My husband and I have been married for over forty years. Our wedding took place close to sunset in a small country town church. We were both in our early twenties and had been together for nearly two years. Common sporting pursuits sparked our interest in each other and we quickly developed a close bond.

It was a difficult early courtship as my mother was in the last stages of her journey with bowel cancer. Her death several months after we met thrust us into a quick trajectory between our first meeting, engagement and then preparing to marry. It was exciting to plan our wedding day. Choosing the church, reception venue, bridal party, invitations and guest list. It was not until my wedding day that it really sank in for me that this was the first of many significant events in my life that I would experience without my mum by my side.

Photo by Stacie Ong on Unsplash

I distinctly remember as I dressed ready for the ceremony that a group of my family matriarchs converged around our kitchen table. Drinking, eating and chatting together. Aunts from both my mother’s and father’s side. I imagine they knew the void that would exist for both myself, my dad and my sister on my wedding day without her presence. Photos were taken, wedding rings exchanged, vows spoken and our married life commenced.

Although the beginning of our relationship was quite unique, I imagine it echoes the stories of all who marry. The wedding rings fit on young slender fingers and the vows are made to commit to a life together and the possibility of raising children as a family unit.

For those in long term marriages, we know that the wedding day heralds only the entry point, the first chapter of life together as a couple. The people we are on that day will continually change. Slowly blending our life experience as a unit and also coming from our own unique personality and perspectives.

Things will be brought up in conversation, often expectations we hold of each other which were formed from our childhood family experiences. Conflicts of interest will emerge. Boundaries will be crossed. Disagreements about how things should be done will occasionally surface. The one thing that sticks is the commitment to each other that was made on our wedding day and the rings we exchanged.

‘Your marriage vows are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep’

– Dave Willis

Life gets busier and it becomes difficult to keep each other a priority. Children, household duties and work responsibilities fill our schedules. The rings stay on as a reminder, until one day they are taken off. At first, its an excuse that they get in the way. They become a safety issue. Our fingers swell or knuckles enlarge making them harder to wear comfortably. Once we become used to their absence on our finger there is a psychological freedom that emerges. The symbol of marriage and commitment to each other is no longer a constant visual reminder.

Until it’s absence is. We see each other’s naked wedding ring finger and wonder what that symbolizes. Do we still love each other? Are we still exclusively committed to each other? What does it say about the ongoing state of our marriage.

Changes in our own lives often mirror the way we feel about our marriage. The early days of marriage we sense an assuredness that we are loved and chosen. As each stage of our life emerges new challenges arise. It is often at the crucial stages of our adult life – when children arrive, when children empty the nest, when we face health challenges and aging of our parents and ourselves that the real tests of our commitment to each other occur.

There is an upward trend in separation and divorce of couples in their 50’s. It’s usually a time when commitments reduce, the pace of life slows and spouses examine their life as both individuals and as part of a couple. Active motherhood and careers taper off and plans for retirement begin to form. Important decisions about whether to ‘right size’ for the next phase of life surface. Each change challenges our stability.

It’s a critical point in a marriage. For us it became a two year separation. Interestingly enough about the same length as our courtship. What we wanted out of life was too different to accommodate each other’s needs. It was difficult, yet in hindsight essential to what happened next for us as a couple. The possibility of reuniting as changed individuals. Both happier, both finding our individual purpose and ready to move forward together again.

Recently I looked at those wedding rings. The ones that no longer fit me. Symbols of the constriction I had felt at the time we separated. I began to look at how to embody the new stage of our marriage with a physical remodelling of the rings. On a recent trip I purchased a pearl that would be it’s centre piece. Two diamonds from the eternity ring were to remain in the design. The gold was melted and reshaped from each ring and combined into a new wedding band to house the design.

This new ring, which embodies elements and stories from our life together, symbolizes our recommitment to each other. To continue our marriage together, now with a stronger partnership and closer connection to our children and grandchildren.

As I look at young couples preparing for marriage I wonder if they have a sense of what is in store for them. To understand what it’s like to take wedding vows and to implement them in a practical way in their marriage. To exchange rings as symbols of their bond and love. To make a life commitment to each other.

With this ring, I am much older and wiser than the young version of myself when she married. This refashioned ring is a symbol of my life together with my husband, all that we have shared, the heartaches we have experienced and the ways we have supported each other. It is also a strong symbol of who I am as a woman and the personal life journey I have been on.

Do you remember how easy it was to connect with your friends in childhood. You spent your days at school together, eating lunch and playing games between classes. You’d maybe meet each other on the weekends to play sport or spend hours building cubbies or riding your bikes in the neighbourhood. Friendship was relatively easy to maintain due to your proximity to each other. You were also full of energy and going through a similar stage of life together.

Once school days were over, suddenly you experienced the great ‘scattering’. Your friends moved away for education or work (or you did). Relationships formed and over the following decade each of you moved into the next phase of life where a multitude of life choices took you in separate directions. It became harder to stay in touch.

Adult friendship is different to those we had as a child. The responsibilities of life dominate our energy. It requires a much more conscious effort to establish new friendships and maintain them over time. Mel Robbins in her book ‘The Let Them Theory’ identifies three elements that are required for adult friendships to thrive. These are proximity, timing and energy.

Proximity

Living near our friends, so we can regularly organise face to face catch ups, is a major factor in maintaining connection. As much as we have the ability to stay in touch online and through messaging, seeing each other in person creates a deeper experience. We can hold a balanced conversation between expressing ourselves and actively listening to each other. It’s easier to notice the other person’s non-verbal cues such as their emotions and body language and ask relevant questions. It’s also possible to offer physical support and comfort to our friends in a face to face exchange.

Timing

Timing also plays a major role in sustaining our friendships. Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ highlights the need for more flexibility as we navigate adult life. Research has shown that on average, people experience thirty six significant changes in the course of their adult life. That equates to a shift in life circumstances every eighteen months. Examples might include leaving school, starting a job, leaving a job, getting married, getting divorced, having children, losing those we love, experiencing an illness and moving to a new community. With each change our friendship dynamic is also impacted. Our needs and priorities change and we may feel out of step and distant with our current friends. Some naturally drift away from us, yet a change may also bring with it new friendships. Those that are with people who know a more current version of us or the one we are becoming.

Energy

As we experience each of life’s changes our energy can be drained. Even if we are healthy, there is lots of adjustment required. If we become unwell or sustain an injury it can compromise our ability to attend activities where we’d normally meet up with our friends. Illness can make us avoid others and focus our attention inward. The energy for friendship may not be possible at the time.

Change can also bring about a lack of confidence in our ability to make new friends. Moving to a new community or workplace, our children leaving home and moving into retirement are just some examples where shifts in friendships may happen. As a result, we can feel lonely and disconnected from others. It’s important to remember that new friendships take time to develop. It may take up to a year to establish close bonds with others.

Some strategies that can help us develop adult friendships include the following –

1. Remaining flexible about our choice of friends and being curious about the lives of others. Often our childhood friends are those who are similar in age. In adulthood, we can develop a wider range of friends who have different lived experience or are in a different age group yet we find common interests and views on life. The benefit of having a wide range of friends is the different perspectives, support potential and wisdom we can tap into.
2. Being proactive in reaching out to people rather than expecting to be included, invited and texted. Invite others to join you in activities and be willing to attend events and activities you are interested in, even if that means the first time you arrive on your own.
3. Being approachable to others. You might start by saying hello to people around you and seeing how they respond. Show an interest in others and offer compliments about them as a person. Smile, say hello and introduce yourself. Allow yourself to have no expectations of how these interactions will turn out. Just focus on connecting with others and gradually with each effort you make you will find those people who gravitate to you as potential friends.
4. Once you have established a friendship consciously prioritize staying in touch. Let them know you are thinking of them. Plan for future get togethers. Remember birthdays and dates that are important.

Our friendships with others evolve over time. Some friends stay with us for a ‘season’ or stage of our life. Others become life long friends. The relationship we have with our friends takes conscious effort to both establish and maintain. We also need flexibility to adjust to changes in our lives and the potential impact that has on our friendships.

On a recent trip to the Cook Islands, I met three beautiful older women – Aunty Nono, Aunty Mona and Sisi. Each inspired others with the qualities of a matriarch. They were so caring and generous with their presence. Their influence both within their families and beyond in their workplaces and community was obvious to observe.

You are likely to see Aunty Nono at the Rarotonga International Airport as she welcomes and supports passengers travelling between the islands. If someone needs a bed for the night after missing a flight connection she has available accommodation on her property. Her multigenerational family live in the one simple yet comfortable home. As Cook Island land is passed down through the generations the flower adorned graves of her parents and husband are centrally located in full view from her back door. It’s a beautiful connection to the family’s ancestors and a constant reminder of family values and deep religious faith. The family grow a variety of fruit and vegetables on their land and serve the first course of the Progressive Dinner Experience offered through several local homes on the main island.

Aunty Mona is the heart of the hospitality area of the Pacific Resort Rarotonga. She greets all the guests as they make their way to breakfast. Asking about their stay and plans for the day. Aunty Mona is a wonderful multitasker. Able to spot an empty table to be cleared by her young staff while also speaking to guests and helping them make dinner reservations. She ensures the smooth operation of the restaurant each day with ease and mastery. Something I’m sure she has gained from years of experience. Aunty Mona is the type of woman that leaves a lasting impression on people. We left with some lovely hugs on the final morning of our stay and a photo together to remember her.

Sisi, is just the embodiment of fun. She heralds Happy Hour at the Barefoot Bar at the resort with a long blow of the conch across the beach front of the Muri Lagoon. Then with a smile she calls a loud ‘Happy Hour’ to make sure the guests know the magic 4.00pm reduced beer and cocktail prices have begun. Her personality is infectious.

What makes a woman a Matriarch?

By definition, a matriarch is a woman who rules a family, group or state. Particularly a mother who is the head of her family and descendants. It’s a powerful feminine role.

Traditionally the matriarch role may have had rather negative connotations of someone matronly, the dowager or queen mother. If pictured, she may have looked older than what we imagine in contemporary times. Her influence was felt mainly in the sphere of the family home. Her advice perhaps viewed as irrelevant or outdated.

The matriarchs of today are more likely to be vibrant older women who have had full lives both inside and outside their home. They have lived experience, life lessons and wisdom to share. They cultivate their vitality by staying active and by this stage in their lives are more genuine and authentic as they interact with others. They have a good sense of who they are.

With wider access to news and social media they are more aware of issues in their wider community and the world. This may lead them to take on the role of advocacy in regard to concerns that impact both women and men. In contemporary times, we travel more widely and live beside different ethnic groups giving us greater exposure to ways of ‘doing’ life. This provides valuable information for increasing tolerance and understanding, something matriarchs can reinforce in their families and communities.

Matriarchs support, care for and hold the emotional connections in interpersonal relationships. They keep family values intact and act as the glue that holds extended family relationships together. With greater awareness of mental health, these older women have the time and opportunity to listen and observe those subtle behavioural changes in others and provide the compassion and loving support needed.

A matriarch need not have had children of their own.  All matriarchs have opportunities to provide nurturing and wisdom toward co-workers in their workplaces, in volunteer roles with community organisations, as a special aunt in their extended family and as a loving and caring friend.

The role of matriarch is an earnt one. It’s not automatically bestowed upon us as an older woman. For some women, the later stages of life and the end of motherhood is an opportunity to pursue their own personal dreams. They neither desire nor gravitate to the matriarch role.

Other women use the opportunity in later life to use the skills and characteristics of the motherhood role in a more expanded way. For these women the matriarch role is worth aspiring to. It can offer them a sense of personal gratification and purpose in the later stages of their life. 

Do you remember the first time you visited a new travel destination?  Your senses feeling overwhelmed by all the different sights, sounds and smells. You could barely take everything in. As your emotions swelled the part of your brain making strong memory connections was activated. Storing snippets of impressions and words to make associations with your experience.

Years later, as you look back on that time, you rely on the faded pictures of a photo album as you reminisce. Yet how you remember things is not of the actual experience. Instead it’s a personal lens of the past that you create from the position of who you are in the present moment.

My husband and I are about to embark on a return journey to a place we once visited. We had our honeymoon in Tahiti and now 43 years later we are taking the journey again.

Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash

At the time we were young newlyweds and the islands of Tahiti were relatively undeveloped and naturally beautiful.  Our time was spent at Club Med Moorea where the currency for buying drinks at the bar were small orange beads and during the day the activities director’s call of ‘volleyball’ could be heard all around the central area of the resort. Our accommodation was a simple bure hut which was occasionally frequented by the local wildlife. When we ventured outside the resort the roads were quiet and the local villagers friendly.

As we now recall our first trip we rely on the faded physical photos found in that old album. Snippets of experiences of much younger versions of ourselves. Me, waving to the camera as we prepared to board our flight to Papeete. Photos of the hotels, food buffets and entertainment. Our smiling faces either lounging on the sand, playing group games of tag in the shallow, crystal clear waters or gazing wistfully at one of Moorea’s beautiful sunsets.

This time we return to Tahiti we know will be different.

We are different – with decades of marriage and life experience that separate us from our youthful experience. The locations of mainland Tahiti and its islands will have changed. We expect more development and tourism will make for a different landscape.

We are experiencing Tahiti with a wonderful group of fellow travellers. Meeting on a previous group tour, the friendships we forged on that trip became the catalyst for planning more adventures together. There are so many places to explore in the world that Tahiti was only slightly on our radar for a return visit. Yet when this location was suggested our response was ‘why not’. It wasn’t a lengthy decision.

This time our holiday is more luxurious. We will be travelling in style cruising the Society Islands of Tahiti, Bora Bora and Moorea. Our shore excursions will take us to places we haven’t seen before and provide a multitude of new experiences. We will be freshly baking new memories. Making comparisons with our previous trip while also deepening our impressions as we experience the new.

Revisiting a place from the past can provide a unique experience. On the one hand it holds memories and a sense of familiarity. On the other, it’s an opportunity to experience something differently. The key is to go without expectations of what you will find. Instead allowing things to unfold and new memories to form along the way.