Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Tuesdays By Design

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During the years you were parenting and working, Tuesdays had a steady flow of obligations. Time refused to stand still. Once you reach the years of empty nesting and retirement there is more opportunity to design how you experience your life on a day to day basis.

Bec Wilson who wrote the book ‘How to have an Epic Retirement’ has recently posed the question – What does a good day in retirement look like for you? It’s an inspiring question that gets to the heart of what this stage of life is all about.

Lots of planning and preparation in retirement focuses on the long term vision. How much in savings we need in our superannuation accounts, the places we wish to travel, the ‘right’ sized home to live in as we age and how we deal with our health. While these are all important considerations its in the ‘small stuff’ of day to day retirement that truly matters.

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Each day presents us with the freedom to design it based on our interests and needs. Yet even though we have fewer work and family obligations, as humans, we still crave a sense of purpose, structure and connection with others. We’ve experienced that structure as workers and parents. Monday to Friday had its place as a work and school week with particular expectations and priorities. Weekends revolved around family, sport and jobs around the home.

In retirement we are not bound by what day of the week it is unless there is an activity or event we need to place on our calendar. We have choice around the obligations we accept. The lawn gets mowed when we have time, the housework fits in when it suits. One of the first things you might notice when you retire is a sudden forgetfulness of what day of the week it is. They all flow effortlessly into each other.

“Retirement isn’t a holiday. It’s a new kind of Tuesday. The better we get at designing those, the better this whole phase of life turns out to be”

Bec Wilson

If you are already retired from work you are experiencing this new kind of Tuesday. Take an opportunity to think about its structure. Do you have regular activities you enjoy or perhaps a special outing planned? What’s on your agenda for this coming Tuesday?

In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently posed this question. I also extended it to retirees I come across during the activities I enjoy in the week. Let me tell you they are a busy and active bunch. Tuesday for some is about doing an exercise they love – Zumba, Aqua Zumba, Yoga, Gardening, Walking … These opportunities often include an element of fun and connection. Coffee afterwards is a common addition. Tuesdays freed from obligation may also lead to special plans such as a day trip, bike ride or lunch gathering. Some retirees may spend their Tuesdays with grandchildren or elderly parents. Others are busy volunteering and supporting their communities.

If you are not yet retired from work, its useful to spend time daydreaming about what each day might look like. This allows you to prepare well and implement your newly designed week more effortlessly.

Bec Wilson suggests pondering the following questions in designing your days.

  • What time do you wake up?
  • What is your morning routine?
  • Who do you spend the day with?
  • When do you feel most energised?
  • What does rest look like?
  • What is one small joy that would make your day complete?

If you get to retirement and feel somewhat lost you are not alone. You are navigating a new phase of life, plenty of changes and that can feel unsettling. I remember days early in my own retirement where I would dread the boredom and monotony of what felt like a very long day. My husband was still working, so his hours were fully occupied during the day working from home. I needed to feel my own way and find a sense of purpose for this life stage. It involved going back to university and post graduate studies, planning trips and later extended time with my children and grandchildren. I needed to remember the things I enjoyed doing such as dance and yoga and make them a regularly scheduled commitment in my diary.

More recently it has been my love of writing and supporting the mental health and well being of both myself and other women that drives my purpose. I feel a sense of value and contribution in sharing what I’ve learnt along the way. It’s also allowed me to be the most authentic version of myself, something that brings me contentment and happiness.

Sometimes its easier to focus on the big picture of retirement. Yet it’s in designing each and every day to truly reflect who you are that allows you to experience the most satisfaction at this stage of life. There is definitely wonderful inspiration and good role models of living and aging well around us. We can be inspired by what they are doing. We can also hand pick the unique design features of our own new kind of Tuesday (or any other day of the week for that matter).

A Symbol of Commitment

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My husband and I have been married for over forty years. Our wedding took place close to sunset in a small country town church. We were both in our early twenties and had been together for nearly two years. Common sporting pursuits sparked our interest in each other and we quickly developed a close bond.

It was a difficult early courtship as my mother was in the last stages of her journey with bowel cancer. Her death several months after we met thrust us into a quick trajectory between our first meeting, engagement and then preparing to marry. It was exciting to plan our wedding day. Choosing the church, reception venue, bridal party, invitations and guest list. It was not until my wedding day that it really sank in for me that this was the first of many significant events in my life that I would experience without my mum by my side.

Photo by Stacie Ong on Unsplash

I distinctly remember as I dressed ready for the ceremony that a group of my family matriarchs converged around our kitchen table. Drinking, eating and chatting together. Aunts from both my mother’s and father’s side. I imagine they knew the void that would exist for both myself, my dad and my sister on my wedding day without her presence. Photos were taken, wedding rings exchanged, vows spoken and our married life commenced.

Although the beginning of our relationship was quite unique, I imagine it echoes the stories of all who marry. The wedding rings fit on young slender fingers and the vows are made to commit to a life together and the possibility of raising children as a family unit.

For those in long term marriages, we know that the wedding day heralds only the entry point, the first chapter of life together as a couple. The people we are on that day will continually change. Slowly blending our life experience as a unit and also coming from our own unique personality and perspectives.

Things will be brought up in conversation, often expectations we hold of each other which were formed from our childhood family experiences. Conflicts of interest will emerge. Boundaries will be crossed. Disagreements about how things should be done will occasionally surface. The one thing that sticks is the commitment to each other that was made on our wedding day and the rings we exchanged.

‘Your marriage vows are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep’

– Dave Willis

Life gets busier and it becomes difficult to keep each other a priority. Children, household duties and work responsibilities fill our schedules. The rings stay on as a reminder, until one day they are taken off. At first, its an excuse that they get in the way. They become a safety issue. Our fingers swell or knuckles enlarge making them harder to wear comfortably. Once we become used to their absence on our finger there is a psychological freedom that emerges. The symbol of marriage and commitment to each other is no longer a constant visual reminder.

Until it’s absence is. We see each other’s naked wedding ring finger and wonder what that symbolizes. Do we still love each other? Are we still exclusively committed to each other? What does it say about the ongoing state of our marriage.

Changes in our own lives often mirror the way we feel about our marriage. The early days of marriage we sense an assuredness that we are loved and chosen. As each stage of our life emerges new challenges arise. It is often at the crucial stages of our adult life – when children arrive, when children empty the nest, when we face health challenges and aging of our parents and ourselves that the real tests of our commitment to each other occur.

There is an upward trend in separation and divorce of couples in their 50’s. It’s usually a time when commitments reduce, the pace of life slows and spouses examine their life as both individuals and as part of a couple. Active motherhood and careers taper off and plans for retirement begin to form. Important decisions about whether to ‘right size’ for the next phase of life surface. Each change challenges our stability.

It’s a critical point in a marriage. For us it became a two year separation. Interestingly enough about the same length as our courtship. What we wanted out of life was too different to accommodate each other’s needs. It was difficult, yet in hindsight essential to what happened next for us as a couple. The possibility of reuniting as changed individuals. Both happier, both finding our individual purpose and ready to move forward together again.

Recently I looked at those wedding rings. The ones that no longer fit me. Symbols of the constriction I had felt at the time we separated. I began to look at how to embody the new stage of our marriage with a physical remodelling of the rings. On a recent trip I purchased a pearl that would be it’s centre piece. Two diamonds from the eternity ring were to remain in the design. The gold was melted and reshaped from each ring and combined into a new wedding band to house the design.

This new ring, which embodies elements and stories from our life together, symbolizes our recommitment to each other. To continue our marriage together, now with a stronger partnership and closer connection to our children and grandchildren.

As I look at young couples preparing for marriage I wonder if they have a sense of what is in store for them. To understand what it’s like to take wedding vows and to implement them in a practical way in their marriage. To exchange rings as symbols of their bond and love. To make a life commitment to each other.

With this ring, I am much older and wiser than the young version of myself when she married. This refashioned ring is a symbol of my life together with my husband, all that we have shared, the heartaches we have experienced and the ways we have supported each other. It is also a strong symbol of who I am as a woman and the personal life journey I have been on.

Five Practices for the Present Moment

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The present moment is the only one that we truly exist in and can influence. Author and spiritual teacher Ekhart Tolle believes it’s one that we should grasp consciously with our awareness. To recognise life’s fragility and to focus on those things that are most important.

In this blog, I am introducing five practices that can anchor us in the present moment.

1. Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality. We may not like how our life is turning out, yet once we come to a place of acceptance we are in the position to make changes and move forward. Alternatively, if our response is to struggle and reject reality, believing ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me’ and life is unfair, our emotional distress is heightened.

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be” Sonia Ricotti.

Accepting the Past

When hurtful memories take hold they do so like a dog chewing a bone. Ruminating thoughts and emotions can create constant mind chatter.

At times when I have replayed the past I was confronted with the ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could I have done differently’. I kept second guessing my previous decisions and saw times where I may have possibly behaved differently or changed the trajectory of my life. I blamed myself for things that went wrong. Regret and shame are cruel mistresses.

To quieten my thoughts I used mindfulness, restorative yoga, and writing. Each practice took me out of my headspace and into my body and awareness. A soothing relief for the mind and a way to process emotional distress. I learnt to observe my thoughts and emotions rather than invest in them.

We all hold scars from our past. It is unhelpful to replay the scenarios over and over when we can’t change the story. The first part of radical acceptance is acknowledging the circumstances of the past. Appreciating that each element of past events has made us the person we are right now. We have a choice then of how we continue the story.

Surrendering to the present

The current moment is one of surrender. Acknowledging this is who I am and this is my life – the second act of radical acceptance. With it comes the ability to have gratitude and appreciation for the things that are in our life and determine the next step.

It requires us to give into an act of self-love that encompasses everything about who we are. To create healthy, compassionate boundaries and to step back from people pleasing habits that have become detrimental. These habits form in childhood when we discover that saying ‘yes’ to doing things for others earnt us praise. Patterns which are hard to break and we take them into our adult relationships, parenting style and workplaces. Even if our constant giving and putting others first causes us to feel a sense of resentment or overburden.

Having faith in the future

The final act of radical acceptance is the belief we can influence our future. The ability to manifest characteristics and circumstances that bring us joy. What an amazing thing it is to say – ‘I like the person I am and who I am becoming’. Having the ability to surround ourselves with nurturing relationships, experiences, and contributions we want to make. Each one reflecting the uniqueness of our personalities.

2. Gratitude

No matter what our current circumstances, gratitude is a powerful tool for our well-being. Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret, guilt and what is missing in our life. It focuses awareness on positive things that actually do exist. Simple facts such as having enough water to drink, the laughter of children, the kindness of others and the delightful smells and tastes from a nourishing meal… (and so much more).

Studies show that cultivating a simple gratitude practice has lasting and important benefits including lifting our mood, increasing life satisfaction and building our resilience to the inevitable challenges of life.

Sometimes we want to wait until we are in a better frame of mind before using a gratitude practice in our life. Yet it’s when life is the most challenging that being thankful for all the small things that are good can help us reframe our perspective.

I personally used a 52 Weeks of Gratitude journal during one of the most difficult years of my life, 2020. I was separated from my husband and not sure of my next step. Each week I filled it out and now it’s an important reminder of my journey to reflect back on.

This trusty journal kept me grounded and eventually helped me to be in the right space to make sound decisions about my life direction.

Questions that the journal prompted: –

  • What I did to take care of myself that week.
  • What made me happy.
  • Important lessons I learnt.
  • Goals I had for the next week.
  • People I am thankful for.
  • What challenged me during the week.
  • Something kind I did for another.

And of course, a list of four things I was particularly grateful for that week.

I encourage you, especially if you are going through a challenging time in life, to try the practice of gratitude. It’s a powerful and positive step to ground you to what’s important in your life.

3. Finding Calm

If you imagine your mind as a snow globe, it can often feel agitated and busy. In this state, the snow globe particles, representing your thoughts, are being vigorously shaken and the globe is unclear and murky.

By giving attention to the state of your mind through slowing down and focusing on your breath or body sensations, all the particles can begin to settle. Gradually your mind feels calmer and clearer. You start to respond rather than react to the world around you.

It’s in that space of calmness and clarity that you’ve created the conditions to allow happiness in. It may be in the form of feeling a sense of inner peace or contentment. It mays also include a feeling of bittersweetness. A broader emotional response that contains both a sense of longing and sorrow alongside feeling joy and appreciation of life.

4. Practicing Mindfulness

‘Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally’ – Jon Kabat-Zinn.

I love this definition of mindfulness. It reminds us of the need to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We all know of times when our thoughts wander away from the ‘now’ to something we have experienced in the past or concerns we may have about the future.

We find ourselves unconsciously reinforcing and embellishing the story we tell. Mindfulness helps us to notice these inner thoughts without judging them right or wrong. Instead, we can gently bring our focus back to the present moment.

It’s also noticing body sensations, gut responses and emotions and labelling them. (This is actually the first part of giving ourselves self-compassion). Acknowledging the ‘ouch’ we feel when responding to life and the icky feeling that arises inside us. What are these bodily responses trying to tell us? Mindfulness is the deliberate practice. A skill or habit we can continually work on.

One of the ways to find present awareness is through meditation. If you have ever done sitting meditation, particularly in the beginning, it’s difficult to sit in the traditional posture. You know the one. Sitting upright, legs crossed, and eyes closed. It’s hard to maintain that posture for any length of time as in modern life we tend to sit in soft lounge chairs rather than crossed legged on the floor. It’s also tricky to have our eyes closed without drifting off to sleep or have them open and not get distracted by what’s happening around us.

In reality, the best posture for meditation is the one that allows you to be both relaxed and alert for an increased length of time. It may be sitting legs crossed or even with both legs straight out in front. You might use cushions to support parts of the body. You may need to alternate between having your eyes open and closed.

Meditation takes practice. Like any new habit it comes easy at first, but resistance tends to set in over time. As you persist a desire to include a meditation practice in your day gradually becomes second nature. Something you look forward to. Something you don’t want to miss.

5. Recognising your Needs

What are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.

Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.

Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.

The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.

If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.

Is it Time to Let Go?

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I love the change of season to Autumn. It’s my favourite time of year. Where I live in Australia our climate is temperate so the days are slightly crisper yet the temperatures have not dropped too much. I look forward to opportunities to head further south to cooler climates and to witness the stunning natural colour change before the trees shed their leaves.

Autumn is a perfect time to think about letting go of what no longer serves you. It allows you to bring something new into your life. It may be around work or lack of purpose. Your health. Feeling a sense of loneliness and difficulty finding people to connect with who’ll support and understand you. It may be an attitude or self-belief that is impacting your confidence and contentment.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

How can you think differently about yourself or the situation that’s bothering you? What meaningful actions can you take to let go of the past? What can you control that will allow you to move forward?

“Summon all your strength to let go and start heading in a new direction because it’ll lead you closer to your true path”

Niki Banas (Walk the Earth)

Let’s identify a few things you may want to let go of.

Letting go of focusing on the past

The past can be a challenging place to move forward from. It’s a safe place that we know well. It’s become our sense of identity (even though we tend to strongly identify with the worst incidences of our past – trauma, grief, illness and betrayal). Unforgiveness and resentments are also hard ones for us to shift.

The past is the source of many of the stories we tell ourselves. If they are trauma based, they can become crutches to provide comfort and receive pity from others. Ultimately these stories become unhelpful and limit us moving forward.

The past is also a place we can no longer access. It has framed how we understand life, given us life lessons and helped create who we are, someone who is continually evolving. Although we may have regrets about our past actions or misgivings about decisions we previously made, it’s important to find a way forward and seek peace within ourselves.

There is a growing body of evidence that our mind and body are deeply interconnected. Experiencing PTSD, repressing anger, struggling to forgive and people pleasing sit alongside unhealthy physical factors in the development of chronic health conditions (Dr Rangan Chatterjee and Dr Gabor Mate are useful resources for further reading).

Please don’t blame your ‘past self’. The patterns you formed to keep safe and survive life’s difficulties may have come from your early life. Those responses can also form following particularly traumatic events you’ve lived through. None of us come through life unscathed.

The thing is to recognise the patterns of your behaviour and do the work to heal and move forward toward your own version of optimum health.

Letting go of worrying about the future

The other side of the coin is our concern about the future. Something that in reality is also outside our control. No matter how much worry and anxiety we infuse into our being, it will have little influence on what we will eventually experience.

When we are anxious about the future we can benefit from taking practical action in the present moment. That may look like fully accepting what is and having gratitude for what we currently have in our lives. To also recognize that we’ve been able to navigate through changes before in our lives and come out the other side. There is probably a toolkit of strategies we’ve learnt to help us move forward effectively.

Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ talks about developing a rugged flexibility around life. Building a strong sense of self that allows you to also be flexible to navigate life’s changes as they present themselves. It’s a type of moving renovation we make that takes into account each life transition from a solid base of understanding ourselves and life.

“We have a better chance of feeling and doing good if we set realistic expectations – including that things change all the time, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse”

Brad Stulberg

Bringing your focus to the present moment

The work of letting go happens in the moment you are living right now. Ekhart Tolle in his book ‘The Power of Now’ would say it’s the only moment that truly exists and that we can influence. The beauty of that is that we can use the knowledge and life lessons of past experiences but we are not bound by them. By consciously letting go it’s possible to imagine a different future.

So what can you let go of right now?

  • The need to be constantly busy and feel validated through being needed by others.
  • Suppressing your emotions rather than processing and expressing them.
  • Comparing yourself and your life to others (often in an unfavourable way).
  • Having limited beliefs of what is possible to achieve in your life.
  • The desire to endlessly acquire things.
  • Difficulty and discomfort receiving support from others.
  • Wishing life was different rather than appreciating the life you are actually living.
  • The need to know what is going on in the world, especially through social media. Many have a fear of missing out if they disconnect from technology.
  • Outdated ideas of what it means to be a woman and your place in the world. This can influence how you see yourself in your relationships, community and workplace.

As you read through the list, do any of these resonate as habits or attitudes you’d like to change? Just by recognizing they exist you are taking the first step of reflection which will enable you to look for ways to act or view things differently.

By examining what you need to let go of in life, you create space for something new. Something that is more aligned with the person you are becoming, rather than who you are now or who you have been. It’s a process that requires time to ponder the presence of behaviours and attitudes in your daily life. Noticing the impacts they have on yourself and those around you. Then it becomes possible to create and  implement small steps that move you forward.

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