Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

10 Aspects of the Heroine’s Journey

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The term ‘the heroine’s journey’ evolved from the original work of author Joseph Campbell. He extensively researched the structure of stories and myths from around the world and over time and found a common architecture. One that mirrors our own life experience of transformation.

The Hero’s (or Heroine’s) journey reads like a three act play: –

Act 1 – Setting the scene. Who you were at the beginning of your journey. What was unfulfilled in your life? What did you most desire? How were you coping or not coping with the situation?

Act 2 – Here we reach the centre of your story. We are keen to know the answer to the following questions. What is the crisis, change, struggle or challenge you face? How did you respond? What actions did you take?

Act 3 – Coming to the other side of the experience – still with its own challenges but facing them differently with the insight you have gained. Questions like these are asked and answered. Is there a transformation? Who are you now?

Photo by Gabriela Braga on Unsplash

‘Change brings challenges and stories show us how to face and overcome these. They inspire and instruct us’

Alison Wearing (Memoir writer)

While Joseph Campbell’s focus was on the masculine struggle in stories Psychotherapist and student of Campbell’s, Maureen Murdock, highlighted the feminine journey. A similarly structured sequence with its own unique aspects.

  1. A young girl grows up surrounded by stories that make her believe she exists in a perfect world.  She sees herself as an equal while also believing the men in her life will take care of her. (Cue our childhood fairy tales). She is eager to please and relatively naïve about life’s realities.
  2. Real life experience reshapes her beliefs. She finds herself in situations where she feels unprotected, hurt or possibly abused by others. As a woman she lacks a position of power or authority. Her people pleasing is taken advantage of and others push her boundaries leading to disappointment with her life and her place in it.
  3. Feeling hopeless is tempting but instead she tries to do something to address the status quo. Others tell her she can’t do it. She wonders what others will think yet is motivated to change the whole direction of her life. She leaves the safety and security of what she knows and her ‘home’. She looks outwardly for tools and people to guide her journey.
  4. Now she is in the eye of the storm. She is living in survival mode. She fears letting go and expressing herself. There is a keen sense of abandonment and not knowing whether to trust her intuition.
  5. She makes small steps forward. There is some progress but also experiences of failure. Each time she picks herself up she realises she has learnt more about herself. Her courage, independence and self-compassion keep her moving forward.
  6. Things get worse and she feels a sense of failure and defeat. A sense of hope seems far away.
  7. She reaches for the feminine quality of connection allowing others to give her a hand. She embraces the support and understanding of others and sees her own feminity in a more positive light.
  8. She is now stronger and more aware. She sees the world differently. Her qualities of courage and wisdom come to the fore. She is more confident of her place in life and faces her own fears with self-compassion.
  9. She returns to the world as it exists with a new clarity. Seeing the world for what it is rather than the idealized one she once believed in. She has changed but so too have those around her who have witnessed her journey. Some will stay firmly by her side while others are no longer part of her life. She now has a new toolkit of coping strategies and the rewards of her journey stay within her.
  10. Her own heroine journey becomes an inspiration. She may advocate for the struggles her journey entailed, supporting and equipping others who experience similar situations. It may lead to deeper meaning and life purpose as she shares her own story of transformation and change.

Take a look back over your own life. There are probably times you can identify when you have been on your own heroine’s journey. Change is always happening in small increments. Often silently in the background shifting the dynamics in our life circumstances and relationships. The term ‘stuck’ often arises when we feel unable to move forward. What we are feeling at that time is an invitation to take this transformational opportunity.

Closing Chapters and Opening Possibilities

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Five years ago a chapter closed on my life. I was at an impasse, unhappy with life and my place in it at the time. When I look back on that time I was coming up to a major birthday, often a prompt for personal reflection. I felt I was giving up on dreams I had for myself and feeling unsettled where I lived. It became the impetus for me making some major life decisions.

I began gravitating between two worlds. The one with my husband in a coastal city. The other with my children and their children living within the same country town. The kilometres between both places was vast. Yet I would regularly hop in my car and take the two day trip to see my family.

Eventually I was taking the journey more frequently and could see where I was most needed. Not with my husband in cosy, comfortable retirement. Instead I saw the increasing needs of my children’s growing families and craving the experience of hands on grand parenting.

The decision wasn’t easy but the logistics were. Just as a short term rental became available near our children, the renters in our investment property were moving on. As a result, a household of furniture found a new use. The heartbreak for me at the time was leaving my long term marriage and instigating a separation from my husband. It was difficult and uncomfortable. Yet my resolve remained. Within weeks I had organised the rental and my removal. The day loomed for me to physically move. Neither my husband nor I knew what outcome would emerge ahead. We only knew we desired very different things from life and the pain and angst of indecision had loomed heavily.

I look back on those next few years and feel a certainty about each of the decisions I made.

Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash

My journey of healing

I was instantly supported in my new location. By my two adult children and their families and by friends and new acquaintances who embraced me without asking too many questions. I also had a legal and accounting team who helped me sort through financial decisions. During the first six months of my move I became fitter and healthier. Freed of the mental angst of decision making my body naturally energized as I enjoyed doing things I loved. From spending time with my grandchildren to taking on dance and yoga classes. I felt a new lease on my life.

After the short term rental I moved into a more permanent rental situation for the following two years. I used this time to learn. Devouring online courses on healing, mindfulness and personal growth. Each time I would complete a course another equally relevant one would come into my awareness. I filled copious note books with ideas and learning. I met people online from around the world who were equally thirsting for new knowledge about life and living. During this time I also journeyed to India with a group of women from the local yoga studio. It was something definitely outside my comfort zone and helped me see my own capabilities and crystallized my personal direction.

The isolation of Covid gave me the opportunity to establish my blog. It’s title, ‘Healing the Matriarch’, seemed appropriate for the journey I was experiencing. All I had been through now had a purpose in informing others. Between blog posts I enjoyed caring for grandchildren and supporting their online learning while we ‘home-schooled’ through shutdowns. My skills as a teacher became useful. I also shared my personal journey at a local women’s conference.

Changes continued, including the process of our daughter and her family moving to a nearby city. Together we would share possible houses that fit their criteria of location and schools. As they considered various options I decided buying an apartment nearby would allow me a base to visit them. I also kept in the back of my mind that this may become my permanent home. I lovingly gathered furniture and goods for this new abode. I still had a financial stake in the home I had with my husband so I also knew I had to make a decision about our marriage. We had been together over forty years so it wasn’t one to take lightly.

The full circle with additional wisdom

While I had been taking this personal journey of discovery my husband was continuing to live his life independently. Alongside my own growth, he was exploring his own interests and pursuits. While we were separated we continued to communicate which each other. At first these conversations were tense and accusatory. For possibly the first time in our long marriage we were asserting our own needs and learning to advocate for them. Discussions that focused on past decisions we regretted, gave way to establishing a firm line to move forward together in a more conscious way.

I moved back into our home and for the first year or so there was an adjustment to the way we had both changed as individuals. Eventually we were able to find a comfortable enmeshing of our lives through more acceptance and better communication. We learnt to listen to each other rather than react and take things personally. It became easier to see ourselves both individually and as a couple. A mutual respect for each other’s wishes had grown.

The past in the ‘real sense’ does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretation

Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Kaga (The Courage to be Happy)

Moving Forward

Five years on, our marriage and life appear to have come a full circle. Yet the journey in between has been rich with learning and experience. We are not the same people we were back then. At the time trying to find our way into this stage of life. Faltering and at times feeling miserable and unsettled. The people we are now, both individually and as a couple, are wiser and more assured. I am sure we will still have hurdles to overcome in the future but we’re more equipped to handle them.

The major lesson I’ve learned from my experience is to have the courage to grow as an individual apart from others. As your world becomes less busy the focus can turn inward. It’s a time to rediscover who you are and allow that person to inform your identity in your relationships and life choices. Continue to be your own best advocate and friend. Make choices that really resonate with you and make a pact to enjoy your remaining years as fully as possible.

Random Encounters can Enrich our Lives

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A warm late summers day greeted us as our cruise ship glided into Noumea Harbour. We celebrated our good fortune as the previous cruise missed this beautiful South Pacific destination due to Cyclone Gabrielle. Yet here we were a week later able to experience this magical port of call. We disembarked and took the quaint open train ride called the Tchoo Tchoo through the city to the tourist coastal strip of Lemon Bay Beach “Baie des Citrons.”

After a coastal walk and changing into our bathers we were ready for a swim. The water was refreshing as we entered and while I swam along the calm waters of the bay my husband ventured further out to a pontoon. As I took breaks in my swim I could hear the beautiful sound of groups of French women in conversation as they exercised together in the water nearby. I’d learnt French at high school but now had little comprehension or fluency in the language.

The calm waters of Lemon Bay, Noumea New Caledonia.

After some time a lovely French woman in her late seventies spoke to me. A phrase which I understood was to acknowledge the beautiful weather. So I repeated it to her. She then continued a conversation in French before quickly realising I didn’t speak the language. Then an amazing thing happened. In her rudimentary English she began to speak again. ‘You are a good swimmer’ she said.

Slowly our conversation evolved and I found out she was a well-travelled woman who lived in the apartments nearby. She had spent time living in Sydney, Australia and had fond memories of her time there. Unfortunately, she has a husband who is now disabled so travelling was no longer an option for them as a couple. She apologised for her basic English but told me she enjoys reading in the language. She has also recently been learning Japanese. Our animated conversation continued as we floated in the water. It came to a natural conclusion as we both said goodbye and began swimming in opposite directions.

As I look back on that day this random encounter was one of the highlights. I enjoyed the conversation with this woman. While we spoke different languages we had commonalities in our lives. Touchpoints of shared experience and empathy.

It is the lives we encounter that make life worth living’

Guy de Maupassant (Writer 1850-1893)

Life often feels very ‘run of the mill’ with our usual routines and daily chores to frame it. Yet it is in the random moments of connection that we can truly enrich each other’s lives. Sharing our stories with each other. When we keep mindful of opportunities to strike up conversations with others, particularly when travelling, we can enhance our experience.

I don’t expect to see this lovely French woman again. Yet I hold the memories of our conversation within me. This chance encounter wasn’t planned yet it warmed my heart to have a conversation with a local in her everyday life.

Stay mindful to the possibility of conversations with others. When we are travelling we often have the luxury of slowing down the pace of our day to make way for the possibility of a chance encounter with a local. The key is to stay open to the same experience in our everyday life.

Women in Your 60’s Claim Victory.

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I’ve recently shared a wonderful poem by Donna Ashworth within my Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. It resonated with their lived experience and captured the changes women go through as they reach mid-life and navigate beyond.

It’s a victory poem of: –

  • overcoming previous adversity to gain a new sense of resilience.
  • Closing some chapters of life and embracing others.
  • Acquiring a new sense of our own personal priorities.
  • Developing a growing acceptance and regard of the woman we are, rather than one the world has expected of us. How we look, what we say and how we interact in our world.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

BY 40, OUR MIDDLE FINGER IS AT HALF-MAST…By 50, it’s full on UP.

By 60, both of those fingers are hoisted in a V…and not a single care is given any more.

Donna Ashworth from To the Women: words to live by

It’s a time of midlife reset.  Author and Sociologist researcher, Brene Brown sees the midlife years, our 40’s and 50’s, as a time of unravelling of our multiple identities. It is a time to examine who we are in each role and decide what no longer serves us. In doing this exploration we move closer to our true authentic nature. For many women the default of being nurturers and deferring to the needs of others is examined. The role of motherhood shrinks as our children become independent and initially a void may exist where we may feel our ‘reason for being’ is challenged.

Like many life stage changes it is unsettling. It’s a time of reinvention and transformation. Of our relationships and ourselves. Eventually the capacity to nurture can be widened. To our role as grandparents, daughters of elderly parents and wise women within our broader communities. The ability to nurture is central to supporting the generations that follow us.

There is also an importance of beginning to nurture ourselves more. Women at this stage of life can find themselves refocusing and prioritizing their personal needs. Beginning a self-love journey and getting reacquainted with the woman they currently are. In the busy decades previously there was much less time to turn the focus inward.

Prioritizing yourself may at first feel selfish. Let those feelings sit and be examined. Allow parts of the journey of rediscovery be a reflection of all you have accomplished in your life so far. Think about the qualities you have developed and experiences you have had along the way. What passions and interests you once had (perhaps in childhood or young adulthood) and those that you are ready to pursue now.

An Exercise to Explore

Author of ‘Making Sense of Menopause, Susan Willson, describes a beautiful exercise called String of Pearls. Often we recall a sequence of stories and memories from our lives that describe who we are today. I am smart, I am stubborn, I am fat, I am shy, I am a person who can get things done, I am reliable … etc.

Beginning in childhood look back as early as your memory allows. Then trace a particular self-belief along your life’s journey into adulthood until you reach present day. Like a string of pearls your internal beliefs about yourself have evolved over time. Threading pearls on the string, one by one. Imagine if an alternate belief had surfaced at any previous point in your life. What changes would that have made to how you view yourself now?

Reflect on your relationships with others. How will they become different? Have your expectations and boundaries changed? The empty nest is a pivotal time for resetting family dynamics. A time to expand relationships beyond the family unit and workplace. New connections will more likely occur based on your interests and passions. Days will be less scheduled as you leave paid work behind. Yet new activities can take on a new depth and meaning.

As Donna Ashworth’s poem concludes it calls women to be increasingly more authentic. To embrace the preciousness of our remaining years and live them well.

This is our time to be completely and totally who we are supposed to be all along.

The sooner you get there, the better.

Life waits for no woman.

I wish you well with your journey into the third stage of your life.

Continue your reading –

Midlife Reset

Four inner resources for Empty Nesters

The Irresistible Older Woman

April 2026
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