What You Yearn For

Yearning is a powerful sensation. It incorporates what we long for, crave and desire in this lifetime. In many ways it limits us, as we don’t feel completely satisfied with where we are in any given moment. In other ways, it is a major motivator for striving for what we believe is truly important to us.

“Tell me what you yearn for and I will tell you who you are. We are what we reach for, the idealized image that drives our wanderings”

James Hillman

So what do you yearn for?

• Is it the sense of feeling safe and at peace with your relationships and surroundings?
• Is it longing for a sense of deep life satisfaction? The ability to be authentically yourself and to pursue those things that really matter to you.
• Is it feeling a sense of being loved and deeply connected to others.

These by-products of our basic needs – for safety, satisfaction and connection, are shared by a most of us. They make us feel a sense of calm and contentment. They make life worth living and give us purpose. When met, they soothe our mind and body.

We come into this world completely dependent on others to supply these basic needs. To feed, clothe, comfort and engage with us. Over time we acquire inner resources and recognize strategies to meet these needs for ourselves. Not in perfect ways, but in ways that we hope move us closer to our ‘idealized’ expectation of life. The gap between what we perceive as our current reality and our desires is where our yearning resides.

For women, midlife and menopause are opportunities to reassess their lives. It’s a natural transition where in a sense we are becoming different ‘beings’. Our hormones and bodies are changing. Our worldly priorities are also evolving. It almost feels like the cycle of caterpillar to butterfly where we transform the notion of who we are. A midlife reset.

It is not an easy one as we become increasingly aware of the reality of aging and our impermanence. Previously we could ignore the obvious signs in our busy lives. But sooner or later we are confronted with ourselves in the mirror. The ‘fork in the road’ moment of denial or acceptance of who we are. That doesn’t mean not striving for well-lived years ahead and maintaining our health and well-being. What it may mean though is adjusting to enjoying life in different ways. Mindful of balancing our energy and activity. Making sure we maintain good nutritional and sleep habits.

Midlife is also a time to take stock of what we believe about ourselves. Susan Willson in her book Making Sense of Menopause provides some wonderful wisdom and questions to ponder. She speaks of the analogy of a ‘string of pearls’ where each bead is a story we believe and talk to others about our lives. Often these particular stories of the past are repeated and become a solid part of our sense of identity. Yet what if we had chosen different past stories to focus and identify with? Perhaps we would also have a different sense of our current self. Her thought provoking questions about what has informed our ‘life story’ are insightful work.

I recently did her ‘string of pearls’ exercise and found many of the beliefs I had about my own life were either no longer relevant or previously could have been replaced with alternate views. While it wasn’t an easy exercise it did give me a wonderful awareness that I could, in a sense, refresh my life story. Knowing that gave me a beautiful sense of control of my current view of myself and my life. It also helped me to crystallise what was still important and purposeful looking ahead.

What we yearn for in life is where our emotional work is. To examine and if needed discard what is no longer relevant and know we can re-write beliefs we may have carried for a long time. We can string a new set of pearls to represent our life. Time is precious and knowing authentically who we are allows us to choose the path ahead with more assurance and certainty.