Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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Finding beauty and purpose in the broken

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The Japanese art of Kintsugi (golden joinery) is a beautiful reminder of life’s journey. When a treasured piece is broken it is lovingly pieced back together using lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold. The purpose is to honour rather than disguise the history of the object. The finished work is often more striking and valuable than the original.

Our lives are imperfect. There are often deep challenges that force us to feel a sense of brokenness and despair. The longer we live, the more likely we are to face life events that make us feel an affinity to these broken pieces of pottery. We may have faced the death of a spouse or loved one, the ending of a long-term relationship, a physical illness, or a deep sense of disconnection with the world.

Living life this way feels inwardly painful and makes us question our sense of belonging and purpose. The life we have known is either shockingly taken from us or slowly disintegrates into something we no longer recognize as healthy for ourselves. In this moment there is the possibility of re-crafting and reconstruction.

“Awareness is the first step in healing.”

Dean Ornish

Each piece of our life that is ‘broken’ tells a story of the past. Some pieces hold sadness and regret for mistakes and decisions made. Others are a source of joy and inspiration. Like a mosaic lying before us, it appears broken beyond repair. Emotionally this often feels like a sense of emptiness, frustration, and anxiety. While the pieces are broken our sense of wholeness and security crumbles and life feels challenging on a daily basis. The outside worlds seem oblivious to our pain.

The beauty of the broken pieces is in the possibilities ahead. We need to take on the purpose of the Kintsugi craftsman to lovingly take the first steps to restoration. Healing the broken parts and piecing together a renewed structure. We can long for the past or regret how we hoped life may have turned out for us. Yet taking this stance leaves us in the predicament of remaining in broken pieces.

Author and psychologist, Martin Seligman, describes the term post-traumatic growth in his book Flourish. The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been widely acknowledged as a diagnosis following traumatic life experiences. What Seligman and his colleagues also found was that these experiences can be an opportunity for growth. Particularly in the areas of building mental toughness, character, and strong relationships with others through adversity. In this sense, what does not leave us broken can make us stronger individuals.

I know in my recent journey of healing, starting with physical wellbeing and security was paramount. The small incremental steps to build my sense of self mattered. Part of that journey was in taking time for solitude and reflection. To spend time nurturing myself through walks in nature, exercising, journaling, and self-care. I looked for positive affirmations, courses, podcasts, and writings that rebuilt my sense of being.

The journey was also one of relationships. I was able to establish and re-establish beautiful connections with others who held me lovingly along the way. As I learnt to express myself more authentically, I found my kindred spirits on this journey. These people have become my guides and sources of inspiration.

I have learnt some valuable lessons: –

  • The first is that we need to individually choose what is best for ourselves. What has worked for others may not be right in our situation.
  • We hold the impetus for our healing. It will have its own timeline and unique course. It will often feel like two steps forward, one step back and what emerges may be what we least expected.       
  • The pathway to wholeness is better made in connection with others. People who can support and nurture us as we heal. So, find your ‘gold artisans’ who can help guide your journey.

As the resulting product, we can become stronger and more assured. Able to make informed decisions and move in life with more purpose and contentment. We may not quite resemble the person before our brokenness, yet what we recreate can be a wiser and more beautiful version of ourselves.

The Power of Our Story

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Imagine you were able to hold the book of your own life in your hands. It has a unique cover that clearly depicts the colours, textures and words of your existence. The chapters within symbolize you and your life journey. The title of the book would represent why you are here. The pages within give the context for what you have come here to learn, create and share with others.

Each chapter is unique. It has its own title that encompasses a specific period or event in your life. Some of the chapters are filled with happy moments and others you would rather cross out sentences or tear out pages. If not, you would dearly love to rewrite them from a new perspective.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The story has paused just at this moment in time where you currently inhabit. The person you see in front of you has lived the chapters before and is a representation of the culmination of all those life experiences that are uniquely yours. The past has informed who you are, yet each day is the opportunity to write a new part of your story.

Our stories are carried in our bodies. They come to us from our earliest recollections as the processing of events in our lives. They are our perceptions of the world and come delicately attached with emotional energy and memory. Our earliest stories are often written within family, our first teachers. Beyond are the cultural and community influences that shape our view of the world.

Each time we retell the story of something that has happened in our lives it is delicately edited. Surprisingly as we tell some tales of life the emotional memory surges through in a deep well of love, hurt or grief that springs from our heart, or tears that drop from our eyes. At the time we may be surprised with the vividness of our emotional response. It does not seem to matter if the event was long ago, the emotions can vividly resurface.

On each telling the story transforms anew. Parts of our recall from the moment of experience remain, while other parts become embellishments of deeper understanding framed from our life experience. We may feel the need to retell the story many times to gain further clarity or to change our perception. When a story keeps us stuck in a moment in time, we need a prompt to search for alternate memories to balance our recall and strengthen resolve to move forward. If our story is part of a larger picture it needs the validation of others for this to happen. As we hold the collective stories of struggle, hurt and grief we give each other the opportunity to recalibrate earlier chapters of our life journey.

How wonderful it is to hear each other’s stories. There are benefits for both the speaker and listener. For the speaker it is an opportunity to take what is in their mind and body – our thoughts and feelings and process them aloud. It is also the opportunity to be validated and receive insights from others. For the listener, it is an opportunity to know the speaker beyond the surface of everyday conversation. We may get the chance to understand and appreciate their underlying perspective.

If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘What is his story, his real, inmost story? – for each of us is a biography, a story 


Oliver Sacks – The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

Words are powerful. When they remain within us as ruminating thoughts, they have the potential to harm us. The anxiety and depression that we feel often comes from the shame of not wanting to burden others with our inner world. Yet if we can break through the insecurities of shame, we may find that as we speak up, we are heard and understood. Even if our experience feels unique to us when we share it with others, we find they can often relate in some way. We each hold stories of love, loss and belonging.

There is something unique about telling our story. To speak our journey with each other is more powerful than reading the biographical words on a page. In the retelling of our life experience we continually re-frame who we are and why our lives matter. The stories of our lives remain lovingly imperfect. We ‘rewrite’ them each time we retell them. A beautiful opportunity to process our past and newly inform our future.

Hope for Transformation

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Our granddaughter who is thirteen came home from school yesterday complaining about being unfairly treated by one of her teachers. After some further conversation it was evident that the teacher was using an exercise to favour some students over others. This was subtly highlighting the nature of powerlessness and prejudice in society. A topical teaching amid the current painful and confusing times surrounding the death of black American George Floyd.

George Floyd was the straw on a camel’s back that has carried the load of injustice and lies.

Caroline Myss – Author

To her it was unfair and unjust that the teacher had played sides. Her teenage analysis had not been able to look past the surface to the deeper lesson on inequality below. As she chatted with us, her mother and grandmother, we were able to share a larger context on the issue. How there are those in life who have privilege and those who struggle to find their place in this world. Although we may have been created equal, life doesn’t necessarily give each of us equal opportunity, resources, or voice.

Something I took away from that intergenerational conversation is that my years of experiencing life gave a richer perspective to our conversation. Yet as an elder adult I am feeling the energy of a total collective imbalance that has occurred in this instant. There are many questions and understandings that I am grappling with right now.

As I watch the news, tears well as I hear the family of George Floyd plea for peaceful protest amongst the violence and property destruction perpetrated by a minority. Here is a man who had a family, a daughter who will not have her father for the important guidance and occasions in her life. The human story thankfully is being told amongst the media saturation.

We also see police officers kneeling in solidarity with the protesters. They know they are as stereotyped as much as the black American’s who feel rage and anger at this act of inhumanity. The voice we are not hearing is that of the police officer who took George Floyd’s life. Where was his mindset in that instant that he could not listen to the pleas of those around him to stop in that moment? What seems small in proportion to the massive outcry in response was perhaps the moment of shocking reality we needed to witness as humanity.

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

How do we start to move forward from this pivotal moment in time? –

  • We need to seek a larger perspective on what has occurred. To ask the questions, to search the history of inequality that plagues our cultural and gender divide. Why is it so important to have the upper hand in a power struggle? Where we see it in the world it has led to great divides and injustice between fellow human beings. This imbalance needs to be examined and addressed.
  • Individually, we need reflection. Whether it is through prayer, meditation, or just pure appreciation of the world around us. We need to be more open to the feminine qualities within all of us. To focus on our own well being and nurturing that of others. To revert to the basic needs of love, home, and family. Ensuring these are accessible to all.
  • The change will come from all generations working together. To create within our own realms of influence critical thinking around inequality. Examining what language, beliefs and actions allow this to continue in our communities and beyond.

More than ever we need to come together across our generations. We cannot afford to sit in relative comfort, security and affluence when right before our eyes injustice happens. This brief catalyst may provide the hope for transforming our world. We are truly in this together.

The Lens of Vulnerability

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I thought I was fine. I see that I have been here before. The person who appears to be strong, capable, and coping well with life who is suddenly a beautiful mess of vulnerability. I carry my badge of bravery all too often. The eternal empath, listening ear and helper who finds it hard to reach out and share my own insecurities and frailties with others. Yet inside I feel a level of unrest and weariness from maintaining this false bravery.

We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. 

Brene Brown – Daring Greatly

I am not sure where I learnt this way of coping with life. I imagine it came along in childhood as the developing traits of resilience and adaption. Perhaps I learnt to feel afraid of feeling weak, ineffectual, or distressingly exposed to others. Our culture reinforces living on the surface. The attitude of ‘you’ll be right, mate’ and offering quick fixes to avoid the listener’s discomfort discourages us from sharing with vulnerability. Instead we communicate with each other on a superficial level, while deep inside we feel anxious and barely able to hold onto our remnants of coping. We fear letting our guard down and showing our true, authentic selves with others. Do we fear not being accepted or perhaps being ridiculed?

However, we need to let people see who we are, flaws and all. In doing so we are demonstrating vulnerability in a positive light. We are asking to be seen by others and listened to. To show a richer, more authentic dimension of who we are. In turn, we are also giving others permission to step into their true nature.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Brene Brown, a sociologist who has studied the link between shame and vulnerability, found that those who felt a keen inner sense of their self-worth and belonging also demonstrated the characteristics of courage, compassion, and connection. They were not afraid to be vulnerable with others. They had the ability to openly share their love and reach out to others without any guarantee of receiving understanding or return on their emotional investment.

Vulnerability and courage are skills we need more than ever. Life is throwing some interesting curve balls at us right now. Everything we knew about living has undergone rapid, unexpected change. We are unrehearsed in this new way of being. A life where we are more vigilant and receive less physical support from others. A hug is rare.

We focus on what we feel we can control. Hygiene practices, social distancing and educating ourselves on restrictions and case numbers. This false sense of security can deafen the underlying current of anxiety around potential realities. It is important that we can share with others what is most anxious and distressing for us right now. What are the inner mind stories we are telling ourselves?

In doing so, we may find that our thoughts and feelings are shared by others. A sense of connection, of not truly being isolated from common human responses. At the very least we may find someone who relates with empathy. Someone who can receive our pain in confidence and allow us to hear out loud what is inside our minds.

A special exhibition over the past year at the Rubin Museum of Art in New York asked visitors to anonymously write down their anxieties and hopes. Thousands of people responded – cataloging their secret fears including – dying alone or the possibility of missed opportunities in life. There were also words of hope for the overriding beauty of the world and the possibility of happiness. Observers of the exhibition were able to identify with the inner sentiments displayed on its walls.

There is a caution about showing our vulnerability. It is best done in a relationship that has some history. The person we share with needs to have earned our trust through their actions.

  • In this relationship, the vulnerability is reciprocated by each person.
  • They show empathy, relating to our concerns.
  • They keep our conversations in confidence.
  • The vulnerable moments are seen in the context of our whole personality.

When lovingly received and respected, vulnerability becomes a beautiful skill of connection. When someone shares their inner anxieties and hopes the possibility of being hurt helps open the door to a more genuine, intimate interaction.

April 2026
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