation it was evident that the teacher was using an exercise to favour some students over others. This was subtly highlighting the nature of powerlessness and prejudice in society. A topical teaching amid the current painful and confusing times surrounding the death of black American George Floyd.

George Floyd was the straw on a camel’s back that has carried the load of injustice and lies.

Caroline Myss – Author

To her it was unfair and unjust that the teacher had played sides. Her teenage analysis had not been able to look past the surface to the deeper lesson on inequality below. As she chatted with us, her mother and grandmother, we were able to share a larger context on the issue. How there are those in life who have privilege and those who struggle to find their place in this world. Although we may have been created equal, life doesn’t necessarily give each of us equal opportunity, resources, or voice.

Something I took away from that intergenerational conversation is that my years of experiencing life gave a richer perspective to our conversation. Yet as an elder adult I am feeling the energy of a total collective imbalance that has occurred in this instant. There are many questions and understandings that I am grappling with right now.

As I watch the news, tears well as I hear the family of George Floyd plea for peaceful protest amongst the violence and property destruction perpetrated by a minority. Here is a man who had a family, a daughter who will not have her father for the important guidance and occasions in her life. The human story thankfully is being told amongst the media saturation.

We also see police officers kneeling in solidarity with the protesters. They know they are as stereotyped as much as the black American’s who feel rage and anger at this act of inhumanity. The voice we are not hearing is that of the police officer who took George Floyd’s life. Where was his mindset in that instant that he could not listen to the pleas of those around him to stop in that moment? What seems small in proportion to the massive outcry in response was perhaps the moment of shocking reality we needed to witness as humanity.

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

How do we start to move forward from this pivotal moment in time? –

  • We need to seek a larger perspective on what has occurred. To ask the questions, to search the history of inequality that plagues our cultural and gender divide. Why is it so important to have the upper hand in a power struggle? Where we see it in the world it has led to great divides and injustice between fellow human beings. This imbalance needs to be examined and addressed.
  • Individually, we need reflection. Whether it is through prayer, meditation, or just pure appreciation of the world around us. We need to be more open to the feminine qualities within all of us. To focus on our own well being and nurturing that of others. To revert to the basic needs of love, home, and family. Ensuring these are accessible to all.
  • The change will come from all generations working together. To create within our own realms of influence critical thinking around inequality. Examining what language, beliefs and actions allow this to continue in our communities and beyond.

More than ever we need to come together across our generations. We cannot afford to sit in relative comfort, security and affluence when right before our eyes injustice happens. This brief catalyst may provide the hope for transforming our world. We are truly in this together.

June 2026
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