Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Take that Holiday Feeling Home

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Holidays are wonderful things. We anticipate and plan for them looking forward to getting away from our everyday routine. A chance to explore somewhere new, to eat in a more leisurely way and to slow our routine down and relax. If our everyday lives have been busy, a holiday may also bring on illness as a physical reminder of the stress we’ve been under. It’s as if our body has been given a wake up call that we’ve overdone things and we need to take better care of ourselves.

I remember holidays in young adulthood, pre-motherhood. Simple escapes with my husband to the seaside. Low cost and fun. I’d enjoy the escape from reality so much I’d be in tears as we began our drive home. Aware that our normal routine, both at work and home, was waiting for us on our return.

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

Holidaying with young children was a different matter. As a mother of little ones it didn’t feel like a real break from the everyday. Just a movement of our regular routine and rituals to an unfamiliar location. At times it would feel like too much effort. It would have been much easier to stay at home with familiar toys, beds and food. The key was to slow down and relax. To loosen expectations of ourselves, our children and what we planned. To focus on togetherness and connection. To simplify the days we were away.

Now that our children are grown and have their own families holidays are more regular and not necessarily planned with others. It’s much easier to ‘escape’ without the commitments of work, school and growing children. Sometimes our trips are planned to distant destinations. At other times we are happily exploring our own region and what it has to offer.

Holidays give us the chance to slow down, rest or nap and lose a sense of clock time and replace it with rising with the sun and going to bed early.

  • We eat meals when we are hungry and give ourselves time to enjoy them.
  • We find time to read books, play games and connect in deeper conversations.
  • We explore somewhere different and experience new, interesting activities.
  • We are more likely to treat and indulge ourselves.

There are things about enjoyable holidays that are worth keeping for our other days of the year. Things to bring into our normal, everyday existence. We’ll always still have responsibilities. Yet by introducing some of our holiday habits more regularly, we nurture and restore ourselves on a more ongoing basis.

Not only is this prioritizing our own self-care. It also allows us to be the best version of ourselves with others.

‘I believe rituals of rest and relaxation can be part of our ‘everyday’

Naomi Whitfeld, Wellness Warrior and IKOU Founder

Take time to reflect on what you’ve enjoyed most on your holidays. Then consciously plan for those things to occur more regularly in your day to day life.

A Different Experience of Christmas

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While many people are preparing for a full on traditional family Christmas this year, others are craving a low key approach to the coming days. The mental exhaustion associated with emerging post – Covid into a changed world is leading us to re-evaluate our planning, honour our needs and make decisions accordingly.

Advertising started early for gift buying and as the day approaches the last minute shoppers and food purchasers are filling our shopping centres to the brim. Roads and airports are busy transitioning people to their family and holiday destinations.

In the hectic lead up to Christmas have we lost a true sense of what we are celebrating? Putting pressure on ourselves to deliver the perfect gift giving, meals and experience for each other. In the process stretching ourselves physically, emotionally and financially. Perhaps its time to take a calmer and more considered approach to the festive season using each letter of the word Christmas.

Photo by Lore Schodts on Unsplash

Choice – If possible, consciously take the festive season at a slower pace. Counter the consumerism with more thoughtfully planned gift and food purchasing. As the day approaches maintain your daily self-care and rest so that you are not overwhelmed by the day itself. Don’t feel pressured to do Christmas a certain way. Make choices based on your own energy level and desire for socializing and interaction. Some years you may feel motivated to host a large Christmas gathering with all the trimming while other years you may feel happier for a more intimate experience with your immediate family or partner. Choosing low key options for food, gifts and activities. Do what is best for you at the time.

History – This time of year is one that stimulates our memories of past Christmas celebrations. There may be traditions you want to honour that date back to your childhood. The strong emotional memories of past Christmases serve as comparisons for what you currently experience. Take what is valuable and cherished and make these the centrepiece of this year. It can also be a time of creating new traditions and ways of doing things. Change is inevitable as children grow up and create their own celebrations. Marrying into families with different traditions and creating new ones with their own children. Christmas is also a time that highlights the absence of family members who are no longer with us to celebrate. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of this loss. Create rituals to include them – photos, a lit candle, a vase of their favourite flowers. Speak about them and the memories you created with them around Christmas.

Reunion – Christmas is often a time where we gather with family who we don’t necessarily see during the year. Allow for the different personalities and needs of individuals. Feel able to ask for help with physical tasks such as meal preparation to avoid feeling overwhelmed as a host. Step back from creating too much expectation about the day. Large gatherings inevitably create mess so trying to keep a picture perfect setting amongst the activity can create anxiety. Accept what unfolds and deal with the clean up by sharing the load or relegating clean up to later.

‘I’ – Women particularly can take on the role of Christmas co-ordination. Our giving and nurturing nature can mean we invest an incredible amount of energy into Christmas. Recognize when you need to step back and take a break from activities. Take time to replenish yourself both physically and emotionally. Create a Christmas that truly reflects you.

Senses – Christmas is a truly sensory experience. The sight of a decorated Christmas tree and table. The sounds of festive music, laughter and conversation. The smells and tastes of home cooking. Savour these sensory experiences. Take photos and videos and particularly make sure you are also in them. These will be tangible reminders of you for your family in the years ahead. Be aware, particularly with younger children, that their senses can quickly be overloaded with all the activity. Find quiet spaces and activities for them to retreat to. That may also apply to the grownups as well.

Time – We can have so much planned for Christmas Day that we forget to enjoy it. Loosen expectation around what ‘should’ happen and when. If food preparation and sitting down together takes longer allow yourself to go with the flow. A meal made with love has its own timing. Try not to plan too much for the day to allow everyone to savour the moments and conversations.

Money – The festive season is often a time when we extend ourselves financially. Not only in paying our normal bills but in gift buying, travel, holidays and food. Be mindful of spending and ease the burden for others with donations to charities and offering gift cards to help with buying groceries and other needs for Christmas Day. If you have a large gathering ask others attending to contribute financially or with parts of the meal.

Abundance – For most of us we live in a world with ample physical abundance. There is very little we want for. Perhaps this Christmas can be less about the physical ‘things’ and more about our emotional experience. Lets have an abundance of time, connection, happiness, relaxation, peace and yes even sleep. These things hold greater value as we celebrate Christmas.

Spirituality – Remember the ‘reason behind this season’. If you are of Christian faith it is the birth of Jesus Christ that is central to your celebration. The wider themes of generosity and service to others can also be our focus at this time of year.

May this Christmas be all that you hope for. A true representation of who you are and a time of creating wonderful memories.

I Feel Like a Local

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Sitting together on a picnic rug by the river. A group of local women gathered to celebrate their Christmas Party. An outdoor Escape Room team challenge followed by a beautiful gathering around food and bubbles. A perfect way to end our year of connection.

The conversation turns to how long each of us have been living in our coastal community. The answers varied from only a few months to several years. For me, its been twenty years living here. We moved from the country when our last child finished school. Doing a ‘sea change’ without our children.

‘Well, you’re a local’ was the response of one of the women. A badge of honour that seems to be only conferred to those who have lived here all of their lives or at least several decades. I realized yes that finally I did feel like a local, but it’s been a long journey towards that realization.

Photo by Evangelina Silina on Unsplash

I am a country girl, through and through. Growing up in a town where my grandparents were among the first pioneering families to settle. My roots are deep in the red dirt of this farming community. I spent my childhood growing up there. When you are embedded in a community like that people know you based on your family and school connections. You are someone’s granddaughter, daughter, sister, school mate or friend.

When we returned to the community as a family in the early 90’s my children would always be surprised that it took so long to walk the main street. Regularly stopping to chat with people who knew me even though I had moved away in my late teens to university. For me, slipping back into my childhood community as an adult was easy.

Not so easy for my husband who had grown up on the outskirts of a major city. For him the connections were harder to make and mainly came through work and sport. Eventually the yearning for a more coastal lifestyle beckoned. We found a home near the beach and within eighteen months had made the transition to the seaside community we now live in.

We still retained work commitments with our country business. Travelling monthly back to visit. Most of the time my husband could work from home when technology finally allowed the possibility. He loved the new compromise and quickly settled into local life. For me, the trips back were an opportunity to catch up with our now young adult children. Eventually our first grandchild came along and the emotional pull back to the country began for me.

Over the ensuing years I’ve had several ‘escapes’ back to the country. I lived several years back in the community during the last years of my father’s life. Finding my very last teaching role while supporting my sister with dad’s care. I also returned during the recent Covid years to help our children with childcare and home schooling our grandchildren. Each time I felt the emotional priority of my decisions outweighed the more comfortable, retired existence we had created.

What have I learnt about making a ‘Seachange’/’Treechange’?

You broaden your connections and life experience by moving community.

When you have lived in the same place all of your life you maintain existing connections over a long period of time. A wonderful thing but something that also may hinder you meeting new people. Moving to somewhere where you know very few people can be daunting. It can also be an opportunity to expand your friendship network. Meeting people from differing backgrounds and life experiences.

Establish your own friendships and activities separate to your family.

This is a big one if you move to be closer to your adult children and their families. Keeping your family connections as your main locus of attention can hinder meeting others and engaging with a new community. Maintain separate lives within the same geographic area to help keep relationships harmonious with your extended family. When you do get together you will have some interesting experiences to share about your lives.

Use your interests and passions to form connections with your new community.

The things we enjoy doing are highly transferable. Use your interests and passions to find groups within your new community. Some groups may specifically aim to welcome new residents. Join community events and activities. Seek out information about what’s on in your new community.

Be kind to yourself in the transition, however long it takes.

You may fall in love with your new location immediately. Alternatively, like me, it may take a long time to feel settled and content. Accept however you feel and try not to be discouraged and regretful of your decision. Its common to feel a sense of ‘what have I done’ at moments of transition. To pine for the familiar of your previous location. To miss friends and activities you enjoyed. Resist the temptation to compare as each community has its own unique offerings. Just allow yourself the time to discover what your new location has to offer.

Moving location can fill us with a mix of emotions. Our sense of stability can be replaced by a sense of disconnection from the familiar. We may regret our decision. Change is challenging. Give yourself time. You may be surprised to find that, like me, you eventually feel like a local. Content and emotionally connected to a new community of people. It’s taken a while, but it’s been worth it.

What has been your experience of moving to a different geographic location? Comment below.

Hope You Find What You’re Looking For

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I noticed someone new at my exercise class this morning. She had come because she’d been looking to recommence yoga after a two year hiatus. This morning’s class format includes yoga poses. It also incorporates slow dance movements, stretches and mindfulness all set to beautiful music.

As we settled into the class with our instructor, I could see her mentally trying to process the sequence of movements. While I could sense her awkwardness with the unfamiliar her concentration was strong. She also had wonderful flexibility which was probably a result of her natural affinity with yoga.

At the end of the class, she rushed fairly quickly away with her friend. We wondered whether perhaps she hadn’t found it right for her. We weren’t sure we would see her again.

Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

A coffee catch up after class had been arranged nearby. As I arrived I noticed she was already sitting with her friend. I sat down beside her eager to know what it was about yoga that had attracted her to our class. Did she enjoy the more physical aspects or was it the slower mindfulness and inner focus that she was yearning for? Were there certain constraints on her lifestyle that would narrow down her search for a particular time and class to suit?

I understood her attraction to yoga as I had practiced on and off at different times in my life. I loved how yoga would focus my breath on the present moment, taking me out of my mind’s constant chatter and stretch my sore and constricted muscles.  We began to converse in a steady flow of conversation.

And then the beautiful penny dropped. She had begun to practice yoga in her fifties as a way to help her with the grief of losing her youngest son. Her beautiful teenage boy. From this disclosure came a conversation about her life. The places she had previously lived. About her motherhood journey and her life now in the countryside.

I asked her what her son’s name was and she immediately opened her phone to show me her home screen. There was a picture of a handsome young man. The son she had been speaking about. She passed the phone around to show us. We acknowledged the bittersweetness of this moment.

Our conversation continued as a group. Talking about the beginnings, messy and busy middle part of motherhood and the time beyond as our children found their partners and some had become parents themselves. Sharing whether we even wanted to be mothers at all in the beginning. Identifying the joys we’ve found. Discussing how much modern motherhood has changed from our own experience. Such a wonderful conversation that seemed timeless and authentic.

“Sometimes what you’re looking for comes when you’re not looking at all.”

Anonymous

As I reflected on the morning, I realized the power of our connection. We had created an informal women’s Circle. Sitting with our coffees and sharing our lives and things we had in common. Listening to each other’s journey and supporting and acknowledging the struggles we’ve endured along the way. An unexpected, yet heart-warming outcome of our morning together.

Sometimes something new piques our interest. We are drawn to an activity. It’s either completely new or reminds us of a previous way we have engaged with life. I’m so grateful this lovely lady walked into our exercise class this morning. She came looking for something. Something she remembered she had craved from the past. While the activity may not have been exactly right. I hope she did actually find what she was looking for. That gentle release of the body through dance and movement and also perhaps a new group of women in her life.

May 2025
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