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Letting In Positive Experiences

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Have you ever found yourself distracted when something lovely is happening around you? A beautiful sunset, an awe inspiring night sky, a tender moment of connection or when you hear a beautiful piece of music, song or poem. Instead of pausing to really immerse yourself in the present moment, you find yourself elsewhere. In your own thoughts with your mind miles away. Then the moment passes.

Positive experiences aren’t as easy to recognize as something negative. When confronted with something frightening or upsetting it sounds the body’s alarm bells and you feel a visceral response. The senses are heightened and your sympathetic nervous system moves into a fight, flight or freeze response. In contrast, the arrival of a positive experience is softer, quieter and calmer. It can be easily missed in the bustle of life. It relies on you consciously stopping to experience and appreciate it fully.

The wonderful thing is, the more we practice being present with the positive things happening around us, the more we will naturally notice more examples. It has the potential to rewire how we perceive the world around us. Elevating our mood and increasing gratitude for the abundance we have.

‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.’

– Marianne Williamson.

Psychologist and author Dr Rick Hanson uses the acronym H.E.A.L as a process to help us really recognise and take these positive experiences in.

H = Have. The ability to notice something enjoyable and positive is happening. Recognising it’s presence. Making the time to pause and process what you are experiencing.

E = Enrich. Using your senses to fully take in the experience. Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. Creating more neural responses and pathways.

A = Absorb. Staying with the experience long enough to create emotional and physical memories in your body.

L = Link. Fitting the experience into the broader picture of your life. Appreciating that positive and negative experiences are part of being human. Learning to cherish with gratitude ‘glimmer’ moments when they occur. Those small moments that make us feel calm, connected, safe and at peace.

The next time you notice something positive happening, pause long enough to take it in. Think of these moments of personal processing as opportunities to recognise how full and abundant your life is. Your mind and body will thank you.

Making Decisions from the Heart

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Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’ve been faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to clear my mind and hopefully see things more objectively.

Yet I have recently come across another way at looking at the decisions we make. One based on tuning into the wisdom of our own body. It is described in the book ‘Wise Effort’ by psychologist Diana Hill PhD.

Take a moment to ponder the following question –

‘How many times have I said yes to something that my body said no to’.

If you are like most, if not all of us, the answer would be multiple times. Our body usually gives us clues to guide our decisions yet often we ignore them or even sometimes defiantly go against them. We feel the sensations in our gut, the heart wiggles, the held breath or the tight throat. Our thoughts turn to the ‘shoulds’ –  the expectations we have of ourselves or that we feel come from others. It becomes hard to separate ourselves enough to stand within our own decision making space.

Yet when you notice those signs of inner resistance it’s important to get curious about what is going on. Why are they there? Is it because you are stuck in a story that belongs in your past. One of guilt, shame or sense of obligation. Have you become comfortable with the status quo that’s always existed, so you hold tightly to the expectation of more of the same. Or is your reaction avoidance, where you ignore the situation all together rather than open up and honestly examinine your thoughts and feelings.

Dr Hill suggests taking a Body Audit to help us clarify our decision making. We can do that by asking ourselves the following four questions.

  1. Is it a drain or gain at the body level?
  2. Does it align with my core values?
  3. Is saying yes to this decision using my unique genius? (The right decision that will continue with ease and flow as it uses my innate gifts and talents.)
  4. Is this a drain or gain on others?

Imagine this common scenario: – You become a grandmother and your children are keen for you to be a regular carer for their child, your grandchild, while they are working. You have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, yet you also know how physically and emotionally demanding it can be to care for a small child for an extended period of time. You also know that you are not as young and energetic as you used to be. Yet you love your family and want to consider helping them in this way.

Taking a Body Audit

Energy and Commitment

It’s an important time to pause, centre yourself and give room to really consider this decision before saying yes. Go inward and imagine a day in the life of providing grandmother care. Is there a way that you can balance the joyful moments of connection with your grandchild with the sheer energy required. What is the reality likely to look like for you? What strategies can you put in place to plan and pace the day to reserve energy for your own body? Will you have another person there to share the load and provide physical support when needed? These are all valid questions to ask as you decide the level of your involvement.

What you Value

Think about your core values. You will want to embody them both at the time you make the decision and consistently afterwards. Perhaps you value service to your family, supporting them in this concrete way.

It may be helpful to take a wider view of your decision. Imagine in ten years time what the relationship with your family will look like. Can you see it as a close and connected one with your children and grandchildren. One that you will cherish and feel wonderful about. One that creates memories and will be remembered.

It’s also important to look at the wider picture of what brings you fulfilment and feeds your own passions. Does this decision sit comfortably alongside these priorities or are there potential conflicts that could arise?  Will your decision resonate well with all you envisage of your life?

Your Gifts and Talents

Think about what you can bring to this grandparent role. We are all unique. Some are more active, others creative. Some like to cook or garden. Others just love to sing, dance or play a musical instrument. It becomes important to place your own personality and those things you enjoy at the centre of how you see this role. This gives ease and flow to the time spent together.

The Impact on Others

Saying yes to a new obligation or challenge doesn’t just impact yourself. It also has a flow on effect to the lives of others. Knowing that a grandchild is in the care of a loving family member can certainly ease the stress of balancing life for our adult children. Also consider whether the ‘yes’ means that you may have to say ‘no’ to others. Whether that’s time with your partner or friends or other areas of service in the wider community.

Once you have looked at a potential decision through these questions you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Including taking into account your unique circumstances and the impact on both yourself and others. Dr Hill suggests that at least three of the four questions need an affirmative answer to give you the confidence to make a sound decision.

The use of a body audit when making decisions can be a valuable tool. The more you incorporate its four questions into any life choices you make, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your priorities. You’ll also become more curious about those inner signs that can guide your decision making process.

The body audit questions can also be a way to reassess a decision that has previously been made. Our life is continually changing and it’s important to remain flexible to examining whether previous decisions continue to be relevant to your current situation.

Finding beauty and purpose in the broken

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The Japanese art of Kintsugi (golden joinery) is a beautiful reminder of life’s journey. When a treasured piece is broken it is lovingly pieced back together using lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold. The purpose is to honour rather than disguise the history of the object. The finished work is often more striking and valuable than the original.

Our lives are imperfect. There are often deep challenges that force us to feel a sense of brokenness and despair. The longer we live, the more likely we are to face events in life that make us feel an affinity to these broken pieces of pottery. We may have faced the death of a spouse or loved one, the ending of a long-term relationship, a physical illness, or a deep sense of disconnection with the world.

Living life this way feels inwardly painful and makes us question our sense of belonging and purpose. The life we have known is either shockingly taken from us or slowly disintegrates into something we no longer recognise as healthy for ourselves. In this moment there is the possibility of recrafting and reconstruction.

Each piece of our life that is broken tells a story of the past. Some pieces hold sadness and regret for mistakes and decisions made. Others are a source of joy and inspiration. Like a mosaic lying before us, it appears broken beyond repair. Emotionally this often feels like a sense of emptiness, frustration, and anxiety. While the pieces are broken our sense of wholeness and security crumbles and life feels challenging on a daily basis. The outside worlds seem to be functioning along quite nicely without us.

The beauty of the broken pieces is in the possibilities ahead. We need to take on the purpose of the Kintsugi craftsman to lovingly take the first steps to restoration. Healing the broken parts and piecing together a renewed structure. We can long for the past or regret how we hoped life may have turned out for us. Yet taking this stance leaves us in the predicament of remaining in broken pieces.

Author and psychologist, Martin Seligman, describes the term post-traumatic growth in his book Flourish. The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been widely acknowledged as a diagnosis following traumatic life experiences. What Seligman and his colleagues also found was that these experiences can also be an opportunity for growth. Particularly in the areas of building mental toughness, character, and strong relationships with others through adversity. In this sense, what does not leave us broken can make us stronger individuals.

I know in my own journey of healing, starting with physical wellbeing and security was paramount. The small incremental steps to build my sense of self mattered. Part of that journey was in taking time for solitude and reflection. To spend time nurturing myself through walks in nature, exercising, journaling, and self-care. I looked for positive affirmations, courses, podcasts, and writings that rebuilt my sense of being.

The journey was also one of relationships. I was able to establish and re-establish beautiful connections with others who held me lovingly along the way. As I learnt to express myself more authentically, I found my kindred spirits on this journey. These people have become my guides and sources of inspiration.

I have learnt some valuable lessons: –

  • The need to individually choose what is best for ourselves. What has worked for others may not be right in our situation. We can be inspired by others; while also recognising in the end, it is our job to take action to create our own path forward.
  • We hold the impetus for our healing. It will have its own timeline and unique course. It will often feel like two steps forward, one step back and what emerges may be what we least expect.                                                                                           
  • The pathway to wholeness is better made in connection with others. People who can support and nurture you as you heal. So, find your ‘gold artisans’ who can help guide your journey.

As the resulting product, we can become stronger and more assured. Able to make informed decisions and move in life with more purpose and contentment. We may not quite resemble the person before our brokenness, yet what we recreate can be a wiser and more beautiful version of ourselves.

Living with Uncertainty.

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Imagine if when you were born you came with a detailed book of your life. It contained different chapters for the stages of your existence from birth until the day you die. Some people would have a thin book that represents a brief visit in this life. Others would have a large volume describing each decade of their much longer experience. The book would be written with certainty about the future. The details of what lies ahead available to read. The people we will meet, where we live, our career path, if we marry or not, create a family and whether we remain relatively healthy or struggle with disease.

Recently I ask our Healing the Matriarch community members how they would feel about living a life already laid out for them, and most wouldn’t prefer it this way. Yet as humans we detest uncertainty. We’d much prefer our lives to be stable and predictable. We’re not comfortable with surprises we don’t see coming and tend to resist change. Yet the reality is our life is an unpredictable path. We are experiencing things as they happen and there is no glimpse of our future available to us.

Opening that book would be an amazing thing. No surprises to navigate as we’d know what lies ahead. Change would be expected and we could plan it with certainty. Life would be easier to navigate as we’d know when things, either good or bad, were about to happen and in a way could be prepared and plan for them. This may give us less to worry about and the confidence to make decisions knowing a specific outcome for navigating ahead. Having all the details of our lives may also make us live more fully and generously rather than frittering away aimless hours. We’d be forewarned and forearmed to live more healthily, love more deeply and act more decisively when it matters. We’d more confidently ‘get our affairs in order’ as one community member mentioned.

Yet there is a flip side of this coin of certainty, our reality of living life with uncertainty. The pages of our life book open each day with potential, as nothing is yet written on each page. It’s ours to fill with new imaginings. There will still be good days and bad days but life will not be dull or boring because we’d know what’s going to happen.  Admittedly, some days will feel endless as we hold onto worries, fears and sadness. Overthinking our concerns and feeling impatient for the direction life is taking us. Yet other days will provide magic that we’ll try to savour and remember with delight.

Living with uncertainty asks us to step out courageously and adventurously. Widening our life view to endless possibilities rather than allowing us to focus on the small details of our existence. It becomes a world that is awe inspiring and fosters an appreciation of our self-made growth and personal development. Even if life is going pear shaped and everything feels broken, the reality of uncertainty is that its an opportunity to reinvent – everything becomes up for grabs.

Increasingly we learn to accept and surrender to what is happening in our life, rather than focusing on how we expected it to be. In reality our life is imperfect and messy. A characteristic that makes us more vulnerable and likely to reach out to others for support when we need it. When life challenges us we learn so much and develop the kind of wisdom that only comes from our lived experience. We learn to be more humble and less self-important as life shapes us along the way. Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, view life from our unique, personal perspective. One that is framed by our upbringing and the things that happen to us in our lives.

Finally we learn the ability to be compassionate and kind both toward ourselves and toward others. We understand that uncertainty is part of our lives and we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for mistakes made and actions we are not proud of.

A good life is about addressing what arrives each day with a tenderness and openness, and to trust that it is as it should be. The previous chapters of our life story have already been written and we can’t relive them. They have shaped us into who we are today. The gift of living an uncertain life is that we get to create each day and by our actions influence our tomorrows.

March 2026
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