Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

10 Things to Let Go of in Your Life

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Change is always happening. From the moment we and others are born we are growing and evolving as humans. We look at our children and treasure the tiny features of them as newborns. Before we know it they become walking, talking independent beings. Leaving our side to venture to school each day. Learning about life and creating unique perspectives and ideas. Eventually they are ready to launch into the world and our relationship to them changes once more. It becomes one of stepping back so they can make their own life choices and inevitable mistakes. They know where to find us if they need us. It’s up to us to evolve beyond parenthood.

Positive Psychologist, Rick Hanson, encourages us to Let be, Let go and Let in as we observe our attitude to change. The ‘Letting Be’ requires us to view life as it is right now with acceptance. Seeing it as our complex, imperfect reality. Observing rather than judging each part of the whole. Perhaps taking pleasure in what we have accomplished so far and letting feelings of gratitude rise to the surface.

With acceptance of life as it is, it’s possible to begin to ‘Let Go’ of what no longer serves us or hinders our momentum to move forward. This will allow us to ‘Let in’ the new. It is good to reminisce about our past, honouring any grief or discomfort we may feel or regrets we might have about past actions or decisions. Yet at some point we need to examine if our thoughts are healthy. Ponder these questions.

  • Do you feel a strong attachment to the past?
  • When change is unexpected or unwelcomed does it lead you to feel anxious, resentful or frustrated?
  • Do you find yourself ruminating over situations playing them over and over in your mind?

If so, it may be time to begin to let go of focusing on the past and begin to embrace what lies ahead.

Photo by Fineas Gavre on Unsplash

What are some things you can let go of to help you move forward?

Wanting your life to be different

Life is filled with choices and ‘sliding door’ moments. Each time we move in a particular direction the alternative generally fades into the background. We tend to continue on a path based on our previous choices. Sometimes circumstances are beyond our control and the life situations we find ourselves in are not of our own doing. Either way there can be times in our life when we become frustrated with the consequences of our choices. Feeling regret around decisions and seeing how they have impacted our lives.

It’s possible to have a certain amount of agency in moving forward. We probably made a previous choice based on what we knew at the time. Hindsight, the ability to look back on past decisions with more clarity, is a wonderful thing. It can also help us refine the way we make our current and future decisions. Better informed and with added experience to guide us. Hindsight can also let us see how an alternate path has evolved. Perhaps it has provided an even better outcome than we originally expected.

You can read more here – I Wish Life was Different

Debilitating Grief

Grief is a natural part of the impermanent nature of life and our subsequent feeling of loss. At times it can be overwhelming. It can also remain unexpressed and unresolved if we shut down our emotions and distract ourselves with life. At times it can feel impossible to move forward and life reminds us with triggers of what we have lost, particularly on anniversaries and dates we associate with that person or animal we are grieving. If grief becomes overwhelming it is best to seek professional help for support to allow you to process your thoughts and emotions. A certain amount of grief remains to be lived with, yet hopefully it softens over time and is integrated into our lives.

Past Hurts

Other people can overtly or accidentally hurt us. They may say or do things that cause us angst and upset. Unresolved it becomes quite easy for us to hold a grudge against the person and ruminate about the situation playing it over and over in our mind. This can lead to distancing from the person and lack of forgiveness.

Yet forgiving others for past transgressions is surprisingly the way to overcome our own hurt. It often is forgiveness and release that we privately make with ourselves. Knowing that it is painful to hold onto the hurt feelings over an extended time. Eventually we may restore our relationship with the person or alternatively find that we move on without any further contact. Either way we are letting go of our emotional tie to the situation.

You can read more here – Forgiveness Sets You Free

Judgement – of yourself and others

Judging yourself can lead to self-belief that you are ‘not good enough’. Noticing your faults rather than your good qualities. Comparing yourself to others. ‘I am not pretty enough’, ‘I am not smart enough’ and the list goes on. The antidote is to accept yourself for who you are. Having self-compassion and self-love through the attitudes you display towards yourself. It is so much easier to accept, rather than judge others, when you see yourself as a loved, imperfect yet authentic person. You can allow others the grace to also be themselves.

Past mistakes

As you look back on your past are there things you would have done differently? Are there interactions or conversations that hurt others, choices that weren’t in your best interest. In life, we can’t go back and repair situations that happened at the time. All we can do is learn from these situations. Sometimes there is the opportunity to restore a broken relationship, ask for forgiveness or even resolve to do better next time. Let go of guilt or shame associated with any past mistakes, acknowledge your part and forgive yourself.

If you could erase all the mistakes of your past, you would also erase all the wisdom of your present.

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Perfection

Jana Firestone in her book ‘Embracing Change’ explains perfectionism as a tendency to set particularly high expectations of ourselves. As a result we have highly critical beliefs about our self and how others perceive us. We find it difficult to accept criticism, make mistakes and adapt to change. Perfectionism can also lead to endless procrastination as we can fear the self-judged quality of our results.

The way to let go of perfectionism can be through acceptance of who we are and realize we are continually changing. Its important to like ourselves at each stage of life. It’s also important to present ourselves and our ideas to others just as they are. Allowing ourselves to falter and make mistakes. To have the courage to be vulnerable in front of others. In doing so we project the vital lesson that life is to be lived – imperfectly and flawed.

Roles and Responsibilities

Throughout our lives our roles and responsibilities to others keep evolving. We can be attached to the purposefulness and identity we receive in the tasks we do in our homes and the wider world. Yet our children grow up and we have less parental responsibility. We may also care for dying loved ones and the task comes to an end. Our paid work roles provide us with an income, a status and meaningful use of our time and energy. Yet at some stage in our lives we step back from our careers. They become less of our focus or discontinue altogether.

It can be challenging finding purpose and direction as a result. Once we can let go of the importance we have previously placed on these roles it is possible to step back and observe who we are in a more holistic way. The Japanese notion of Ikagai can be useful in helping refocus on finding your purpose, nurturing your friendships and seeking out your passions. Your Ikagai can be found at the intersection of exploring what you love doing, what you are good at, what the world needs and if required what you can get paid for. The book Ikagai – ‘The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life’ by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles is a good starting point to explore this concept.

Busyness

Life can be busy and our days filled with competing responsibilities. While busyness makes us feel productive and useful, it can also create stress and overwhelm as we see a multitude of tasks half done. Keeping our minds and bodies busy can also distract us from tackling emotional issues and resolving problems.

The key to busyness is to find balance. Stephen R. Covey in his book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ speaks about learning to prioritize those things that are important and require our attention. These are the things to do first. If you have lots of competing tasks create a ‘To Do’ list based on their importance and urgency. Focusing on one task at a time to completion leads to a sense of satisfaction. Also take time in your day to relax and just be. Read, listen to music or get out in nature. This helps you to recharge your body and mind.

Preconceived Ideas

Each time we observe others, listen to opinions and take in information we do so from our own unique perspective. We’ve built this knowledge over our life time observing and absorbing the ideas we grew up with and layering these with perspectives we gather as adults.  Often anything new is tested against our previous beliefs. This is called confirmation bias.

By remaining open and loosening our tightly held beliefs about the world it is easier to embrace new or conflicting information. We can also build empathy for those different to ourselves. If we remain open to new possibilities in our own future, potentially more opportunities can present themselves.

Worry about the Future

It’s possible to plan and put things in place for our future yet our lives are lived in the present moment. Worrying about the future takes up valuable energy that can be used on action toward things as they arise each day. It’s better to be at peace with your current situation, whatever that is. By maintaining this acceptance you can open yourself to opportunities available to you in the next moment. You can also more fully experience and appreciate life. Taking in the good of your present experience.

You can read more here – Radically Accepting Life

Focusing on our past can hinder us living firmly in the present and embracing the future. Are there things that you need to let go of in your own life? Perhaps it is time to examine these more closely and look for ways to resolve any negative issues that you identify.

The 180 Club

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Three female cousins, each approaching 60 years of age gave rise to the 180 Club. Born in the Year of the Dragon, their three transition plush toy dragons – Violet, Violet too and Big V – are ever present in their pictorial stories and special attendees at their events. For them, the 180 Club is a way to capture a snapshot of these few special years in their lives in a meaningful way. I spoke to one of the cousins, Margy, to gain more insight into their combined journey to this significant milestone.

How did the idea of the 180 Club come about?

Two of the cousins were going on regular walks 1 or 2 times a week. As we walked we were ‘solving the problems of the world’ (or so we thought). The third cousin lived elsewhere at the time the idea of the 180 Club was beginning to form. She just had to smile and agree. Thankfully she did.

We have all watched family members or friends put off doing things until it was too late and then their health would no longer allow them to pursue their plans. Some even had passed away. We were all fairly close growing up as our mothers were sisters, so many holidays and weekends revolved around extended family outings. As adults we all went in separate directions. However we remained available to each other and eager to catch up together whenever we could.

As we were all approaching 60 (yet we definitely didn’t feel it) we were wondering how we were going to celebrate this milestone. The 180 Club name emerged, 3 women x 60 years of age = 180.

How long has the 180 Club been in existence?

Our journey began in May 2023. Our actual 60th birthdays will occur in 2024.

What were the important elements in the 180 Club idea?

Our mission as three girls, born in the Year of the Dragon, was to create 180 days of activities, events and gatherings together over a three year period. There will be a mascot (a plush dragon) who must attend the event and we must not lose them. Their names are variations of Violet, a shade of our favourite colour purple. Family and friends have been invited to join us along the way for some fun and frivolity. Statistics will be gathered. Fun will be had. Everyone will pay to participate themselves.

“Nearly forgot some stats… Event # Five of The 180 Club – 3 Muso’s, 3 Bar staff, 3 Family members, 1 Repeat Offender and 1 Fairy Godmother.”

Are there special plans for you all, both individually and together, to celebrate your actual birthdays?

One of us has already started planning for her birthday next year. She is having a destination celebration and has family and friends invited. The remaining two of us are undecided.

I’m a firm believer in something will jump out and grab my attention and I will run with that. I’m very adaptable that way. I do like to be organised, but I am still open to suggestions and to going with the flow. We will probably have a combined gathering, particularly for a family, but I’m still thinking about other options.

How has this transition ritual helped you each approach this significant milestone year?

This “ritual” or “The 180” is all about grabbing life and running with it. Personally, as a wife and mother, you always put your family first and do whatever is needed for your husband and child, and I will continue to do so. But now, when both are very independent and aren’t relying so much on me as the “hinge” that keeps things swinging along, I am all about doing things that I would not normally do and “giving it a crack”. Yes, it does keep me hopping, but I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.

At this point in time, I am still working full time to help fund my adventures.  It also gives me the freedom not to feel guilty about jumping in and doing things. I will definitely continue trying new things and enjoying life.

Why might 60 be a significant milestone and transition for women?

Free of the cyclical nature of our hormones and menopause it’s a time we can emerge into a more stable and constant state of mind and body. Author and sociologist Brene Brown writes about a midlife reset that many women experience between their forties and sixties. An opportunity to take stock of their lives and decide those roles and expectations they wish to discard and those that will remain as a part of their emerging personal, authentic self.

For women, turning 60 can be a watershed moment of reflection. Accepting and forgiving themselves for things that happened in the past and having increased clarity about their identity as an older woman. While there are hopefully many years ahead there is now a sense that life is more precious with more of it lived and less days remaining.

According to the life stage psychologist Erik Erikson two opposing psychological tendencies emerge at this point in life. We may feel motivation for generativity or giving back of our time, energy and wisdom. If we are working it is a time of mastery, integrating our acquired skills and mentoring those new to our profession. Alternatively, we can feel ourselves stagnating and drifting with less sense of purpose and identity. An uncomfortable experience after years with multiple acknowledged roles within our families, workplaces and community.

Turning 60 is a life stage transition, much like when women entered puberty, that cries out for a ritualistic ‘rite of passage’ and acknowledgement. It can also honour for women the archetypal life journey from young maiden, through motherhood and beyond to the emergence of herself as the matriarch. A role providing wider support of both her extended family and the communities she belongs to. Her wisdom and advocacy can rise to prominence.

The ingenious way these cousins have decided to mark the transition to their 60’s is filled with fun and connection. Memories they will each look back on in future years. Consciously planned and experienced together with their families and friends.

Don’t Worry your Pretty Little Head

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For couples who are in their later years we grew up in an era of societal expectation of distinct divisions of labour. When we were young we received strong role models around what each partner in a relationship was responsible for. Those expectations probably moved with us into our adult life and our own relationships. The clearly demarcated lines often meant the husband was the breadwinner and looked after financial management and the wife cared for their home and their children. Women were not encouraged to be involved and to understand issues of the wider world.

Many of the women of our own generation also worked outside the home. Juggling employment, childcare and family responsibilities. Our husbands, often still the major breadwinners, weren’t particularly encouraged to do ‘women’s work’ once they came home. Even for our now adult children there can be inequities and a certain demarcation of ‘expected’ responsibilities. As a result, each person in the relationship develops particular strengths and practical knowledge around managing day to day life.

Photo by Age Cymru on Unsplash

From the outside this looks like a wonderful way to get things done. Sharing the load by clearly demarcated ‘job’ responsibilities. The issue is when one person in the relationship shoulders a vital part of living, resulting in there being a reliance on that person being physically around. As a result, we leave that responsibility in ‘capable hands’ and fail to learn the task ourselves. What works well while both are alive, in a sound relationship and in good health; becomes a major concern when that relationship ceases due to separation, divorce or death of a partner. Illness and infirmity can also change a couple’s dynamic quickly.

It’s a natural thing that we don’t really want to contemplate.  Instead brushing away the thought in the recesses of our mind until a future time. Yet in doing so we create difficulties for ourselves. It also creates vulnerabilities for us as elders.

Examples of this may be the partner who doesn’t know how to shop and prepare a healthy meal for themselves. Hasn’t been responsible for laundry and household cleaning. Has taken a minor role in organizing family occasions and catch ups with friends, remembering birthdays and connecting with children and grandchildren. It may also be a partner who has felt comfortable leaving financial decisions and payment of household bills to the other.

The reality is that one partner normally will pass away before the other. Generally it is the wife who lives longer than her husband. In more recent years, the number of divorces occurring in long term marriages has increased leading to vulnerability, particularly for women. Lack of superannuation due to an unstable employment history and division of financial assets, including the family home, can have major financial and social impacts for older divorced women.

Start the conversation early.

It’s so important to talk about our individual ‘surviving and thriving skills’. To check which areas we are proficient in and those we need to know more about. As a couple, to help each other in developing abilities in areas we would normally defer to our partner. We can do this by: –

  • stepping back on a regular basis to allow our partner to practice and become more proficient at a skill that comes more naturally, through experience, to us.
  • Understand that as that person is learning, only step in if your help is asked for. Give them space and time to learn at their own comfortable pace. Sometimes a challenging or unfamiliar skill just needs a bit of ‘figuring out’ time. Resist the temptation to jump in with assistance or take over the task completion. There is pleasure in successfully accomplishing a skill leading to increased confidence and worth around our own abilities.
  • Acknowledge that we are much more comfortable and confident is what we know. Those skills are automated in our mind and body as they have been part of us over a long period of time. They feel easy to do. It is so much more difficult to tackle the unknown and confusing nature of a skill we don’t normally take on.
  • Encourage the person to take the lead with what they are newly learning. Share the importance of them knowing how to do the skill. This will feed their desire and motivation to continue learning and perfecting. Criticism is discouraging.
  • Explore ways to receive help later in life for day to day needs. It’s not realistic to learn all of life’s skills and not require any support from others. Keep a list of brochures and contacts that provide healthy meals, home maintenance and care, help with finances and technology. If you think in the framework of ‘what if I wasn’t here’ you will identify the areas of support that may arise for each other. Remember to keep this information updated regularly.

When we are a couple it is tempting to divide our responsibilities between us. It can work well for decades of our relationship, streamlining the tasks required both inside and outside our homes. It’s important to be aware of the patterns of natural dependence on each other that this creates over time. One partner mastering a skill that is necessary for the other to know in later life.

We are usually particularly good at some things and have little knowledge and experience of others. Identify those skills you need to know more about. Teach each other in ways that encourage having at least a basic understanding and skill set of what is new. Together plan for the future possible day to day assistance that inevitably is needed. Whether it will come from trusted family members, friends or community organizations.

It’s not an easy aspect of life to contemplate. When we have the courage to start the conversations and the vulnerability to take on the task of either teacher or learner of a skill in later life we support each other’s lives in an important way.

What is Your Reason?

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Do you catch yourself nostalgically looking back over your past decisions? Wishing life was different. Thinking that among the alternate pathways you could have chosen, you made the ‘wrong’ one. I am sure you are not alone. As humans our ability to make good choices is impacted by biases in our thinking, and the previous life experience we can draw from. We can only make decisions based on what we know.

One of my readers made a profound statement that has resonated with me about this phenomenon. It’s that we need to reframe our nostalgic thinking to take in the reasons we made that particular decision at the time.

Unfortunately, early adulthood is a time when many of those important decisions are made. Where to live, the career or study path we take, whether or not to marry, if and when we have children …. The list goes on. It’s also a time when our brain is not fully matured for decision making and our life experience is lean and seems to be learnt ‘on the go’. Decisions can be made on impulse that have long term repercussions. Not only for ourselves but also for those around us such as family and friends.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Personally, I was faced with a myriad of life decisions in my early twenties. My mother had cancer and consequently died of the disease when I was twenty two. I was in my final year of university two hours away from my family. I had also met my future husband. At the time many of my friends didn’t know how to deal with having a motherless friend among them. Thankfully I was surrounded by a beautiful group of matriarchs, my university lecturers, who supported me as I completed my degree.

At the end of the year I made the difficult choice of following my fiancé to a new location away from my father and then seventeen year old sister. Each of us freshly grieving the loss. This decision has continually produced nostalgic reflection throughout my life. Causing me to make decisions to support family over my marriage at different times. It is also poignant again as our eldest granddaughter turns seventeen this year. I see in a very real, physical sense just how young my sister was at the time this life changing event occurred.

How can we frame these early decisions? To see that we gave ourselves valid reasons to make them at the time.

  • To understand how important it is to take the opportunities life provides for us. The alternative is to be frozen in a state of inaction and safety afraid we might get it wrong.
  • To accept the consequences. Once we choose a particular pathway in life, other doors will close. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and by looking back we may find we chose a particular path that has had repercussions throughout our life. See the consequences as life lessons that help us mature and grow wisdom. Interestingly enough, the longer we live the more likely a similar situation will arise that requires us to put into practice the life lesson we’ve learnt in a tangible way using our additional maturity and reflection.
  • Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. When you identify that you’ve taken a life path that has unintended consequences, give yourself forgiveness and compassion for being human.
  • Count your blessings. Okay, things didn’t turn out as you’ve expected, yet there are blessings in the pathway you have taken. Make a list of those good things that you have accumulated in life.
  • Find peace, ease and acceptance. Life throws so many choices at us. Some good and some not so good for us. You can only make your decisions on the circumstances and awareness you have at the time. Continue to see where your life leads from the decisions you actually make. There are often opportunities to redirect your life course or experience a missed opportunity you now crave in a different way.
  • Some choices are made for us. A health diagnosis, natural disaster or accident that brings with it an abrupt change of life direction. Even in these circumstances we can look at choices we can make moving forward.

As long as we live, we will be faced with making decisions among potential possibilities. You can only make those decisions on the limitations of the knowledge and experience you have at the time. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Life will continue to present both lessons and blessings for you along the way.

More reading on decision making: –

Making Authentic Decisions

Courage to Step Through the Opening Door

August 2026
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