Warning: A ‘Pity Party’ follows. ‘Pity Party’ – meaning an instance of feeling self-indulgently sorry for yourself.
I have an alternative universe going on in my head right now. One where I can freely move around to see my family and friends. I travel to wonderful destinations and enjoy lots of face to face time dancing, singing, creating and exercising. I can experience live events, visit galleries and museums and spend time in the presence of others and feel their energy. Then reality hits me with a ton of bricks. Life feels like it’s been turned upside down and try as I might, I am unable to correct it. I am craving a life that lives in my head, yet no longer exists.
I go about my day at home. Cleaning, cooking, washing clothes and putting them away. The monotony of the daily routine feels like groundhog day. At times I find things to keep me engaged with life – books, magazine articles, podcasts, blog writing, online conversations. They spark my interest, yet I still feel like I am living my life as a bubble inside my head.
‘The connection I yearn for is the face to face contact with people around me. Unmasked and healthy.’
Even when I do venture out into the community I feel like I am moving within my own energy bubble. Everyone is wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced from each other. Viewing others as potential candidates who may infect them. I personally feel less fearful now I am fully vaccinated. Yet I miss the smiles, the hellos to greet others, the opportunity for personal conversation. The quality of life we once enjoyed, and perhaps took for granted. In its place are the eyes and bodies of others looking increasingly lifeless and weary. Their spark of joy gone.
‘I am sure I am not the only one missing their life… A life filled with plans and expectations. Now feeling it slowly dwindle away without being fully lived.’
I know there is a need to persevere, to get through life as its possible to live at the moment. Yet I feel frustrated and emotionally drained. I have had enough of connecting with others online right now. Living life largely behind a screen. It feels unnatural. I have had enough of listening to the daily news, pandemic updates and commentary on our televisions and social media feeds. Is this what life has come to?
Where did life go?
I imagine that if I was still in the active years of parenting I would be busy. Connecting and caring for our children, home schooling along with the daily household chores. There would be more human beings in our household to interact with. I could say a similar thing about my previous working life as a teacher, although now I would be masked up and protected in my workplace. So different to what I remember.
I enjoy the company of children. They are simpler beings who come with less baggage and expectations. They are in love with life and eager to learn about it. Now it is it difficult to connect with either our own grandchildren or other children. There is the grim reality that they are unprotected from catching this virus.
I see them observing a rather strange life where the adults’ facial expressions are hidden behind masks and their voices muffled. I see us, as adults, making the same observations. Much more informed yet just as helpless to change the circumstances. People avoiding each other, spraying surfaces and disinfecting their hands, fearful of contamination by the contact of others. These are all tangible signs of human disconnection.
I see memories of places we have travelled. Tour companies and the travel industry keep enticing us with possible future offerings. Yet there is no certainty that in the future faraway places will be able to be explored.
One of the joys of travel is the people you meet along the way and the cultural experiences of being somewhere different. Now the highlight of the day is the drive to the supermarket or another essential retail outlet armed with our mask, phone and reusable bags. Thankfully we can also exercise outdoors within the current restrictions. Usually close to home in familiar territory.
‘I hope the world is still out there one day when we can venture further’.
I want my life back, or a similar version in the future. The way it is right now is only just bearable. Let’s all hope that this will only be a blimp on our life radar and better days are to come.