Healing the Matriarch

I have recently come across a wonderful word, Liminality. It refers to the place neither here nor there in life’s journey. A place in between. It happens when we are moving beyond familiar life as we know it and not yet experiencing a comfortable new reality. Very much like the cycle that proceeds the emergence of the butterfly. The chrysalis stage within the cocoon can become totally messy as one creature, the caterpillar, dissolves to make way for the transformed butterfly. The chrysalis is neither caterpillar nor butterfly.

Photo by Bankim Desai on Unsplash

In Anthropology liminality, which in Latin means threshold, is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the midst of a rite of passage or emerging significant change. The person experiencing it is in the space of transition where they are shifting from their previous identity, time in their lives and often community of people around them.

That can happen for our children as they progress through their schooling. We often marvel at the totally dependent baby we gave birth to five years ago as they walk through the school gate for the first time. In no time, it’s the high school gate and the emergence of the teenager who seeks identity separate to their family and looks outwardly into the world for their role models.

As adults, it is something we feel regularly as we experience the significant changes of life – leaving school, studying for a profession, changes in our work, relationships and marriage, moving home, becoming and being parents, empty nesting and retirement. As we navigate adult life we are also aging and at times grieving the loss of loved ones. We eventually experience our physical decline and the larger questions around the legacy we will leave behind. Our lives refuse to stand still. Research has found that we will experience a significant change or disorder event approximately every eighteen months or so during our adult life. Something that fundamentally shifts our experience of both ourselves and the world around us.

Brad Stulberg in his book Master of Change talks about the change process being one of order, disorder, reorder. Following change we are not the same person as we were before. In this process life feels stable until we face a time of change or disorder. We get a sense that we are no longer who we were, or who we will be. We are in transition toward our new ‘normal’. We continually move forward and the process transforms us. Over time it impacts how we see ourselves, how others see us and how we view the world around us.

The liminality space is not an easy one to traverse. It’s personally at times daunting and uncomfortable. Those around us notice us changing and it unsettles them. They have a vested interest in us staying the same. The place in between also triggers our need for safety and sense of security. We might take steps forward only to later retreat back to what we know as familiar. This often happens when we want to change a habit or behaviour. Yet the transformation space can be an exciting one, particularly if what we’d like to bring into our life is something that we desire.

“Change tends to unsettle us. It often arrives uninvited, disrupting the comfort of our routine. We find ourselves struggling, treading water as we brave liminality; betwixt and beyond the known.”

Madison Taylor Breathe Magazine

If you find yourself in the liminality space, between the known and new, the following strategies can support your experience: –

Compassion –

When change occurs the first response is to pause. Being in the midst of change can cause our sympathetic nervous system to work overtime. Make space to breathe and get in touch with how this particular change is being felt in your body. What sensations can you feel? What emotions are present? Be specific in your observations and name your emotions as this is a powerful way to move forward. Once you are aware of how you are feeling use a Self-Compassion Break to soothe and acknowledge the humanness of your discomfort. You are not alone as others have experienced what you are experiencing. Give yourself support and nurturing as you would when comforting a child.

Acceptance –

Change is a fundamental part of life. By accepting rather than resisting change it becomes easier to use strategies and plans to move forward with ease. With acceptance it is possible to embrace a new stage of our lives. Seeing what is good and beneficial while also acknowledging its challenges.

Focus on Personal Growth –

The difficult times in life are often when we experience the most personal growth.  Stories in mythology recognize a pattern of stages now known as the hero or heroine’s journey. The individual moves from what is familiar to a personal call for adventure. They can resist it or move forward perhaps finding a mentor for guidance along the way. There are obstacles to overcome and allies and enemies to encounter. Eventually a point of no return is reached and action is required to replace the old life with the new. Each time we go through this process of the hero’s journey we inevitably learn more about ourselves.

Conscious Plans and Actions

We live with both conscious and subconscious desires of what we want from life. The process of manifestation supports us realizing those changes. Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest 7 Steps to Living Your Best Life believes the first steps to manifesting are in believing you are worthy of what you want to receive and having a decent amount of self-love. I really like her motto ‘fake it until you are it’ which translates into behaving as if what you want to manifest has already happened. It’s a call to action and behavioural change.

It’s also important to get very clear and detailed about what changes you wish to make in life. If it’s a new job – what, where, with whom and what does a typical day look like are questions to explore. You can also get detailed on a potential relationship partner or a new home you are looking for. Manifestation asks you to divert energy with purpose and trust in the universe. Creating a vision board can be a helpful process in honing those things you would like to bring into your life.

Connection   

Sharing life’s journey with those who can understand and empathise with you is wonderful. They may be people going through the same life stage or experience at the time. Those who have moved forward to the next life stage or resolution of a difficult experience can also be useful sources of support.

Rituals –

Liminality thrives on the use of ritual. Taking the time to consciously celebrate and honour the closing of a chapter and ushering in the next. It can be a small but personal acknowledgement of moving forward and beginning to embrace a new part of your life.

The more we navigate change in our lives the more experience we have to draw on. We have experienced the liminality space before, making it easier to develop a tool kit of strategies to support our change process. We know the sensations and emotions of transition. We can also use acceptance, compassion, personal growth through lived experience, manifestation, connection and rituals to guide our journey.

I recently attended a workshop led by a woman, for a group of women. As she progressed through her talk she paused briefly. Once she was composed she explained to the group that she had just experienced a hot flush. It subsided and she was able to continue her presentation. In that moment, it was wonderful to experience the public acknowledgement of something that previously would have been masked and silently endured.

At the end of the workshop, it was question time. A lady in the rear of the room rose from her chair and with animated speech assured others that one day menopause would be a memory and the glorious time of post menopause would emerge. There were nods of hope and recognition in the words she was saying. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel called post-menopause.

Gettys Images on Unsplash

Menopause is spoken more about now. Previously a misunderstood yet natural stage of women’s lives. Perimenopause proceeds it, as cycles become irregular signalling the latter years of reproduction. Menopause arrives as the cessation of monthly menstruation. It can also herald a range of symptoms that can impact a woman’s physical, mental and emotional well-being. Post Menopause is the time when the symptoms of menopause subside. Women at this time can experience a freedom perhaps akin to pre-puberty. Their bodies are definitely not pre-pubescent, but there is a sense of liberation from the reproductive hormones and menstrual cycle. For most of us that journey from puberty to menopause has been around four decades.

So many women I’ve talked to see menopause as an ending. But I’ve discovered this is your moment to reinvent yourself after years of focusing on the needs of everyone else.

Oprah Winfrey

I wonder if menopause is not unlike the process of labour as we delivered our babies. Seemingly feeling our bodies go out of our control as symptoms arise and fall, just like labour pains. Yet we are in a process of transformation. Extending this analogy, Perimenopause can feel somewhat like pregnancy. A time of preparation. Pregnancy as preparation for motherhood. Perimenopause as preparation to step away from our reproductive years. We know within our bodies things are different from before. It is a time that comes with its own awakening awareness, bodily symptoms and emotions.

For some women, the journey of being a woman is fairly straight forward. They have a reasonably easy time falling pregnant, a healthy and relatively symptom free pregnancy and straightforward labour and delivery of their baby. For others, being a woman is more challenging. Labour may be a prolonged and painful experience that thankfully subsides once their baby arrives. Some women breeze through the last of their reproductive years. For others perimenopause and menopause can be a challenge bringing on symptoms that at times can be debilitating and affect their daily lives. Each individual woman’s experience is unique.

Whether you are experiencing the birth process (pregnancy, labour and delivery) or the menopause process (perimenopause, menopause and post-menopause) remember to be kind to yourself. Reach for the support of others – those professionals in women’s health and those going through a similar time of life. Share what works for you. Help others understand your experience. Also know that you and your body will move forward into the next stage of your journey as a woman.

For the woman who has given birth it’s the beginning of a journey of unconditional love. It has its joys and its struggles. Changing your dynamic as a woman in all areas of your life. For the post-menopausal woman it can be a journey back to yourself. Shedding some of the responsibilities of life and having the flexibility to pursue what you enjoy. It’s a time of getting reacquainted with your identity and life experience with wisdom, acceptance and self-love.

Being a woman really needs to be a shared journey with other women. Witnessing each other’s highs and lows with active support and encouragement. It’s common for us to hear ‘It takes a village to raise a child’. Perhaps we can also add ‘It takes a village to raise a woman’. Having a tribe who will help her through each of the stages of her life.

So much of our personal identity rests on the question – Who am I? We begin exploring that question early in life. A baby explores their surroundings from infancy and uses the information gathered from their own enquiry and interactions with others to form a sense of themselves.

It’s fascinating to watch an infant’s interaction with their self-image in a mirror. Often they are quizzically checking a few times. Turning the mirror or walking behind it to see who is there. Making gestures or facial expressions that they notice are reflected back to them from this magical picture. Usually there is a moment of delighted recognition when they realize they are seeing themselves as a reflection. ‘This is me; I exist, these are features of who I am’ dawns on them. They become aware of a sense of themselves as separate to others. This is an important milestone in developing their independence and social awareness that they are part of a world that does not solely revolve around them. A sense that others can be in the mirror too, and they are also real people separate to me.

Photo by Shot By Ireland on Unsplash

As we develop from infancy to adulthood our self-image is refined by our environment. This includes our interactions with others and the experiences we have. It’s like an ever widening sphere of influence that works both ways. We interact and influence the world around us and in turn our world impacts our beliefs about who we are. Technology and social media have played a big role in widening the sphere of influence on us in the 21^st century.

Changes and disorder events in our lives are common. These transitional times of order, disorder then reordering to something new; often impact our sense of self. We build a strong sense of identity during teenage and young adulthood, creating our own unique style while also being influenced by our peers. This is then met at adulthood by the challenges of fitting into a work team of different personalities, negotiating intimate relationships and friendships and losing our strong hold on our identity in parenting. Fast forward to middle age and we begin to unravel the mastery we have in our careers as we leave our professions behind and detach from active parenting as our children empty nest. Our identity goes through further evolution.

Each of these changes can challenge our core sense of who we are. We’ve invested years, or even decades, in a particular way of viewing ourselves and that belief is then questioned big time. The outer work of building a career, possibly family, and place in the world starts to be replaced with a more inner journey of self-recognition.

Brad Stulberg in his book Master of Change likens this ego shift as one that moves from craving so much external validation from the world – through our work, family responsibilities and roles, to prioritizing internal meaning and fulfillment. Loevinger’s stages of ego development leaves some of the richest life lessons we experience until our later years – developing a deep empathy, self-acceptance and cherishing of the person we are. Not so much the one we’ve previously cultivated and projected into the world.

Which of these mindsets around self are you struggling with at present?

• Who am I if I begin to live in an intimate relationship with someone else – learning to navigate each other’s needs and priorities, sharing resources and spaces. Not always thinking of ourselves first. Also considering the other person. Knowing ourselves well enough to advocate for our needs and create healthy boundaries.
• Who am I if I become a mother or father – a shift that definitely changes our identity and life priorities. An emotional, lifelong and continually evolving journey. Beginning with the ultimate responsibility for a child who relies totally on us and to one who is greatly influenced by us during their development to adulthood.
• Who am I if I am no longer a son/daughter/wife/husband – produces a sense of loss of a part of us whether that person is still living or we are experiencing the grief of their loss in death.
• Who am I if I no longer work in my career – often bringing with it a mixed bag of both relief and emptiness of purpose. Our profession comes with a complex sense of identity and skillset so when we leave a job or career we leave that identity and the attached knowledge and relationships behind. This can leave a noticeable void in our lives.
• Who am I if I am no longer actively parenting – parenting is such an emotional and physical investment of our time and energy. As this phase of life draws to a close it’s difficult to unravel our energies from that of our children as they seek independence.
• Who am I if I am no longer young, energetic and beautiful – we can stumble at identifying with aging as it inevitably occurs. Dealing with limitations, physical changes and our sense of desirability to others. Coping and ultimately accepting physical decline and immortality.

Perhaps rather than limiting our enquiry to concerns about losing our identity, we can ask a more positive question. Who can I be if I am no longer …. Single, childless, a particular family role, working, an active parent or in the prime of my youth? With a more fluid sense of self we can be more complex in our viewpoint and response to these questions.

As a result, when changes happen in our lives we feel less threatened. One part of who we are may be loosening from our identity, yet there is opportunity to embrace or expand into something new. The core parts of ourselves remain central to who we are, yet we can use them as springboards for our next life chapter.

Even when we can no longer contribute to the wider world, we can continue to brighten other’s days. Several years ago I volunteered to visit an elderly woman in a high dependency aged care facility. Even though she had become bedridden due to aging and injury she continued to offer time and conversation to those who visited her room. She dispersed pearls of wisdom and encouragement. She displayed patience and gratitude. She shared stories and memories from her life.

Outwardly her identity seemed to have shrunk, yet she made valuable contributions to others. I saw her adjust over time to her frailty. It wasn’t easy for her to accept. Yet she continually reframed her sense of self until her final days. She was a wonderful inspiration and teacher on living life among her changing circumstances.

Life is a journey from infancy to hopefully living to old age. During that time our sense of self constantly shifts. We take on new identities and loosen our hold on others. With a complex and fluid sense of who we are it is possible to navigate life’s changes with courage rather than trepidation. Asking ourselves who we can be in our next transformation rather than limiting ourselves to mourning our past selves.