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Behind the Mask

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People wear masks for a variety of reasons. We can wear a mask in its physical form, as we are now encouraged to during the pandemic. We can also figuratively ‘wear a mask’ in presenting a false self to the world.  Masks come in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours, and materials. Their uses are varied. They keep us safe from the spread of the virus, to create a mystery to our real identity, to cover disfigurement or even as a cream applied to the skin to cleanse our faces.

Photo by Pille-Riin Priske on Unsplash

Currently in Australia, one of our capital cities has recently mandated mask wearing in public. Other states in the nation are waiting for the possibility of following suit. It has been six months today since the first positive case of Covid 19 in Australia. A journey of unprecedented change and unpredictability for our population

“Our face masks may hide our cheerful smiles, but not our determination to get on top of this”

Cameron-Hill and Yates Seminars (Melbourne, Australia)

The effect of wearing a mask

When we wear a mask either over our eyes or mouth, our face is partially covered. Our identity is slightly disguised and remains mysterious. The allure of a mask at a masquerade ball gives the enticement of a stranger, even though we may know the person’s identity behind the mask. In the current pandemic, community wearing of masks creates less allure and more a sense of social and emotional distance.

Facial expressions such as the crinkle of skin around our eyes when we smile or the movement of our lips as a grimace or surprise are hidden behind the veil of a mask. We are partially disguising both our identity and our emotional responses. Whether it is a cheerful smile, frustration at others who fail to take the pandemic seriously or sadness at the losses we grieve to our previous way of life, our emotions are partially hidden.

We use 43 facial muscles to create the expressions that mirror our emotions. If anxiety causes us to avoid eye contact with others, we may miss the covered subtle signs of not coping with this ‘new normal’ existence. Without seeing our whole face, our eyes become paramount indicators of our inner well-being.

Our voice can also be disguised as it becomes muffled under the fabric of a mask. We appear to mumble if we don’t speak loudly and clearly. It is also clasped firmly around our mouth making it more difficult to breathe and uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time.

Why do we choose to wear a mask?

In our world right now, the primary reason is for safety and protection. Although we have been receiving mixed messages around the effectiveness and necessity of wearing a mask in our daily lives, they are a vital armour for health care workers who deal firsthand with positive Covid 19 patients.

The conversation around mask effectiveness has focused on the concern they may give us a false sense of security and a complacency around our behaviour. Our other defenses of hand washing and physical distancing are meant to work in tandem with a mask.

Masking our true identity

It’s not necessary to wear a piece of cloth across our face to figuratively wear a ‘mask’. In this sense, it is living without showing our true identity or authentic self. We can all be capable of this type of behavioural response. Like a chameleon, showing different versions of ourselves in different settings. When we are out in the world in our jobs and relationships a false persona can emerge. It is not until we are safely at home in our secure, known environment that we can truly take the ‘mask’ off and be ourselves.

The mark of a good sense of self identity and worth is to behave authentically in the world. To be comfortable to show the person we are without covering the details. This requires both vulnerability and courage. Begin with those closest to you, those you can trust. In being completely ourselves, we allow others to feel safe enough to be themselves too.

Masks have become a vital accessory to our current Covid 19 journey. They have lessons to teach us about who we are and what we may hide from the world. Whether we are wearing a physical mask or our face is exposed, it is important to show our true nature with others. Only when we feel comfortable to come out from the behind the mask, sharing our thoughts and feelings, can we really connect with and support each other at this time.

Have you Failed to Speak Up in Life?

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Giving an opinion or voicing concern can feel scary. Many of us shy away from legitimately saying what we feel, desire, or believe about a particular situation. It is only when the opportunity has passed that we look back and wished we had spoken our truth or added our perspective to a particular conversation.

Photo by Robinson Recalde on Unsplash

Older women may have been raised to remain quiet and in the background. Voicing our views seen as dominance, loudness, behaving out of character or ‘unladylike’. From our childhood, we may have felt an unsaid expectation that our views held less weight than those of our fathers, brothers, and male friends. We impress with our demureness, gentleness, and femininity rather than with our boisterous behaviour. We sense the approval of others through acting appropriately and sensibly. Helping others feel at ease rather than allowing them to sit in discomfort.

Yet have these beliefs served us? Looking back on my own life I can see times when I kept the peace rather than voice something that was important to me. The consequences have allowed situations to remain toxic and unresolved over time. I stayed in friendships and relationships too long, disappointed that I did not speak up to change the dynamic or simply speak my truth and walk away. I held onto ideas that I could have shared in my workplace fearing they would be rejected or ridiculed. At times I stayed silent against injustices I could have advocated for. It is sad to think I could have made a difference in someone else’s life. If only I had found my voice.

Speaking up requires a degree of courage. An ability to respond with love rather than fear. When we speak up, we can show love for another or voice our own needs in a way that highlights the love and respect we have for ourselves. When we remain silent, it leaves the platform open for others to cross behavioural boundaries, dominate our decision making and leave us powerless. If we sit in unwilling fear, it is at the detriment of our own sense of self and worth.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

Neale Donald Walsch

The dynamic of a relationship may require us to find distance for ourselves for a while. To take the opportunity to work on our confidence and self-respect. To see our worthiness and ability to take up space physically and vocally in this world. To examine our need to ‘people please’- considering the needs/choices of others over our own, in order to be accepted. We may also need to develop the strength to accept that other’s may not like our opinion, particularly when they are not used to hearing it. Speaking confidently and respectfully is a skill of communicating with emotional intelligence.

Start with small ways to speak up. Courteously expressing an alternate opinion in conversation with others. Confidently voicing choices that resonate with your own desires or needs. As you practice, reflect on how you are increasingly speaking your truth. You may be surprised that others value your opinion rather than reject it. That they consider or ask for your unique ‘take on the world’.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. It takes confidence and courage to find our voice, particularly if we put the reactions of others before our own expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. The reward is in finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.

Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

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I have been fascinated by the idea of Emotional Intelligence for a long time. Daniel Goleman wrote his book on this subject twenty-five years ago and it has captured the attention of both the business and education world. The strategies of emotional intelligence also have application and relevance in our everyday lives.

When we think of communication and language the focus tends to be on the spoken word. The words we say to others are only part of the communication equation. We tell others more about our thoughts and feelings from the non-verbal communication that takes place. We speak in our silence. In the moments when it is too painful to get our words out or we fear how they will be received. We speak in our body language. ‘Saying’ I love you in a held hand or hug. Alternatively, in the avoidance of connection and acceptance by stepping away from another.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Our faces tell much about our emotional life. Different emotions produce different facial expressions. It is not always easy to decipher the meanings from how our faces contort without the words to help reinforce the message. Our bodies also show postures that are either opening and accepting or closed and rejecting. Our communication system is body wide.

It makes you wonder how children learn to communicate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. If you watch young children, they observe us intently, mentally grasping our words and gestures. They are internally processing language within the brain, understanding much more than they can say in the early years. Children are also amazing observers and mimics of our emotional state.

During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others.  Emotional Intelligence is a set of skills that can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Theodore Roosevelt

How can we cultivate Emotional Intelligence?

Self-Awareness: At any given moment we can tune into our own emotional state. It requires observing and questioning (applied mindfulness). Why am I feeling this way? How is it impacting my day and the people around me? Is there a purpose behind my behaviour? Without this observation we can be whirlwinds of emotion. Creating a pessimistic mood that impacts both ourselves and others.

Self – Management: Individually we are responsible for our emotional responses. Particularly in how we deal with the more disturbing emotions of anger, sorrow, and frustration. Two mindsets are helpful. They are adaptability and determination. The recent new reality of Covid 19 has seen substantial changes in our lives. Adapting to these changes and having the agility to switch direction in our thoughts and actions are valuable skills. We can face the challenges we are experiencing keeping in mind that life is always changing. What is occurring now, and who we are, can be different in a year or five years’ time.

Empathy – This is the ability to be able to tune into other people. Being fully present in a conversation, avoiding distractions. It requires making generous time for others and the ability to really listen before responding or giving advice. A helpful strategy is to reflect back what you have heard, to clarify for both the person talking and yourself that you understand what they have shared.

Relationship – How do we persuade, inspire, and motivate others? These are all heart skills where we help each other find common direction. It may begin with effectively managing conflict by finding ‘good enough’ solutions, so each person feels a sense of satisfaction moving forward. Conflict resolution is not an easy task and requires the ability to have difficult and honest conversations. We often feel highly anxious prior to this type of conversation. Goleman suggests focusing on the other person and formulating what we are going to say in a way that: –

  • Can be heard and understood by the person.
  • That will not trigger the person to shut down. Our aim is for them to be receptive to what we are saying.

Emotional Intelligence is a skill set that can develop throughout our lives. It enables us to enrich our understanding of our own emotional landscape. It also supports our ability to have deeper and more mindful relationships with others.  Start with a skill you feel good at. This will give you the motivation to persevere with other skills you wish to build.

We are the World

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We are not cut off from the world. Every interaction we have with others and they have with us adds bytes of information to our understanding of life. We form our beliefs and perceptions of the world through our most immediate contact with others. Whether it is the shop keeper who cheerfully greets us as they scan and pack our groceries, the driver who lets us in the traffic or the friend who listens to our story. Each interaction contains the possibility of renewing or destroying our faith in the basic goodness of our fellow human beings.

Author and theologian, Rev. Dr Stephanie Dowrick, suggests that we arrive on this earth with the intention of love rather than harm. As young children we are sensitive to our surroundings. We view ourselves as the central core, like the sun, as life revolves around us. Each interaction, whether with people or objects, gives feedback to support our life perception. We begin to internalize that we are safe and secure. We are nurtured and loved by others. We are taken care of.  We have an innate guidance system to getting these needs met.

Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash

We also begin to believe that life is predictable. When we signal to the world that we have a need – for nourishment, physical connection, or personal care, those around us respond. It is obvious when a baby is feeling contentment and their needs are met. Awake they are engaged, smiling and gurgling. If asleep, they are comfortable and content. We soon know if they need us by their cries of distress. Mother nature has served babies well with this form of non-verbal communication which we find difficult to ignore.

The emergence of the toddler is a testament to testing the predictability of this world. A child at this stage behaves in ways to honour their ‘separateness’ from others, realizing they can choose and control their actions. If parents can respond lovingly – fostering independence and decision making while keeping their child safe and secure, they can teach their toddlers a balanced emotional attitude of both autonomy and consideration of others.

The remaining primary emotional need is feeling a sense of significance. We yearn to be valued, recognised, and acknowledged by others. It forms the basis of our reason for existing. Young children crave the attention of others – talking constantly about what they are doing and showing us their play or creations. They love our company. How we respond to their attention seeking shows them the value we place on their existence in this world.

Each of these basic emotional needs – safety, control, and status; remain significant throughout our lives. When any of these needs are unmet, we find it difficult to thrive and flourish. The outcome is a sense of struggling to find our place in the world and experiencing increased mental health issues. The security, love, and acceptance we craved in childhood become our current priority.

When our world is challenging, as it is at the moment, it is important to ensure we can meet our own emotional needs. Our homes become safe havens for our well being and security. They are environments where we can maintain a sense of control over outside circumstances. Maintaining a job or income to sufficiently feed our families becomes paramount. Having some form of physical contact or connection with others who care about us supports our emotional wellness.

Yet there is a world outside our doors. Others in our neighbourhoods, communities and world who are struggling in an unsafe, unpredictable environment. When we remain in our secure, protective ‘bubbles’ we can fail to acknowledge and respond to the predicament of others. These are challenging times but also opportunities to reach out beyond ourselves. To be the world to other people.

Initially we can remain informed of the current situations in our communities. Consciously observing and listening to those around us. Just like children, adults show responses that indicate they are not coping. Anger and frustration may be hiding the more vulnerable emotional responses of fear and sadness. Adults are reluctant to cry as they would have as a baby, yet their basic emotional needs are continually looking to be met. When we acknowledge their experience and value them with our care we provide vital support.

We are the world to those around us. When we are observant of the needs of both ourselves and others, we support the collective physical and emotional well being of our communities. Throughout our lives, our basic emotional needs and experience of love are encountered through connection with others. The challenge in this time of isolation and distancing is maintaining that connection.

April 2026
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