Healing the Matriarch

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Friends for Life

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Do you remember how easy it was to connect with your friends in childhood. You spent your days at school together, eating lunch and playing games between classes. You’d maybe meet each other on the weekends to play sport or spend hours building cubbies or riding your bikes in the neighbourhood. Friendship was relatively easy to maintain due to your proximity to each other. You were also full of energy and going through a similar stage of life together.

Once school days were over, suddenly you experienced the great ‘scattering’. Your friends moved away for education or work (or you did). Relationships formed and over the following decade each of you moved into the next phase of life where a multitude of life choices took you in separate directions. It became harder to stay in touch.

Adult friendship is different to those we had as a child. The responsibilities of life dominate our energy. It requires a much more conscious effort to establish new friendships and maintain them over time. Mel Robbins in her book ‘The Let Them Theory’ identifies three elements that are required for adult friendships to thrive. These are proximity, timing and energy.

Proximity

Living near our friends, so we can regularly organise face to face catch ups, is a major factor in maintaining connection. As much as we have the ability to stay in touch online and through messaging, seeing each other in person creates a deeper experience. We can hold a balanced conversation between expressing ourselves and actively listening to each other. It’s easier to notice the other person’s non-verbal cues such as their emotions and body language and ask relevant questions. It’s also possible to offer physical support and comfort to our friends in a face to face exchange.

Timing

Timing also plays a major role in sustaining our friendships. Brad Stulberg in his book ‘Master of Change’ highlights the need for more flexibility as we navigate adult life. Research has shown that on average, people experience thirty six significant changes in the course of their adult life. That equates to a shift in life circumstances every eighteen months. Examples might include leaving school, starting a job, leaving a job, getting married, getting divorced, having children, losing those we love, experiencing an illness and moving to a new community. With each change our friendship dynamic is also impacted. Our needs and priorities change and we may feel out of step and distant with our current friends. Some naturally drift away from us, yet a change may also bring with it new friendships. Those that are with people who know a more current version of us or the one we are becoming.

Energy

As we experience each of life’s changes our energy can be drained. Even if we are healthy, there is lots of adjustment required. If we become unwell or sustain an injury it can compromise our ability to attend activities where we’d normally meet up with our friends. Illness can make us avoid others and focus our attention inward. The energy for friendship may not be possible at the time.

Change can also bring about a lack of confidence in our ability to make new friends. Moving to a new community or workplace, our children leaving home and moving into retirement are just some examples where shifts in friendships may happen. As a result, we can feel lonely and disconnected from others. It’s important to remember that new friendships take time to develop. It may take up to a year to establish close bonds with others.

Some strategies that can help us develop adult friendships include the following –

  1. Remaining flexible about our choice of friends and being curious about the lives of others. Often our childhood friends are those who are similar in age. In adulthood, we can develop a wider range of friends who have different lived experience or are in a different age group yet we find common interests and views on life. The benefit of having a wide range of friends is the different perspectives, support potential and wisdom we can tap into.
  2. Being proactive in reaching out to people rather than expecting to be included, invited and texted. Invite others to join you in activities and be willing to attend events and activities you are interested in, even if that means the first time you arrive on your own.
  3. Being approachable to others. You might start by saying hello to people around you and seeing how they respond. Show an interest in others and offer compliments about them as a person. Smile, say hello and introduce yourself. Allow yourself to have no expectations of how these interactions will turn out. Just focus on connecting with others and gradually with each effort you make you will find those people who gravitate to you as potential friends.
  4. Once you have established a friendship consciously prioritize staying in touch. Let them know you are thinking of them. Plan for future get togethers. Remember birthdays and dates that are important.

Our friendships with others evolve over time. Some friends stay with us for a ‘season’ or stage of our life. Others become life long friends. The relationship we have with our friends takes conscious effort to both establish and maintain. We also need flexibility to adjust to changes in our lives and the potential impact that has on our friendships.

The Courage to Let Them

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When I first heard of the Let Them Theory it felt counterintuitive. To hear those words ‘Let them’ to me assumed that I would let others get away with whatever they liked and stand by meekly and unresponsive with a smile on my face. I believed I would be giving away my own control and allowing others to do as they pleased. It just felt disempowering and weak. A stance where I would be emotionally stifled unable to express my anger, sadness or disappointment.

Yet it was only through my own experience of radical acceptance of a situation that became increasingly outside my control that the real power of those two small words ‘Let Them’ became apparent.  Radical acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality just as it is. We may not like how others are behaving or the choices they are making yet once we come to a place of accepting our circumstances we are in the position to make changes for ourself and move forward.

Re-framing the situation with ‘let them’ allows us to move toward a powerful personal response of ‘Let me’. A place of self-care and love. A kinder response than struggling with and rejecting our current reality. We are biologically wired to want to control the circumstances of our life. It gives us a perceived sense of safety and security. Yet the most powerful ability to control a situation is in our personal responses and decisions.

Photo by Benjamin Williams on Unsplash

Seven years ago my husband and I were each experiencing our own midlife crisis. We were at an impasse in our long term marriage. For him, it was a stalemate of purpose after retiring and seeking to recover his younger desires and pursuits. For me it was a deep sadness, that I now recognise as grief, wrapped up in completely missing a sense of connection to my own roots and family connection. It impacted our relationship and while my husband firmly held to the current status quo, I was miserable. Life seemed to be about his choices with what felt like little empathy of what I was experiencing. In reality, he rightfully wasn’t going to change our life situation to suit me, so it was up to me to figure out mine.

I remember coming to a rather abrupt conclusion that I was the only one who could change my circumstances. While the solution meant my husband stayed in our home and community I stepped away from our rather comfortable existence to find my own answers. I ensured our finances were divided so the decisions we made moving forward would be personal ones. Joint accounts became individual accounts. I secured a 12 month lease on a rental property near our children and grandchildren. I packed up what belongings I wanted to take with me and organised a removal of furniture.

It was a bold and scary decision making process but it was also an empowering one, giving me a surprising sense of calm and peace around what the future would bring. I let go of any expectations of the future and focused on my own healing. What I didn’t know at the time was that this separation would be temporary. It eventually led to us rekindling our marriage as wiser, more contented and understanding partners. For us, it was like a marriage ‘sabbatical’. An opportunity to let our paths diverge for a while and then come back together. To each explore our own identity separate from each other.

As I have more recently reflected on this experience I can clearly see the wisdom of the ‘Let Them’ theory come into play. Each of us have a unique experience of life. As much as we want to control what we experience, that is not possible. We constantly come up against the personalities, differing viewpoints, passions and purpose of others. Some of that we can avoid and allow by distancing ourselves. At other times we get caught somewhere along a spectrum from mild frustration to downright conflict of opinion. The most difficult situations are around those we are close to and love.

By simply reframing a situation mentally with the words ‘Let Them’ it’s possible to find a sense of inner peace. It allows us to give back ownership of behaviour and life choices to others rather than trying to control or change them. By distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions we get to see the wider situation more clearly. It is then possible to decide our own course of action.

At first I thought the ‘Let Them’ stance was weak, yet on reflection it’s a powerful one. It’s one where we accept what cannot be changed in life and others. Then we get to choose our own response whether that’s distancing, setting a personal boundary or making a personal decision based on reality rather than how we would like things to be.

Doing Life with our Adult Children

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We have recently spent time over Christmas with our adult children and their families. It’s a cherished time as we live geographically away from each other and so time spent together is definitely focused on quality over quantity. In between we rely on communication through a family WhatsApp group which keeps us updated on the small, yet significant things in each other’s lives.  Whether your relationship with your adult children is like ours or you live in close proximity there are some delicate dynamics to navigate with each other.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Transitions aren’t easy –

When our children reach young adulthood, as parents and particularly mothers, we carry a host of expectations created over the decades in this role. We’ve handpicked parenting inspiration from our childhood experiences, parenting books and the advice of others. We’ve nurtured, disciplined, comforted and generally picked up after our children. It’s an intimate connection from carrying them for nine months within our body to navigating babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood and then the teenage years.

 Motherhood is a role that has given us purpose, it’s fulfilling while at times exhausting. We’ve become comfortable with the tasks of being mothers which makes it difficult letting go of that role when they become adults. We are so used to stepping in to support our children physically and emotionally that it’s like an automatic reflex. The art of stepping back and allowing them to live and make choices independently from us can at times feel painful and it’s one we need to be more deliberate about.

Mel Robbins in her book ‘The Let Them Theory’ shares a story of her son’s prom choices and how difficult it was for her to allow him to face the consequences of his tardiness to select an outfit to wear, restaurant to book and corsage choice for his prom date. She confessed her overwhelming need to micromanage proceedings rather than let her son sort out his evening and deal with any unforeseen consequences. It was only when her daughter interjected with the words ‘just let them sort it out’ that Mel was stopped in her tracks. It became a moment that inspired her book and theory about releasing our desire to orchestrate other people’s lives.

No matter what age our children are, we still look at them and remember a younger, more vulnerable version in front of us. We want to keep them safe and protect them from the more difficult challenges of life. Yet is it in their best interests or the healthiest option for our changing relationship with them?

There is no magic age but sometime around the late teens to early twenties is an important time to allow our young adults to assume responsibility for their lives. Hopefully we’ve been doing this as a gradual process particularly in the latter stages of the teenage years. Even though the process of independence and living life separately from us begins at this time there will continue to be moments where we are challenged to want to step in and rescue them.

Their choices on work, life and relationships

Once our offspring begin working it’s important to encourage their financial independence. With the current climate of high interest rates and cost of living it can be more difficult to live away from the family home. If you have young adults under your roof, it is important to discuss how that will look both physically and financially. Each member of the family expects more privacy and personal space, yet communal spaces are shared. Get clear on what you expect from them as far as household chores and meal preparation are concerned. Decide if rent or other ways of contributing financially are expected. It is a big change seeing them now as an adult and requires a renegotiation of the parent: child relationship.

Encourage them to build financial literacy. As parents, we may occasionally help them out financially but it’s important they know how to save, invest, pay bills and manage credit and their spending habits.  Answer questions they ask and share ways you manage your own finances. Also point them in the direction of professional advice and relevant information and courses. Seeing your children struggle financially is hard yet resist the temptation to immediately step in and rescue them. This allows them time to sit in their discomfort for a while and consider alternative solutions.

Moving Out

When your young adult moves into a rental property or buys their own home a new dynamic is created. Remember that their home is a personal boundary so respect their privacy by not arriving unannounced. While they have lived a certain way in your home their own home is their personal space. It represents an extension of their emerging self. Avoid commenting about its tidiness, location and furnishing choices.

Your adult children also need to know you are okay with the location of where they live. Often their life and work takes them to a new community whether that’s not far away or perhaps even on the other side of the world. While this is tough it’s a choice that could cause angst for both parties if it’s not accepted well and seen as part of the larger picture of their lives. It gets complicated when grandchildren arrive, yet there are always ways to stay in touch with them and mutually plan the best time to visit each other or holiday together.

Relationships

Although we had more awareness of who our children’s friends were when they were young that’s not something we control when they are adults. Just like us they choose relationships based on attraction, common interests and enjoyment of the connection between each other. It is important to respect their choices and avoid making judgements. Enjoy hearing about budding friendships and romances. If a relationship goes sour our job is to listen, empathize and only give advice if it’s asked for.

When your adult child chooses a life partner, respect that choice and honour their partnership as a distinct and separate part of your family. They will be navigating different upbringings and expectations of their relationship and if they have children, what parenting looks like. Avoid judgement or advice on how your grandchildren are brought up. Your adult children are paving their own way in a different era and circumstances to you. Be supportive and try to understand their experience.

Study and Work

Lastly allow them to choose their study and profession. While our children were small we had an intimate window into the things they enjoyed and were good at. This often meant we took note and had aspirations for what they would do with their life as adults. Respect the direction and choices they make, particularly if the field of study or work they choose is unexpected or quite different to what you dreamed for them. Allow them to explore the question of who they wish to be both personally and professionally. Be the cheer squad as they accomplish each step along the way. Avoid giving opinions and unsolicited advice when they falter.

The relationship we have with our adult children can be as rewarding as the one we had with them when they were young. This time around they are meeting us more as an equal, recognizing we are all vulnerable and imperfect human beings. They may even gain a greater appreciation of our choices and sacrifices as they experience adult life and commitments for themselves.

 The relationship that evolves needs the same care and attention, yet in a different way. This time around we need to be courageous enough to let our children live their own lives, making their own choices and mistakes. Our role is to stay on the sidelines ready to celebrate their triumphs and empathize with their challenges.

Creating Space for Healing

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When I first started writing my blog ‘Healing the Matriarch’ we were all in the midst of the Covid pandemic. During the isolation of April 2020, I wrote my first few pieces on what living life during the pandemic was like. It was a way to reflect on how this major world event was personally affecting both myself and those around me.

As the blog posts continued, they focused on the stage of life I was in – midlife reset and the emergence of the matriarch. The blogs also became a compilation of what I was learning through study, online courses and copious reading on positive psychology. I delved into mindfulness, self-compassion, emotional intelligence, motivation and manifesting life change.

It’s amazing how the busyness of life can make us internalize rather than fully process what we’ve lived through. Trauma and grief are really good at hiding from us for a while. Yet they eventually surface no longer able to be ignored. We know they are there because we feel directionless, numb and unable to feel and express our emotions fully. They also surface when we have less responsibilities and more time to make sense of our lived experience.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

My own healing journey started in my early 50’s when a lot of the earlier experiences of my life resurfaced ready for review. As a woman, I had read that turning the age your mother died brings on a realisation and reflection of the fragility of life. That year was 52 for me. I continually felt the surreal nature of inhabiting my body at the age of my mother’s death. It brought home strongly how young she was at the time and all the subsequent life events she did not experience in her own life. She was not at our weddings nor met our children and grandchildren. If she were still alive, she would now be a great grandmother and surrounded by her extended family.

That same year I was experiencing the final stages of my father’s life. A difficult cancer journey that meant I made the decision to move back to my childhood community. I also abruptly resigned from my work as an early childhood teacher to provide physical and emotional support to family. When I returned back to my home eighteen months later it was difficult to resume life as normal. I felt enormous guilt for leaving family unsupported in their grief and loss. I also largely grieved alone in a world that resumed quickly back to ‘normal’.

My journey of healing stretched over the next decade, and it wasn’t until I was in my early 60’s that I began writing and sharing about healing, particularly for women entering the latter stages of life. Women that had sufficient life experience stored that were finally ready to process it more fully. It was an obvious progression. It’s said that the last part of a personal healing journey is about sharing and educating on what we’ve learnt along the way. Becoming a guide and mentor for others.

Dr Gabor Mate from his book ‘The Myth of Normal’ introduces four A’s – authenticity, agency, anger and acceptance. Each represents a guiding principle for those following a path to healing. Qualities in ourselves that we need to recapture our lives.

Authenticity – It’s the ability, through the healing process, to discover more of who we are and be able to express that in our interactions with others. It’s about accepting ourselves fully and noticing when we aren’t being true to ourselves in our connections with others. For example, we might notice our people pleasing tendencies rather than setting healthy boundaries in our relationships. This can result in increased anxiety, irritability and fatigue. It may also surface when we fail to call out hurtful comments or share our true feelings with others.

Agency – Where agency exists is when we make some personal choices around who we are and how we exist in life. It might mean renegotiating relationships as we build confidence in our own identity. Stepping outside the box of what we’ve always believed about ourselves or what we think the world expects of us. It may also be in making personal decisions that may not sit comfortably with others. We have to be brave enough to stay with our convictions, even if they are challenged. It may also mean questioning opinions and advice from others and viewing it through our own lens.

No one else can give us our agency. It’s something we give to ourselves as we evaluate our life fully and freely. Then we can make decisions based on our authentic gut feelings, clarity and understanding of what is best for us.

The interesting thing is once we take steps to make good personal choices, to give ourselves agency, we become more accepting and appreciative of the need to allow others to do the same.

“ When we heal, we are engaged in recovering our lost parts of self, not trying to change or better them. We are coming to wholeness“

Dr Gabor Mate

Acceptance – is a powerful understanding as we recognise that resisting reality creates a stumbling block to moving forward. Instead, we can find ourselves sitting in bitterness, sadness and anger believing life is unfair and shouldn’t be this way.

In accepting life as it is, we allow the floodgate to open to the other important attributes of healing –

  • permission to feel anger and other emotions that are present.
  • permission for agency to make valid choices around life. Acceptance is not about tolerating a situation particularly if it involves abuse or neglect. If we want to make changes in our life, it’s important to know that also carries an element of risk. It can mean impacting some relationships, life stability and our comfort zone as we move forward.
  • permission for ourselves to become more authentic.

Anger – We can be afraid of expressing it, seeing others flying into a blind rage of energy and spite. It looks and feels scary. We can also be shamed for expressing anger and told we are hysterical or hostile or hearing ‘Don’t take it so personally’. As a consequence it can be difficult recognising our own need to express anger in a productive way.

Yet anger is both normal and healthy. It is one of our three primary emotions. It helps protect us from physical and emotional threats. It is situational – meaning when the threat is over our anger usually subsides. It helps us advocate for both ourselves and others. It can also be a catalyst for change.

It’s important when we express anger to get curious about any underlying causes. Anger can mask a multitude of harder to recognise emotions. If we are willing to explore our anger, we can heal emotional scars and stop suppressing emotions internally which can lead to physical illness.

Part of our life experience is to recognise and heal the difficult moments we have been through. We owe it to our physical and emotional health to find ways to process the impact they have had on us. It’s a lesson I learnt later in life and a healing journey that has brought me both wisdom and understanding.

I look back on my younger self with more compassion and empathy. I also forgive my younger self for not having the maturity and ability to be there for others in their grief and loss. It was mainly due to the fact I couldn’t find my way to my own grief experience at the time. Yet I’m proud of who I have become and my ability to venture toward healing and wholeness.

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