Psychologist Dr Rick Hanson suggests that one of the basic self-care strategies for good mental health is befriending ourselves. It may seem obvious but often we act like a much better friend to others than we do to ourselves. Much of it is unconscious. Deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the expectations of others. It is not until we pause and really reflect on situations and relationships that its possible to see if we are being ‘our own best friend’.
We befriend ourselves when we: –
Stay grounded in our self-awareness. Living life according to our unique core values. Being aware of our strengths and also our vulnerabilities. When we face life challenges we look for resources to overcome each obstacle that arises. We examine our beliefs when we think we are not important or worthy of nurture and attention.
Honour that all beings, including ourselves, are treated with decency, care and respect. That means responding toward ourselves as we would to others in a similar situation. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests that self-compassion is a gift to ourselves that gives us the strength and resources to maintain giving to others without feeling burnt out.
In effect, we become better resourced to care for the needs of others. Just like the basic piece of aircraft safety advice – ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’. Mothers find this particularly hard to do as primary caregivers of their children. Yet unless they find strategies to share the load and create time for themselves they can easily become overwhelmed.
Make our life decisions based on what is best for us. You have the most power and responsibility over shaping your future self. If you give that task over to others you lose control of your personal fulfillment and life purpose.
When we take the stance of “my life matters, it matters to me” – supporting and prioritizing ourselves and our own needs. How would you act in a tricky or challenging situation where your needs and priorities clashed with others?
‘If we can’t love ourselves, we can’t really love our life’ – everything unfolds from that’.
Tara Brach
Sometimes befriending ourselves is easier said than done. Life situations can overwhelm us and we end up putting our priorities on the backburner. It’s also possible that we feel so distanced from our own identity that we really don’t know what we need. A stalemate may exist around our ability to enjoy life and see where we now fit in. This can happen particularly at life transitions – early parenthood, retirement at the end of a career, empty nesting our families. If that is you, be kind to yourself and begin exploring your most important needs right now.
Another major hijacker of our self-care are our thoughts and beliefs. As a child our needs may have been deliberately or inadvertently neglected. As a result we begin to see meeting those needs as unimportant. This mindset can continue into adulthood. Re-examine your beliefs and the ways you speak to yourself. If you are self-critical, examine where the thoughts may have originated and if they are true.
The need to ‘people please’ can also have a long history, particularly for women, as it links identity to prioritizing the needs of others over ourselves. Living this way may bring admiration from others but it may also make it difficult to be aware of and prioritize personal needs. A balance between the two – pleasing others and pleasing ourselves – is important. It requires courage to sometimes let others down and deal with a certain level of conflict to redress imbalances of power and importance. If this sounds like you, seek courage to make yourself matter.
Befriending ourselves isn’t easy. It requires ongoing monitoring of what’s happening in our lives. While it is challenging, it also rewarding. Particularly for our sense of happiness, pleasure and self-worth. We also need to feel that we are the directors of our lives in meaningful ways. When these elements come together there is a sense of engaging with the world with wholeness, ease and contentment. Think about what sort of friend you are being to yourself right now. Are you giving yourself care and attention? Are you advocating for what is most important to you? If you’re unsure, it may be time to assess if you are befriending yourself.
