Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

You are here: Home / Archives for Life Satisfaction

Raising Children – The Role of Grandparents

by Leave a Comment

There are all types of Grandparents

There isn’t one mould for grandparenting. Some see their time with their grandchildren as an eagerly awaited privilege. They want to be hands-on, available and a huge part of their grandchildren’s lives. Others are still working or live geographically distant. Circumstances make regular contact difficult. There are also those who’ve retired and want to live their best life less focused on regular grandparent duties.

Some grandparents have fractured relationships with their adult children and grandchildren. They may be absent or uninterested in their lives. Conversely grandparents can be painfully estranged from their adult children and families. Each situation is a unique experience of the role.

In modern society working families with either one or two parents are increasingly dependent on grandparents being around to care for their children while they work. It has become a necessity as cost of living tightens day to day budgets and formal childcare places become both scarce and costly. This particularly impacts families with children under school age.

Whose job is it to raise the children of today?

There is a big difference between being part of our grandchildren’s lives and spending time with them versus being part of a permanent childcare arrangement.

Modern grandparents are often older. As adult children wait until into their thirties to start parenthood their own parents are aging. They are often close to or have reached retirement age and are progressing through their sixties. If they are younger grandparents they are likely to be working themselves. Formal childcare has found its place in a society where both parents work but its not a perfect or easily affordable model. We’ve come to rely on the people who are increasingly less able to do the task – grandparents.

Caring for young children for long periods of the day is hard work, both physically and emotionally. Particularly if that care is not shared with others, such as a partner or a team in an early childhood care setting. Young children under five have boundless energy, unless they are fast asleep.  They are busy people and naturally inquisitive about their world. In reality they eventually exhaust their own parents, let alone their grandparents. The multi-generational family unit or ‘village’ surrounding the child seems to be a model of the past, although it may be having a resurgence. That form may be the increase of multi-generational households, but it may also be creating a village connection between community elders and young families who are not biologically related.

Evolutionary psychology presents grandparenting, particular by the maternal grandmother, as having a positive impact on the extended family unit. That is wonderful if she desires the role and is available to do the job. For a variety of reasons that is less probable.

Parenting influences and practices have also changed quite dramatically. Grandma’s parenting was quite different from what young parents of today are experiencing. Parenting practices are embedded in a modern society that is fast paced, busy and technologically focused.

Collective advice on parenting is coming from a variety of sources, including online, but some with influence have neither the professional knowledge or extensive experience to inform others. It’s not uncommon for peers to be those information bearers rather than young parents seeking out the sounding boards of wisdom and experience.

Yet are children that different from previous generations? We know children love to play and it is their way to process and learn about their world. Young children are sensory beings so they gravitate to colours, textures, sounds and tastes that interest them. They thrive on connection and safe attachment, they have big emotions they need support with and their attention to tasks grows along with their maturity. The basics of  young children’s development has really remained the same.

Finding the ‘sweet spot’ for grandparenting

For the role to be rewarding most grandparents want to maintain a balance between their own needs and those of their family. That requires a level of choice rather than obligation which is something that is ideally discussed prior to a newborn’s arrival.  

“It should never be a given that the grandparents will be on call. They still have their own lives to live”

@The Childfree Corner

Things that can be discussed together are expectations that both the new parents and grandparents hold and how strict or flexible these are. This is a learning curve as everyone seeks to establish what is important to them. Healthy boundaries need discussion to ensure everyone is aware of their emerging role. Ultimately the responsibility for grandchildren belongs to our children rather than us as grandparents. Ours is a supportive role taking guidance from them. This can feel like a bit of a role reversal from the original relationship we had established.

It is important to recognise that grandparents are at the point in their own lives were they have spent years themselves juggling work and parenting responsibilities. Their job is essentially done. They now tend to turn the focus toward themselves again and desire more life flexibility and opportunities for down time. Many at this stage are keen to follow their previously shelved passions or interests. Some like to travel more or to volunteer their skills or expertise within their communities. It’s a new phase of life where caring for children plays a lesser part.

Finally, the value placed on caring for grandchildren needs acknowledgement. If it’s part of an ongoing obligation it is important to discuss if this is financially renumerated for the time spent caring in lieu of paying for formal childcare. If not, consider what other ways the relationship can be enhanced and supported within the family.

Whatever relationship and obligations occur between the generations its important to recognise the needs of everyone. At times priorities collide and it becomes important to communicate with each other, honour each others’ boundaries and maintain respect and value for support that is offered.  Grandparenting can be a delightful new role. It’s important to consider the intricacies and expectations that go along with it.

Letting In Positive Experiences

by

Have you ever found yourself distracted when something lovely is happening around you? A beautiful sunset, an awe inspiring night sky, a tender moment of connection or when you hear a beautiful piece of music, song or poem. Instead of pausing to really immerse yourself in the present moment, you find yourself elsewhere. In your own thoughts with your mind miles away. Then the moment passes.

Positive experiences aren’t as easy to recognize as something negative. When confronted with something frightening or upsetting it sounds the body’s alarm bells and you feel a visceral response. The senses are heightened and your sympathetic nervous system moves into a fight, flight or freeze response. In contrast, the arrival of a positive experience is softer, quieter and calmer. It can be easily missed in the bustle of life. It relies on you consciously stopping to experience and appreciate it fully.

The wonderful thing is, the more we practice being present with the positive things happening around us, the more we will naturally notice more examples. It has the potential to rewire how we perceive the world around us. Elevating our mood and increasing gratitude for the abundance we have.

‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.’

– Marianne Williamson.

Psychologist and author Dr Rick Hanson uses the acronym H.E.A.L as a process to help us really recognise and take these positive experiences in.

H = Have. The ability to notice something enjoyable and positive is happening. Recognising it’s presence. Making the time to pause and process what you are experiencing.

E = Enrich. Using your senses to fully take in the experience. Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. Creating more neural responses and pathways.

A = Absorb. Staying with the experience long enough to create emotional and physical memories in your body.

L = Link. Fitting the experience into the broader picture of your life. Appreciating that positive and negative experiences are part of being human. Learning to cherish with gratitude ‘glimmer’ moments when they occur. Those small moments that make us feel calm, connected, safe and at peace.

The next time you notice something positive happening, pause long enough to take it in. Think of these moments of personal processing as opportunities to recognise how full and abundant your life is. Your mind and body will thank you.

Making Decisions from the Heart

by

Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’ve been faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to clear my mind and hopefully see things more objectively.

Yet I have recently come across another way at looking at the decisions we make. One based on tuning into the wisdom of our own body. It is described in the book ‘Wise Effort’ by psychologist Diana Hill PhD.

Take a moment to ponder the following question –

‘How many times have I said yes to something that my body said no to’.

If you are like most, if not all of us, the answer would be multiple times. Our body usually gives us clues to guide our decisions yet often we ignore them or even sometimes defiantly go against them. We feel the sensations in our gut, the heart wiggles, the held breath or the tight throat. Our thoughts turn to the ‘shoulds’ –  the expectations we have of ourselves or that we feel come from others. It becomes hard to separate ourselves enough to stand within our own decision making space.

Yet when you notice those signs of inner resistance it’s important to get curious about what is going on. Why are they there? Is it because you are stuck in a story that belongs in your past. One of guilt, shame or sense of obligation. Have you become comfortable with the status quo that’s always existed, so you hold tightly to the expectation of more of the same. Or is your reaction avoidance, where you ignore the situation all together rather than open up and honestly examinine your thoughts and feelings.

Dr Hill suggests taking a Body Audit to help us clarify our decision making. We can do that by asking ourselves the following four questions.

  1. Is it a drain or gain at the body level?
  2. Does it align with my core values?
  3. Is saying yes to this decision using my unique genius? (The right decision that will continue with ease and flow as it uses my innate gifts and talents.)
  4. Is this a drain or gain on others?

Imagine this common scenario: – You become a grandmother and your children are keen for you to be a regular carer for their child, your grandchild, while they are working. You have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, yet you also know how physically and emotionally demanding it can be to care for a small child for an extended period of time. You also know that you are not as young and energetic as you used to be. Yet you love your family and want to consider helping them in this way.

Taking a Body Audit

Energy and Commitment

It’s an important time to pause, centre yourself and give room to really consider this decision before saying yes. Go inward and imagine a day in the life of providing grandmother care. Is there a way that you can balance the joyful moments of connection with your grandchild with the sheer energy required. What is the reality likely to look like for you? What strategies can you put in place to plan and pace the day to reserve energy for your own body? Will you have another person there to share the load and provide physical support when needed? These are all valid questions to ask as you decide the level of your involvement.

What you Value

Think about your core values. You will want to embody them both at the time you make the decision and consistently afterwards. Perhaps you value service to your family, supporting them in this concrete way.

It may be helpful to take a wider view of your decision. Imagine in ten years time what the relationship with your family will look like. Can you see it as a close and connected one with your children and grandchildren. One that you will cherish and feel wonderful about. One that creates memories and will be remembered.

It’s also important to look at the wider picture of what brings you fulfilment and feeds your own passions. Does this decision sit comfortably alongside these priorities or are there potential conflicts that could arise?  Will your decision resonate well with all you envisage of your life?

Your Gifts and Talents

Think about what you can bring to this grandparent role. We are all unique. Some are more active, others creative. Some like to cook or garden. Others just love to sing, dance or play a musical instrument. It becomes important to place your own personality and those things you enjoy at the centre of how you see this role. This gives ease and flow to the time spent together.

The Impact on Others

Saying yes to a new obligation or challenge doesn’t just impact yourself. It also has a flow on effect to the lives of others. Knowing that a grandchild is in the care of a loving family member can certainly ease the stress of balancing life for our adult children. Also consider whether the ‘yes’ means that you may have to say ‘no’ to others. Whether that’s time with your partner or friends or other areas of service in the wider community.

Once you have looked at a potential decision through these questions you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Including taking into account your unique circumstances and the impact on both yourself and others. Dr Hill suggests that at least three of the four questions need an affirmative answer to give you the confidence to make a sound decision.

The use of a body audit when making decisions can be a valuable tool. The more you incorporate its four questions into any life choices you make, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your priorities. You’ll also become more curious about those inner signs that can guide your decision making process.

The body audit questions can also be a way to reassess a decision that has previously been made. Our life is continually changing and it’s important to remain flexible to examining whether previous decisions continue to be relevant to your current situation.

Finding Comfort in Solitude

by

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The first one can bring us peace and serenity. The second can make us feel uncomfortable, sad and disconnected from others. Each looks physically the same. We are in our own company. Yet it’s also true that we can feel lonely even when we are in a crowd of people or in an unhappy relationship.

It’s important to recognize which state you are in and reach out for connection and support when you are lonely. Even if you are usually a very outgoing and social person. Loneliness can feel strange and unsettling.

If instead, your moment of solitude gives you a sense of contentment acknowledge that too. Our world and schedules can be busy, so finding time for solitude is a gift to ourselves. A time to be creative, to rest or to observe the world around us more deeply.

Getty Images on Unsplash

It’s interesting that as we get older, we feel more attuned to the beautiful art of being alone. We are happier to sit in the awkward silences rather than feel the urge to fill them with activity and conversation. Our homes tend to feel more peaceful and become a space where we give ourselves permission to do what we wish, or relax and do nothing at all; without feeling a sense of guilt.

‘I enjoy my own company with a coffee, a good movie, and the freedom to just be. Solitude isn’t about being alone; it’s all about feeling fulfilled and at peace’.

Helen Mirren

The beautiful older women of our Healing the Matriarch Community have this to say about what solitude personally means to them:-

‘I think of solitude as a gift to myself, time to relax, read or watch a movie with no other agenda intruding on my thoughts’ – Ann

‘I prefer to have company around me. They stimulate me both mentally and physically. However I’m learning when I’m on my own to relax and use mindfulness to get me through’ – Patricia

‘I like to curl up with a book and forget about time and jobs to be done’ – Joye

‘Solitude helps me find my natural rhythm and choose activities I enjoy doing’ – Jan

‘I am comfortable with solitude. I enjoy alone time’ – Ruth

‘ Solitude is having the freedom to do or not do anything I feel like at the time’ – Jan

Often when we are surrounded by the busy rhythm of life it’s difficult to find space to be alone. To consciously seek stillness, peace and solitude. Life and technology can distract us and it can be uncomfortable at times to be with our own thoughts and experiences. For younger women, the endless multitasking of family and work life can at times feel overwhelming. Finding solitude feels elusive.

Perhaps that’s why we feel a deeper sense of happiness later in life. We are less likely to feel the months flying by on autopilot and can actually find opportunities for reflection and emotional healing. The more time devoted to solitude, the more opportunity we have to tap into our inner wisdom. Finding space to be mindful and in the present moment.  With practice, creating inner peace and contentment.

‘In stillness lives wisdom. In quiet you’ll find peace. In solitude you’ll remember yourself’

Robin Sharma

Time spent alone supports us in positive ways: –

  • You grow as a person by getting to know yourself. You remember the things you enjoy doing and consciously place them in your daily schedule.
  • You get the opportunity to recharge your body and relax. Moments of peace become possible.
  • You create a space to comfortably express and experience your emotions.
  • You become more resourceful and independent. Learning to rely on your own lens when you make decisions that are personally important.
  • You don’t feel the need to constantly keep others happy.
  • You stop seeking validation from others and increasingly source that from within yourself
  • You don’t feel you have to apologize for who you are, your choices and how you live your life.

As humans we are built for connection with others. Yet it’s also important for our well being to balance that with time spent alone. Solitude nourishes us, replenishes our energy and supports our own needs. It also builds our motivation to connect with others and be better placed to support them.

September 2026
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930  

Archives

Blog Categories