When you think of aging well, is your focus on maintaining a youthful appearance and physical vitality or does it mean much more to you? Susan Sands PhD in her recently published book The Inside Story describes three factors that research has demonstrated are vitally important to flourishing in later life. These include maintaining our social connections, finding meaning and purpose and cultivating wholesome emotions such as gratitude.
We are living longer. We’ve added thirty years of life expectancy over the past century and these years have all been added to the latter stage of our lives. We spend a longer period of time living beyond active parenting and paid work. This has created a meaning making challenge of deciding what we do with the additional years we have been gifted with.
Prior to stepping into this phase of our lives we have been busy. Multi-tasking home, family and employment responsibilities. Striving to successfully raise children and mastering our professional careers. Paying off mortgages and staying on top of our bills.
‘We work like crazy during the middle stage so we can finally retire and do what we want’
Susan Sands
Yet our dilemma may be deciding the framework of these years. The people we desire to be and the life experiences we plan to have. Psychology professor, Laura Carstensen, describes a life-span theory of motivation that views aging as an increased opportunity to focus attention on emotionally meaningful goals and activities. It’s as if we finally realize the finite nature of our lives and decide to act accordingly.
She even suggests we take a much slower pathway through life. Using the first forty years to devote time to our education and apprenticeship to our careers so we can maintain a healthier balance in raising our families. This would allow people to devote more time to full time work later in life in the middle years. Eventually easing our workload to retire later in life if we choose. Even then, we can make valuable forms of contribution to those we come in contact with.
It will require society changing its view of aging to enable a more positive view. To value the gained wisdom and knowledge acquired by elders and ensure they are active contributors to the well-being of others. In turn, their personal happiness also increases.
‘Genuine happiness does not come from your life’s circumstances e.g. having the perfect family, job, good looks or wealth. Instead it is about who you are and what you do.’
Martin Seligman
How do we foster those qualities that help us age well?
Social Connection –
- Once we reach midlife it is often a time of unravelling our lives and also our relationships. It can be a time where new friendships form as we move from being parents and workers to the next stage of our lives. Even if some of those roles remain, they often evolve. For example, working part time, consulting or volunteering with different organisations, becoming grandparents rather than parents. This is a time that some of us travel more or relocate. Each time meeting new people and naturally loosening the bonds with some of our previous connections. It’s important to deepen new relationships and also stay in touch or reconnect with some of our previous friends.
- Transitioning to a new life stage may mean having periods of feeling isolated and lonely. Look for interesting activities to do. Choose some that provide regular social connections through the week. Others can be less frequent outings that you can anticipate with pleasure.
- Fostering connections sometimes involves getting out of your comfort zone to ‘show up’ at social events or activities. Create opportunities to engage with others or join groups that interest you. Work out whether you are a person who prefers deep connection with one or a few others; or enjoy the energy and buzz of mingling in larger crowds. Honour this personal preference in the types and duration of interactions you plan.
- It’s also important to balance social connection with time alone to pursue your creativity and interests. Now you can be less focused on the clock and more immersed in what you enjoy doing. Often these solo pursuits lead naturally to interactions with others who share the same interest.
Finding meaning and purpose
- As humans, we gain deep meaning from the roles of raising children and through our work. It can be daunting to step away from these roles and to find new perspectives in regard to our purpose in the world.
- Ikigai – The Japanese Secret of a Long and Happy Life written by Garcia and Miralles makes the strong connection between having a deep sense of purpose and contribution and living longer. We each need a reason to get up in the morning and where we may find it is in examining our personal qualities – what we are good at, those things we love – our passions and interests and what the world (or even our small slice of it) needs which can become our mission. Having the confidence to share our unique gifts with the world often opens up additional opportunities for connection and contribution.
- Life will continue to challenge us and be stressful. This isn’t a negative thing as often the hurdles in life motivate our action and when we are not overwhelmed can contribute to our sense of vitality and self-reliance.
Cultivating Gratitude
- Dr Rick Hanson suggests gratitude can be a daily practice of appreciating the ‘ordinary jewels’ of our everyday life. These can include the roof over our head, enough food to nourish our bodies and experiencing love and care in our relationships. We can be grateful for others who contribute to our physical and emotional well-being. Find ways to acknowledge and show your appreciation.
- Gratitude is strongly linked to our sense of happiness. It also lifts our mood, increases life satisfaction and helps us build resilience. As we age, research has shown we also tend to become naturally happier. Perhaps part of this is being able to see a wider, more balanced view of life. With experience we can appreciate the sweet moments without denying or minimizing the bitter experiences endured. We see the life lessons and personal growth that may have occurred during our more difficult times.
- Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret and guilt. Rather than focusing on either the ‘poor me’ or ‘those bad people’(blaming others) stories that ruminate in our brain we can pause and notice what we are saying to ourselves. It requires being in the present moment, basically accepting life as it is and asking instead ‘what should be done from now on’. It is impossible to go back and rewrite the past. Acceptance and finding courage to seek happiness going forward is a good strategy. Read more about this in the book The Courage to be Happy (Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga).
- To reap the rewards of gratitude make it a regular practice. It is also important to delve more deeply into what we are grateful for. The first step is placing awareness and attention on a good fact about your life. Take it in with your senses and feel the natural emotional responses surrounding the thought. Notice the details and stay with the moment of appreciation for a while longer. Repeating this practice regularly will help the habit of gratitude grow in your life.
- Gratitude is not just about ourselves. It should also be extended to feelings of happiness for the wonderful things in the lives of others. This helps us overcome jealousy and envy. Unhappiness and suffering come from comparing ourselves and our lives with others.
- What may help is realizing we are only getting a glimpse into people’s lives. Others may seem fortunate, blessed with relationships or material possessions we don’t have. Yet we rarely know the challenges and pain they may also be facing. Much of what happens in our lives is the result of a vast network of causes which we have little influence over. Each of us are travelling along our own unique path in life. It’s helpful to shift the focus back to the things that are good in our own circumstances.
All of us, if we are fortunate, will inevitably age. Seeing aging as a wonderful gift of additional years can help us focus on doing the task well. It requires active steps to stay engaged with life and each other. To care for not only our physical needs but also our social and psychological needs. This will allow us to continue enjoying each day and to make valuable contributions to our world.
