Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Closing Chapters and Opening Possibilities

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Five years ago a chapter closed on my life. I was at an impasse, unhappy with life and my place in it at the time. When I look back on that time I was coming up to a major birthday, often a prompt for personal reflection. I felt I was giving up on dreams I had for myself and feeling unsettled where I lived. It became the impetus for me making some major life decisions.

I began gravitating between two worlds. The one with my husband in a coastal city. The other with my children and their children living within the same country town. The kilometres between both places was vast. Yet I would regularly hop in my car and take the two day trip to see my family.

Eventually I was taking the journey more frequently and could see where I was most needed. Not with my husband in cosy, comfortable retirement. Instead I saw the increasing needs of my children’s growing families and craving the experience of hands on grand parenting.

The decision wasn’t easy but the logistics were. Just as a short term rental became available near our children, the renters in our investment property were moving on. As a result, a household of furniture found a new use. The heartbreak for me at the time was leaving my long term marriage and instigating a separation from my husband. It was difficult and uncomfortable. Yet my resolve remained. Within weeks I had organised the rental and my removal. The day loomed for me to physically move. Neither my husband nor I knew what outcome would emerge ahead. We only knew we desired very different things from life and the pain and angst of indecision had loomed heavily.

I look back on those next few years and feel a certainty about each of the decisions I made.

Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash

My journey of healing

I was instantly supported in my new location. By my two adult children and their families and by friends and new acquaintances who embraced me without asking too many questions. I also had a legal and accounting team who helped me sort through financial decisions. During the first six months of my move I became fitter and healthier. Freed of the mental angst of decision making my body naturally energized as I enjoyed doing things I loved. From spending time with my grandchildren to taking on dance and yoga classes. I felt a new lease on my life.

After the short term rental I moved into a more permanent rental situation for the following two years. I used this time to learn. Devouring online courses on healing, mindfulness and personal growth. Each time I would complete a course another equally relevant one would come into my awareness. I filled copious note books with ideas and learning. I met people online from around the world who were equally thirsting for new knowledge about life and living. During this time I also journeyed to India with a group of women from the local yoga studio. It was something definitely outside my comfort zone and helped me see my own capabilities and crystallized my personal direction.

The isolation of Covid gave me the opportunity to establish my blog. It’s title, ‘Healing the Matriarch’, seemed appropriate for the journey I was experiencing. All I had been through now had a purpose in informing others. Between blog posts I enjoyed caring for grandchildren and supporting their online learning while we ‘home-schooled’ through shutdowns. My skills as a teacher became useful. I also shared my personal journey at a local women’s conference.

Changes continued, including the process of our daughter and her family moving to a nearby city. Together we would share possible houses that fit their criteria of location and schools. As they considered various options I decided buying an apartment nearby would allow me a base to visit them. I also kept in the back of my mind that this may become my permanent home. I lovingly gathered furniture and goods for this new abode. I still had a financial stake in the home I had with my husband so I also knew I had to make a decision about our marriage. We had been together over forty years so it wasn’t one to take lightly.

The full circle with additional wisdom

While I had been taking this personal journey of discovery my husband was continuing to live his life independently. Alongside my own growth, he was exploring his own interests and pursuits. While we were separated we continued to communicate which each other. At first these conversations were tense and accusatory. For possibly the first time in our long marriage we were asserting our own needs and learning to advocate for them. Discussions that focused on past decisions we regretted, gave way to establishing a firm line to move forward together in a more conscious way.

I moved back into our home and for the first year or so there was an adjustment to the way we had both changed as individuals. Eventually we were able to find a comfortable enmeshing of our lives through more acceptance and better communication. We learnt to listen to each other rather than react and take things personally. It became easier to see ourselves both individually and as a couple. A mutual respect for each other’s wishes had grown.

The past in the ‘real sense’ does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretation

Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Kaga (The Courage to be Happy)

Moving Forward

Five years on, our marriage and life appear to have come a full circle. Yet the journey in between has been rich with learning and experience. We are not the same people we were back then. At the time trying to find our way into this stage of life. Faltering and at times feeling miserable and unsettled. The people we are now, both individually and as a couple, are wiser and more assured. I am sure we will still have hurdles to overcome in the future but we’re more equipped to handle them.

The major lesson I’ve learned from my experience is to have the courage to grow as an individual apart from others. As your world becomes less busy the focus can turn inward. It’s a time to rediscover who you are and allow that person to inform your identity in your relationships and life choices. Continue to be your own best advocate and friend. Make choices that really resonate with you and make a pact to enjoy your remaining years as fully as possible.

Random Encounters can Enrich our Lives

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A warm late summers day greeted us as our cruise ship glided into Noumea Harbour. We celebrated our good fortune as the previous cruise missed this beautiful South Pacific destination due to Cyclone Gabrielle. Yet here we were a week later able to experience this magical port of call. We disembarked and took the quaint open train ride called the Tchoo Tchoo through the city to the tourist coastal strip of Lemon Bay Beach “Baie des Citrons.”

After a coastal walk and changing into our bathers we were ready for a swim. The water was refreshing as we entered and while I swam along the calm waters of the bay my husband ventured further out to a pontoon. As I took breaks in my swim I could hear the beautiful sound of groups of French women in conversation as they exercised together in the water nearby. I’d learnt French at high school but now had little comprehension or fluency in the language.

The calm waters of Lemon Bay, Noumea New Caledonia.

After some time a lovely French woman in her late seventies spoke to me. A phrase which I understood was to acknowledge the beautiful weather. So I repeated it to her. She then continued a conversation in French before quickly realising I didn’t speak the language. Then an amazing thing happened. In her rudimentary English she began to speak again. ‘You are a good swimmer’ she said.

Slowly our conversation evolved and I found out she was a well-travelled woman who lived in the apartments nearby. She had spent time living in Sydney, Australia and had fond memories of her time there. Unfortunately, she has a husband who is now disabled so travelling was no longer an option for them as a couple. She apologised for her basic English but told me she enjoys reading in the language. She has also recently been learning Japanese. Our animated conversation continued as we floated in the water. It came to a natural conclusion as we both said goodbye and began swimming in opposite directions.

As I look back on that day this random encounter was one of the highlights. I enjoyed the conversation with this woman. While we spoke different languages we had commonalities in our lives. Touchpoints of shared experience and empathy.

It is the lives we encounter that make life worth living’

Guy de Maupassant (Writer 1850-1893)

Life often feels very ‘run of the mill’ with our usual routines and daily chores to frame it. Yet it is in the random moments of connection that we can truly enrich each other’s lives. Sharing our stories with each other. When we keep mindful of opportunities to strike up conversations with others, particularly when travelling, we can enhance our experience.

I don’t expect to see this lovely French woman again. Yet I hold the memories of our conversation within me. This chance encounter wasn’t planned yet it warmed my heart to have a conversation with a local in her everyday life.

Stay mindful to the possibility of conversations with others. When we are travelling we often have the luxury of slowing down the pace of our day to make way for the possibility of a chance encounter with a local. The key is to stay open to the same experience in our everyday life.

Women in Your 60’s Claim Victory.

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I’ve recently shared a wonderful poem by Donna Ashworth within my Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. It resonated with their lived experience and captured the changes women go through as they reach mid-life and navigate beyond.

It’s a victory poem of: –

  • overcoming previous adversity to gain a new sense of resilience.
  • Closing some chapters of life and embracing others.
  • Acquiring a new sense of our own personal priorities.
  • Developing a growing acceptance and regard of the woman we are, rather than one the world has expected of us. How we look, what we say and how we interact in our world.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

BY 40, OUR MIDDLE FINGER IS AT HALF-MAST…By 50, it’s full on UP.

By 60, both of those fingers are hoisted in a V…and not a single care is given any more.

Donna Ashworth from To the Women: words to live by

It’s a time of midlife reset.  Author and Sociologist researcher, Brene Brown sees the midlife years, our 40’s and 50’s, as a time of unravelling of our multiple identities. It is a time to examine who we are in each role and decide what no longer serves us. In doing this exploration we move closer to our true authentic nature. For many women the default of being nurturers and deferring to the needs of others is examined. The role of motherhood shrinks as our children become independent and initially a void may exist where we may feel our ‘reason for being’ is challenged.

Like many life stage changes it is unsettling. It’s a time of reinvention and transformation. Of our relationships and ourselves. Eventually the capacity to nurture can be widened. To our role as grandparents, daughters of elderly parents and wise women within our broader communities. The ability to nurture is central to supporting the generations that follow us.

There is also an importance of beginning to nurture ourselves more. Women at this stage of life can find themselves refocusing and prioritizing their personal needs. Beginning a self-love journey and getting reacquainted with the woman they currently are. In the busy decades previously there was much less time to turn the focus inward.

Prioritizing yourself may at first feel selfish. Let those feelings sit and be examined. Allow parts of the journey of rediscovery be a reflection of all you have accomplished in your life so far. Think about the qualities you have developed and experiences you have had along the way. What passions and interests you once had (perhaps in childhood or young adulthood) and those that you are ready to pursue now.

An Exercise to Explore

Author of ‘Making Sense of Menopause, Susan Willson, describes a beautiful exercise called String of Pearls. Often we recall a sequence of stories and memories from our lives that describe who we are today. I am smart, I am stubborn, I am fat, I am shy, I am a person who can get things done, I am reliable … etc.

Beginning in childhood look back as early as your memory allows. Then trace a particular self-belief along your life’s journey into adulthood until you reach present day. Like a string of pearls your internal beliefs about yourself have evolved over time. Threading pearls on the string, one by one. Imagine if an alternate belief had surfaced at any previous point in your life. What changes would that have made to how you view yourself now?

Reflect on your relationships with others. How will they become different? Have your expectations and boundaries changed? The empty nest is a pivotal time for resetting family dynamics. A time to expand relationships beyond the family unit and workplace. New connections will more likely occur based on your interests and passions. Days will be less scheduled as you leave paid work behind. Yet new activities can take on a new depth and meaning.

As Donna Ashworth’s poem concludes it calls women to be increasingly more authentic. To embrace the preciousness of our remaining years and live them well.

This is our time to be completely and totally who we are supposed to be all along.

The sooner you get there, the better.

Life waits for no woman.

I wish you well with your journey into the third stage of your life.

Continue your reading –

Midlife Reset

Four inner resources for Empty Nesters

The Irresistible Older Woman

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

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An early Summer morning and a chance to walk and talk with a group of women along the beach. A quiet circle as each woman introduces themselves and an Acknowledgement of Country is spoken to ground us in connection with the traditional owners of the land we meet on.

As the walk begins the women gather into groups of two or more heading south along the sand to our designated turning point. The painted wooden Kookaburra on a pole. This New Year is bringing new faces to the group. Women who have found the courage to join the regular Sunday gathering.

I join several conversations and a theme emerges. Quite a few of these women are in the throws of empty nesting. Their children about to leave for university or away from our community. Others I speak to are not quite at that stage and still parenting teenage children. Yet they see a time ahead when their days of active mothering will gradually come to an end.

Photo by Ankur Dutta on Unsplash

The years of bringing up our children go so quickly. During parenting we are in constant demand. Some of the women today feel that it is one of the most challenging and rewarding roles they’ve experienced. When we are immersed in it we have a definite identity and responsibility. From the moment we are handed our first child we are changed forever.

Yet there comes a time when our children become independent of us. Leading their own separate lives. Possibly creating their own families. It’s a time where rather than being a central character, we play a bit part in their lives. It’s a time of shedding that ‘mother’ role, stepping back from nurturing them as children and re-establishing our own identity. It feels uncomfortable and if not consciously thought about and prepared for it can be a shock to the system. It can feel like a grief process until we feel a sense of acceptance and contentment with life moving forward.

The biggest change for me as a mum was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first.

Kim Alexis

You are prepared

Life has equipped us for this transition. As we hand over our little ones to their teachers on the first day of kindergarten. Then watch them progress from primary to high school. There are strategies we have used to help both our children and ourselves embrace change and engage with it effectively. Communicating what the next step may look like. Visiting the new environment so it doesn’t feel so strange. Rehearsing the practical skills that will support them to independently navigate their way. Listening to concerns and together coming up with strategies to support them.

Each little transition that we’ve experienced with them helps us let go that bit more. Giving them confidence to mature and gain independence. We won’t be able to impart all the learning. There will be skills and life lessons to learn as they navigate young adulthood. Our role increasingly becomes one of support from a healthy distance.

It’s also important for us to prepare ourselves for this change. Begin to find connections and activities outside the realm of work and family. Not an easy task when lives are busy.

  • Perhaps find one thing you particularly enjoy and regularly fit it into your schedule.
  • Make increasing opportunity for ‘me time’ so you can nurture your own needs.
  • Have valuable family time, but particularly toward the later teenage years spend more time apart. Get a physical sense of them not being around before they move away.
  • Give yourself compassion when you feel saddened by the closing of this chapter. Begin to imagine the possibilities beyond parenting. The next stage of your own life.

Create a Ritual

Transitions call for ceremony. A time to reflect on the life phase that is ending for both your child and yourself. To honour the energy you have put into the role and to acknowledge the results of your years of mothering. Here are some possibilities.

  • You might write a letter to your child.
  • Have a specific dinner together to honour new beginnings. Share family memories and stories of their growing years.
  • Find a special gift to signify the love you share.
  • Take a holiday together.

Whatever you plan, use the ritual as a positive and affirming time. You’ll miss them yet be proud of who they have grown up to be.

There is life beyond

As with all transitions it will feel awkward and new. Just as it was at the beginning of motherhood, moving into a new home or starting at a new workplace. There is no rush. Once your children have empty nested you are entering a new phase of life. Reconnecting with the woman you are now. Reconnecting in your relationships with your partner and friends. Reconnecting with your purpose moving forward.

Its also a time to embrace new activities and connections. It has been a long time since you could focus on yourself. If you are working, it may be a time to take on more challenge or responsibility. You may want to do additional formal or informal learning. It can also be a time for creativity, travel and following your passions. A time to focus on your own self-care and physical well-being.

Over time a different relationship develops with our children. They may partner and have children of their own. The desire to be a grandparent can be strong but is a role that is best eased into and navigated sensitively and in a balanced way.

Be flexible in what you are willing to take on as your own life evolves. Its so easy to step back into nurturing forgetting how much energy is required to care for babies and young children. Avoid caring for grandchildren becoming an ongoing expectation or burden. Instead focus on the unique role and relationship you can create in their lives.

Empty nesting is the culmination of all our hard work as parents. It fits neatly into the flow of many ongoing transitions we make in life. Preparing for it, acknowledging it and planning for a life beyond are crucial for making this a smooth process.

More reading on this topic: –

Beyond the Nest

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

What I wish I knew about Parenthood

May 2025
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