Healing the Matriarch

If ‘ home is where the heart is’ mine is scattered far and wide geographically. I seem to have lost my roots to a physical place after so many moves, although I have a strong affinity toward my birthplace. Now, home is where I gather with the people I love and those who, in return, love and appreciate me.

It’s uncomfortable choosing between places and people, yet that has become my lot at this time in my life. I’m the gypsy who has physical addresses in different locations. Regularly explaining myself and my transient life. The only valid choice for me right now is to go with my heart and intuition to craft a life that flows with personal meaning. A life that I refuse to regret. A life where I am fully immersed in relationships with those around me.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”

Sarah Dessen

The funny thing about our sense of ‘home’ is that it evolves over time. Some of our homes are chosen for us, particularly when we are children. If our family stays long enough in one place these spaces hold many memories, good or bad, that remain within us. We can reminisce about sibling shenanigans, shared family occasions and special places of comfort that we knew we could retreat to.

 As each of us venture into the world, our physical home may change more frequently. It may be a temporary accommodation near study or work. A shared home or one we craft on our own. If we are in relationship with someone, the personal tastes and style of each person meshes together to form a space that reflects the people within.

A few years ago, the home I share with my husband underwent a major renovation. The only time I truly saw the transformation process was when it was internally guttered from one end to the other. In that moment, I lost a sense of belonging and connection to it. Extraordinary, as I had been involved in the dreaming and decision making about the changes, yet unlike my husband I wasn’t physically on site every day to watch them emerge.

My disconnection didn’t improve when the renovation was complete. I fought with the constant feeling of living in what felt to me like a display home. Every new appliance was a challenge and the architectural changes felt energetically foreign to me. I soon realized that this revised home was crafted for my husband’s tastes and I had difficulty putting my presence within the rooms and outdoor space.

Two of the bedrooms were set up for visitors. My heart hoping they would be used by family. Yet the tyranny of the 1,000-kilometre distance between their homes and ours meant visits to us were few and far between. It’s challenging to travel long distances with young families so our guest rooms remained unused. This created a growing sadness within me as I walked past them each day.

Family visits, without my husband by my side, became more frequent to the point that I could see opportunities to be closer to our children and grandchildren who lived in the same location. A location that also happened to be my beloved birthplace community. Chances emerged to play ‘nanna’ and to offer care and additional transport when needed.

I made the decision to move nearer to our family, a time I have cherished. Setting up a rental home that truly reflected my own tastes. Two years later, I am once again in transition in regard to where I live.  Our daughter and her family are moving to a new location. My heart and my sense of ‘home’ is feeling a need to expand once more.

What have I learnt about creating home where my heart is?

• The pain of inaction can easily destroy you. If intuitively a move of home feels like it will heal your heart have the courage to go for it.
• The decision may not be permanent, as very few things are. Life will take you in surprising directions and provide creative solutions along the way. Trust in the timing of your life.
• If your home doesn’t feel a reflection of you – whether décor or the relationships within, do something about it. We have one wild and precious life says poet, Mary Oliver. Use it wisely. Broach your discomfort, have the difficult conversations, and find ways to create your own unique sense of belonging.

Let ‘home’ be more than a physical address. Let it be a collection of moments that build upon each other. Create an energetic space where you feel a sense of connection and love. If you are grounded to a physical home that continues to nurture and grow with you, wonderful. But if you are like me and home doesn’t seem to exist in a one physical space, have the courage to meaningfully create it in conjunction with those you love.

This time of year has traditionally been when I gather with women. Sometimes it has been with friends to enjoy walking daily through a city and last year with female family members to celebrate our eldest granddaughter entering her teenage years.

There is something special in spending time in the company of other women. Gathering together has been a ritual for us since the beginning of time. An opportunity to gather around food, tell stories, share wisdom, and create a sense of connection and belonging.

‘A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform.’

Diane Mariechild

Times have not changed, and the need for women to gather has become particularly poignant after navigating the challenges of this year. In instigating the first Healing the Matriarch retreat my focus was on bringing women away from their everyday lives, into nature and creating a natural flow to each day.

We chose Kiah Wilderness Tours as our escape. Six women, some who had been school friends, descending on a beautiful coastal property on the Kiah River near Eden NSW. Our hosts, Jenny and Arthur Robb meticulously planned our camping experience with luxury tents for two, catered meals and two special activities – one for each day.

Our arrival in Eden was a welcomed reprieve from the heat of early Summer. As we opened our car doors we were met with a cooling sea breeze rising up toward our town accommodation. That evening we met at the local pub for a shared meal and to celebrate this special time coming away together.

Early next morning we had a quick breakfast before heading to our morning activity, a peaceful kayak along the river. The tranquility and abundant bird life was soothing to the soul. We soon found our paddling groove and became mesmerized by our surroundings.

The remainder of the first day flowed into a natural rhythm. Swimming, card games, conversation, and plenty of laughter. A beautiful grazing plate of food more than sustained us. The wind whipped up during the afternoon and challenged our campsite. We also lost power for several hours. Thankfully, our teamwork and resourcefulness shone as tent pegs were hammered in and upturned gear was resurrected. All part of the experience. No one particularly noticed the time as day turned into evening and our tent beds became a comfortable and cosy oasis from the crisp night air.

Our second morning began with a choir of bird calls and cool crisp sunrise. It was a delight to walk among the bush setting taking in the sights and sounds. Feeling the damp grass beneath our feet. A selection of beautiful local breakfast supplies and coffee were available before we began a session of Yoga/Pilates with local instructor, Sasha from Alignment Within.

Many of the women were new to this exercise but found it enjoyable. As we progressed through the movements we released muscle tightness from kayaking the previous day. What I loved seeing was the way this form of inner body work produced such a lovely calming effect in each woman. We couldn’t help taking our towels and laying among the shaded trees post exercise, our bodies absorbing the benefits.

The rest of the day evolved. Swimming, trivia, a hilarious game of Finska, more conversation and delightful food and wine. We were keen to make the most of this beautiful setting together.

So, what are the requirements of creating retreat for women?

• Take each woman away from her everyday obligations and transport her to somewhere new.
• Allow her to be nurtured with prepared food, cosy beds and warm showers, beautiful supplies and her needs met. After all she is usually the one overseeing this in daily life.
• Opportunity to connect – to laugh, reminisce, reflect on the year, and share her burdens. Allow her to be in the presence of close, caring female influence. Give her permission to be her real self.
• Incorporate activities that fill her senses and help her to tune into her body.
• Lose the schedule and the clock so she can fully unwind and relax.
• Create memories and give her the opportunity to come away refreshed and ready for what lies ahead.

Find your tribe of women, whether its friends, family or work colleagues and learn to escape regularly. Your mind, body and spirit will be thankful.

Hi Nani,

What a different world it has been this year. While we have been separated by this crazy thing called Corona virus I have grown and changed immensely. The little baby you remember has turned one and I am such a different little boy from the one you held the last time we were together.

Mummy and Daddy have their fingers and toes crossed that soon the state borders will open and you will be able to travel to see us. Instead of looking and listening to each other over a screen we will have some wonderful time face to face together. I know you are looking forward to seeing us all, and if there are tears they will be ones of joy that say, ‘finally we are together’.

Just to give you a heads up when you are here with me here is a rundown of how we can spend this special time we will have: –

If when I first meet you again I appear uncertain don’t worry. I have been spending this first year of my life getting to know the people I love. I listen intently to their voices and mesmerise myself with their faces. I have been learning to trust them to be there for me and provide for my needs. It may take a little bit of time to get to know you once more but I don’t think it will take long.

Take your time with me. We have no meetings to go to, no agenda or need for a clock. Let me take the lead and show you all the new things I have discovered. Get down to my level on the floor. I love it when you lay down and become my climbing frame or hobby horse. If you stay in the same place I will feel comfortable to venture away and return to you. You are like my lighthouse.

Nani, the world is a fascinating place. That puppy dog that whips past me with its tail feels funny. The piece of fluff I spy on the floor is mind boggling and the pantry is my favourite place. There is so much to explore on the bottom shelf and I am big enough to reach it. Mummy and Daddy’s furniture is my jungle gym and as I move around I am learning – under, over, through and around. There are power pointy things at my eye level near the floor. What do they do, Nani? Just remember, all I need are your eyes to make sure I am safe from any danger.

I am learning so much with my senses. They are so finely tuned that I can sometimes feel overwhelmed with the sights, sounds, smells and tastes in my life. If that happens you will see it in my facial expressions, body language and responses. Help me calm with soothing, quieter activity. Gently sing, hum, or recite a rhyme to me. Rock me gently or let me cradle into your body as we look at a picture book. At times, let’s just look into each other’s eyes. Everything is so new that I take time to process it. Give me warnings if things are about to change with a gentle voice and simple words.

Talk to me and explain the world through your words. Tell me what things are called and point out the interesting sights around us. Pause in the conversation and let me ‘speak’. Even if it is my own special language at the moment my brain is taking in what you are saying.

The best place I have discovered is outside land. There are new textures to explore and my mouth finds things extremely interesting. Trees, grass, leaves, flowers, and birds. Wow Nani they all live outside this thing called our house. Things move past quickly and make noises – cars, buses, and trucks. Outside my window is the best movie screen ever. Let’s put going for a walk on our ‘to do’ list.

Now that I can walk, I am going to spend the next year of my life telling you what I have found out. All the time I have listened to everyone explaining things in my world. Soon I’ll start stringing words together to describe my adventures. Oh, what fun we will have Nani and poor Mummy and Daddy will have a hard time keeping up with me.

So looking forward to your visit Nani. Pack your bags soon. I can’t wait to see you.

Love, Charlie x

A blog dedicated to my friend Sal, affectionately known as Nani to her first grandchild, Charlie.

The experience I draw on: 14 years as a grandparent and over 20 years as an Early Childhood Teacher.

Although nobody knows for sure what the next few months will bring, we are coming to terms with the fact that this year’s Christmas celebrations will be different from those of the past. After such an unexpected year of uncertainty, loss, and disconnection; our energy for the season may be more difficult to muster.

Our own emotions and those of others are likely to be closer to the surface. Particularly if family members have been separated by border closures or distance. The changes we have experienced – social isolation, cancellation of our usual activities, work and business challenges, financial stress and our normal lives going online have taken some toll.

The daily updates, in regard to case numbers and border closures, are promising here in Australia. We have recently experienced days of few or no newly reported cases of the virus or deaths and major state borders reopening. We view from a precipice, hoping the current positive trend continues in time to gather with our loved ones. We witness the rest of the world and realize how fortunate we are. For many other countries, where cases are still prevalent, lives continue to be impacted.

Although this Christmas season may be quite a different one, it can provide unique opportunities and gifts of time and connection with one another. Here are some ways to refocus the season.

Focus on what is important – The hardships of this year have made us appreciate what we have and those things that we value as important. In response, there may be a focus less on consumerism and more on connecting with those we love.

Spend Wisely – Families may have less income to buy gifts and food so the gifts of presence with each other will be particularly important. Spending will need to be more conscious. New, less expensive rituals can be implemented. It may be a time to be less rushed and to simplify – creating extra time to spend together, to decorate, to make a meal.

Spread out the festivities – There are opportunities to create additional celebrations and special activities together around the Christmas Season. Let the focus of Christmas Day be on fun and togetherness. This can be less stressful, calmer, and even more affordable as activities and mini breaks are spaced out over time. Travelling with babies and toddlers to visit family before the rush of the season makes good sense.

Stay in touch – Continue to stay connected even if being together in person isn’t possible. We have become accustomed to gathering online during the year, so this can continue through the Christmas season.

Share with others – More than normal, this can be a time to help other families and our communities. To share kindness and support with our neighbours and those who have had a tougher year than ourselves.

Start a new tradition– Perhaps it will be something that you have not done before in the usual lead up to Christmas. Focus on what is available and ‘doable’ now.

Empathize with others. Care and respect each other – actively listen, and acknowledge how others are feeling. Allow those we love time to debrief the year that was.

Plan for the year to come – Write notes to place in a jar of what you would love to do when it is safe to do so. We will eventually emerge beyond the challenges of this year. Whatever the future holds, planning for the possibilities can be a joyful activity.

Focus on the important things this Christmas season. Follow spiritual traditions, develop gratitude for those around you and give to others in meaningful ways. As we gather it may be a time to conquer 2020 and make it a unique celebration of our resilience. Yes, it may be different celebration, but perhaps less will prove to be best for all of us. (Thank you fellow matriarchs Ann and Myrell for these parting pieces of wisdom).