The concept of perfect timing has its wisdom and pitfalls. In life we recognize the years around our twenties as crucial for commencing a career, marrying, and having children. There is societal expectation to leave the security of our childhood and head independently into the world. We desire finding someone to share our life with and perhaps settle down and start a family. As humans, we are biologically at our peak at this time to cross these milestones off our list. Yet the actual timing of these events in our own lives may be quite different from the norm.

Creating perfect timing continues to play a part later in our lives. As we come to our 50’s and 60’s we are faced with the question of when to retire from paid work. Do we travel and explore the world? Is it perhaps time to take the opportunity to downsize into a smaller home or move location when our families reduce in size?

It is often with hindsight that we learn more about whether our timing in life was perfect. Parenthood is a prime example and rarely goes according to our desired plans. The reality of starting early in life with a brood of children may be perfect for one couple yet viewed with regret by another. Looking back on life these couples, or perhaps one partner in particular, may feel they needed further time prior to parenthood and regret opportunities they feel they missed. For other couples, the journey to parenthood takes longer.  When it becomes a reality, it can be met with a long-anticipated sense of joy and personal fulfillment. Alternatively, it can come as a shock and be viewed with trepidation around parenting at an older age.

“Life is a lively process of becoming”.

Douglas MacArthur

With careers, some people find a vocation early in life and see a pathway ahead that opens with opportunities. They stay in the same workplace or profession their entire work life. Others are uncertain what occupation they are attracted to and may oscillate between workplaces and areas of interest in search of what they feel is meaningful work. It is not unusual for people to have various professions across their work life. Some may be due to redundancies and other issues outside their control. At other times it is a dissatisfaction with their current situation and career choice that motivates a change.

The longer the viewpoint we have of our lives the more we have the opportunity to see the patterns of its timing. We can look back at times when we danced between action and inaction. Waiting for the perfect opportunity to change our life circumstances when things were not quite aligned. In retrospect we sometimes see the missed opportunity, the ‘one that got away’ because we lacked the courage to act by procrastinating. At other times we see the wisdom of a missed opportunity where initially we may have been upset and disappointed. Later we find either a better alternative emerges or our lives take a different direction and the original opportunity shows us it was unsuitable.

Ideal circumstances don’t necessarily need to be in place for perfect timing. It is often at the painful times or moments of crisis in our lives that we are motivated to make substantial change. Depending on the circumstance it can be a time of learning the greatest life lessons about ourselves and others. It can also be a time of gaining clarity around what is most important to us in our lives. Without these moments of growth, we may continue to stagnate in life, not truly stepping into creating a life that we enjoy living.

For me, it has taken a reckoning of my own life to achieve what feels like perfect timing. I enjoyed both my career as a teacher and my role as a mother. Beyond the active energy of these roles, I now see a true sense of personal independence and wisdom gathering emerging. It took time and inner reflection for me to step boldly into this phase of my life, but I love it.

Social isolation during the current pandemic provided the catalyst for bringing my perfect timing and life lessons together. My desire is to encourage other women to create their own unique paths in life and emerge confidently into their Wise Woman and Matriarch identities. 

How will you spend your 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and even perhaps your 90’s. If you believe the rhetoric about aging you will presume your life is over once you turn 50. Yet the research does not support this. There are amazing examples to inspire us into action for a happier and healthier aging journey.

Living longer is a relatively new phenomenon. When we look at photographs of people in previous generations, they look much older than their modern-day counterparts. One of the benefits of current times is the medical advances in preventing and treating ailments that would previously have led to our demise.  With the prolific nature of online information, we have more knowledge about remaining active and nurturing our well being. We have more information and access to healthy dietary choices. We believe in the adage ‘use it or lose it’ for both our physical and mental abilities.

The notion of ‘being old’ is a mental perception. If our focus is on negative beliefs such as boredom, failing health, lack of purpose and inactivity; we soon become what we think. Unfortunately, we live in a world that tends to idolize beauty and youth. This makes it difficult for people approaching middle age to accept and embrace the idea of getting older.

Turning 50 may be a watershed moment in time when a lot of people try to ‘stay young’, to do things the way they did before, to follow the same goals, to live with the same values based on the worship of youth. Alternatively, 50 can herald a new stage of life which needs to be explored and redefined. We are among the first of a generation with increased longevity. We are breaking new ground on what it means to get older. 50 may only be the midpoint of your life.

Studies dispute the negative conditioning we have toward aging.  Two distinct age groups score highest on levels of happiness. The first is those in their early twenties who tend to overestimate the possibilities of their future. They believe the world is their oyster and they are invincible. Yet life experiences and responsibilities that follow tend to dampen the over enthusiasm of this age.

It is not until the late sixties that another peak in happiness occurs. This time the elevated score is based on a more realistic assessment of life. A gratitude and acceptance of our lived experience; appreciating the wisdom gained and lessons learnt. It can also be a time when, no longer held down by responsibilities of work and family, people hit their stride. They remember passions and interests they now have time to enjoy. Thankfully, this elevated level of happiness is maintained until well into old age.

A good self esteem is based on accepting the life stage you are inhabiting. Yes, we are still the older generations that inhabit this world. Our images and role models need to be encouraging, inspiring and heart-warming. Younger generations want to know that life can be lived fully through all decades. Russian journalist and photographer Vladimir Yakovlev developed the international ‘Age of Happiness Project’ to highlight examples of finding new interests and purpose in later life. He told stories and photographed older people pursuing their passions, many of them physically demanding. The 78-year-old skate boarder who took up skateboarding for the first time at 65, the 72 year old DJ and the 102 year old cyclist are just a few of the inspiring examples.

Psychologist Eric Erickson identified the late adult stage of life as a time of personal reflection. People can either look back on their life with integrity if well lived, or with despair if they focus on their failures. The following questions can inform our reflection: –

• Have we lived life to the full, retaining good physical fitness for as long as possible?
• Have we accepted life for what it is, enjoying the ‘ordinary’ everyday experiences, rather than longing for an alternate reality?
• Have we contributed to the wider community beyond ourselves?
• Have we continually expanded our mental and physical horizons?
• Have we found a deeper meaning and purpose that leaves a legacy beyond our physical existence?

The years beyond our 50^th birthday will continue to inform our perception of life. If we see this time as valuable and one to embrace, there is an opportunity to continue to lead a life well lived.

An elderly woman has been diagnosed with a terminal illness; she spends her last days in a hospice. As she is met by a visitor, she tells them she is doing quite well. The visitor wonders why despite her obviously being in the end stages of her life she is calm and content. She asks about her illness and realizes she is not living in denial. The elderly woman understands there is only a short time left for her to live. She has a sense of inner peace.

“I am happier now than I ever imagined possible” she responds. I have had a good life, surrounded by those I love. She carefully picks up photographs of her family and reminisces about special moments spent with them. She talks of lasting friendships, fun adventures, and smiles as she recollects everyday moments. Life has had its challenges, but she is satisfied.

Another woman is waiting with her tour group to begin another day. Her morning has been a ‘disaster’. She cannot decide what to wear today and the crumbled remnants of clothing in her suitcase desperately need ironing. She has woken up later than she expected so there is no time to wash her hair. Pulling out the pieces from her luggage she hurriedly dresses and goes downstairs to quickly eat her breakfast.

“I’m dreading the journey on the bus today” she says to the couple beside her. Showing her displeasure with a scowl on her face. They look at her with dismay and wonder why she came on the trip in the first place.

Most of us think of happiness as a reaction to an event, but it is actually a state of mind that has very little to do with what is going on around us.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Life Lessons.

It has always been interesting to me how some people seem ‘glass half full’ and others ‘glass half empty’ in life. Some of the difference has to do with where we sit on the optimism versus pessimism scale of human personality. Each of us has a ‘set point’ on this scale, a bit like the ‘set point’ where our weight is most comfortable and most easily maintained. The trick is to move toward the upper limits of our individual range and encourage others to do likewise.  You can read more in Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.

Even on a tough day or in difficult circumstances happiness remains a choice. Bronnie Ware, author of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, describes the journey she took with a woman called Rosemary. This woman had once been a high-flying executive who gained pleasure from the power she wielded from intimidating others. During the final stages of her life, Rosemary became more dependent on Bronnie as her palliative carer. She continued to use complaint and constant demands from her bed. In response Bronnie through loving care, gentle ignorance and making light of the situation opened Rosemary’s eyes to allowing happiness in. One of the common stories and regrets of the dying – ‘I wish I had let myself be happier.

How do we choose happiness? –

• Develop a practice of regular gratitude for all that you have in life. Happiness and gratitude are deeply linked. It can be the simple things that give us great satisfaction and joy.
• Fake it until you make it. Smile more times than frown, feel blessed more times than complain (although sometimes a good complaint helps to get negative emotions of your chest).
• Observe your negative talk. This can be about yourself and your life circumstances. Write freely how you are feeling then try to re frame your language to a kinder, more positive alternative.
• Set boundaries around others. Do not allow them to dictate your own level of happiness. They may not even be aware that their general conversation and demeanor brings others down. Their negativity may have gained them attention or sympathy in the past. Share a different perspective and with love give them insight into how their behaviour impacts you.

I hope that when I come toward the end of my days that I am more like the first woman. Having a perspective of deep gratitude for what has transpired in life. Reminiscing on both the joys I have experienced and the lessons I have learnt. Leaving this life with love for those I was deeply connected to. Content and happy.