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Visiting The Grandchildren

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While other grandmothers live in close proximity to their grandchildren that hasn’t been my story. We live in a coastal community one thousand kilometres (or around six hundred miles) from our grandchildren. I know that’s not far in comparison to some who are all the way across the country or overseas. Yet the one thing we share in common is the stretches of time between seeing our adult children and their families. Particularly in the early years of grandchildren’s lives it can mean missing milestones, building sporadic relationships and feeling an occasional yearning for a role we are unable to fulfill as a hands on grandparent.

Sometimes I wish I lived closer and previously that is exactly what I did. Moving myself and my life to be present in theirs. I’m glad I did at the time as it met a deep yearning within me. Now our relationship has evolved to a comfortable level where I plan trips to be with each family regularly during the year.

Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

Our grandchildren are older now. My daughter has three girls who are journeying through teenage years. They are young independent ladies who know I am there and drift in and out, as teenagers do, on my visits. My son has our two younger grandchildren. They stay more engaged and connected on my visits. I love to hear their conversations and marvel at how their young minds ‘tick’. They are funny, energetic and at times in conflict with each other. They show their emotions on their sleeves and heartbreak in their bodies if they are physically or emotionally hurt. Young children show such an openness and vulnerability that we as adults have learnt to suppress. If only occasionally we allowed ourselves the same level of expression when our lives become overwhelming.

Simple moments with your grandchildren often become the most priceless memories.

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I have been bemused by a few comments since arriving for my visit. They’ve made me think about how I am perceived personally and in my role as grandmother.

  • I have been asked ‘how long are you home for?’ when I have lived in a different location for the past twenty years. It’s bemusing to sense that others perceive my persona as one that continues to exist in the town I grew up in, rather than the physical one I currently live in with my husband. Sometimes those well-meaning comments surprise me as they come from those who’ve visited our actual home. In a sense my gypsy nature can view home as being where my heart is, taking it along with me on my visits. Yet more and more I identify with my physical home as my sanctuary and sense of groundedness for me. It is too unsettling otherwise. This allows me to comfortably wander in and out of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives alongside the experience of my own life journey.
  • I have been asked ‘have you been babysitting?  This also makes me pause for thought. Although my grandchildren range in age I don’t see any of them as babies. They are young, vivacious and independent beings in their own right. While the younger ones may need more hands on guidance with selfcare or play I see myself as an observer, encourager and teacher. It’s so lovely to be in conversation with them. At times to fill in gaps in their history that widen their view. For example, Miss Six was bemoaning the additional time her younger brother would get with dad and grandparents while she was at school. I was able to help her see those previous times, before her brother was around, where she had the luxury of unshared time with these people. I had been able to care for her alongside her Nonna when she was younger. A luxury her brother wasn’t experiencing now.
  • I have been asked ‘have you come alone? This seems like a loaded question and I’m unsure how to respond without first checking in within myself. While my husband and I enjoy our rather carefree existence together, we are two quite different people. Our interests and priorities can differ and there are times when it’s important for one of us to venture independently. I enjoy visiting cultural and music events in cities, whereas my husband enjoys car racing and sporting events. I need more opportunities to spend time with our children and grandchildren while the priority is lower for my husband. We have made a point of having enough financial independence to follow both our personal and joint choices.
  • I have been asked ‘When are you returning? Often the answer is uncertain. Visiting revolves around best timing for everyone’s work, school and family activities. There are also finances to consider. Two flights or two days driving with an overnight stay adds up. We know that it’s not possible to be in each other’s lives on a regular basis. Consequently, these visits are cherished and involve more intense connection. The trick is to focus on the time gifted. To notice the little things. To have deeper conversations as we know the moments together are precious. We also know life is continually changing. Our grandchildren are growing up. The older ones are starting to visit us independently of their parents and who knows if they move closer for study or work in the future.

Being grandparents who live away from their family is challenging. The intergenerational networks are harder to maintain, yet not impossible. Instead they need to be more consciously planned. Both while we are apart and also when those face to face visits occur. The logistics will be unique depending on our individual circumstances. It’s important to accept the present situation, as much as possible, and find novel ways to keep the connection alive.

If you are a grandparent living away from your children and grandchildren what strategies do you use for communicating and connecting with them? What isn’t easy?

Share your comments below.

Encore Living

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Not too many readers would know that my first foray into writing was a small blog called Encore Living. It predates my current blog, Healing the Matriarch, which has allowed me to reminisce over my life experience, particularly as a mother. Healing the Matriarch has also helped me to process and heal from past painful experiences and face my grief over early mother loss.

In Encore Living I began writing about my experience of early retirement and anticipating the ‘what next’ of my life adventure. At the time my husband and I were definitely in the honeymoon period that surfaced once our schedules loosened and we were no longer structuring our lives around our professional careers. We travelled extensively, creating wonderful new memories and renovated our home as our ‘forever home’. There was lots happening mentally and physically to sustain us.

Little did we know that at some point in this journey we would slow down and find ourselves grappling with our changed identity and a distinct lack of purpose or vocation. At times, daily life felt like an echo chamber of nothingness. As a result, our relationships and emotional health suffered.

The Encore Living Phase of Life

The words Encore Living typify for me the time we reach after the Main Act of our lives. A time to slow the pace and step back from our previous busy life of juggling family and work responsibilities.

When I picture it, I imagine how it feels at the end of a wonderful live stage performance. A lull forms over the audience as everyone realizes the experience has come to an end. Then there is a growing anticipation of the encore to follow. Often the audience begins to join a collective chorus of claps and shouts as excitement builds. Each individual wondering what best known pieces will be played. As the performers come back on stage, just as anticipated, the offerings of an encore are the juicy best parts of their repertoire.

‘Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength’

Betty Friedan

The encore phase of our lives is often referred to as the third stage. A time for transition, adjustment and settling into our older selves. Bringing with it more authenticity, vulnerability and wisdom. It is usually a time where we have a greater choice in how we spend our time and the activities we engage in. Our diaries and calendars are more fluid giving the opportunity to make both anticipated and spur of the moment plans. Many of us have travel on our minds and ‘bucket list’ items to cross off. There is an increased awareness of the preciousness of the additional days of living we are gifted with. Yet we are also keenly aware that our mental and physical health may change in an instant and require a major adjustment.

Meaningful Connection

Earlier connections in our lives often revolved around our family, friends and workplaces. We naturally bumped into one another in the course of the day. The rhythm of this social stimulation helped to meet one of our basic human needs – belonging and knowing we matter to others. We had roles and responsibilities that bound us. They also gave us a framework and purpose for our daily lives.

Connections take on a slightly different form as we step into the encore years. They are more deliberately chosen interactions and there is often more time for deeper conversation as life slows a little. We get to know others better and hear where each of us are vulnerable. At this time there may be changes to where we live and new communities to integrate into. This can be challenging initially as we can feel a bit lost in a new space having to form new friendships and create new routines. My advice is to be kind to yourself. Allow time to slowly reconnect and even feel a sense of ‘home’ in your new place. Spend time trying a few activities that appeal to you. If they don’t, keep exploring until you have a sense of how you want your week to flow. Be open to new friendships and social invitations.

Family connections take on increased meaning. Time with grandchildren is precious, and so too is time with aging parents. Gathering family together and travelling to spend time with them can become a priority. Desires to create lasting memories while we can become important.

Vocation – more than our work.

Previously we lived rather set identities. The encore years can herald a reimagining and reinvention of our passions and interests. Whether it’s a physical activity that we found hard to fit into our daily lives or a creative activity that we can immerse in, new pursuits can enhance our lives. It’s often not surprising that these activities come from things we previously loved doing, perhaps even way back in our childhood or adolescence.

For me, writing was something that came from my journalling. I found that putting pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard allowed me to make sense of my lived experience. I also found myself back at university in my fifties studying a post-graduate course in psychology. This was out of interest and feeling the need to find something to stimulate my mind. It certainly achieved that and also had the benefit of connecting me with other women in a local study group. While I didn’t pursue psychology beyond study as a second career, the knowledge increased my appetite for reading and courses in the area. That accumulated knowledge and observation has translated into the blogs I have written to date.

Once my children were young adults and my career as a teacher came to an end, I felt a nurturing gap within me. Slowly a widened purpose has emerged directed toward nurturing and supporting women, mothers and young children in our community. Its possible that the core element of our professional lives can lead to fulfilling post work pursuits. It may be with animals, the natural environment, advocacy on social issues or supporting people at particular stages in their lives. For my husband, it has been a culmination of each of his multiple careers to drive his current involvement in a sport he loves. It has combined his analytical, mechanical and computer skills in a wonderful synergy.

Well-being

The journey through Menopause is gaining greater recognition and awareness.  It’s a transition that impacts a large percentage of our population at any one time and the variety of symptoms experienced can impact our quality of life. Thankfully more research has been done and information on Women’s Health is now more prominent and accessible. Each women’s journey is unique. For some it is more about physical symptoms, for others it can take an emotional toll. A wholistic approach that looks at nutrition, exercise, sleep and self-care can support this transition.

Factors in exceptional longevity, living well to the years beyond the age of 85, have also received increasing research. Physical factors are important including regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep and avoiding smoking and excessive alcohol consumption. Having a positive and optimistic outlook on life is also intimately related to living longer.

To age well involves a wholistic approach which looks at both the mind and the body. It’s important in establishing any wellness practice to take it slowly and do it in an enjoyable way. This helps to sustain and motivate you to continue long-term. Another important factor is to ‘mix it up’ occasionally with variety and novelty to challenge the mind and body with new movement or eating patterns.

Research has also increasingly focused on the world’s Blue Zones. These are areas where more of the population are living longer, with active and purposeful lives. Environment and diet are playing their part. Having a sense of purpose throughout life is crucial to longevity. The Japanese call it Ikagai – finding the intersection between what we love doing, what we are good at, what we can get paid for and what our world needs. In that space lies the habits and mindset to live our best lives.

The Encore Years of our life are an incredible opportunity for enjoyment and continued meaning. The transition from the most active years of our life may feel at times bumpy, just as our path from childhood to adulthood had its own challenges. Yet numerous invitations await. The chance to live with increased meaning, doing more of what we love, setting our own pace and focusing on our personal well-being. Embrace these precious years and make the most of them.

I Feel Like a Local

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Sitting together on a picnic rug by the river. A group of local women gathered to celebrate their Christmas Party. An outdoor Escape Room team challenge followed by a beautiful gathering around food and bubbles. A perfect way to end our year of connection.

The conversation turns to how long each of us have been living in our coastal community. The answers varied from only a few months to several years. For me, its been twenty years living here. We moved from the country when our last child finished school. Doing a ‘sea change’ without our children.

‘Well, you’re a local’ was the response of one of the women. A badge of honour that seems to be only conferred to those who have lived here all of their lives or at least several decades. I realized yes that finally I did feel like a local, but it’s been a long journey towards that realization.

Photo by Evangelina Silina on Unsplash

I am a country girl, through and through. Growing up in a town where my grandparents were among the first pioneering families to settle. My roots are deep in the red dirt of this farming community. I spent my childhood growing up there. When you are embedded in a community like that people know you based on your family and school connections. You are someone’s granddaughter, daughter, sister, school mate or friend.

When we returned to the community as a family in the early 90’s my children would always be surprised that it took so long to walk the main street. Regularly stopping to chat with people who knew me even though I had moved away in my late teens to university. For me, slipping back into my childhood community as an adult was easy.

Not so easy for my husband who had grown up on the outskirts of a major city. For him the connections were harder to make and mainly came through work and sport. Eventually the yearning for a more coastal lifestyle beckoned. We found a home near the beach and within eighteen months had made the transition to the seaside community we now live in.

We still retained work commitments with our country business. Travelling monthly back to visit. Most of the time my husband could work from home when technology finally allowed the possibility. He loved the new compromise and quickly settled into local life. For me, the trips back were an opportunity to catch up with our now young adult children. Eventually our first grandchild came along and the emotional pull back to the country began for me.

Over the ensuing years I’ve had several ‘escapes’ back to the country. I lived several years back in the community during the last years of my father’s life. Finding my very last teaching role while supporting my sister with dad’s care. I also returned during the recent Covid years to help our children with childcare and home schooling our grandchildren. Each time I felt the emotional priority of my decisions outweighed the more comfortable, retired existence we had created.

What have I learnt about making a ‘Seachange’/’Treechange’?

You broaden your connections and life experience by moving community.

When you have lived in the same place all of your life you maintain existing connections over a long period of time. A wonderful thing but something that also may hinder you meeting new people. Moving to somewhere where you know very few people can be daunting. It can also be an opportunity to expand your friendship network. Meeting people from differing backgrounds and life experiences.

Establish your own friendships and activities separate to your family.

This is a big one if you move to be closer to your adult children and their families. Keeping your family connections as your main locus of attention can hinder meeting others and engaging with a new community. Maintain separate lives within the same geographic area to help keep relationships harmonious with your extended family. When you do get together you will have some interesting experiences to share about your lives.

Use your interests and passions to form connections with your new community.

The things we enjoy doing are highly transferable. Use your interests and passions to find groups within your new community. Some groups may specifically aim to welcome new residents. Join community events and activities. Seek out information about what’s on in your new community.

Be kind to yourself in the transition, however long it takes.

You may fall in love with your new location immediately. Alternatively, like me, it may take a long time to feel settled and content. Accept however you feel and try not to be discouraged and regretful of your decision. Its common to feel a sense of ‘what have I done’ at moments of transition. To pine for the familiar of your previous location. To miss friends and activities you enjoyed. Resist the temptation to compare as each community has its own unique offerings. Just allow yourself the time to discover what your new location has to offer.

Moving location can fill us with a mix of emotions. Our sense of stability can be replaced by a sense of disconnection from the familiar. We may regret our decision. Change is challenging. Give yourself time. You may be surprised to find that, like me, you eventually feel like a local. Content and emotionally connected to a new community of people. It’s taken a while, but it’s been worth it.

What has been your experience of moving to a different geographic location? Comment below.

Flourishing in Later Life

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When you think of aging well, is your focus on maintaining a youthful appearance and physical vitality or does it mean much more to you? Susan Sands PhD in her recently published book The Inside Story describes three factors that research has demonstrated are vitally important to flourishing in later life. These include maintaining our social connections, finding meaning and purpose and cultivating wholesome emotions such as gratitude.

We are living longer. We’ve added thirty years of life expectancy over the past century and these years have all been added to the latter stage of our lives. We spend a longer period of time living beyond active parenting and paid work. This has created a meaning making challenge of deciding what we do with the additional years we have been gifted with.

Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash

Prior to stepping into this phase of our lives we have been busy. Multi-tasking home, family and employment responsibilities. Striving to successfully raise children and mastering our professional careers. Paying off mortgages and staying on top of our bills.

‘We work like crazy during the middle stage so we can finally retire and do what we want’

Susan Sands

Yet our dilemma may be deciding the framework of these years. The people we desire to be and the life experiences we plan to have. Psychology professor, Laura Carstensen, describes a life-span theory of motivation that views aging as an increased opportunity to focus attention on emotionally meaningful goals and activities. It’s as if we finally realize the finite nature of our lives and decide to act accordingly.

She even suggests we take a much slower pathway through life. Using the first forty years to devote time to our education and apprenticeship to our careers so we can maintain a healthier balance in raising our families. This would allow people to devote more time to full time work later in life in the middle years. Eventually easing our workload to retire later in life if we choose. Even then, we can make valuable forms of contribution to those we come in contact with.

It will require society changing its view of aging to enable a more positive view. To value the gained wisdom and knowledge acquired by elders and ensure they are active contributors to the well-being of others. In turn, their personal happiness also increases.

‘Genuine happiness does not come from your life’s circumstances e.g. having the perfect family, job, good looks or wealth. Instead it is about who you are and what you do.’

Martin Seligman

How do we foster those qualities that help us age well?

Social Connection –

  • Once we reach midlife it is often a time of unravelling our lives and also our relationships. It can be a time where new friendships form as we move from being parents and workers to the next stage of our lives. Even if some of those roles remain, they often evolve. For example, working part time, consulting or volunteering with different organisations, becoming grandparents rather than parents. This is a time that some of us travel more or relocate. Each time meeting new people and naturally loosening the bonds with some of our previous connections. It’s important to deepen new relationships and also stay in touch or reconnect with some of our previous friends.
  • Transitioning to a new life stage may mean having periods of feeling isolated and lonely. Look for interesting activities to do. Choose some that provide regular social connections through the week. Others can be less frequent outings that you can anticipate with pleasure.
  • Fostering connections sometimes involves getting out of your comfort zone to ‘show up’ at social events or activities. Create opportunities to engage with others or join groups that interest you. Work out whether you are a person who prefers deep connection with one or a few others; or enjoy the energy and buzz of mingling in larger crowds. Honour this personal preference in the types and duration of interactions you plan.
  • It’s also important to balance social connection with time alone to pursue your creativity and interests. Now you can be less focused on the clock and more immersed in what you enjoy doing. Often these solo pursuits lead naturally to interactions with others who share the same interest.

Finding meaning and purpose

  • As humans, we gain deep meaning from the roles of raising children and through our work. It can be daunting to step away from these roles and to find new perspectives in regard to our purpose in the world.
  • Ikigai – The Japanese Secret of a Long and Happy Life written by Garcia and Miralles makes the strong connection between having a deep sense of purpose and contribution and living longer. We each need a reason to get up in the morning and where we may find it is in examining our personal qualities – what we are good at, those things we love – our passions and interests and what the world (or even our small slice of it) needs which can become our mission. Having the confidence to share our unique gifts with the world often opens up additional opportunities for connection and contribution.
  • Life will continue to challenge us and be stressful. This isn’t a negative thing as often the hurdles in life motivate our action and when we are not overwhelmed can contribute to our sense of vitality and self-reliance.

Cultivating Gratitude

  • Dr Rick Hanson suggests gratitude can be a daily practice of appreciating the ‘ordinary jewels’ of our everyday life. These can include the roof over our head, enough food to nourish our bodies and experiencing love and care in our relationships. We can be grateful for others who contribute to our physical and emotional well-being. Find ways to acknowledge and show your appreciation.
  • Gratitude is strongly linked to our sense of happiness. It also lifts our mood, increases life satisfaction and helps us build resilience. As we age, research has shown we also tend to become naturally happier. Perhaps part of this is being able to see a wider, more balanced view of life. With experience we can appreciate the sweet moments without denying or minimizing the bitter experiences endured. We see the life lessons and personal growth that may have occurred during our more difficult times.
  • Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret and guilt. Rather than focusing on either the ‘poor me’ or ‘those bad people’(blaming others) stories that ruminate in our brain we can pause and notice what we are saying to ourselves. It requires being in the present moment, basically accepting life as it is and asking instead ‘what should be done from now on’. It is impossible to go back and rewrite the past. Acceptance and finding courage to seek happiness going forward is a good strategy. Read more about this in the book The Courage to be Happy (Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga).
  • To reap the rewards of gratitude make it a regular practice. It is also important to delve more deeply into what we are grateful for. The first step is placing awareness and attention on a good fact about your life. Take it in with your senses and feel the natural emotional responses surrounding the thought. Notice the details and stay with the moment of appreciation for a while longer. Repeating this practice regularly will help the habit of gratitude grow in your life.
  • Gratitude is not just about ourselves. It should also be extended to feelings of happiness for the wonderful things in the lives of others. This helps us overcome jealousy and envy. Unhappiness and suffering come from comparing ourselves and our lives with others.
  • What may help is realizing we are only getting a glimpse into people’s lives. Others may seem fortunate, blessed with relationships or material possessions we don’t have. Yet we rarely know the challenges and pain they may also be facing. Much of what happens in our lives is the result of a vast network of causes which we have little influence over. Each of us are travelling along our own unique path in life. It’s helpful to shift the focus back to the things that are good in our own circumstances.

All of us, if we are fortunate, will inevitably age. Seeing aging as a wonderful gift of additional years can help us focus on doing the task well. It requires active steps to stay engaged with life and each other. To care for not only our physical needs but also our social and psychological needs. This will allow us to continue enjoying each day and to make valuable contributions to our world.

May 2025
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