Do you catch yourself nostalgically looking back over your past decisions? Wishing life was different. Thinking that among the alternate pathways you could have chosen, you made the ‘wrong’ one. I am sure you are not alone. As humans our ability to make good choices is impacted by biases in our thinking, and the previous life experience we can draw from. We can only make decisions based on what we know.
One of my readers made a profound statement that has resonated with me about this phenomenon. It’s that we need to reframe our nostalgic thinking to take in the reasons we made that particular decision at the time.
Unfortunately, early adulthood is a time when many of those important decisions are made. Where to live, the career or study path we take, whether or not to marry, if and when we have children …. The list goes on. It’s also a time when our brain is not fully matured for decision making and our life experience is lean and seems to be learnt ‘on the go’. Decisions can be made on impulse that have long term repercussions. Not only for ourselves but also for those around us such as family and friends.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Personally, I was faced with a myriad of life decisions in my early twenties. My mother had cancer and consequently died of the disease when I was twenty two. I was in my final year of university two hours away from my family. I had also met my future husband. At the time many of my friends didn’t know how to deal with having a motherless friend among them. Thankfully I was surrounded by a beautiful group of matriarchs, my university lecturers, who supported me as I completed my degree.
At the end of the year I made the difficult choice of following my fiancé to a new location away from my father and then seventeen year old sister. Each of us freshly grieving the loss. This decision has continually produced nostalgic reflection throughout my life. Causing me to make decisions to support family over my marriage at different times. It is also poignant again as our eldest granddaughter turns seventeen this year. I see in a very real, physical sense just how young my sister was at the time this life changing event occurred.
How can we frame these early decisions? To see that we gave ourselves valid reasons to make them at the time.
- To understand how important it is to take the opportunities life provides for us. The alternative is to be frozen in a state of inaction and safety afraid we might get it wrong.
- To accept the consequences. Once we choose a particular pathway in life, other doors will close. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and by looking back we may find we chose a particular path that has had repercussions throughout our life. See the consequences as life lessons that help us mature and grow wisdom. Interestingly enough, the longer we live the more likely a similar situation will arise that requires us to put into practice the life lesson we’ve learnt in a tangible way using our additional maturity and reflection.
- Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. When you identify that you’ve taken a life path that has unintended consequences, give yourself forgiveness and compassion for being human.
- Count your blessings. Okay, things didn’t turn out as you’ve expected, yet there are blessings in the pathway you have taken. Make a list of those good things that you have accumulated in life.
- Find peace, ease and acceptance. Life throws so many choices at us. Some good and some not so good for us. You can only make your decisions on the circumstances and awareness you have at the time. Continue to see where your life leads from the decisions you actually make. There are often opportunities to redirect your life course or experience a missed opportunity you now crave in a different way.
- Some choices are made for us. A health diagnosis, natural disaster or accident that brings with it an abrupt change of life direction. Even in these circumstances we can look at choices we can make moving forward.
As long as we live, we will be faced with making decisions among potential possibilities. You can only make those decisions on the limitations of the knowledge and experience you have at the time. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Life will continue to present both lessons and blessings for you along the way.
More reading on decision making: –