Healing the Matriarch

An early Summer morning and a chance to walk and talk with a group of women along the beach. A quiet circle as each woman introduces themselves and an Acknowledgement of Country is spoken to ground us in connection with the traditional owners of the land we meet on.

As the walk begins the women gather into groups of two or more heading south along the sand to our designated turning point. The painted wooden Kookaburra on a pole. This New Year is bringing new faces to the group. Women who have found the courage to join the regular Sunday gathering.

I join several conversations and a theme emerges. Quite a few of these women are in the throws of empty nesting. Their children about to leave for university or away from our community. Others I speak to are not quite at that stage and still parenting teenage children. Yet they see a time ahead when their days of active mothering will gradually come to an end.

The years of bringing up our children go so quickly. During parenting we are in constant demand. Some of the women today feel that it is one of the most challenging and rewarding roles they’ve experienced. When we are immersed in it we have a definite identity and responsibility. From the moment we are handed our first child we are changed forever.

Yet there comes a time when our children become independent of us. Leading their own separate lives. Possibly creating their own families. It’s a time where rather than being a central character, we play a bit part in their lives. It’s a time of shedding that ‘mother’ role, stepping back from nurturing them as children and re-establishing our own identity. It feels uncomfortable and if not consciously thought about and prepared for it can be a shock to the system. It can feel like a grief process until we feel a sense of acceptance and contentment with life moving forward.

The biggest change for me as a mum was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first.

Kim Alexis

You are prepared

Life has equipped us for this transition. As we hand over our little ones to their teachers on the first day of kindergarten. Then watch them progress from primary to high school. There are strategies we have used to help both our children and ourselves embrace change and engage with it effectively. Communicating what the next step may look like. Visiting the new environment so it doesn’t feel so strange. Rehearsing the practical skills that will support them to independently navigate their way. Listening to concerns and together coming up with strategies to support them.

Each little transition that we’ve experienced with them helps us let go that bit more. Giving them confidence to mature and gain independence. We won’t be able to impart all the learning. There will be skills and life lessons to learn as they navigate young adulthood. Our role increasingly becomes one of support from a healthy distance.

It’s also important for us to prepare ourselves for this change. Begin to find connections and activities outside the realm of work and family. Not an easy task when lives are busy.

• Perhaps find one thing you particularly enjoy and regularly fit it into your schedule.
• Make increasing opportunity for ‘me time’ so you can nurture your own needs.
• Have valuable family time, but particularly toward the later teenage years spend more time apart. Get a physical sense of them not being around before they move away.
• Give yourself compassion when you feel saddened by the closing of this chapter. Begin to imagine the possibilities beyond parenting. The next stage of your own life.

Create a Ritual

Transitions call for ceremony. A time to reflect on the life phase that is ending for both your child and yourself. To honour the energy you have put into the role and to acknowledge the results of your years of mothering. Here are some possibilities.

• You might write a letter to your child.
• Have a specific dinner together to honour new beginnings. Share family memories and stories of their growing years.
• Find a special gift to signify the love you share.
• Take a holiday together.

Whatever you plan, use the ritual as a positive and affirming time. You’ll miss them yet be proud of who they have grown up to be.

There is life beyond

As with all transitions it will feel awkward and new. Just as it was at the beginning of motherhood, moving into a new home or starting at a new workplace. There is no rush. Once your children have empty nested you are entering a new phase of life. Reconnecting with the woman you are now. Reconnecting in your relationships with your partner and friends. Reconnecting with your purpose moving forward.

Its also a time to embrace new activities and connections. It has been a long time since you could focus on yourself. If you are working, it may be a time to take on more challenge or responsibility. You may want to do additional formal or informal learning. It can also be a time for creativity, travel and following your passions. A time to focus on your own self-care and physical well-being.

Over time a different relationship develops with our children. They may partner and have children of their own. The desire to be a grandparent can be strong but is a role that is best eased into and navigated sensitively and in a balanced way.

Be flexible in what you are willing to take on as your own life evolves. Its so easy to step back into nurturing forgetting how much energy is required to care for babies and young children. Avoid caring for grandchildren becoming an ongoing expectation or burden. Instead focus on the unique role and relationship you can create in their lives.

Empty nesting is the culmination of all our hard work as parents. It fits neatly into the flow of many ongoing transitions we make in life. Preparing for it, acknowledging it and planning for a life beyond are crucial for making this a smooth process.

More reading on this topic: –

Beyond the Nest

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

What I wish I knew about Parenthood