Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Choose What’s Important

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Words of wisdom appear where you least expect them. This lovely story of the Mayonnaise Jar was written on a paper placemat at a restaurant we visited in Barcelona, Spain. At the time we were inspired by its message taking a photo of the placemat before we ate. The image was tucked away in our numerous photos of the trip. It’s only recently that we were reacquainted with this gem of advice while going over our travel memories.

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is never enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. An empty mayonnaise jar represents potential. We can fill it with a variety of things of our choosing.  Several cups of coffee is a sign of warmth and connection.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life’. The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, friends and favourite passions. Things that if everything was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the only things that matter like your job, house and car. The sand is everything else – ‘the small stuff’.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first’ he continued ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls’. The same goes with life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you.

So…. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to have medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first. The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand’.

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the coffee represented. ‘It just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend’.

Nobody’s life is ever all balanced. It’s a conscious decision to choose your priorities every day.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When life just gets busy or even if you feel temporarily that you’ve lost your way, it’s easy to forget what’s most important. The small details of life add up making it hard to decipher where to place your focus.

When you find yourself overwhelmed by life, the story of the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee can remind you of where to place your priorities. From its wider and wiser perspective, the ‘small stuff’ can wait.

Grab a cup of coffee and spend time with your loved ones and friends. Make health a priority and care for your well-being in both mind and body. Follow your passions and essentially create the best version of yourself and your life.

5 Strategies to Risk the ‘Dreaded Experience’

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Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

  1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
  2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
  3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
  4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
  5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.

You did a Good Job as a Mother.

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For those of us who are mothers, we spend decades pouring a good portion of our lives into bringing up our children. As well as physical needs we cater for their psychological needs – nurturing, supporting, advising and teaching them about life. Loving them and quietly worrying on occasion as they take each step through their childhood and teenage years.

One day they are off. It happens so fast. We realize we’ve done a good job and raised amazing young adults who are forging their own way in the world. We’re proud of them and sit on the sidelines in admiration. Knowing that we’ve had a gentle influence on their upbringing.

Getty Images on Unsplash

But what about ourselves. After pouring our energy into mothering we now feel a bit obsolete. No longer needed. In one sense ‘retired’ from a role we’ve embraced and loved.

Now it’s time to refocus on our own life, dreams and priorities.

It feels awkward at first, yet over time we gain momentum. Our children see us flourish as an individual rather than in the role as their mother. They gain an appreciation of us as a person in our own right. Still with love and availability if they need it.

Motherhood rarely has accolades and monetary rewards. Yet we look back at the importance of our role. Our relationship with our children continues to evolve and change. No matter how old they are, we are still going to be their mum.

‘Your greatest contribution to the universe may not be something you do, but someone you raise.’

Unknown Source

Where are you on that journey and what has been your experience so far?

You might like to continue your reading here –

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

You can join the discussion further in our private Facebook group –

@Healing the Matriarch Community. You will be asked some questions before being admitted. It’s a space for inspiration, questions to ponder and connection.

What Do I Need Right Now

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At any given point in our lives we can find ourselves asking the question – What Do I Need Right Now? The answer to that question changes over time. What we really needed in our childhood and adolescence can be vastly different to our needs as adults, parents and then as we age. Even from day to day, what we need in any given moment can change depending on our energy level, mood and surroundings.

When we are aware of and acknowledge our own needs we come closer to activating the motivation to address them. This is not always easy in our busy and challenging lives. Often women put the needs of others before their own and attach their life purpose, self -worth and value to helping others. Whether its their children, partners, friends, family or co-workers.

Yes, it’s good to be kind and loving to others, but that kindness also needs to be turned inward toward ourselves in a balanced way. Otherwise, we end up feeling burnout and resentful. It’s important that we include ourselves in our circle of compassion and need provision.

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Recognising our Needs

So what are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.

Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.

Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.

The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.

If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.

Competing Needs with those of Others

There are times in our lives when the needs of others take priority over our own. This is obvious when we bring a newborn into our family or a loved one is struggling with illness. In parenting we can get lost in the endless tasks of maintaining a home and family while often also having ongoing work commitments. In later years it can be the competing interests and desires of couples who want to make the most of the precious years they have left to live.

When our own needs go unmet or have a lower priority than others it impacts our wellbeing. One of the first principles of self-compassion is to acknowledge that our own needs matter, that we need to take them seriously and value ourselves enough to ensure we meet them.

It may require some soul searching and really asking ourselves the question – What do I need?  This can be done on a regular basis to ensure we are caring for ourselves, particularly at times of change and challenge in our lives.

‘If we’re kind to ourselves, we’ll do what it takes to be happy. We’ll ask what meaningfully contributes to our well-being and then take proactive steps to make it happen.’

Kristen Neff. PhD
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Advocating for our own Needs

Being a woman in the 21st century has numerous challenges. It seems almost impossible to combine the multiple roles we take on. The self-imposed aim for perfectionism in everything we do has to instead give way to allowing ourselves to feel ‘good enough’ in what we achieve. We also need to create healthy boundaries around what we do and don’t do in our daily lives. Asking what truly matters to us and prioritizing that. Feeling comfortable enough to disappoint those around us when we decline invitations or requests from others that require us to take on more than we can handle at the time.

It’s also important to enlist others to support us more. We can have deeper conversations with our partners around traditional gender and cultural stereotyping of roles and responsibilities.  Our children will also rise to the occasion if our expectations of them are higher.

Nate and Kaley Klemp in their book ‘The 80/80 Marriage’ examine a new model for happier and stronger relationships. Beyond both the traditional gender roles in partnerships and the more recent aim for 50/50 shared responsibility they look to a more equitable and sustaining model.

Their five essential habits of an 80/80 partnership

  • Creating space for connection
  • Doing a radically generous act for your partner each day and paying close attention to your partner’s acts of contribution and appreciating them for their work.
  • Revealing issues, misunderstandings and resentments as they arise.
  • Building structures together to handle the logistics of life more skilfully. Sharing the load of household and family responsibilities.
  • Creating space away from digital distractions. Discussing expectations around device use.

‘Before looking something up or checking your phone, ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to know this, right now? You may be surprised to find the answer is generally no.’

Nate and Kaley Klemp

Identifying and advocating for what we need is an act of self-compassion and crucial for our well being. When life overwhelms us it can be an opportunity to pause from what we are doing and ask the simple question – What do I need right now?

Listen intuitively for the answer as it may take a while to surface. Then take the time to honour your needs in that moment. It may require a small tweak in your routine or reflection on more significant changes to your habits, boundaries or priorities.

May 2025
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