Healing the Matriarch

Have you ever been in a situation where you have planned or dreamed about a special occasion and when it arrives you quietly anticipate things going awry? That was me around my planning for celebrating Christmas this year with our adult children and their families. Would it live up to expectation?

So many times in our lives we anticipate a future event. Mentally choreographing what would occur, how we would be and the actions, words and emotions of those around us. In the daydreaming, the imagery is visceral. We feel the hugs and cuddles, hear the laughter and conversation and smell the aromas of food shared.

My own fondest memories of Christmas lay in my childhood. Extended family gatherings and a Nanna who waited until all the gifts were distributed then brought out an old suitcase of small, individually wrapped presents to distribute. Food was a highlight and each consecutive year I remember more sherry being added to the traditional Christmas trifle as Nanna aged.

The memories of Christmas beyond my childhood have been bittersweet. I lost my mum and Nanna when I was 22 years old so for me the intact, joyful experience of celebration left alongside their parting. My husband and his family continued to celebrate large extended Christmas Days and holidays together. I am eternally grateful that our children could experience such lovely Christmases in their own childhood. For me, there were always moments of sadness that we couldn’t fully reciprocate the experience with my side of the family.

The Christmas of 2021 became my opportunity as matriarch to create memories with my own family. With Covid restrictions and the loss of my husband’s mother in May, I made a conscious decision to host our immediate family for the Christmas period in our home.

It was joyful to buy gifts early and plan the meals that we would have over several days. We prepared our home and garden and the week before Christmas decorated our tree, giving it pride of place in the living room. I also wanted to update our professional family photos. Our family had grown by three more grandchildren and it had been a decade since the last ones were taken. A local photographer was booked for just after Christmas Day.

As the day approached we nervously anticipated the safe travel and good health of each family member. Both families had long car journeys to take in heavier than usual traffic. It was a relief when they arrived and began settling into our home. Each family had visited their grandparent’s plot at the memorial gardens and as night fell on Christmas Eve we walked the neighbourhood streets admiring the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses. Santa sacks were placed near the Christmas tree as our excited and weary grandchildren headed off to bed.

Christmas morning was a flurry of joyful activity, opening presents and scattering the carefully wrapped paper around ourselves. Croissants for brunch then the timed execution of a hot roast lunch. The weather was delightful on Christmas day so we swam in the pool, drank and ate into the evening. I waited, but no disappointment appeared, the day went beautifully.

Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment

Brene Brown – Atlas of the Heart.

Boxing Day we spent at a favourite beach. One we had ventured to for family holidays over the years. It was a gorgeous, sunny morning. The waves were calm and the water clear and inviting. We couldn’t have orchestrated anything more perfect. There were a few sun kissed faces as we headed to the shade of trees for a fish and chip lunch.

January – Moved back into life in Port Macquarie after two years in my childhood hometown – healing my heart, my sense of direction and my priorities. This was a priceless season of my life that was both timely and inspiring. I had the opportunity to be a ‘hands on Nanna’ while both sets of our grandchildren lived in the same location. At times it was painful and unnerving to take this hiatus from my home and marriage but looking back I have no regrets. It also provided the impetus for writing my blog.

This month was finally time for settlement on our Canberra apartment. A unique solution to having a base closer for visits to family and friends.

You will never be completely at home again because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place

Miriam Adeney.

February – Picked up my new car, helped two grandchildren celebrate their birthdays. Furniture removal to Canberra. The Sydney removalist, having not been this far west in NSW, was staggered by the distance. Some of our Queensland family visit us in Port Macquarie.

March – We sold our motorhome. I begin a slow recovery from an Achilles tear playing Pickle Ball for the first time. A lesson learnt in acceptance and limitation.

April – Smith family gather at a farm stay near Coonabarabran NSW. This would be the last getaway with my husband’s mum, Shirley. It was a treasured time of connection and sharing memories.

May – Attended Motherless Daughter’s Australia High Tea, Canberra. Catch ups with friends and family in Griffith. Shirley returned to her heavenly home on the 24^th and we celebrated her life on 31^st at Innes Memorial Gardens chapel.

June – Visit Canberra and Griffith to celebrate another grandchild’s birthday. Reinforced for us that this base in Canberra was a good decision.

July – Travelled to Qld for our niece’s wedding. Second time lucky after being postponed the previous year. A beautiful location at Tamborine Mountain in the Surfers Paradise Hinterland.

August – Lots of movement in our Air BNB. As lovely long term tenants moved out into their new home, a new couple move in. My life includes lots of online presence with meditation and Zumba classes and online courses to participate in.  NSW Statewide lockdown is called on 14^th. We had been lucky to avoid the extended lockdown experienced in the larger cities until now.

September – Port Macquarie comes out of lockdown on 11^th September. A cautious re-entry with all the precautions of distancing and mask wearing. Lockdowns continue elsewhere and cases rise so our life is lived locally.

October – A trip to Yamba to celebrate our 40^th wedding anniversary.

November – Positive Neuroplasticity online course with Dr Rick Hanson. Online Three Sundays in November with Irish poet, David Whyte on ‘What is Still Possible’. Wonderful nourishment and inspiration for the brain.

December – Preparation for a family Christmas with our children, their partners and grandchildren. It’s been too long since we have seen them so we do a trip to Canberra and Griffith to spend time with them. It included delivery and picking up of Christmas presents. High Tea with our daughter at Hotel Realm, Canberra, to celebrate her university graduation. A few lovely days at Nimbo Fork Lodge near Tumut and bike ride along the Tumbarumba to Rosewood rail trail.

And finally … a Christmas of delightful memories with family here in Port Macquarie. Beach days, parks and coffee dates, card and board games together, dips in the pool. Laughs, conversations and precious time spent together. We include a Family Photo shoot to capture this Christmas together. 

Now as New Year’s Eve approaches many of us are hoping for a brighter 2022. Each year we experience can feel both way too short and at times painfully long as we wait for circumstances to change. The challenges we face make us stronger and more resilient; the brighter notes make us filled with life satisfaction and gratitude.

Take time before the clock strikes midnight to look back on the events, journeys and everyday happenings that have constituted this year of your life. Some memories will stay encapsulated in the year that was 2021. Others will form the springboard for the person you will become and the things you will do in the coming year. May it be a blessed New Year.