Every week I have conversations with women who are making big decisions in their lives. Whether it’s about where they live and work. Around their relationships. Their health and well-being. Decisions that will impact their own future fulfillment and happiness.
At times the decision making occurs outside their control. A major health concern for themselves or a loved one, having a partner who no longer wishes to be in their marriage, a workplace environment that doesn’t satisfy or becomes unstable and job loss occurs. Change comes unexpectedly, yet somehow they need to find a way forward.
I listen to them and admire their bravery and courageousness. Stepping out from what they know as stable and comfortable to find their way forward. Overcoming fear of the unknown to make decisions that will inevitably change their lives. They do it because often the cost of inertia, deciding to do nothing, becomes too painful. It takes a toll on their mind, body and spirit.
Photo by Izzy Park on Unsplash
Inner chaos.
With all types of change our mind can feel a level of stress and anxiety. This causes the amygdala within our brain’s limbic system to be activated. Its job is to keep us safe from immediate danger and we enter a state often referred to as ‘fight or flight’. It can cause our thoughts to race; body reactions heighten and we go into autopilot emotionally. The stress response can also cause us to ‘freeze’. We feel numb, our mind goes blank and we are overcome with inertia.
All of these triggered responses make it difficult to function calmly and make sound decisions. Those functions belong in another part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. It is easy to lose contact with this area of the brain when life is challenging.
Turning Chaos into Calm
When we are triggered its important to realize we have a choice. We can move away from achieving calm and clarity by entering into a seemingly endless loop of ruminating thoughts and feelings. Often looking back over our past or toward the future as our reference point.
There is also an alternative choice to use that moment of being triggered to pause and practice mindfulness. Using the breathe as an anchor for our reactivity by noticing our immediate environment. Noticing the sights, sounds, tastes and smells. Focusing on details. Keeping ourselves firmly in the present moment.
The role of Intuition
As the mind calms, it becomes possible to tap into our intuition – that sense of feeling, of familiar patterns or relationships between what we know. This largely unconscious knowledge we access in our mind has crystallized from our previous experiences. We can then use mental shortcuts called heuristics to help us make quick and effective responses and decisions.
Often in conversations with others I hear them voice their own solutions. Deep down they know what is best for themselves. Their answers arrive when they are relaxed. Then it’s so much easier for them to access the desires of their heart. To consider the answers to questions such as ‘What matters right now?” “What type of person do I want to be?’
So often we seek external validation for these decisions. We listen to what others think is good for us. We focus on their opinions and preferences, even though the outcomes are going to have a huge impact on our own lives. We worry about making a decision that others won’t like or approve of.
It’s so important to learn to trust our own intuition. To prioritize our own opinions above those of others. Getting comfortable with making decisions that are important to us. After all, we are the ones that know ourselves and our particular life circumstances best.
Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest Dive Deeper provides some useful prompts to consider the next time you have a major decision to make: –
- What are the choices being presented to me?
- What do I personally feel is the best choice?
- Is this choice authentic for me?
- Does it match my hopes and dreams?
- What is my reason for making this decision?
- Do I approve of my own choice? (I may have to defend it to others)
Living by our Core Values
Values are our heart’s deepest desires of how we want to behave as a human being. There are literally hundreds of different values such as authenticity, connection, fairness, flexibility, persistence to choose from. Some particular core values we are drawn to, others are personally less important or relevant to us. We all have different preferences and there is no such thing as a ‘right value’ or a ‘wrong value’.
Tapping into the particular values that have personal meaning to us can help us anchor during life’s challenges and then navigate through change. For example, if authenticity is your core value you will tap deeply into your identity to decide the person you will present to the world through each stage of your life. Core values also help each of us live according to our unique purpose and inform the way we interact with the world.
Both Brene Brown (Dare to Lead) and Russ Harris (ACT Mindfully) have lists of Core Values to get you started on your exploration.
Taking Action with Curiosity
It’s not always easy to step into the action part of change. We can worry about the future and consequences of our decision making. I know because I made a major decision in my life around my 60th birthday.
I sat in inertia for months yet I also took time to observe and listen to the conversations around me. In those observations and discussions were the embedded answers I needed. I still remember the moment of making my decision. It felt such an immediate response that I needed to move closer to my children and grandchildren. It came as an unanticipated shock to the life coach I was working with at the time. One she tried to talk me out of, but I knew in my heart it was the right one for me. As I spent more and more time with my adult children and their families my decision was reinforced. I was needed and had a role in their lives.
I experienced life differently for a while and doors seemed to effortlessly open for me to take action. I rented a temporary home and had access to furniture. Supportive family and friends surrounded me. I found the time and space to reflect on my life and reset my direction. This decision became the right one for me.
When we feel overwhelmed, anxious or worried it’s difficult to think straight. It is only by pausing with mindful awareness that we can find a place of calm and clarity. From the space created we can tap into our intuition and core values to make effective decisions. Insights may come quickly or we may need to sit and ponder alternative pathways. Either way, the clarity achieved through calm will be our guide.