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A World Where Young Children Flourish

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I no longer believe our world supports young children’s healthy development. Mainly because of the incredible strain we put on parents to nurture their babies in a world that is stressful, complex, disconnected and lacking security. My beliefs come from my personal journey as a mother and now as a grandmother. My career as an early childhood teacher has also provided me with a concentrated lens on observing these changes over time.

The isolating task young couples face bringing a child into our current world and raising them is taking its toll. Not only on their own family unit but its impact is spreading out to the wider world. Teachers and others who work with children are noticing it. For each generation, the landscape of childhood and its impact on children’s development is changing rapidly.

Scarily, scientific study is finding the stress babies feel in utero, at birth and during the initial years of their life has potential long term mental health and life consequences (Dr Gabor Mate – The Myth of Normal).

Is there time to bond with parents and explore the world at their own pace?

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

So what is different –

  • According to Dr Mate, women’s health and well-being during pregnancy and birth has been highly medicalized. Obstetricians are focused on medical complications and using convenience to justify what at times is unnecessary intervention. This takes away from women their confidence and natural instinct around what is a natural birthing process.
  • Economic and societal pressures are causing women to re-enter the workforce soon after their baby’s birth. This interrupts the attachment process, parent/child bonding and providing the baby with a firm sense of security around their place in the world.
  • Stress is placed on the nuclear family and the relationship parents have with each other. Their roles of ‘mother’ and ‘father’ become all-encompassing as they try to do what a whole ‘village’ of support would have done in small, hunter/gatherer groups. This dynamic had been normal for a majority of our human history. No wonder young parents are so exhausted.
  • We are now in a world where technology has become a huge distraction and entertainer for children. Those who have developed these platforms and games are conscious of the impact they are having on children’s minds. They are creating long term behavioural and addictive patterns. Slowly inducing exposure with small wins and dopamine hits to keep them engaged. Meanwhile these children are losing social skills as they prefer the company of technology over the more complex and nuanced face to face interactions with others.
  • For parents, social media provides endless comparison and unreal expectations of the experience of parenting. There is also conflicting child development advice from non experts. This causes confusion and lack of confidence for parents around their skills and strategies.

In our Healing the Matriarch Community Private Facebook group I asked the following questions of the members of the group –

  1. What are your thoughts on parenting in our current world?
  2. How has it changed from your own experience of motherhood?
  3. What can we do as older women to support those nurturing our next generation?

What would be your reflections and answers to these questions and can you see any real solutions?

A Possible Solution

What I am noticing more in my own community is the gradual rise of multi-generational connection. Finding regular activities and groups to join that foster real face to face contact between people from all stages of the lifespan. Events and informal gatherings that create space for fun, enjoyment and play together.

Opportunities like this also organically provide space for informal conversations around our feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. These are things we often internalize rather than share. They are also things that we don’t easily identify in ourselves yet are plainly observable by those who hear our concerns. Together solutions can be found.

A recent Zumba class I attended had everyone from a babe in arms enjoying the movement and music in his mother’s arms, children dancing among adults and young adults with various challenges and disabilities being warmly welcomed and included. The class also had its core of older women participants gaining fitness and serving as role models for others about life enjoyment and healthy aging.

Could this be part of the solution for fostering healthy childhood development? Children seeing and interacting with adults, and vice versa. Adults beginning to re-frame their beliefs about each other from personally interacting with those younger and older. Seeing our common humanity rather than focusing on our differences and as a result strengthening our support, understanding and tolerance of each other.

We can create this connection in our neighbourhoods, our communities and in the activities of our week. We can also advocate for change at various levels of government and within our institutions. Those bringing our next generation of children into the world need our wider support and children deserve the best possible circumstances in which to flourish.

The Ripple Effect of Change

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It’s important personally to make sound decisions about our own well-being. Making changes that will positively impact our lives. Usually when we make those decisions, we are not really focused on the impact, or ripple effect, they will have on others. The way they respond to our change can take us by surprise.

Part of helping ourselves navigate a change is believing our choices won’t greatly affect anyone else. We imagine those around us will just smoothly follow us through a change we’ve made or they will adjust easily. That’s not usually the case.

As Brad Stulberg writes in his book ‘Master of Change’ we are misunderstanding how change works. In life, we are always seeking order to help us maintain a relatively constant internal view of life. Yet change doesn’t bring us back to the way things were. It creates an altered state of existence. A new experience of what is ‘normal’. The process takes us from previous order through a time of disorder to a stage of reorder. Life is forever changed. Not only for ourselves but for those around us.

Photo by Alex Bertha on Unsplash

We forget that just as we are uncertain when we instigate a change, it creates a ripple effect of uncertainty for others. Everyone goes through a period of adjustment. It’s also an opportunity for others to make some changes for themselves.

That’s not such a bad thing as changes in life are frequent and normal. Some change is instigated by us, some comes unexpectedly through the changing circumstances of the world and people around us. We thrive on our routines and the normality of our personal ‘comfort zone’, yet a change instigated by someone else can bring us new opportunities, directions and ‘novelty’ which is another thing we humans thrive on.

Seeing the bigger picture of our ripple effect is important.

  • Accepting and respecting how others respond to changes we instigate even if we don’t feel comfortable with the choices they then make.
  • Checking in with others before making assumptions about their responses to the change. It’s easy to read too much into a situation and take things personally. This can impact the relationship going forward.

In the meantime, we can all practice self-care and love through a change. Remembering that how we feel about the situation right now will evolve over time. Our perspective will widen, and we’ll gain more clarity and understanding around the purpose of this change over time.

Don’t Upset My Apple Cart

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In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently introduced an exercise around creating a Vision Board with our comfort zone positioned firmly at the middle. I like to do the exercises alongside everyone as it gives me insights about both the task and myself. Vision boards can be a powerful tool to visualize and manifest new things in our lives.

Putting together my comfort zone circle was a pleasurable experience. It’s filled with pictures and words I associate with gratitude, love, what I’ve accomplished and what brings me fulfillment. It’s also about those moments in my life when I have felt the most freedom to be myself. In a way, its like a snapshot of the positive aspects of my lived experience.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

An expanded Sense of Our self

Kristen Butler in her book The Comfort Zone speaks of the idea that we have an ‘Expanded Self’. When we think of her she is reaching beyond our known and comfortable zone to our dreams and aspirations. This expanded self is living the ideal life we dream of. Filled with peace and contentment. For Kristen, the key to creating what’s possible in our lives is to stretch from what we know and scaffold the steps to change. Her Comfort Zone Vision Board process made sense to me as its creation involved ever expanding circles with those items that we desire that feel slightly outside our current experience in the first outer circle. Other items that feel less attainable sit on a second larger outer circle of the board. The goal is to find ways to bring our dreams closer to our current reality.

What I wasn’t expecting with this exercise was the procrastination I experienced in creating this sense of my expanded self. I kept telling myself that I was fine just as I was and to change that narrative started to feel like I was upsetting my apple cart. There were thoughts of ‘why change anything, if its not broken’. I was satisfied with the status quo, thank you very much. There is an ease and peacefulness in living life in what’s familiar. Previous changes in my life had often been associated with a sense of feeling unsettled and uncomfortable.

Yet another part of me knows that change is always happening in our lives. I was reminded that life would not always be as stable as it is now. I also knew that if I wasn’t in the pilots seat consciously examining and planning the next chapter of my life, that things around me would continue to change and I would have little control over the narrative. If I wanted a sense of control over the process, it needed to be examined.

” When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care” – Pooja Lakshmin M. D.

So where did this mental block come from?

There are two trains of thought I’ve come across about our experience of the comfort zone. Kristen’s, that it’s a great place to live and expand our life from. The other is that living within our comfort zone is a form of fake wisdom. Australian social psychologist, Hugh Mackay, challenges the concept that we as humans thrive on stability. Instead he believes quite the opposite. That humans thrive on the experience of being taken out of their comfort zone. He sees it as the space where we embrace, rather than resist change. We are more productive, stimulated and satisfied.

As humans we thrive on novelty rather than sameness. When a baby or young child encounters something new they show renewed focus and a strong sense of curiosity. While peace of mind is still an attribute we aspire to, its ongoing role is to help us navigate the inevitable bends and twists of life.

So, what can we do?

Use our previous experience – When we are experiencing something new or unexpected we can draw on what is familiar and take it with us into unfamiliar territory. For example, over our life times we will travel. This is a wonderful novel experience filled with different cultures, languages, food and customs. Yet it’s the lived human experience, just in a different location. Often if we go to a new destination we have navigated the transport, accommodation and sightseeing logistics elsewhere so we are not starting from scratch. We can also take our human qualities of respect, courtesy and kindness with us.

Use the experience of others – It is comforting to know someone has set foot in this unknown territory before us. We can gather information and seek mentors who have knowledge. How did they get there? By tapping into the experience of others we can feel supported along the way. We can also read books and articles, join groups to help build confidence and seek out advice from professionals.

Do it our own way – Experience something new in a way that is enjoyable and doable for you. I recently joined a group on a 50 km bike ride. It was something I had been reading about and the images inspired me. The night before our ride I expressed my concern about keeping up with the group who were fitter than I. They took on board my concerns and together we decided to take breaks and enjoy a more leisurely pace. It became an enhanced, enjoyable experience where I was able to extend myself comfortably.

Examine our fears – When we are confronted with something outside our comfort zone it often triggers our feelings of safety. Our negativity bias (based on our fears) hones into what might go wrong, rather than focusing on the potential and benefits of an experience. When that feeling arises take time to do a reality check. Are the concerns based on a previous experience that is no longer relevant? Could the fear you feel be an inner excitement rather than a warning about taking on the challenge.

Wishing for stability, with all our apples safely stored in our apple cart, is realistically not possible. Eventually each of us are confronted with changes that prompt some action. Allowing ourselves to step out of the familiar space of comfort can expand both our sense of who we are and also our capabilities. With our inner resources and those of others we have the supports we need to move forward.

Your Best Life comes from your Comfort Zone

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Do you have a particular part of your home that you feel most at peace and content? It’s the place you gravitate to for relaxation or to create. Is it the kitchen where you love to cook? A favourite chair you like to read in or watch television? Is it outside in your garden?

Our physical home can very much be a representation of our comfort zone. Within our home we are able to be ourselves, relax and find a sense of contentment. It’s a place we decorate with our personal taste and focus on creating a sense of safety and comfort.

We venture out each day to the world beyond, yet it’s so nice to pull back into our driveway, open the door, kick off our shoes and unwind again.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

Our inner comfort zone is similar. Kirsten Butler in her book ‘The Comfort Zone’ describes it as a place where you can feel safe and can express yourself fully without judgement. It allows you to feel uplifted and good about yourself and your life. It’s a very personalized space where you can stay and remain strong, in your power during stressful times.

The lovely thing about our ‘inner’ comfort zone is we can take it with us when we venture out into the world. It’s our safe and nurturing space, our space of inner strength and calm as we go about our day.

When you are inside your comfort zone: –

  • The ‘fight and flight’ response is mostly inactive. This allows you to be in the ‘rest and digest’ mode where you feel at peace and safe. Your body can heal and recuperate.
  • Your heart rate quietens allowing your body organs to go into balance with your heart. A state that helps your organs function more efficiently. This makes the comfort zone really powerful. Its impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing allows you to become healthier and more creative.
  • As individuals we love to learn and experience new things. We like to continually stretch the limits of our abilities and experiences. In that expansion we also like to feel a sense of comfort. If we go too far out of our comfort zone, we lose the benefits of comfortably expanding our sense of self.

The Comfort Zone is a good place to live your life from.

First, you need to feel safe. 

It’s necessary for our survival and as soon as we step out from what’s comfortable for us, that feeling of safety is gone.

The two main elements of safety are creating healthy boundaries and self-care. Boundaries represent your outward-facing needs and preferences in relation to the world. Self-care refers to your inner nurturing. It’s important to strike a balance between the two.

  • Healthy boundaries require you to know what you want and need so you can communicate those desires to others. This is not easy when you are going through lots of change. Remember to pause, feel and name the emotions of your experience. When you feel calmer, ponder from a wider perspective what your current wants and needs may be. Take your time. Observe life around you and tune in to your intuition.
  • Healthy boundaries allow you to give respect to yourself and to ask for respect from others. It is also acknowledging the choices of others and respecting their boundaries. A valuable insight to take on board is that we cannot change others. We can only impact change within ourselves.
  • Self-care requires us to tune into our physical body to maintain its optimum health. It’s also important to be aware of our mental thoughts and beliefs, our emotional state and our connection with the non-physical or spiritual part of ourselves.

Once you feel a sense of safety it’s easier to express who you are.

Self-expression is the different ways you share yourself and your preferences with the world. It helps others know who you are and how to treat you. It helps your ‘tribe’ find you. Those people who enjoy your company and want to spend time with you.

Your self-image plays a big role in your self-expression. It can be positive and empowering, giving you confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem. It can also be negative and disempowering, filling you with self-doubt and uncertainty.

If you are not consciously building up how you see yourself then you will tend to mirror how others see you instead. The good news is you can refine and adjust your self-image at any time. You can appreciate your qualities and feel more comfortable with who you are.

Your self-image also informs your choices and actions. Having a good sense of self lets you be more authentic and express your true nature. In the clothes you wear, the activities you choose and the people you surround yourself with. You can create a life that fits more closely with who you are.

All of this can occur within what is comfortable for you but it’s also true that you can venture outside your comfort zone and explore knowing it’s possible to return to the familiar. Just like you venture out from your physical home each day.

We are always building up a picture of who we are. Let yours be a kind, generous and grateful one.

Enjoying your life from your Comfort Zone

Do you know people that live simply and also feel their life is blessed? Perhaps you are one of those people. The opposite can also be true. The person continually striving for more, without feeling satisfied with what they have.

When you feel safe, comfortable in your own skin and can express yourself authentically it’s easier to enjoy your life wherever you are.

Enjoying your current life attracts more possibilities into your life. Bringing new people, events, opportunities, relationships and moments for you to enjoy. That’s the magic of manifesting.

This is why gratitude and having a positive outlook on life is such a powerful practice.

Expanding from your Comfort Zone

Who we are changes from moment to moment, day to day, year to year. In fact, physically on a cellular level we replenish completely over seven to ten years. We become a completely different person. That also goes for our outward experience of the world. We are a decade older and the life experiences we’ve had mature us into a different version of ourselves.

Really knowing our wants and needs and living authentically with gratitude for our current life is a wonderful start for expanding into desires and dreams we’d love to achieve.

We don’t quite know how those dreams will unfold. You’re not supposed to know the how. It’s impossible to map your whole path at the beginning of a journey. That journey is part of your life experience.

Instead focus on the what and the why. Identify those desires and why they are so personally important to you. Life rarely goes exactly as planned so trust in yourself and the unknown to help things unfold. Just focusing on the next step is enough.

The comfort zone is a wonderful place from which to live. It’s familiarity allows us to be who we are and its always a place we can return to, just like our physical home when we need to. The comfort zone can also be our springboard for the new. We can step out and experiment with different versions of ourselves and our lives. Kristen Butler describes it as intentionally expanding our sense of self. In time that expanded self is our new familiar and we can venture into new terrain and dream again.

May 2025
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