Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Your Best Life comes from your Comfort Zone

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Do you have a particular part of your home that you feel most at peace and content? It’s the place you gravitate to for relaxation or to create. Is it the kitchen where you love to cook? A favourite chair you like to read in or watch television? Is it outside in your garden?

Our physical home can very much be a representation of our comfort zone. Within our home we are able to be ourselves, relax and find a sense of contentment. It’s a place we decorate with our personal taste and focus on creating a sense of safety and comfort.

We venture out each day to the world beyond, yet it’s so nice to pull back into our driveway, open the door, kick off our shoes and unwind again.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

Our inner comfort zone is similar. Kirsten Butler in her book ‘The Comfort Zone’ describes it as a place where you can feel safe and can express yourself fully without judgement. It allows you to feel uplifted and good about yourself and your life. It’s a very personalized space where you can stay and remain strong, in your power during stressful times.

The lovely thing about our ‘inner’ comfort zone is we can take it with us when we venture out into the world. It’s our safe and nurturing space, our space of inner strength and calm as we go about our day.

When you are inside your comfort zone: –

  • The ‘fight and flight’ response is mostly inactive. This allows you to be in the ‘rest and digest’ mode where you feel at peace and safe. Your body can heal and recuperate.
  • Your heart rate quietens allowing your body organs to go into balance with your heart. A state that helps your organs function more efficiently. This makes the comfort zone really powerful. Its impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing allows you to become healthier and more creative.
  • As individuals we love to learn and experience new things. We like to continually stretch the limits of our abilities and experiences. In that expansion we also like to feel a sense of comfort. If we go too far out of our comfort zone, we lose the benefits of comfortably expanding our sense of self.

The Comfort Zone is a good place to live your life from.

First, you need to feel safe. 

It’s necessary for our survival and as soon as we step out from what’s comfortable for us, that feeling of safety is gone.

The two main elements of safety are creating healthy boundaries and self-care. Boundaries represent your outward-facing needs and preferences in relation to the world. Self-care refers to your inner nurturing. It’s important to strike a balance between the two.

  • Healthy boundaries require you to know what you want and need so you can communicate those desires to others. This is not easy when you are going through lots of change. Remember to pause, feel and name the emotions of your experience. When you feel calmer, ponder from a wider perspective what your current wants and needs may be. Take your time. Observe life around you and tune in to your intuition.
  • Healthy boundaries allow you to give respect to yourself and to ask for respect from others. It is also acknowledging the choices of others and respecting their boundaries. A valuable insight to take on board is that we cannot change others. We can only impact change within ourselves.
  • Self-care requires us to tune into our physical body to maintain its optimum health. It’s also important to be aware of our mental thoughts and beliefs, our emotional state and our connection with the non-physical or spiritual part of ourselves.

Once you feel a sense of safety it’s easier to express who you are.

Self-expression is the different ways you share yourself and your preferences with the world. It helps others know who you are and how to treat you. It helps your ‘tribe’ find you. Those people who enjoy your company and want to spend time with you.

Your self-image plays a big role in your self-expression. It can be positive and empowering, giving you confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem. It can also be negative and disempowering, filling you with self-doubt and uncertainty.

If you are not consciously building up how you see yourself then you will tend to mirror how others see you instead. The good news is you can refine and adjust your self-image at any time. You can appreciate your qualities and feel more comfortable with who you are.

Your self-image also informs your choices and actions. Having a good sense of self lets you be more authentic and express your true nature. In the clothes you wear, the activities you choose and the people you surround yourself with. You can create a life that fits more closely with who you are.

All of this can occur within what is comfortable for you but it’s also true that you can venture outside your comfort zone and explore knowing it’s possible to return to the familiar. Just like you venture out from your physical home each day.

We are always building up a picture of who we are. Let yours be a kind, generous and grateful one.

Enjoying your life from your Comfort Zone

Do you know people that live simply and also feel their life is blessed? Perhaps you are one of those people. The opposite can also be true. The person continually striving for more, without feeling satisfied with what they have.

When you feel safe, comfortable in your own skin and can express yourself authentically it’s easier to enjoy your life wherever you are.

Enjoying your current life attracts more possibilities into your life. Bringing new people, events, opportunities, relationships and moments for you to enjoy. That’s the magic of manifesting.

This is why gratitude and having a positive outlook on life is such a powerful practice.

Expanding from your Comfort Zone

Who we are changes from moment to moment, day to day, year to year. In fact, physically on a cellular level we replenish completely over seven to ten years. We become a completely different person. That also goes for our outward experience of the world. We are a decade older and the life experiences we’ve had mature us into a different version of ourselves.

Really knowing our wants and needs and living authentically with gratitude for our current life is a wonderful start for expanding into desires and dreams we’d love to achieve.

We don’t quite know how those dreams will unfold. You’re not supposed to know the how. It’s impossible to map your whole path at the beginning of a journey. That journey is part of your life experience.

Instead focus on the what and the why. Identify those desires and why they are so personally important to you. Life rarely goes exactly as planned so trust in yourself and the unknown to help things unfold. Just focusing on the next step is enough.

The comfort zone is a wonderful place from which to live. It’s familiarity allows us to be who we are and its always a place we can return to, just like our physical home when we need to. The comfort zone can also be our springboard for the new. We can step out and experiment with different versions of ourselves and our lives. Kristen Butler describes it as intentionally expanding our sense of self. In time that expanded self is our new familiar and we can venture into new terrain and dream again.

Making Life Decisions With Clarity

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Every week I have conversations with women who are making big decisions in their lives. Whether it’s about where they live and work. Around their relationships. Their health and well-being. Decisions that will impact their own future fulfillment and happiness.

At times the decision making occurs outside their control. A major health concern for themselves or a loved one, having a partner who no longer wishes to be in their marriage, a workplace environment that doesn’t satisfy or becomes unstable and job loss occurs. Change comes unexpectedly, yet somehow they need to find a way forward.

I listen to them and admire their bravery and courageousness. Stepping out from what they know as stable and comfortable to find their way forward. Overcoming fear of the unknown to make decisions that will inevitably change their lives. They do it because often the cost of inertia, deciding to do nothing, becomes too painful. It takes a toll on their mind, body and spirit.    

Photo by Izzy Park on Unsplash

Inner chaos.

With all types of change our mind can feel a level of stress and anxiety. This causes the amygdala within our brain’s limbic system to be activated. Its job is to keep us safe from immediate danger and we enter a state often referred to as ‘fight or flight’.  It can cause our thoughts to race; body reactions heighten and we go into autopilot emotionally. The stress response can also cause us to ‘freeze’. We feel numb, our mind goes blank and we are overcome with inertia.

All of these triggered responses make it difficult to function calmly and make sound decisions. Those functions belong in another part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. It is easy to lose contact with this area of the brain when life is challenging.

Turning Chaos into Calm

When we are triggered its important to realize we have a choice. We can move away from achieving calm and clarity by entering into a seemingly endless loop of ruminating thoughts and feelings. Often looking back over our past or toward the future as our reference point.

There is also an alternative choice to use that moment of being triggered to pause and practice mindfulness. Using the breathe as an anchor for our reactivity by noticing our immediate environment. Noticing the sights, sounds, tastes and smells. Focusing on details. Keeping ourselves firmly in the present moment.

The role of Intuition

As the mind calms, it becomes possible to tap into our intuition – that sense of feeling, of familiar patterns or relationships between what we know. This largely unconscious knowledge we access in our mind has crystallized from our previous experiences. We can then use mental shortcuts called heuristics to help us make quick and effective responses and decisions.

Often in conversations with others I hear them voice their own solutions. Deep down they know what is best for themselves. Their answers arrive when they are relaxed. Then it’s so much easier for them to access the desires of their heart. To consider the answers to questions such as ‘What matters right now?” “What type of person do I want to be?’

So often we seek external validation for these decisions. We listen to what others think is good for us. We focus on their opinions and preferences, even though the outcomes are going to have a huge impact on our own lives. We worry about making a decision that others won’t like or approve of.

It’s so important to learn to trust our own intuition. To prioritize our own opinions above those of others. Getting comfortable with making decisions that are important to us. After all, we are the ones that know ourselves and our particular life circumstances best.

Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest Dive Deeper provides some useful prompts to consider the next time you have a major decision to make: –

  • What are the choices being presented to me?
  • What do I personally feel is the best choice?
  • Is this choice authentic for me?
  • Does it match my hopes and dreams?
  • What is my reason for making this decision?
  • Do I approve of my own choice? (I may have to defend it to others)

Living by our Core Values

Values are our heart’s deepest desires of how we want to behave as a human being. There are literally hundreds of different values such as authenticity, connection, fairness, flexibility, persistence to choose from. Some particular core values we are drawn to, others are personally less important or relevant to us. We all have different preferences and there is no such thing as a ‘right value’ or a ‘wrong value’.

Tapping into the particular values that have personal meaning to us can help us anchor during life’s challenges and then navigate through change. For example, if authenticity is your core value you will tap deeply into your identity to decide the person you will present to the world through each stage of your life. Core values also help each of us live according to our unique purpose and inform the way we interact with the world.

Both Brene Brown (Dare to Lead) and Russ Harris (ACT Mindfully) have lists of Core Values to get you started on your exploration.

Taking Action with Curiosity

It’s not always easy to step into the action part of change. We can worry about the future and consequences of our decision making. I know because I made a major decision in my life around my 60th birthday.

I sat in inertia for months yet I also took time to observe and listen to the conversations around me. In those observations and discussions were the embedded answers I needed. I still remember the moment of making my decision. It felt such an immediate response that I needed to move closer to my children and grandchildren. It came as an unanticipated shock to the life coach I was working with at the time. One she tried to talk me out of, but I knew in my heart it was the right one for me. As I spent more and more time with my adult children and their families my decision was reinforced. I was needed and had a role in their lives.

I experienced life differently for a while and doors seemed to effortlessly open for me to take action. I rented a temporary home and had access to furniture. Supportive family and friends surrounded me. I found the time and space to reflect on my life and reset my direction.  This decision became the right one for me.   

When we feel overwhelmed, anxious or worried it’s difficult to think straight. It is only by pausing with mindful awareness that we can find a place of calm and clarity. From the space created we can tap into our intuition and core values to make effective decisions. Insights may come quickly or we may need to sit and ponder alternative pathways. Either way, the clarity achieved through calm will be our guide.

Choose What’s Important

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Words of wisdom appear where you least expect them. This lovely story of the Mayonnaise Jar was written on a paper placemat at a restaurant we visited in Barcelona, Spain. At the time we were inspired by its message taking a photo of the placemat before we ate. The image was tucked away in our numerous photos of the trip. It’s only recently that we were reacquainted with this gem of advice while going over our travel memories.

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is never enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. An empty mayonnaise jar represents potential. We can fill it with a variety of things of our choosing.  Several cups of coffee is a sign of warmth and connection.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life’. The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, friends and favourite passions. Things that if everything was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the only things that matter like your job, house and car. The sand is everything else – ‘the small stuff’.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first’ he continued ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls’. The same goes with life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you.

So…. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to have medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first. The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand’.

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the coffee represented. ‘It just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend’.

Nobody’s life is ever all balanced. It’s a conscious decision to choose your priorities every day.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When life just gets busy or even if you feel temporarily that you’ve lost your way, it’s easy to forget what’s most important. The small details of life add up making it hard to decipher where to place your focus.

When you find yourself overwhelmed by life, the story of the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee can remind you of where to place your priorities. From its wider and wiser perspective, the ‘small stuff’ can wait.

Grab a cup of coffee and spend time with your loved ones and friends. Make health a priority and care for your well-being in both mind and body. Follow your passions and essentially create the best version of yourself and your life.

5 Strategies to Risk the ‘Dreaded Experience’

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Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

  1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
  2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
  3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
  4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
  5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.

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