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Living with Uncertainty.

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Imagine if when you were born you came with a detailed book of your life. It contained different chapters for the stages of your existence from birth until the day you die. Some people would have a thin book that represents a brief visit in this life. Others would have a large volume describing each decade of their much longer experience. The book would be written with certainty about the future. The details of what lies ahead available to read. The people we will meet, where we live, our career path, if we marry or not, create a family and whether we remain relatively healthy or struggle with disease.

Recently I ask our Healing the Matriarch community members how they would feel about living a life already laid out for them, and most wouldn’t prefer it this way. Yet as humans we detest uncertainty. We’d much prefer our lives to be stable and predictable. We’re not comfortable with surprises we don’t see coming and tend to resist change. Yet the reality is our life is an unpredictable path. We are experiencing things as they happen and there is no glimpse of our future available to us.

Opening that book would be an amazing thing. No surprises to navigate as we’d know what lies ahead. Change would be expected and we could plan it with certainty. Life would be easier to navigate as we’d know when things, either good or bad, were about to happen and in a way could be prepared and plan for them. This may give us less to worry about and the confidence to make decisions knowing a specific outcome for navigating ahead. Having all the details of our lives may also make us live more fully and generously rather than frittering away aimless hours. We’d be forewarned and forearmed to live more healthily, love more deeply and act more decisively when it matters. We’d more confidently ‘get our affairs in order’ as one community member mentioned.

Yet there is a flip side of this coin of certainty, our reality of living life with uncertainty. The pages of our life book open each day with potential, as nothing is yet written on each page. It’s ours to fill with new imaginings. There will still be good days and bad days but life will not be dull or boring because we’d know what’s going to happen.  Admittedly, some days will feel endless as we hold onto worries, fears and sadness. Overthinking our concerns and feeling impatient for the direction life is taking us. Yet other days will provide magic that we’ll try to savour and remember with delight.

Living with uncertainty asks us to step out courageously and adventurously. Widening our life view to endless possibilities rather than allowing us to focus on the small details of our existence. It becomes a world that is awe inspiring and fosters an appreciation of our self-made growth and personal development. Even if life is going pear shaped and everything feels broken, the reality of uncertainty is that its an opportunity to reinvent – everything becomes up for grabs.

Increasingly we learn to accept and surrender to what is happening in our life, rather than focusing on how we expected it to be. In reality our life is imperfect and messy. A characteristic that makes us more vulnerable and likely to reach out to others for support when we need it. When life challenges us we learn so much and develop the kind of wisdom that only comes from our lived experience. We learn to be more humble and less self-important as life shapes us along the way. Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, view life from our unique, personal perspective. One that is framed by our upbringing and the things that happen to us in our lives.

Finally we learn the ability to be compassionate and kind both toward ourselves and toward others. We understand that uncertainty is part of our lives and we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for mistakes made and actions we are not proud of.

A good life is about addressing what arrives each day with a tenderness and openness, and to trust that it is as it should be. The previous chapters of our life story have already been written and we can’t relive them. They have shaped us into who we are today. The gift of living an uncertain life is that we get to create each day and by our actions influence our tomorrows.

Finding Comfort in Solitude

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There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The first one can bring us peace and serenity. The second can make us feel uncomfortable, sad and disconnected from others. Each looks physically the same. We are in our own company. Yet it’s also true that we can feel lonely even when we are in a crowd of people or in an unhappy relationship.

It’s important to recognize which state you are in and reach out for connection and support when you are lonely. Even if you are usually a very outgoing and social person. Loneliness can feel strange and unsettling.

If instead, your moment of solitude gives you a sense of contentment acknowledge that too. Our world and schedules can be busy, so finding time for solitude is a gift to ourselves. A time to be creative, to rest or to observe the world around us more deeply.

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It’s interesting that as we get older, we feel more attuned to the beautiful art of being alone. We are happier to sit in the awkward silences rather than feel the urge to fill them with activity and conversation. Our homes tend to feel more peaceful and become a space where we give ourselves permission to do what we wish, or relax and do nothing at all; without feeling a sense of guilt.

‘I enjoy my own company with a coffee, a good movie, and the freedom to just be. Solitude isn’t about being alone; it’s all about feeling fulfilled and at peace’.

Helen Mirren

The beautiful older women of our Healing the Matriarch Community have this to say about what solitude personally means to them:-

‘I think of solitude as a gift to myself, time to relax, read or watch a movie with no other agenda intruding on my thoughts’ – Ann

‘I prefer to have company around me. They stimulate me both mentally and physically. However I’m learning when I’m on my own to relax and use mindfulness to get me through’ – Patricia

‘I like to curl up with a book and forget about time and jobs to be done’ – Joye

‘Solitude helps me find my natural rhythm and choose activities I enjoy doing’ – Jan

‘I am comfortable with solitude. I enjoy alone time’ – Ruth

‘ Solitude is having the freedom to do or not do anything I feel like at the time’ – Jan

Often when we are surrounded by the busy rhythm of life it’s difficult to find space to be alone. To consciously seek stillness, peace and solitude. Life and technology can distract us and it can be uncomfortable at times to be with our own thoughts and experiences. For younger women, the endless multitasking of family and work life can at times feel overwhelming. Finding solitude feels elusive.

Perhaps that’s why we feel a deeper sense of happiness later in life. We are less likely to feel the months flying by on autopilot and can actually find opportunities for reflection and emotional healing. The more time devoted to solitude, the more opportunity we have to tap into our inner wisdom. Finding space to be mindful and in the present moment.  With practice, creating inner peace and contentment.

‘In stillness lives wisdom. In quiet you’ll find peace. In solitude you’ll remember yourself’

Robin Sharma

Time spent alone supports us in positive ways: –

  • You grow as a person by getting to know yourself. You remember the things you enjoy doing and consciously place them in your daily schedule.
  • You get the opportunity to recharge your body and relax. Moments of peace become possible.
  • You create a space to comfortably express and experience your emotions.
  • You become more resourceful and independent. Learning to rely on your own lens when you make decisions that are personally important.
  • You don’t feel the need to constantly keep others happy.
  • You stop seeking validation from others and increasingly source that from within yourself
  • You don’t feel you have to apologize for who you are, your choices and how you live your life.

As humans we are built for connection with others. Yet it’s also important for our well being to balance that with time spent alone. Solitude nourishes us, replenishes our energy and supports our own needs. It also builds our motivation to connect with others and be better placed to support them.

Tuesdays By Design

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During the years you were parenting and working, Tuesdays had a steady flow of obligations. Time refused to stand still. Once you reach the years of empty nesting and retirement there is more opportunity to design how you experience your life on a day to day basis.

Bec Wilson who wrote the book ‘How to have an Epic Retirement’ has recently posed the question – What does a good day in retirement look like for you? It’s an inspiring question that gets to the heart of what this stage of life is all about.

Lots of planning and preparation in retirement focuses on the long term vision. How much in savings we need in our superannuation accounts, the places we wish to travel, the ‘right’ sized home to live in as we age and how we deal with our health. While these are all important considerations its in the ‘small stuff’ of day to day retirement that truly matters.

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Each day presents us with the freedom to design it based on our interests and needs. Yet even though we have fewer work and family obligations, as humans, we still crave a sense of purpose, structure and connection with others. We’ve experienced that structure as workers and parents. Monday to Friday had its place as a work and school week with particular expectations and priorities. Weekends revolved around family, sport and jobs around the home.

In retirement we are not bound by what day of the week it is unless there is an activity or event we need to place on our calendar. We have choice around the obligations we accept. The lawn gets mowed when we have time, the housework fits in when it suits. One of the first things you might notice when you retire is a sudden forgetfulness of what day of the week it is. They all flow effortlessly into each other.

“Retirement isn’t a holiday. It’s a new kind of Tuesday. The better we get at designing those, the better this whole phase of life turns out to be”

Bec Wilson

If you are already retired from work you are experiencing this new kind of Tuesday. Take an opportunity to think about its structure. Do you have regular activities you enjoy or perhaps a special outing planned? What’s on your agenda for this coming Tuesday?

In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently posed this question. I also extended it to retirees I come across during the activities I enjoy in the week. Let me tell you they are a busy and active bunch. Tuesday for some is about doing an exercise they love – Zumba, Aqua Zumba, Yoga, Gardening, Walking … These opportunities often include an element of fun and connection. Coffee afterwards is a common addition. Tuesdays freed from obligation may also lead to special plans such as a day trip, bike ride or lunch gathering. Some retirees may spend their Tuesdays with grandchildren or elderly parents. Others are busy volunteering and supporting their communities.

If you are not yet retired from work, its useful to spend time daydreaming about what each day might look like. This allows you to prepare well and implement your newly designed week more effortlessly.

Bec Wilson suggests pondering the following questions in designing your days.

  • What time do you wake up?
  • What is your morning routine?
  • Who do you spend the day with?
  • When do you feel most energised?
  • What does rest look like?
  • What is one small joy that would make your day complete?

If you get to retirement and feel somewhat lost you are not alone. You are navigating a new phase of life, plenty of changes and that can feel unsettling. I remember days early in my own retirement where I would dread the boredom and monotony of what felt like a very long day. My husband was still working, so his hours were fully occupied during the day working from home. I needed to feel my own way and find a sense of purpose for this life stage. It involved going back to university and post graduate studies, planning trips and later extended time with my children and grandchildren. I needed to remember the things I enjoyed doing such as dance and yoga and make them a regularly scheduled commitment in my diary.

More recently it has been my love of writing and supporting the mental health and well being of both myself and other women that drives my purpose. I feel a sense of value and contribution in sharing what I’ve learnt along the way. It’s also allowed me to be the most authentic version of myself, something that brings me contentment and happiness.

Sometimes its easier to focus on the big picture of retirement. Yet it’s in designing each and every day to truly reflect who you are that allows you to experience the most satisfaction at this stage of life. There is definitely wonderful inspiration and good role models of living and aging well around us. We can be inspired by what they are doing. We can also hand pick the unique design features of our own new kind of Tuesday (or any other day of the week for that matter).

A Symbol of Commitment

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My husband and I have been married for over forty years. Our wedding took place close to sunset in a small country town church. We were both in our early twenties and had been together for nearly two years. Common sporting pursuits sparked our interest in each other and we quickly developed a close bond.

It was a difficult early courtship as my mother was in the last stages of her journey with bowel cancer. Her death several months after we met thrust us into a quick trajectory between our first meeting, engagement and then preparing to marry. It was exciting to plan our wedding day. Choosing the church, reception venue, bridal party, invitations and guest list. It was not until my wedding day that it really sank in for me that this was the first of many significant events in my life that I would experience without my mum by my side.

Photo by Stacie Ong on Unsplash

I distinctly remember as I dressed ready for the ceremony that a group of my family matriarchs converged around our kitchen table. Drinking, eating and chatting together. Aunts from both my mother’s and father’s side. I imagine they knew the void that would exist for both myself, my dad and my sister on my wedding day without her presence. Photos were taken, wedding rings exchanged, vows spoken and our married life commenced.

Although the beginning of our relationship was quite unique, I imagine it echoes the stories of all who marry. The wedding rings fit on young slender fingers and the vows are made to commit to a life together and the possibility of raising children as a family unit.

For those in long term marriages, we know that the wedding day heralds only the entry point, the first chapter of life together as a couple. The people we are on that day will continually change. Slowly blending our life experience as a unit and also coming from our own unique personality and perspectives.

Things will be brought up in conversation, often expectations we hold of each other which were formed from our childhood family experiences. Conflicts of interest will emerge. Boundaries will be crossed. Disagreements about how things should be done will occasionally surface. The one thing that sticks is the commitment to each other that was made on our wedding day and the rings we exchanged.

‘Your marriage vows are most important in those moments when they are most difficult to keep’

– Dave Willis

Life gets busier and it becomes difficult to keep each other a priority. Children, household duties and work responsibilities fill our schedules. The rings stay on as a reminder, until one day they are taken off. At first, its an excuse that they get in the way. They become a safety issue. Our fingers swell or knuckles enlarge making them harder to wear comfortably. Once we become used to their absence on our finger there is a psychological freedom that emerges. The symbol of marriage and commitment to each other is no longer a constant visual reminder.

Until it’s absence is. We see each other’s naked wedding ring finger and wonder what that symbolizes. Do we still love each other? Are we still exclusively committed to each other? What does it say about the ongoing state of our marriage.

Changes in our own lives often mirror the way we feel about our marriage. The early days of marriage we sense an assuredness that we are loved and chosen. As each stage of our life emerges new challenges arise. It is often at the crucial stages of our adult life – when children arrive, when children empty the nest, when we face health challenges and aging of our parents and ourselves that the real tests of our commitment to each other occur.

There is an upward trend in separation and divorce of couples in their 50’s. It’s usually a time when commitments reduce, the pace of life slows and spouses examine their life as both individuals and as part of a couple. Active motherhood and careers taper off and plans for retirement begin to form. Important decisions about whether to ‘right size’ for the next phase of life surface. Each change challenges our stability.

It’s a critical point in a marriage. For us it became a two year separation. Interestingly enough about the same length as our courtship. What we wanted out of life was too different to accommodate each other’s needs. It was difficult, yet in hindsight essential to what happened next for us as a couple. The possibility of reuniting as changed individuals. Both happier, both finding our individual purpose and ready to move forward together again.

Recently I looked at those wedding rings. The ones that no longer fit me. Symbols of the constriction I had felt at the time we separated. I began to look at how to embody the new stage of our marriage with a physical remodelling of the rings. On a recent trip I purchased a pearl that would be it’s centre piece. Two diamonds from the eternity ring were to remain in the design. The gold was melted and reshaped from each ring and combined into a new wedding band to house the design.

This new ring, which embodies elements and stories from our life together, symbolizes our recommitment to each other. To continue our marriage together, now with a stronger partnership and closer connection to our children and grandchildren.

As I look at young couples preparing for marriage I wonder if they have a sense of what is in store for them. To understand what it’s like to take wedding vows and to implement them in a practical way in their marriage. To exchange rings as symbols of their bond and love. To make a life commitment to each other.

With this ring, I am much older and wiser than the young version of myself when she married. This refashioned ring is a symbol of my life together with my husband, all that we have shared, the heartaches we have experienced and the ways we have supported each other. It is also a strong symbol of who I am as a woman and the personal life journey I have been on.

April 2026
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