An elderly woman has been diagnosed with a terminal illness; she spends her last days in a hospice. As she is met by a visitor, she tells them she is doing quite well. The visitor wonders why despite her obviously being in the end stages of her life she is calm and content. She asks about her illness and realizes she is not living in denial. The elderly woman understands there is only a short time left for her to live. She has a sense of inner peace.
“I am happier now than I ever imagined possible” she responds. I have had a good life, surrounded by those I love. She carefully picks up photographs of her family and reminisces about special moments spent with them. She talks of lasting friendships, fun adventures, and smiles as she recollects everyday moments. Life has had its challenges, but she is satisfied.
Another woman is waiting with her tour group to begin another day. Her morning has been a ‘disaster’. She cannot decide what to wear today and the crumbled remnants of clothing in her suitcase desperately need ironing. She has woken up later than she expected so there is no time to wash her hair. Pulling out the pieces from her luggage she hurriedly dresses and goes downstairs to quickly eat her breakfast.
“I’m dreading the journey on the bus today” she says to the couple beside her. Showing her displeasure with a scowl on her face. They look at her with dismay and wonder why she came on the trip in the first place.
Most of us think of happiness as a reaction to an event, but it is actually a state of mind that has very little to do with what is going on around us.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Life Lessons.
It has always been interesting to me how some people seem ‘glass half full’ and others ‘glass half empty’ in life. Some of the difference has to do with where we sit on the optimism versus pessimism scale of human personality. Each of us has a ‘set point’ on this scale, a bit like the ‘set point’ where our weight is most comfortable and most easily maintained. The trick is to move toward the upper limits of our individual range and encourage others to do likewise. You can read more in Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
Even on a tough day or in difficult circumstances happiness remains a choice. Bronnie Ware, author of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, describes the journey she took with a woman called Rosemary. This woman had once been a high-flying executive who gained pleasure from the power she wielded from intimidating others. During the final stages of her life, Rosemary became more dependent on Bronnie as her palliative carer. She continued to use complaint and constant demands from her bed. In response Bronnie through loving care, gentle ignorance and making light of the situation opened Rosemary’s eyes to allowing happiness in. One of the common stories and regrets of the dying – ‘I wish I had let myself be happier.
How do we choose happiness? –
- Develop a practice of regular gratitude for all that you have in life. Happiness and gratitude are deeply linked. It can be the simple things that give us great satisfaction and joy.
- Fake it until you make it. Smile more times than frown, feel blessed more times than complain (although sometimes a good complaint helps to get negative emotions of your chest).
- Observe your negative talk. This can be about yourself and your life circumstances. Write freely how you are feeling then try to re frame your language to a kinder, more positive alternative.
- Set boundaries around others. Do not allow them to dictate your own level of happiness. They may not even be aware that their general conversation and demeanor brings others down. Their negativity may have gained them attention or sympathy in the past. Share a different perspective and with love give them insight into how their behaviour impacts you.
I hope that when I come toward the end of my days that I am more like the first woman. Having a perspective of deep gratitude for what has transpired in life. Reminiscing on both the joys I have experienced and the lessons I have learnt. Leaving this life with love for those I was deeply connected to. Content and happy.