Healing the Matriarch

Recently I explored how it may be possible to move home with ease. Our family moved quite a few times previously in our lives so we had built up a few useful strategies for the task. Our friends, Michael and Larissa have lived on their family farm while bringing up their children. Having now emptied the nest, they recently made the decision to move into town. The relocation was within their known community so work and social connections were already established. I asked them several questions both prior to and shortly after this important transition.

Prior to the move: –

 ‘Yes, this is a BIGGER transition than I have given credit to….. I feel so assured this new chapter in our lives and marriage will be rich and full’. (Larissa)

1. When did you make the decision to move home?

We knew once our son Drew proposed to his love Danielle that a move for us was imminent (December 2018). Although Michael had been keeping an eye out on the housing market in Griffith for some years before then.

2.How long have you been living in the home you are moving from?

We moved out here to our farm in June 1994 (I was pregnant with our first child, Drew). Michael grew up here, had a brief time away at Yanco Agricultural College in 1985 -1986 and when we were first married (1992) we lived in Griffith until June 1994.

3. Do you have favourite memories of your time there as a family?

So many memories …. Our front road has been flooded a few times making trips into town very interesting. Watching Michael develop our farming system to the profitable enterprise it is today has been an amazing experience. Many family bon fires, Simone’s 18^th out at our shearing shed, a Youth camp for church out here, boarding four back packers here in our home over harvest times has led to us having somewhere to stay in four different countries. And many family Christmases and Easters.

4. How long have you been organizing the physical move into your new home in town?

We purchased our new home in town in early June. There was a 90-day settlement, so we did nothing really except dream for the first 60 days and seriously began to sort through cupboards etc. in the last month.

5. What strategies are you using to sort, pack and ready yourself for the move?

A methodical cull of certain areas at a time has helped me progress. Laundry, linen cupboards, pantry, office, spare bedroom. First a clear out of what we can give away that we really did not need anymore, then a final pack leaving only what we need for this last week.

6. How do you emotionally feel about the move? (Stress level, feeling organised, about leaving your current home, about your future home.)

We are excited, feeling quite organised really although the last few days we are feeling the pressure to tick a final few boxes on our ‘To Do’ list. – carpet cleaning, electricity, internet. Ask me the day the truck arrives….. ha-ha, might be a different story.

7. What was the most useful tip in my blog – How to Move Home with Ease?

In your blog I loved the suggestion of an Essentials Box or boxes to make the first night in our new home easier. I also like the idea of taking a walk through our old home saying our goodbyes in a ritualistic way so we can take memories with us. Then when we are in our new home, to say ‘hello’ to each room and infuse positive energy. This will certainly ease any emotional angst or grief that may pop up for us.

Post move questions: –

‘We are settling into our new home well. Slowly making it ours and into a home’. (Larissa)

1. How did the physical move go? Was anything unexpected? Was it more or less difficult than you expected? Yes, the cats settled way faster than me! Physically, the move went well! In 4hrs we had moved 90% of our life from the farm into our new home.  We were both exhausted by 11pm when we called it a day.

2. Did you feel you could say goodbye to your previous home, and welcome your new one?

My emotions surprised me and were unexpected. I have wanted a house in town for so, so long…. and was so excited to finally have that dream come true, but halfway to town on Tuesday, following the Removalist truck I cried.

It felt sad leaving our home of 26 years where we brought our children up, nurtured and created a flourishing marriage and business. We had made a building and garden our home.

3. How does it feel now you are in your new home?

I am not sure I can or have said goodbye to our farm home yet… Seeing all of our son and his wife’s things in it is strange, our essence is gone but the building still LOOKS like ours. I feel now like we are living in an Air BNB, a holiday house at the moment … it’s the strangest feeling.

4. Did it help having the idea of an essential’s box/s for the initial first few days?

I SHOULD have taken more care to have an ESSENTIALS box like you suggested…. as I was missing a few everyday items until day 5!!  The final pack up of last-minute things was too rushed to mark it all appropriately.

5. Do you have any thoughts or further suggestions to share?

As an extra… there is more to moving from an ‘out of town’ farm life into a town environment than just moving house from somewhere in town to somewhere else in town. Putting away all my pantry/baking/food items left me so very stressed and overwhelmed!  It felt so sinful and extravagant having so many extra BULK items.  

Michael explained ‘its ok, you’ve come from having the shops 30mins away – from trying to be as ‘self-sufficient’ as possible in every way… ‘

I needed loads of help in this area to – physically find a home for all my food/baking stuffs, and emotionally, to stop my negative self-talk!!

I will come out of this as a changed woman (for the better) but need to be kind to myself for a while. It’s certainly been a time in our lives we will never forget!

Is it just me, or have others discovered that turning sixty is a time of liberation, authenticity, and a new sense of freedom? I know I am a late bloomer as I have spent my previous decades, particularly between twenty and fifty, feeling I was in the thick of life’s experiences. I did the best I could balancing the work, parenting, and life juggling act. At times feeling I failed miserably at the task.

Yet once I turned sixty I suddenly felt an urgency to find myself and to gain a new level of clarity on my life. To ‘pull myself together’ so to speak. It is only now that I have found my voice – to write and speak about women’s journey. As an introvert and observer, perhaps I needed all the life experience of the previous decades to truly crystallize my thoughts and step into my own wisdom.

At sixty I set off on a personal adventure – going full circle back to where I grew up. It was going to be either a courageous or foolish action. Thankfully, it was the beginning of the former as I truly stepped into who I am. Several years later, the year 2020 certainly became a year of clarity and vision for me. I have had the opportunity to start my blog, connect women in community and recently speak at a conference. I am actually marveling at the personal transformation that has occurred. Those around me have been witness to the changes and I am so thankful for each of their parts in my story.

This is what I would like to share with those yet to reach this milestone.

• It becomes a wonderful time to ask the question Who am I now?, What are my present desires and dreams?, What beautiful questions remain, now that I have achieved most of my younger self’s ambitions? (Thank you to David Whyte – ‘Half a Shade Braver’ for posing these questions)
• There is more time to stay physically fit and active. It adds to the enjoyment of our lives. At sixty you are at the sweet spot of still feeling the possibility of the ‘fit and healthy’ label and you can be an inspiration for others who are younger. Retiring early and continuing to stay active is apparently great for longevity.
• It’s easier to stay connected and organise catch ups and trips with friends. Particularly as they retire and life becomes slower and has a sense of ease.
• We have the opportunity to drop the perfectionist and ‘superhero’ image of ourselves and become more real and disappointing to others. We each know a thousand ways where we have made a mess of it. We have lived through heartbreak and disappointment in our past, so now we are ready to grieve the past fully so we can move on. It allows us to be more authentic people, content and comfortable to be ourselves around others.
• Alternatives to where we live and what we do each day present themselves. Life choices become more flexible. If we want to change locality either temporarily or permanently we have more freedom to follow this choice. We might be exploring new destinations, spending time with family and friends or volunteering in projects. Its so much easier to follow the seasons without the commitments of work and family.
• We have mastered skills and knowledge to a point where we are a valuable resource to others. Although we may have retired from our professions, we don’t retire from life. We can continue to mentor, consult, or design courses to utilize our talents in serving others. It can also be a time to learn new skills that intrigue us. With time on our hands, our days can turn into times of deep immersion and flow with self-driven passions and interests.

Turning sixty is a time of stepping into the roles of elder: wise women and men, matriarchs, and patriarchs of our families and communities. If we hide our acquired wisdom rather than share it with others, it becomes lost. We need to remain relevant, active role models and advocates for those who will follow. Let’s be remembered and leave our legacy. It is time for our voices and life experience to be shared.

If you have reached this milestone, what has been your experience of turning sixty? I would love your reflections in the comments below.

One thing we can be sure of in life is that change is inevitable. How we react to changes in our circumstance matters. If we embrace a change it can create increased awareness and curiosity. Alternatively, change can cause us to become frustrated, angry, and stuck unable to move forward. Even small changes have the potential to throw us off balance.

Life will continue to give us both small and large changes of circumstance to deal with. We can be aware of our responses and give ourselves compassion when the changes are unwelcome. Part of being who we are is living through the struggles presented to us in our lives. We are not alone in having to deal with them and that can be comforting to know. Practicing how we deal with change when it arises can help us become open to action and build strategies as needed.

Perhaps you are currently facing two courses of action, that inevitable ‘fork in the road’ or ‘sliding door moment’. Do you continue on your current path or take the opportunity to take a new direction? When this occurs, it is wise to take time out to investigate the inevitable tug-a-war the possibility of a change brings. Here is a framework for inquiry based on ‘The Great Work of Your Life – A Guide for the Journey to Your True Calling’ by Stephen Cope.

1. Ask for guidance about the change. This might be a spiritual quest e.g. prayer or naming the change – saying our plans out loud. It may be helpful to create a vision board of images and words that reflect where you are now and where you would like to be.
2. Actively listen to the response. – Yes, this feels right. I am excited about this new path. What emotions emerge as we ‘name’ the change.
3. When the response is positive check it with reality. Speak to others about your possible plans – those directly impacted by the change and people you trust. Test their guidance under ongoing scrutiny of your plan. Are there concerns or negative reactions from others? Are these valid or based on fear or dependency? Can these concerns be addressed?
4. Once you get clarity that this change looks positive, wait to act. Important decisions cannot be hurried. Slow down the action and investigate this new path deliberately and relentlessly. Vision the change. Does it serve everyone directly affected by the decision.
5. Ask for courage to act. You may find you don’t have the courage to make the change at this time. You can focus on developing the willingness to act. Saying yes to the possibility.
6. Let go of the sense of risk and the need to eliminate risk from your decisions and the consequent actions. Identifying risk is only an indication that you are at an important crossroad. Attempting to eliminate risk can lead to paralysis of action. We never get 100% certainty in moving forward.
7. Move forward methodically. Begin to take actions that support your choice of a new pathway in life. This is critical for keeping the process moving. Seek advice and guidance as you act. Feel intuitively the doors opening toward your new path.
8. Let go of the outcome. Don’t cling to expectations of how the change will evolve. There is no measure of success or failure. You are embarking on a new adventure.

The hardest work comes in getting to the decision. Once made it’s as if invisible tracks roll the decision into action. Opportunities arise with some ease. Solutions become apparent. Moving through each step allows the chance to test the validity of the direction you are taking. Asking along the way the question – Is this right for me?