Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

You are here: Home / Archives for Connection

The Invisible Women – Disengagement on Social Media

by

I began writing a blog for women – Healing the Matriarch, in the stillness and isolation of the Covid 19 pandemic. It became a way for me to find my unique voice, gain clarity around my personal journey and pay it forward to other women. As part of my emergence I also established a social media presence on Facebook. A page for the blog posts to be visible and a private group community for women to engage within.


Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

It has been an interesting journey and one that has given me an insight not only into my own life, but that of women in general. One thing I have noticed is the lack of older women engaging on social media. I say the word, engaging, as what I see is women observing and reading the posts of others, perhaps a like or love emoji here or there. They are not fully engaging with their friends on newsfeeds, on pages or within groups. There are exceptions of course, as I am part of some interesting groups. Some spaces I engage in more than others, but if I have something to offer to a post I try to thoughtfully contribute.

So, what is going on here? When I speak to women face to face in my physical community they tell me they are reading my blog. That usually surprises me as I am not seeing the numbers of women who are quietly observing and reading translate into comments on my posts. The private Facebook group I established is slowly growing, but an equal number of women have been previewing the content. This has not translated into either accepting or declining my invitation to join the group. I think to myself, maybe it shouldn’t matter as I am more interested in quality over quantity connection. Yet at times it can feel like a one-sided relationship where I am investing the most energy. In a real-life interaction this imbalance can be hard work.

It brings me back to the question – So what is going on here?

Women can be each other’s worst enemies. The insecurity a woman feels comes from previous experience of being judged or criticized by others. It may be around a behaviour, a relationship, or an opinion. This has worked to cause women to retreat from engagement fearing ridicule or worse. At times, we have forgotten to step in each other’s shoes and show empathy and compassion. We can say or do something that hurts another woman, often without realizing. The only solution is to keep communication open. To speak up when something hurts us and resolve these hurts with each other quickly. A liberating move. Without it, the courage to step into our own authenticity and self-acceptance is a tall order.

Women have lost their voice – In childhood, a woman may have been told to stop talking and go and play away from their parents. They may have received the message that they are to be unseen, unheard and have little to contribute to conversations. As a teacher, I saw little girls asserting their personalities and voices, yet sometimes they quickly learnt what is expected and later uncool in their friendship groups. As they bloom into young women, are their voices equally heard in their marriages and workplaces?

My heart goes out to women in their adult years who squander their potential because they don’t see it in themselves. We need to lift each other up, notice and acknowledge the wonderful gifts and talents we see. We also need to give each other permission and confidence to say, ‘This is me, this is my story’. Not so much in the voice of a victim, more as a heroine who has overcome the odds. To allow each of us to inspire others and in turn be inspired.

Women are overwhelmed – Many adult women have way too much on their plate. They juggle relationships, work, and family without often taking a break. As women, they are emotionally and physically invested in their roles. They also feel the judgement of their ability to perform this juggling act on a regular basis.

When it comes to the end of the day they are often too numb to do anything other than a quick scroll of social media or interesting articles. They are afraid to add any more layers on their lives, even if the connection, support, or information they may gain would be invaluable for their journey.

Even once women have more time on their hands – past motherhood and work life, they are afraid of the emotional investment of engaging with others. They didn’t grow up with social media, so it sometimes appears complicated and messy. Yet with a little ‘Marie Condo’ to declutter what’s valuable and relevant to them, they can enhance the experience.

What is your opinion or thoughts on why older women are not fully engaged on Social Media? Has your experience been frustrating, uncomfortable, or irrelevant to your life?

As difficult as it seems, if women can find the bravery to share their thoughts and stories, they will find they are not alone. In speaking up and engaging, on social media and in life, they will find their kindred women to share life’s journey. Perhaps the time is right to make space for each of us to value ourselves, become vulnerable, and seek deeper connection.

We’re All in This Together

by

The words ‘We’re All in This Together’ are the title of a popular jingle making its presence felt on Australian television and in the psyche of the Australian people. Among the lyrics of Ben Lee’s song are …. ‘Woke up this morning, I suddenly realized, we’re all in this together. I’m made of atoms; you’re made of atoms and we’re all in this together’. Yes Ben, we certainly are. The recent months have highlighted the collective need for us to work together to fight this virus. Unlike pre-Covid times when it was more possible to look at life through our own choices, now no man (or woman for that matter) is an island.

Photo by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash

‘We’ refers to everyone – even those who are well, in other states of the country which are less affected, or not in a risk group. We are making our decisions based on a sense of protecting our whole communities, particularly those most vulnerable, rather than from our personal preferences or comfort level. One significant change is that people are increasingly wearing masks when it is difficult to maintain physical distance. In one of Australia’s major cities, Melbourne, it is currently mandated that masks are worn in public with strict penalties for non-adherence. There has been social backlash against the anti-mask fraternity and others who are putting their own interests and agenda before the safety of others.

The ‘All’ refers to everyone – those directly affected and those affected by the mere fact that this virus loves to move from one person to another. Our communities and economy are deeply connected so we are all impacted in some way. This virus thrives on the community being out there mingling closely with each other. Its only objective is to spread through our active, engaged lives.

“Alone, we can do so little; together we can do so much”

Helen Keller

In a time when community connection is more difficult, it is definitely most needed. The longing we have for connection with each other in the world has been deferred. Perhaps our greatest current lesson is in how to restore a sense of community in a different, yet meaningful way.

We are social beings. We need one another to thrive and do this journey called life. Our previous busier existence had anchors that kept us connected to one another. Socially gathering for meals in restaurants, exercising in gyms and on ovals, attending live events in groups and a variety of other communal activities. As a by-product, they were opportunities to help and befriend each other.

Gathering together allows us to support one another in valid ways. To assist our ability to feel hope, providing opportunities for personal growth and planning for the future. Community also motivates us towards acts of love and kindness and the opportunity to encourage one another. In a group we are able to see the bigger picture or story of life beyond ourselves. To reach out to the wider world and assist in its ongoing creation.

How can we do this in safety? Online communities have certainly flourished since the beginning of Covid. These have provided the opportunity for continued learning, support, and connection. Many of us, of all ages, have increased our virtual connections with both loved ones and acquaintances. For others, who are not familiar with the technology, this has posed a challenge for remaining connected.

Where possible, people have gathered faced to face. This has become a new frontier where we are all more vigilant with signing into venues, using hand sanitizers and keeping social distancing. Life has been able to continue in a somewhat new form as smaller gatherings take place. With our loved ones, we need to trust each other to adhere to these hygiene and distancing measures, as we move between the wider community and our more intimate homes and relationships. It is there that our hugs and nurturing touch reside

The Covid pandemic has created a lost sense of what community once meant.  We are now required to be more conscious in how we connect with the wider world. Yet our daily actions and choices are the key to moving forward toward the future. The stronger our love, concern, and respect for jointly working together, hopefully the quicker we can return to the physical community connections we so desire.

Having Difficult Life Conversations

by

Throughout life we are involved in conversation with others. The gravity of our conversations depends on who we are speaking to and the subject matter discussed. We use conversation to inform our ideas, opinions, and understanding of the world. It also allows us to share our perspective of the world with others and hear an alternate view in response.

For those we are closest to, the conversations we have hold greater importance. There are times in our life when ‘future’ conversations arise – deciding where we might live as we age, how we can continue to care for each other and what remaining life wishes and desires we have.

How do we prepare for these more difficult conversations?

Photo by Jeroen den Otter on Unsplash

Initially we need to solidify our own current viewpoint. This is our personal work. To clarify our own thoughts, emotions, and attitudes to a possible future scenario. It might require gathering information that is relevant and important in our own circumstances. It may also require speaking to professionals in the area of specific decision making – estate planners, financial advisors, life style villages etc. Look at a variety of options – see what they are.

Once you have some clarity it becomes time to broach the subject with those directly involved. This can feel like a nerve wrecking experience as often there is concern about how the information will be received. Know that clarifying your own thoughts has let you prepare.

Use tiny steps in the initial conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it?’ This allows for a gentle lean into an important conversation and also gives the other person time to process their own thoughts about what you have raised. When it is time to chat, allow for the time and space for discussion. Difficult conversations should not be rushed as they have the potential to be emotive. Try to limit distractions such as phones and other people overhearing the conversation.

As the conversation evolves, see it as a potential gift of sharing you give each other. Allow for plenty of space, in the form of silence, between what is said. This gives the opportunity for each person to process their thoughts and gather their responses. It is important to encourage time to be the one who is speaking, with time to be the listener. As tempting as it is to interrupt and share our view, it is important to allow each person to respond as fully possible.

Be open to flexibility.  A conversation may bring up strong emotions. Allow the person experiencing them the opportunity to express these, particularly if it is sadness or grief. Coming to their aid, to avoid our own discomfort, may stifle full expression and emotional release. Just be there and allow space for the emotion to flow. This is an important cathartic step in progressing with both the conversation and any subsequent decision making.

If decisions are made in the course of the conversation, see them as a guideline rather than a directive. Allow for changes of ideas to occur as the conversation continues to be processed. It is quite likely that follow up conversations will be necessary. The groundwork is done. Future conversations can build on what is established.

Having the difficult conversations with those we are close to is important. The alternative, which may be familiar, is leaving things unsaid. In instigating a conversation, particularly as we age, we give the opportunity for honest discussion about what matters. We can share memories, verbalize our love and concern for each other, and consciously work out ways to advocate each others’ wishes and desires in life. Keep open to the need for difficult conversations. The rewards can override the angst of speaking the first word.

Behind the Mask

by

People wear masks for a variety of reasons. We can wear a mask in its physical form, as we are now encouraged to during the pandemic. We can also figuratively ‘wear a mask’ in presenting a false self to the world.  Masks come in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours, and materials. Their uses are varied. They keep us safe from the spread of the virus, to create a mystery to our real identity, to cover disfigurement or even as a cream applied to the skin to cleanse our faces.

Photo by Pille-Riin Priske on Unsplash

Currently in Australia, one of our capital cities has recently mandated mask wearing in public. Other states in the nation are waiting for the possibility of following suit. It has been six months today since the first positive case of Covid 19 in Australia. A journey of unprecedented change and unpredictability for our population

“Our face masks may hide our cheerful smiles, but not our determination to get on top of this”

Cameron-Hill and Yates Seminars (Melbourne, Australia)

The effect of wearing a mask

When we wear a mask either over our eyes or mouth, our face is partially covered. Our identity is slightly disguised and remains mysterious. The allure of a mask at a masquerade ball gives the enticement of a stranger, even though we may know the person’s identity behind the mask. In the current pandemic, community wearing of masks creates less allure and more a sense of social and emotional distance.

Facial expressions such as the crinkle of skin around our eyes when we smile or the movement of our lips as a grimace or surprise are hidden behind the veil of a mask. We are partially disguising both our identity and our emotional responses. Whether it is a cheerful smile, frustration at others who fail to take the pandemic seriously or sadness at the losses we grieve to our previous way of life, our emotions are partially hidden.

We use 43 facial muscles to create the expressions that mirror our emotions. If anxiety causes us to avoid eye contact with others, we may miss the covered subtle signs of not coping with this ‘new normal’ existence. Without seeing our whole face, our eyes become paramount indicators of our inner well-being.

Our voice can also be disguised as it becomes muffled under the fabric of a mask. We appear to mumble if we don’t speak loudly and clearly. It is also clasped firmly around our mouth making it more difficult to breathe and uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time.

Why do we choose to wear a mask?

In our world right now, the primary reason is for safety and protection. Although we have been receiving mixed messages around the effectiveness and necessity of wearing a mask in our daily lives, they are a vital armour for health care workers who deal firsthand with positive Covid 19 patients.

The conversation around mask effectiveness has focused on the concern they may give us a false sense of security and a complacency around our behaviour. Our other defenses of hand washing and physical distancing are meant to work in tandem with a mask.

Masking our true identity

It’s not necessary to wear a piece of cloth across our face to figuratively wear a ‘mask’. In this sense, it is living without showing our true identity or authentic self. We can all be capable of this type of behavioural response. Like a chameleon, showing different versions of ourselves in different settings. When we are out in the world in our jobs and relationships a false persona can emerge. It is not until we are safely at home in our secure, known environment that we can truly take the ‘mask’ off and be ourselves.

The mark of a good sense of self identity and worth is to behave authentically in the world. To be comfortable to show the person we are without covering the details. This requires both vulnerability and courage. Begin with those closest to you, those you can trust. In being completely ourselves, we allow others to feel safe enough to be themselves too.

Masks have become a vital accessory to our current Covid 19 journey. They have lessons to teach us about who we are and what we may hide from the world. Whether we are wearing a physical mask or our face is exposed, it is important to show our true nature with others. Only when we feel comfortable to come out from the behind the mask, sharing our thoughts and feelings, can we really connect with and support each other at this time.

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  

Archives

Blog Categories