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5 Strategies to Risk the ‘Dreaded Experience’

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Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

  1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
  2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
  3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
  4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
  5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.

You did a Good Job as a Mother.

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For those of us who are mothers, we spend decades pouring a good portion of our lives into bringing up our children. As well as physical needs we cater for their psychological needs – nurturing, supporting, advising and teaching them about life. Loving them and quietly worrying on occasion as they take each step through their childhood and teenage years.

One day they are off. It happens so fast. We realize we’ve done a good job and raised amazing young adults who are forging their own way in the world. We’re proud of them and sit on the sidelines in admiration. Knowing that we’ve had a gentle influence on their upbringing.

Getty Images on Unsplash

But what about ourselves. After pouring our energy into mothering we now feel a bit obsolete. No longer needed. In one sense ‘retired’ from a role we’ve embraced and loved.

Now it’s time to refocus on our own life, dreams and priorities.

It feels awkward at first, yet over time we gain momentum. Our children see us flourish as an individual rather than in the role as their mother. They gain an appreciation of us as a person in our own right. Still with love and availability if they need it.

Motherhood rarely has accolades and monetary rewards. Yet we look back at the importance of our role. Our relationship with our children continues to evolve and change. No matter how old they are, we are still going to be their mum.

‘Your greatest contribution to the universe may not be something you do, but someone you raise.’

Unknown Source

Where are you on that journey and what has been your experience so far?

You might like to continue your reading here –

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

You can join the discussion further in our private Facebook group –

@Healing the Matriarch Community. You will be asked some questions before being admitted. It’s a space for inspiration, questions to ponder and connection.

What Do I Need Right Now

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At any given point in our lives we can find ourselves asking the question – What Do I Need Right Now? The answer to that question changes over time. What we really needed in our childhood and adolescence can be vastly different to our needs as adults, parents and then as we age. Even from day to day, what we need in any given moment can change depending on our energy level, mood and surroundings.

When we are aware of and acknowledge our own needs we come closer to activating the motivation to address them. This is not always easy in our busy and challenging lives. Often women put the needs of others before their own and attach their life purpose, self -worth and value to helping others. Whether its their children, partners, friends, family or co-workers.

Yes, it’s good to be kind and loving to others, but that kindness also needs to be turned inward toward ourselves in a balanced way. Otherwise, we end up feeling burnout and resentful. It’s important that we include ourselves in our circle of compassion and need provision.

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Recognising our Needs

So what are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.

Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.

Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.

The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.

If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.

Competing Needs with those of Others

There are times in our lives when the needs of others take priority over our own. This is obvious when we bring a newborn into our family or a loved one is struggling with illness. In parenting we can get lost in the endless tasks of maintaining a home and family while often also having ongoing work commitments. In later years it can be the competing interests and desires of couples who want to make the most of the precious years they have left to live.

When our own needs go unmet or have a lower priority than others it impacts our wellbeing. One of the first principles of self-compassion is to acknowledge that our own needs matter, that we need to take them seriously and value ourselves enough to ensure we meet them.

It may require some soul searching and really asking ourselves the question – What do I need?  This can be done on a regular basis to ensure we are caring for ourselves, particularly at times of change and challenge in our lives.

‘If we’re kind to ourselves, we’ll do what it takes to be happy. We’ll ask what meaningfully contributes to our well-being and then take proactive steps to make it happen.’

Kristen Neff. PhD
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Advocating for our own Needs

Being a woman in the 21st century has numerous challenges. It seems almost impossible to combine the multiple roles we take on. The self-imposed aim for perfectionism in everything we do has to instead give way to allowing ourselves to feel ‘good enough’ in what we achieve. We also need to create healthy boundaries around what we do and don’t do in our daily lives. Asking what truly matters to us and prioritizing that. Feeling comfortable enough to disappoint those around us when we decline invitations or requests from others that require us to take on more than we can handle at the time.

It’s also important to enlist others to support us more. We can have deeper conversations with our partners around traditional gender and cultural stereotyping of roles and responsibilities.  Our children will also rise to the occasion if our expectations of them are higher.

Nate and Kaley Klemp in their book ‘The 80/80 Marriage’ examine a new model for happier and stronger relationships. Beyond both the traditional gender roles in partnerships and the more recent aim for 50/50 shared responsibility they look to a more equitable and sustaining model.

Their five essential habits of an 80/80 partnership

  • Creating space for connection
  • Doing a radically generous act for your partner each day and paying close attention to your partner’s acts of contribution and appreciating them for their work.
  • Revealing issues, misunderstandings and resentments as they arise.
  • Building structures together to handle the logistics of life more skilfully. Sharing the load of household and family responsibilities.
  • Creating space away from digital distractions. Discussing expectations around device use.

‘Before looking something up or checking your phone, ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to know this, right now? You may be surprised to find the answer is generally no.’

Nate and Kaley Klemp

Identifying and advocating for what we need is an act of self-compassion and crucial for our well being. When life overwhelms us it can be an opportunity to pause from what we are doing and ask the simple question – What do I need right now?

Listen intuitively for the answer as it may take a while to surface. Then take the time to honour your needs in that moment. It may require a small tweak in your routine or reflection on more significant changes to your habits, boundaries or priorities.

The Place of Liminality

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I have recently come across a wonderful word, Liminality. It refers to the place neither here nor there in life’s journey. A place in between. It happens when we are moving beyond familiar life as we know it and not yet experiencing a comfortable new reality. Very much like the cycle that proceeds the emergence of the butterfly. The chrysalis stage within the cocoon can become totally messy as one creature, the caterpillar, dissolves to make way for the transformed butterfly. The chrysalis is neither caterpillar nor butterfly.

Photo by Bankim Desai on Unsplash

In Anthropology liminality, which in Latin means threshold, is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the midst of a rite of passage or emerging significant change. The person experiencing it is in the space of transition where they are shifting from their previous identity, time in their lives and often community of people around them.

That can happen for our children as they progress through their schooling. We often marvel at the totally dependent baby we gave birth to five years ago as they walk through the school gate for the first time. In no time, it’s the high school gate and the emergence of the teenager who seeks identity separate to their family and looks outwardly into the world for their role models.

As adults, it is something we feel regularly as we experience the significant changes of life – leaving school, studying for a profession, changes in our work, relationships and marriage, moving home, becoming and being parents, empty nesting and retirement. As we navigate adult life we are also aging and at times grieving the loss of loved ones. We eventually experience our physical decline and the larger questions around the legacy we will leave behind. Our lives refuse to stand still. Research has found that we will experience a significant change or disorder event approximately every eighteen months or so during our adult life. Something that fundamentally shifts our experience of both ourselves and the world around us.

Brad Stulberg in his book Master of Change talks about the change process being one of order, disorder, reorder. Following change we are not the same person as we were before. In this process life feels stable until we face a time of change or disorder. We get a sense that we are no longer who we were, or who we will be. We are in transition toward our new ‘normal’. We continually move forward and the process transforms us. Over time it impacts how we see ourselves, how others see us and how we view the world around us.

The liminality space is not an easy one to traverse. It’s personally at times daunting and uncomfortable. Those around us notice us changing and it unsettles them. They have a vested interest in us staying the same. The place in between also triggers our need for safety and sense of security. We might take steps forward only to later retreat back to what we know as familiar. This often happens when we want to change a habit or behaviour. Yet the transformation space can be an exciting one, particularly if what we’d like to bring into our life is something that we desire.

“Change tends to unsettle us. It often arrives uninvited, disrupting the comfort of our routine. We find ourselves struggling, treading water as we brave liminality; betwixt and beyond the known.”

Madison Taylor Breathe Magazine

If you find yourself in the liminality space, between the known and new, the following strategies can support your experience: –

Compassion –

When change occurs the first response is to pause. Being in the midst of change can cause our sympathetic nervous system to work overtime. Make space to breathe and get in touch with how this particular change is being felt in your body. What sensations can you feel? What emotions are present? Be specific in your observations and name your emotions as this is a powerful way to move forward. Once you are aware of how you are feeling use a Self-Compassion Break to soothe and acknowledge the humanness of your discomfort. You are not alone as others have experienced what you are experiencing. Give yourself support and nurturing as you would when comforting a child.

Acceptance –

Change is a fundamental part of life. By accepting rather than resisting change it becomes easier to use strategies and plans to move forward with ease. With acceptance it is possible to embrace a new stage of our lives. Seeing what is good and beneficial while also acknowledging its challenges.

Focus on Personal Growth –

The difficult times in life are often when we experience the most personal growth.  Stories in mythology recognize a pattern of stages now known as the hero or heroine’s journey. The individual moves from what is familiar to a personal call for adventure. They can resist it or move forward perhaps finding a mentor for guidance along the way. There are obstacles to overcome and allies and enemies to encounter. Eventually a point of no return is reached and action is required to replace the old life with the new. Each time we go through this process of the hero’s journey we inevitably learn more about ourselves.

Conscious Plans and Actions

We live with both conscious and subconscious desires of what we want from life. The process of manifestation supports us realizing those changes. Roxie Nafousi in her book Manifest 7 Steps to Living Your Best Life believes the first steps to manifesting are in believing you are worthy of what you want to receive and having a decent amount of self-love. I really like her motto ‘fake it until you are it’ which translates into behaving as if what you want to manifest has already happened. It’s a call to action and behavioural change.

It’s also important to get very clear and detailed about what changes you wish to make in life. If it’s a new job – what, where, with whom and what does a typical day look like are questions to explore. You can also get detailed on a potential relationship partner or a new home you are looking for. Manifestation asks you to divert energy with purpose and trust in the universe. Creating a vision board can be a helpful process in honing those things you would like to bring into your life.

Connection   

Sharing life’s journey with those who can understand and empathise with you is wonderful. They may be people going through the same life stage or experience at the time. Those who have moved forward to the next life stage or resolution of a difficult experience can also be useful sources of support.

Rituals –

Liminality thrives on the use of ritual. Taking the time to consciously celebrate and honour the closing of a chapter and ushering in the next. It can be a small but personal acknowledgement of moving forward and beginning to embrace a new part of your life.

The more we navigate change in our lives the more experience we have to draw on. We have experienced the liminality space before, making it easier to develop a tool kit of strategies to support our change process. We know the sensations and emotions of transition. We can also use acceptance, compassion, personal growth through lived experience, manifestation, connection and rituals to guide our journey.

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