Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Making Life Decisions With Clarity

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Every week I have conversations with women who are making big decisions in their lives. Whether it’s about where they live and work. Around their relationships. Their health and well-being. Decisions that will impact their own future fulfillment and happiness.

At times the decision making occurs outside their control. A major health concern for themselves or a loved one, having a partner who no longer wishes to be in their marriage, a workplace environment that doesn’t satisfy or becomes unstable and job loss occurs. Change comes unexpectedly, yet somehow they need to find a way forward.

I listen to them and admire their bravery and courageousness. Stepping out from what they know as stable and comfortable to find their way forward. Overcoming fear of the unknown to make decisions that will inevitably change their lives. They do it because often the cost of inertia, deciding to do nothing, becomes too painful. It takes a toll on their mind, body and spirit.    

Photo by Izzy Park on Unsplash

Inner chaos.

With all types of change our mind can feel a level of stress and anxiety. This causes the amygdala within our brain’s limbic system to be activated. Its job is to keep us safe from immediate danger and we enter a state often referred to as ‘fight or flight’.  It can cause our thoughts to race; body reactions heighten and we go into autopilot emotionally. The stress response can also cause us to ‘freeze’. We feel numb, our mind goes blank and we are overcome with inertia.

All of these triggered responses make it difficult to function calmly and make sound decisions. Those functions belong in another part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. It is easy to lose contact with this area of the brain when life is challenging.

Turning Chaos into Calm

When we are triggered its important to realize we have a choice. We can move away from achieving calm and clarity by entering into a seemingly endless loop of ruminating thoughts and feelings. Often looking back over our past or toward the future as our reference point.

There is also an alternative choice to use that moment of being triggered to pause and practice mindfulness. Using the breathe as an anchor for our reactivity by noticing our immediate environment. Noticing the sights, sounds, tastes and smells. Focusing on details. Keeping ourselves firmly in the present moment.

The role of Intuition

As the mind calms, it becomes possible to tap into our intuition – that sense of feeling, of familiar patterns or relationships between what we know. This largely unconscious knowledge we access in our mind has crystallized from our previous experiences. We can then use mental shortcuts called heuristics to help us make quick and effective responses and decisions.

Often in conversations with others I hear them voice their own solutions. Deep down they know what is best for themselves. Their answers arrive when they are relaxed. Then it’s so much easier for them to access the desires of their heart. To consider the answers to questions such as ‘What matters right now?” “What type of person do I want to be?’

So often we seek external validation for these decisions. We listen to what others think is good for us. We focus on their opinions and preferences, even though the outcomes are going to have a huge impact on our own lives. We worry about making a decision that others won’t like or approve of.

It’s so important to learn to trust our own intuition. To prioritize our own opinions above those of others. Getting comfortable with making decisions that are important to us. After all, we are the ones that know ourselves and our particular life circumstances best.

Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest Dive Deeper provides some useful prompts to consider the next time you have a major decision to make: –

  • What are the choices being presented to me?
  • What do I personally feel is the best choice?
  • Is this choice authentic for me?
  • Does it match my hopes and dreams?
  • What is my reason for making this decision?
  • Do I approve of my own choice? (I may have to defend it to others)

Living by our Core Values

Values are our heart’s deepest desires of how we want to behave as a human being. There are literally hundreds of different values such as authenticity, connection, fairness, flexibility, persistence to choose from. Some particular core values we are drawn to, others are personally less important or relevant to us. We all have different preferences and there is no such thing as a ‘right value’ or a ‘wrong value’.

Tapping into the particular values that have personal meaning to us can help us anchor during life’s challenges and then navigate through change. For example, if authenticity is your core value you will tap deeply into your identity to decide the person you will present to the world through each stage of your life. Core values also help each of us live according to our unique purpose and inform the way we interact with the world.

Both Brene Brown (Dare to Lead) and Russ Harris (ACT Mindfully) have lists of Core Values to get you started on your exploration.

Taking Action with Curiosity

It’s not always easy to step into the action part of change. We can worry about the future and consequences of our decision making. I know because I made a major decision in my life around my 60th birthday.

I sat in inertia for months yet I also took time to observe and listen to the conversations around me. In those observations and discussions were the embedded answers I needed. I still remember the moment of making my decision. It felt such an immediate response that I needed to move closer to my children and grandchildren. It came as an unanticipated shock to the life coach I was working with at the time. One she tried to talk me out of, but I knew in my heart it was the right one for me. As I spent more and more time with my adult children and their families my decision was reinforced. I was needed and had a role in their lives.

I experienced life differently for a while and doors seemed to effortlessly open for me to take action. I rented a temporary home and had access to furniture. Supportive family and friends surrounded me. I found the time and space to reflect on my life and reset my direction.  This decision became the right one for me.   

When we feel overwhelmed, anxious or worried it’s difficult to think straight. It is only by pausing with mindful awareness that we can find a place of calm and clarity. From the space created we can tap into our intuition and core values to make effective decisions. Insights may come quickly or we may need to sit and ponder alternative pathways. Either way, the clarity achieved through calm will be our guide.

Choose What’s Important

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Words of wisdom appear where you least expect them. This lovely story of the Mayonnaise Jar was written on a paper placemat at a restaurant we visited in Barcelona, Spain. At the time we were inspired by its message taking a photo of the placemat before we ate. The image was tucked away in our numerous photos of the trip. It’s only recently that we were reacquainted with this gem of advice while going over our travel memories.

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is never enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. An empty mayonnaise jar represents potential. We can fill it with a variety of things of our choosing.  Several cups of coffee is a sign of warmth and connection.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life’. The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, friends and favourite passions. Things that if everything was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the only things that matter like your job, house and car. The sand is everything else – ‘the small stuff’.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first’ he continued ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls’. The same goes with life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you.

So…. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to have medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first. The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand’.

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the coffee represented. ‘It just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend’.

Nobody’s life is ever all balanced. It’s a conscious decision to choose your priorities every day.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When life just gets busy or even if you feel temporarily that you’ve lost your way, it’s easy to forget what’s most important. The small details of life add up making it hard to decipher where to place your focus.

When you find yourself overwhelmed by life, the story of the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee can remind you of where to place your priorities. From its wider and wiser perspective, the ‘small stuff’ can wait.

Grab a cup of coffee and spend time with your loved ones and friends. Make health a priority and care for your well-being in both mind and body. Follow your passions and essentially create the best version of yourself and your life.

5 Strategies to Risk the ‘Dreaded Experience’

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Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

  1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
  2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
  3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
  4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
  5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.

You did a Good Job as a Mother.

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For those of us who are mothers, we spend decades pouring a good portion of our lives into bringing up our children. As well as physical needs we cater for their psychological needs – nurturing, supporting, advising and teaching them about life. Loving them and quietly worrying on occasion as they take each step through their childhood and teenage years.

One day they are off. It happens so fast. We realize we’ve done a good job and raised amazing young adults who are forging their own way in the world. We’re proud of them and sit on the sidelines in admiration. Knowing that we’ve had a gentle influence on their upbringing.

Getty Images on Unsplash

But what about ourselves. After pouring our energy into mothering we now feel a bit obsolete. No longer needed. In one sense ‘retired’ from a role we’ve embraced and loved.

Now it’s time to refocus on our own life, dreams and priorities.

It feels awkward at first, yet over time we gain momentum. Our children see us flourish as an individual rather than in the role as their mother. They gain an appreciation of us as a person in our own right. Still with love and availability if they need it.

Motherhood rarely has accolades and monetary rewards. Yet we look back at the importance of our role. Our relationship with our children continues to evolve and change. No matter how old they are, we are still going to be their mum.

‘Your greatest contribution to the universe may not be something you do, but someone you raise.’

Unknown Source

Where are you on that journey and what has been your experience so far?

You might like to continue your reading here –

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

You can join the discussion further in our private Facebook group –

@Healing the Matriarch Community. You will be asked some questions before being admitted. It’s a space for inspiration, questions to ponder and connection.

April 2026
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