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Letting In Positive Experiences

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Have you ever found yourself distracted when something lovely is happening around you? A beautiful sunset, an awe inspiring night sky, a tender moment of connection or when you hear a beautiful piece of music, song or poem. Instead of pausing to really immerse yourself in the present moment, you find yourself elsewhere. In your own thoughts with your mind miles away. Then the moment passes.

Positive experiences aren’t as easy to recognize as something negative. When confronted with something frightening or upsetting it sounds the body’s alarm bells and you feel a visceral response. The senses are heightened and your sympathetic nervous system moves into a fight, flight or freeze response. In contrast, the arrival of a positive experience is softer, quieter and calmer. It can be easily missed in the bustle of life. It relies on you consciously stopping to experience and appreciate it fully.

The wonderful thing is, the more we practice being present with the positive things happening around us, the more we will naturally notice more examples. It has the potential to rewire how we perceive the world around us. Elevating our mood and increasing gratitude for the abundance we have.

‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.’

– Marianne Williamson.

Psychologist and author Dr Rick Hanson uses the acronym H.E.A.L as a process to help us really recognise and take these positive experiences in.

H = Have. The ability to notice something enjoyable and positive is happening. Recognising it’s presence. Making the time to pause and process what you are experiencing.

E = Enrich. Using your senses to fully take in the experience. Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. Creating more neural responses and pathways.

A = Absorb. Staying with the experience long enough to create emotional and physical memories in your body.

L = Link. Fitting the experience into the broader picture of your life. Appreciating that positive and negative experiences are part of being human. Learning to cherish with gratitude ‘glimmer’ moments when they occur. Those small moments that make us feel calm, connected, safe and at peace.

The next time you notice something positive happening, pause long enough to take it in. Think of these moments of personal processing as opportunities to recognise how full and abundant your life is. Your mind and body will thank you.

Making Decisions from the Heart

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Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’ve been faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to clear my mind and hopefully see things more objectively.

Yet I have recently come across another way at looking at the decisions we make. One based on tuning into the wisdom of our own body. It is described in the book ‘Wise Effort’ by psychologist Diana Hill PhD.

Take a moment to ponder the following question –

‘How many times have I said yes to something that my body said no to’.

If you are like most, if not all of us, the answer would be multiple times. Our body usually gives us clues to guide our decisions yet often we ignore them or even sometimes defiantly go against them. We feel the sensations in our gut, the heart wiggles, the held breath or the tight throat. Our thoughts turn to the ‘shoulds’ –  the expectations we have of ourselves or that we feel come from others. It becomes hard to separate ourselves enough to stand within our own decision making space.

Yet when you notice those signs of inner resistance it’s important to get curious about what is going on. Why are they there? Is it because you are stuck in a story that belongs in your past. One of guilt, shame or sense of obligation. Have you become comfortable with the status quo that’s always existed, so you hold tightly to the expectation of more of the same. Or is your reaction avoidance, where you ignore the situation all together rather than open up and honestly examinine your thoughts and feelings.

Dr Hill suggests taking a Body Audit to help us clarify our decision making. We can do that by asking ourselves the following four questions.

  1. Is it a drain or gain at the body level?
  2. Does it align with my core values?
  3. Is saying yes to this decision using my unique genius? (The right decision that will continue with ease and flow as it uses my innate gifts and talents.)
  4. Is this a drain or gain on others?

Imagine this common scenario: – You become a grandmother and your children are keen for you to be a regular carer for their child, your grandchild, while they are working. You have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, yet you also know how physically and emotionally demanding it can be to care for a small child for an extended period of time. You also know that you are not as young and energetic as you used to be. Yet you love your family and want to consider helping them in this way.

Taking a Body Audit

Energy and Commitment

It’s an important time to pause, centre yourself and give room to really consider this decision before saying yes. Go inward and imagine a day in the life of providing grandmother care. Is there a way that you can balance the joyful moments of connection with your grandchild with the sheer energy required. What is the reality likely to look like for you? What strategies can you put in place to plan and pace the day to reserve energy for your own body? Will you have another person there to share the load and provide physical support when needed? These are all valid questions to ask as you decide the level of your involvement.

What you Value

Think about your core values. You will want to embody them both at the time you make the decision and consistently afterwards. Perhaps you value service to your family, supporting them in this concrete way.

It may be helpful to take a wider view of your decision. Imagine in ten years time what the relationship with your family will look like. Can you see it as a close and connected one with your children and grandchildren. One that you will cherish and feel wonderful about. One that creates memories and will be remembered.

It’s also important to look at the wider picture of what brings you fulfilment and feeds your own passions. Does this decision sit comfortably alongside these priorities or are there potential conflicts that could arise?  Will your decision resonate well with all you envisage of your life?

Your Gifts and Talents

Think about what you can bring to this grandparent role. We are all unique. Some are more active, others creative. Some like to cook or garden. Others just love to sing, dance or play a musical instrument. It becomes important to place your own personality and those things you enjoy at the centre of how you see this role. This gives ease and flow to the time spent together.

The Impact on Others

Saying yes to a new obligation or challenge doesn’t just impact yourself. It also has a flow on effect to the lives of others. Knowing that a grandchild is in the care of a loving family member can certainly ease the stress of balancing life for our adult children. Also consider whether the ‘yes’ means that you may have to say ‘no’ to others. Whether that’s time with your partner or friends or other areas of service in the wider community.

Once you have looked at a potential decision through these questions you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Including taking into account your unique circumstances and the impact on both yourself and others. Dr Hill suggests that at least three of the four questions need an affirmative answer to give you the confidence to make a sound decision.

The use of a body audit when making decisions can be a valuable tool. The more you incorporate its four questions into any life choices you make, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your priorities. You’ll also become more curious about those inner signs that can guide your decision making process.

The body audit questions can also be a way to reassess a decision that has previously been made. Our life is continually changing and it’s important to remain flexible to examining whether previous decisions continue to be relevant to your current situation.

Finding Comfort in Solitude

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There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The first one can bring us peace and serenity. The second can make us feel uncomfortable, sad and disconnected from others. Each looks physically the same. We are in our own company. Yet it’s also true that we can feel lonely even when we are in a crowd of people or in an unhappy relationship.

It’s important to recognize which state you are in and reach out for connection and support when you are lonely. Even if you are usually a very outgoing and social person. Loneliness can feel strange and unsettling.

If instead, your moment of solitude gives you a sense of contentment acknowledge that too. Our world and schedules can be busy, so finding time for solitude is a gift to ourselves. A time to be creative, to rest or to observe the world around us more deeply.

Getty Images on Unsplash

It’s interesting that as we get older, we feel more attuned to the beautiful art of being alone. We are happier to sit in the awkward silences rather than feel the urge to fill them with activity and conversation. Our homes tend to feel more peaceful and become a space where we give ourselves permission to do what we wish, or relax and do nothing at all; without feeling a sense of guilt.

‘I enjoy my own company with a coffee, a good movie, and the freedom to just be. Solitude isn’t about being alone; it’s all about feeling fulfilled and at peace’.

Helen Mirren

The beautiful older women of our Healing the Matriarch Community have this to say about what solitude personally means to them:-

‘I think of solitude as a gift to myself, time to relax, read or watch a movie with no other agenda intruding on my thoughts’ – Ann

‘I prefer to have company around me. They stimulate me both mentally and physically. However I’m learning when I’m on my own to relax and use mindfulness to get me through’ – Patricia

‘I like to curl up with a book and forget about time and jobs to be done’ – Joye

‘Solitude helps me find my natural rhythm and choose activities I enjoy doing’ – Jan

‘I am comfortable with solitude. I enjoy alone time’ – Ruth

‘ Solitude is having the freedom to do or not do anything I feel like at the time’ – Jan

Often when we are surrounded by the busy rhythm of life it’s difficult to find space to be alone. To consciously seek stillness, peace and solitude. Life and technology can distract us and it can be uncomfortable at times to be with our own thoughts and experiences. For younger women, the endless multitasking of family and work life can at times feel overwhelming. Finding solitude feels elusive.

Perhaps that’s why we feel a deeper sense of happiness later in life. We are less likely to feel the months flying by on autopilot and can actually find opportunities for reflection and emotional healing. The more time devoted to solitude, the more opportunity we have to tap into our inner wisdom. Finding space to be mindful and in the present moment.  With practice, creating inner peace and contentment.

‘In stillness lives wisdom. In quiet you’ll find peace. In solitude you’ll remember yourself’

Robin Sharma

Time spent alone supports us in positive ways: –

  • You grow as a person by getting to know yourself. You remember the things you enjoy doing and consciously place them in your daily schedule.
  • You get the opportunity to recharge your body and relax. Moments of peace become possible.
  • You create a space to comfortably express and experience your emotions.
  • You become more resourceful and independent. Learning to rely on your own lens when you make decisions that are personally important.
  • You don’t feel the need to constantly keep others happy.
  • You stop seeking validation from others and increasingly source that from within yourself
  • You don’t feel you have to apologize for who you are, your choices and how you live your life.

As humans we are built for connection with others. Yet it’s also important for our well being to balance that with time spent alone. Solitude nourishes us, replenishes our energy and supports our own needs. It also builds our motivation to connect with others and be better placed to support them.

Is it Time to Let Go?

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I love the change of season to Autumn. It’s my favourite time of year. Where I live in Australia our climate is temperate so the days are slightly crisper yet the temperatures have not dropped too much. I look forward to opportunities to head further south to cooler climates and to witness the stunning natural colour change before the trees shed their leaves.

Autumn is a perfect time to think about letting go of what no longer serves you. It allows you to bring something new into your life. It may be around work or lack of purpose. Your health. Feeling a sense of loneliness and difficulty finding people to connect with who’ll support and understand you. It may be an attitude or self-belief that is impacting your confidence and contentment.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

How can you think differently about yourself or the situation that’s bothering you? What meaningful actions can you take to let go of the past? What can you control that will allow you to move forward?

“Summon all your strength to let go and start heading in a new direction because it’ll lead you closer to your true path”

Niki Banas (Walk the Earth)

Let’s identify a few things you may want to let go of.

Letting go of focusing on the past

The past can be a challenging place to move forward from. It’s a safe place that we know well. It’s become our sense of identity (even though we tend to strongly identify with the worst incidences of our past – trauma, grief, illness and betrayal). Unforgiveness and resentments are also hard ones for us to shift.

The past is the source of many of the stories we tell ourselves. If they are trauma based, they can become crutches to provide comfort and receive pity from others. Ultimately these stories become unhelpful and limit us moving forward.

The past is also a place we can no longer access. It has framed how we understand life, given us life lessons and helped create who we are, someone who is continually evolving. Although we may have regrets about our past actions or misgivings about decisions we previously made, it’s important to find a way forward and seek peace within ourselves.

There is a growing body of evidence that our mind and body are deeply interconnected. Experiencing PTSD, repressing anger, struggling to forgive and people pleasing sit alongside unhealthy physical factors in the development of chronic health conditions (Dr Rangan Chatterjee and Dr Gabor Mate are useful resources for further reading).

Please don’t blame your ‘past self’. The patterns you formed to keep safe and survive life’s difficulties may have come from your early life. Those responses can also form following particularly traumatic events you’ve lived through. None of us come through life unscathed.

The thing is to recognise the patterns of your behaviour and do the work to heal and move forward toward your own version of optimum health.

Letting go of worrying about the future

The other side of the coin is our concern about the future. Something that in reality is also outside our control. No matter how much worry and anxiety we infuse into our being, it will have little influence on what we will eventually experience.

When we are anxious about the future we can benefit from taking practical action in the present moment. That may look like fully accepting what is and having gratitude for what we currently have in our lives. To also recognize that we’ve been able to navigate through changes before in our lives and come out the other side. There is probably a toolkit of strategies we’ve learnt to help us move forward effectively.

Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ talks about developing a rugged flexibility around life. Building a strong sense of self that allows you to also be flexible to navigate life’s changes as they present themselves. It’s a type of moving renovation we make that takes into account each life transition from a solid base of understanding ourselves and life.

“We have a better chance of feeling and doing good if we set realistic expectations – including that things change all the time, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse”

Brad Stulberg

Bringing your focus to the present moment

The work of letting go happens in the moment you are living right now. Ekhart Tolle in his book ‘The Power of Now’ would say it’s the only moment that truly exists and that we can influence. The beauty of that is that we can use the knowledge and life lessons of past experiences but we are not bound by them. By consciously letting go it’s possible to imagine a different future.

So what can you let go of right now?

  • The need to be constantly busy and feel validated through being needed by others.
  • Suppressing your emotions rather than processing and expressing them.
  • Comparing yourself and your life to others (often in an unfavourable way).
  • Having limited beliefs of what is possible to achieve in your life.
  • The desire to endlessly acquire things.
  • Difficulty and discomfort receiving support from others.
  • Wishing life was different rather than appreciating the life you are actually living.
  • The need to know what is going on in the world, especially through social media. Many have a fear of missing out if they disconnect from technology.
  • Outdated ideas of what it means to be a woman and your place in the world. This can influence how you see yourself in your relationships, community and workplace.

As you read through the list, do any of these resonate as habits or attitudes you’d like to change? Just by recognizing they exist you are taking the first step of reflection which will enable you to look for ways to act or view things differently.

By examining what you need to let go of in life, you create space for something new. Something that is more aligned with the person you are becoming, rather than who you are now or who you have been. It’s a process that requires time to ponder the presence of behaviours and attitudes in your daily life. Noticing the impacts they have on yourself and those around you. Then it becomes possible to create and  implement small steps that move you forward.

April 2026
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