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Have you Failed to Speak Up in Life?

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Giving an opinion or voicing concern can feel scary. Many of us shy away from legitimately saying what we feel, desire, or believe about a particular situation. It is only when the opportunity has passed that we look back and wished we had spoken our truth or added our perspective to a particular conversation.

Photo by Robinson Recalde on Unsplash

Older women may have been raised to remain quiet and in the background. Voicing our views seen as dominance, loudness, behaving out of character or ‘unladylike’. From our childhood, we may have felt an unsaid expectation that our views held less weight than those of our fathers, brothers, and male friends. We impress with our demureness, gentleness, and femininity rather than with our boisterous behaviour. We sense the approval of others through acting appropriately and sensibly. Helping others feel at ease rather than allowing them to sit in discomfort.

Yet have these beliefs served us? Looking back on my own life I can see times when I kept the peace rather than voice something that was important to me. The consequences have allowed situations to remain toxic and unresolved over time. I stayed in friendships and relationships too long, disappointed that I did not speak up to change the dynamic or simply speak my truth and walk away. I held onto ideas that I could have shared in my workplace fearing they would be rejected or ridiculed. At times I stayed silent against injustices I could have advocated for. It is sad to think I could have made a difference in someone else’s life. If only I had found my voice.

Speaking up requires a degree of courage. An ability to respond with love rather than fear. When we speak up, we can show love for another or voice our own needs in a way that highlights the love and respect we have for ourselves. When we remain silent, it leaves the platform open for others to cross behavioural boundaries, dominate our decision making and leave us powerless. If we sit in unwilling fear, it is at the detriment of our own sense of self and worth.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

Neale Donald Walsch

The dynamic of a relationship may require us to find distance for ourselves for a while. To take the opportunity to work on our confidence and self-respect. To see our worthiness and ability to take up space physically and vocally in this world. To examine our need to ‘people please’- considering the needs/choices of others over our own, in order to be accepted. We may also need to develop the strength to accept that other’s may not like our opinion, particularly when they are not used to hearing it. Speaking confidently and respectfully is a skill of communicating with emotional intelligence.

Start with small ways to speak up. Courteously expressing an alternate opinion in conversation with others. Confidently voicing choices that resonate with your own desires or needs. As you practice, reflect on how you are increasingly speaking your truth. You may be surprised that others value your opinion rather than reject it. That they consider or ask for your unique ‘take on the world’.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. It takes confidence and courage to find our voice, particularly if we put the reactions of others before our own expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. The reward is in finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.

Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

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I have been fascinated by the idea of Emotional Intelligence for a long time. Daniel Goleman wrote his book on this subject twenty-five years ago and it has captured the attention of both the business and education world. The strategies of emotional intelligence also have application and relevance in our everyday lives.

When we think of communication and language the focus tends to be on the spoken word. The words we say to others are only part of the communication equation. We tell others more about our thoughts and feelings from the non-verbal communication that takes place. We speak in our silence. In the moments when it is too painful to get our words out or we fear how they will be received. We speak in our body language. ‘Saying’ I love you in a held hand or hug. Alternatively, in the avoidance of connection and acceptance by stepping away from another.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Our faces tell much about our emotional life. Different emotions produce different facial expressions. It is not always easy to decipher the meanings from how our faces contort without the words to help reinforce the message. Our bodies also show postures that are either opening and accepting or closed and rejecting. Our communication system is body wide.

It makes you wonder how children learn to communicate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. If you watch young children, they observe us intently, mentally grasping our words and gestures. They are internally processing language within the brain, understanding much more than they can say in the early years. Children are also amazing observers and mimics of our emotional state.

During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others.  Emotional Intelligence is a set of skills that can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Theodore Roosevelt

How can we cultivate Emotional Intelligence?

Self-Awareness: At any given moment we can tune into our own emotional state. It requires observing and questioning (applied mindfulness). Why am I feeling this way? How is it impacting my day and the people around me? Is there a purpose behind my behaviour? Without this observation we can be whirlwinds of emotion. Creating a pessimistic mood that impacts both ourselves and others.

Self – Management: Individually we are responsible for our emotional responses. Particularly in how we deal with the more disturbing emotions of anger, sorrow, and frustration. Two mindsets are helpful. They are adaptability and determination. The recent new reality of Covid 19 has seen substantial changes in our lives. Adapting to these changes and having the agility to switch direction in our thoughts and actions are valuable skills. We can face the challenges we are experiencing keeping in mind that life is always changing. What is occurring now, and who we are, can be different in a year or five years’ time.

Empathy – This is the ability to be able to tune into other people. Being fully present in a conversation, avoiding distractions. It requires making generous time for others and the ability to really listen before responding or giving advice. A helpful strategy is to reflect back what you have heard, to clarify for both the person talking and yourself that you understand what they have shared.

Relationship – How do we persuade, inspire, and motivate others? These are all heart skills where we help each other find common direction. It may begin with effectively managing conflict by finding ‘good enough’ solutions, so each person feels a sense of satisfaction moving forward. Conflict resolution is not an easy task and requires the ability to have difficult and honest conversations. We often feel highly anxious prior to this type of conversation. Goleman suggests focusing on the other person and formulating what we are going to say in a way that: –

  • Can be heard and understood by the person.
  • That will not trigger the person to shut down. Our aim is for them to be receptive to what we are saying.

Emotional Intelligence is a skill set that can develop throughout our lives. It enables us to enrich our understanding of our own emotional landscape. It also supports our ability to have deeper and more mindful relationships with others.  Start with a skill you feel good at. This will give you the motivation to persevere with other skills you wish to build.

We are the World

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We are not cut off from the world. Every interaction we have with others and they have with us adds bytes of information to our understanding of life. We form our beliefs and perceptions of the world through our most immediate contact with others. Whether it is the shop keeper who cheerfully greets us as they scan and pack our groceries, the driver who lets us in the traffic or the friend who listens to our story. Each interaction contains the possibility of renewing or destroying our faith in the basic goodness of our fellow human beings.

Author and theologian, Rev. Dr Stephanie Dowrick, suggests that we arrive on this earth with the intention of love rather than harm. As young children we are sensitive to our surroundings. We view ourselves as the central core, like the sun, as life revolves around us. Each interaction, whether with people or objects, gives feedback to support our life perception. We begin to internalize that we are safe and secure. We are nurtured and loved by others. We are taken care of.  We have an innate guidance system to getting these needs met.

Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash

We also begin to believe that life is predictable. When we signal to the world that we have a need – for nourishment, physical connection, or personal care, those around us respond. It is obvious when a baby is feeling contentment and their needs are met. Awake they are engaged, smiling and gurgling. If asleep, they are comfortable and content. We soon know if they need us by their cries of distress. Mother nature has served babies well with this form of non-verbal communication which we find difficult to ignore.

The emergence of the toddler is a testament to testing the predictability of this world. A child at this stage behaves in ways to honour their ‘separateness’ from others, realizing they can choose and control their actions. If parents can respond lovingly – fostering independence and decision making while keeping their child safe and secure, they can teach their toddlers a balanced emotional attitude of both autonomy and consideration of others.

The remaining primary emotional need is feeling a sense of significance. We yearn to be valued, recognised, and acknowledged by others. It forms the basis of our reason for existing. Young children crave the attention of others – talking constantly about what they are doing and showing us their play or creations. They love our company. How we respond to their attention seeking shows them the value we place on their existence in this world.

Each of these basic emotional needs – safety, control, and status; remain significant throughout our lives. When any of these needs are unmet, we find it difficult to thrive and flourish. The outcome is a sense of struggling to find our place in the world and experiencing increased mental health issues. The security, love, and acceptance we craved in childhood become our current priority.

When our world is challenging, as it is at the moment, it is important to ensure we can meet our own emotional needs. Our homes become safe havens for our well being and security. They are environments where we can maintain a sense of control over outside circumstances. Maintaining a job or income to sufficiently feed our families becomes paramount. Having some form of physical contact or connection with others who care about us supports our emotional wellness.

Yet there is a world outside our doors. Others in our neighbourhoods, communities and world who are struggling in an unsafe, unpredictable environment. When we remain in our secure, protective ‘bubbles’ we can fail to acknowledge and respond to the predicament of others. These are challenging times but also opportunities to reach out beyond ourselves. To be the world to other people.

Initially we can remain informed of the current situations in our communities. Consciously observing and listening to those around us. Just like children, adults show responses that indicate they are not coping. Anger and frustration may be hiding the more vulnerable emotional responses of fear and sadness. Adults are reluctant to cry as they would have as a baby, yet their basic emotional needs are continually looking to be met. When we acknowledge their experience and value them with our care we provide vital support.

We are the world to those around us. When we are observant of the needs of both ourselves and others, we support the collective physical and emotional well being of our communities. Throughout our lives, our basic emotional needs and experience of love are encountered through connection with others. The challenge in this time of isolation and distancing is maintaining that connection.

The Power of Our Story

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Imagine you were able to hold the book of your own life in your hands. It has a unique cover that clearly depicts the colours, textures and words of your existence. The chapters within symbolize you and your life journey. The title of the book would represent why you are here. The pages within give the context for what you have come here to learn, create and share with others.

Each chapter is unique. It has its own title that encompasses a specific period or event in your life. Some of the chapters are filled with happy moments and others you would rather cross out sentences or tear out pages. If not, you would dearly love to rewrite them from a new perspective.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The story has paused just at this moment in time where you currently inhabit. The person you see in front of you has lived the chapters before and is a representation of the culmination of all those life experiences that are uniquely yours. The past has informed who you are, yet each day is the opportunity to write a new part of your story.

Our stories are carried in our bodies. They come to us from our earliest recollections as the processing of events in our lives. They are our perceptions of the world and come delicately attached with emotional energy and memory. Our earliest stories are often written within family, our first teachers. Beyond are the cultural and community influences that shape our view of the world.

Each time we retell the story of something that has happened in our lives it is delicately edited. Surprisingly as we tell some tales of life the emotional memory surges through in a deep well of love, hurt or grief that springs from our heart, or tears that drop from our eyes. At the time we may be surprised with the vividness of our emotional response. It does not seem to matter if the event was long ago, the emotions can vividly resurface.

On each telling the story transforms anew. Parts of our recall from the moment of experience remain, while other parts become embellishments of deeper understanding framed from our life experience. We may feel the need to retell the story many times to gain further clarity or to change our perception. When a story keeps us stuck in a moment in time, we need a prompt to search for alternate memories to balance our recall and strengthen resolve to move forward. If our story is part of a larger picture it needs the validation of others for this to happen. As we hold the collective stories of struggle, hurt and grief we give each other the opportunity to recalibrate earlier chapters of our life journey.

How wonderful it is to hear each other’s stories. There are benefits for both the speaker and listener. For the speaker it is an opportunity to take what is in their mind and body – our thoughts and feelings and process them aloud. It is also the opportunity to be validated and receive insights from others. For the listener, it is an opportunity to know the speaker beyond the surface of everyday conversation. We may get the chance to understand and appreciate their underlying perspective.

If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘What is his story, his real, inmost story? – for each of us is a biography, a story 


Oliver Sacks – The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

Words are powerful. When they remain within us as ruminating thoughts, they have the potential to harm us. The anxiety and depression that we feel often comes from the shame of not wanting to burden others with our inner world. Yet if we can break through the insecurities of shame, we may find that as we speak up, we are heard and understood. Even if our experience feels unique to us when we share it with others, we find they can often relate in some way. We each hold stories of love, loss and belonging.

There is something unique about telling our story. To speak our journey with each other is more powerful than reading the biographical words on a page. In the retelling of our life experience we continually re-frame who we are and why our lives matter. The stories of our lives remain lovingly imperfect. We ‘rewrite’ them each time we retell them. A beautiful opportunity to process our past and newly inform our future.

May 2025
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