Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

You are here: Home / Archives for mindfulness

Five Ways to Stay Grounded within Yourself

by

We often don’t give babies credit for the autonomy and individuality they show from the day they are born. Unlike the belief that babies come into this world as ‘blank slates’ to influence and mould, they arrive with their own particular preference for interaction. Some are observant and ready to engage with the world, others close their eyes and retreat within. Each has preferences in how they are held and the level of sensory stimulus they can tolerate.

As parents we are often learning along the way. Each child exhibits their own unique personality, likes and dislikes and energy level. It can come as a shock when the methods that we finally found worked to parent one child are strongly resisted by their younger siblings. As a result different approaches are needed.

The baby and toddler years of human development focus on securely attaching to their main caregivers. Learning that when they indicate a physical or emotional need it is both noticed and then met by others. When this happens, on a reasonably consistent basis, the child feels confident and happy to explore the world around them. As they grow into toddlerhood they become the masters of their own uniqueness – asserting their independence and preferences. All of which is healthy and normal development. (Even if it’s a challenging time for parents)

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself’

George Bernard Shaw

It’s this grounding in childhood that gives us the continual confidence in our own identity. The ability to honour our unique preferences as an adult and advocate for ourselves. It may be helpful to think of this life process using the analogy of a mature tree. The deep roots of secure attachment and belief in ourselves are hopefully developed in childhood. As we mature, this foundation helps us weather the wind and occasional storms of adult life. If we learn that our needs don’t matter in childhood its more difficult to stay confident and grounded in our sense of self in adulthood.

Photo by Kevin Young on Unsplash

Think about the following questions to discover if you have a good sense of ‘me’ as a distinct person from others: –

  1. How comfortable are you to express your own desires, wants, needs and feelings to others? There may be a history of not feeling safe to express needs previously. Attempts may have been ignored or remained unmet. Believe that your requests are as legitimate and important as those of others.
  • How comfortable are you to ask directly for your needs to be met? If you feel reluctant is it due to a sense of discomfort with how it will be received? Often we expect others to automatically know what we need. We become silently frustrated or judgemental toward them when they miss behaviour ‘clues’ and facial expressions. Try instead to express your needs clearly and briefly with an emotional openness to whatever the outcome.
  • Can you trust and maintain your own view when it differs from others? As humans we naturally want to avoid conflict.  Yet it’s still possible to engage in inevitable conflict situations clearly and calmly. Sharing our own particular viewpoint both informs others and helps create respect for differences of opinion.
  • Can you claim your whole self, the gentle sweetness and the problematic behaviour, to allow you to be more authentic in relationships? The more you can delve into how unique and intricate you are as an individual the easier it is to stay true to yourself. You can also be more accepting of the complex personality of others.
  • Can you imagine invisible boundaries between yourself and others? Where your perspective differs from someone else you can even just express those views within your mind. It might sound like ‘I don’t share your views on this issue, yet I respect our difference of opinion’. Accepting our unique and diverse life perspective honours each person’s individuality. We also understand what is most important to us.

We come into this world as separate human beings from others. How those close to us interact and support meeting our needs and desires is crucial. Having a strong sense of ‘me’, separate to others, helps us function effectively in life. When we are heard and honored for our own uniqueness it is easier to be truly ourselves. Its also allows us to respect the needs, wishes and priorities of others.

Be Your Best Friend

by

Psychologist Dr Rick Hanson suggests that one of the basic self-care strategies for good mental health is befriending ourselves. It may seem obvious but often we act like a much better friend to others than we do to ourselves. Much of it is unconscious. Deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the expectations of others. It is not until we pause and really reflect on situations and relationships that its possible to see if we are being ‘our own best friend’.

woman holding gray ceramic mug
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

We befriend ourselves when we: –

Stay grounded in our self-awareness. Living life according to our unique core values. Being aware of our strengths and also our vulnerabilities. When we face life challenges we look for resources to overcome each obstacle that arises. We examine our beliefs when we think we are not important or worthy of nurture and attention.

Honour that all beings, including ourselves, are treated with decency, care and respect. That means responding toward ourselves as we would to others in a similar situation. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests that self-compassion is a gift to ourselves that gives us the strength and resources to maintain giving to others without feeling burnt out.

In effect, we become better resourced to care for the needs of others. Just like the basic piece of aircraft safety advice – ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’. Mothers find this particularly hard to do as primary caregivers of their children. Yet unless they find strategies to share the load and create time for themselves they can easily become overwhelmed.

Make our life decisions based on what is best for us. You have the most power and responsibility over shaping your future self. If you give that task over to others you lose control of your personal fulfillment and life purpose.

When we take the stance of “my life matters, it matters to me” – supporting and prioritizing ourselves and our own needs. How would you act in a tricky or challenging situation where your needs and priorities clashed with others?

‘If we can’t love ourselves, we can’t really love our life’ – everything unfolds from that’.

Tara Brach

Sometimes befriending ourselves is easier said than done. Life situations can overwhelm us and we end up putting our priorities on the backburner. It’s also possible that we feel so distanced from our own identity that we really don’t know what we need. A stalemate may exist around our ability to enjoy life and see where we now fit in. This can happen particularly at life transitions – early parenthood, retirement at the end of a career, empty nesting our families. If that is you, be kind to yourself and begin exploring your most important needs right now.

Another major hijacker of our self-care are our thoughts and beliefs. As a child our needs may have been deliberately or inadvertently neglected. As a result we begin to see meeting those needs as unimportant. This mindset can continue into adulthood. Re-examine your beliefs and the ways you speak to yourself. If you are self-critical, examine where the thoughts may have originated and if they are true.

The need to ‘people please’ can also have a long history, particularly for women, as it links identity to prioritizing the needs of others over ourselves. Living this way may bring admiration from others but it may also make it difficult to be aware of and prioritize personal needs. A balance between the two – pleasing others and pleasing ourselves – is important. It requires courage to sometimes let others down and deal with a certain level of conflict to redress imbalances of power and importance. If this sounds like you, seek courage to make yourself matter.

Befriending ourselves isn’t easy. It requires ongoing monitoring of what’s happening in our lives. While it is challenging, it also rewarding. Particularly for our sense of happiness, pleasure and self-worth. We also need to feel that we are the directors of our lives in meaningful ways. When these elements come together there is a sense of engaging with the world with wholeness, ease and contentment. Think about what sort of friend you are being to yourself right now. Are you giving yourself care and attention? Are you advocating for what is most important to you? If you’re unsure, it may be time to assess if you are befriending yourself.

A Glimpse of Life

by

Melanie felt a sense of agitation. Her world was filled with a degree of angst and a slowly seeping dread of an uncertain future. A world that no longer made sense to her. Life was not how she had hoped and currently she sat munching on her breakfast of muesli and yoghurt. Pondering another morning in lockdown.

She scrolled down her social feed and found a favourite wise woman she liked to follow. She knew even the sound of this woman’s voice was enough to create within her a sense of quiet calm. The woman was a well-known meditation teacher and writer. A gentle presence on the screen beckoning Melanie into a different world.

“When we get lost, we need only pause, look at what is true, relax our heart and arrive again”

Tara Brach

She moved her laptop to a place outdoors where she could feel comfortable. Slipping into the wooden chair and readjusting her legs and back to feel the firmness beneath her. Enveloped and comfortable, her breathing began to relax into a soft rhythm. Closing her eyes she sensed the sounds around her. The chirps of the birds and insects in her garden, the rustle of the trees and the background noise of traffic from a nearby road.

Photo by Kate Darmody on Unsplash

Slowly calm descended on her as she listened to the softly spoken words of the recorded voice. Each phrase directing her to notice, then relax, a part of her body. Melanie observed the tension in her shoulders as she focused on them. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel various muscles around her neck and shoulders release, creating an instant sense of relief. Why hadn’t she noticed the tension before? She wondered how long she had been holding on to the weight of her concerns about the world.

Each breathe she took in felt fresh and clean. Each outward breathe gave a sense of letting go and relaxation. Once each of her body parts were highlighted and addressed her body slumped comfortably back into the frame of the chair.

‘Imagine your future self…. In five, ten or twenty years depending on the age you are now’ proposed the voice in her ear. Melanie mentally visualized the decades ahead and the ‘Melanie’ of five years’ time felt the easiest to conjure up in her mind. A person not too distant from now, most likely to be alive and living in a calmer and more consistent life than the crazy one she now inhabited.

‘Now look into your current life… search your heart and soul for what it is telling you’. Melanie pictured in her mind a sense of courage and resilience. An ability to remain patient and observant waiting for clues of a way forward. Slowly in her mind she began to picture a bridge rising from where she was in this moment to the older, future version of herself.

She remembers the initial shock of hearing the announcement of the lockdown. It seemed surreal as one moment she was enjoying the activities she loved and interacting with others. The next she was sitting alone in the quiet of her home. Only the television and her devices for entertainment and connection.

Hearing the news that evening made her feel like she was now inhabiting a strange, new world. A fearful world dealing with the spread of an invisible viral enemy. Everyone around her became a potential suspect and every surface a mission to clean. Outside her door felt unsafe territory. Whenever she ventured for a walk outdoors her gut would ache with mild anxiety until she reached her destination back home.

Heading to the supermarket in those early days was tough. Wearing a mask over her mouth and nose felt foreign and claustrophobic. As she went about the task of finding what she needed from the shelves she felt herself sashaying from side to side in the aisles to avoid physical contact with others. It made her sad that no one acknowledged each other with eye contact and when they did their eyes appeared lifeless and frightened.

Slowly and surely this new existence became more comfortable. Melanie found a new enjoyment in the time she could lavishly spend at home. She poured over cookbooks, finding recipes that she had abandoned in her previously busy life. Her garden provided a lovely sense of purpose as she tended, weeded and replanted. Her home became her haven of contentment.

Once she sensed a rhythm emerging it became possible to create a daily routine that provided a framework for her day. She used her mornings to structure her household tasks and after lunch enjoyed the opportunity to take an hour to walk in her neighbourhood. It felt more enjoyable than normal for her as she no longer took it for granted.

She noticed the changing of the seasons along her route and other people, hungry for exercise and contact, were cheery at a safe distance. The sights and smells along her walk seemed heightened as if she had not experienced them for a long time. Occasionally something would capture her attention. A beautiful light descending on a flower or stone, the intense green of a grassy field or the playfulness of a dog happy to be out with its owner. Melanie enjoyed capturing these exquisite moments of life on her phone’s camera to store as memories. Memories of a unique time and place in her life.

Over time Melanie noticed the strangeness of this altered existence became more familiar. Thankfully the measures of wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced were taking effect. She was grateful that although the overseas experience was more devastating fewer cases were found closer to home. She felt a level of protection and safety. Vaccination was also on the horizon and she could make a choice about it as an option for protection.

What she didn’t realize was how long this invisible enemy was going to be around to impact her life. Months continued to drag on to years. At times in the second year she would taste a sense of partial freedom only to be placed once more in lockdown. Each time there was a feeling of disappointment yet the lessons of how to structure her life weren’t lost allowing her to slip back into her familiar routines. For Melanie, the fear became more of the possibilities of navigating a life beyond lockdown.

How could she learn to live in this new, challenging world?

Deep in meditation Melanie tentatively took the first steps skyward along the bridge to her future self she felt a strong gentle hand reaching out to her to guide her along the way. She realised in her mind’s eye that her future self was there, already offering support for the journey ahead. A partially available vision of who she would be in a more grounded and stable existence. A sense of relief began to wash over her.

As Melanie took the last calming breaths of her meditation she felt at peace. She slowly opened her eyes to see the beauty of her backyard. The movement and rustle of the leaves in the trees. She took in the sights and sounds of the birds and insects around her. The traffic nearby steady and constant. Her life was still there waiting for her to re-enter.

In that moment she knew that there were many versions of herself. The innocent child, the adventurous young adult and the woman she now was. She also recognized there was a future wise version of herself that was ready and available to guide her forward.

Melanie realized she had at her disposal a host of lived experiences to draw on and a toolkit of strategies for the days ahead. As she walked back inside, her laptop firmly under her arm, she knew she could call on each loved version of herself as she went about the day ahead.

What is Still Possible?

by

The last few years have shaken our perspective on life. On the one hand we have come face to face with a heightened awareness of our own mortality. On the other we have had the opportunity to reassess, through each challenging experience, what is important in our lives.

If we look through these times through the lens of personal growth it is possible to see that it has been an opportunity to focus inwards with increased awareness, pause and stillness. First, grieving what is no longer part of our lives – the carefree, expansive way of existence. Then we can open a doorway to compassion for ourselves and others, respect for the interconnected nature of our world and a deeper sense of gratitude and appreciation.

Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash

“We will realize how wonderful the world is when we are let out into it”

David Whyte – Irish Poet

Now we are moving into a new phase of being, building the road outward toward the next part of our life journey. In a sense, it is a rebirth, seeing the world with new eyes, ears and sense of ourselves. We may also be observing our past in a new way. Questioning whether our previous choices and ways of living still serve our purpose today. Our priorities may need a minor tweak or a major overhaul to live in a more personally, authentic way.

American positive psychologist, Dr Rick Hanson, identifies three fundamental human needs – safety, life satisfaction and connection. Each of these needs can be strengthened individually. A balanced awareness of them can enhance our experience of daily life.

How can we become motivated to get back into our world and reconnect with others?

  • Creating a sense of stability. Assessing that although these are challenging times, we can assess that we are basically O.K. and all right, right now. As Pema Chodron quotes, seeing ourselves as the sky while all around us is the weather. Changeable as it emerges, is experienced and dissipates.
  • Taking action in addressing our own physical and mental health. This may include good nutrition, rest and exercise, hygiene practices, considering vaccination options or alternatives, mindfulness practices. Action is a good antidote for anxiety as it involves a level of personal control over uncertainties.
  • Realistically assessing life. Being aware of not overestimating the threats. Also not underestimating opportunities and our resources. It is possible to venture into the world with an appropriately cautious and watchful manner.
  • Recognize the beauty around us. This may include a conscious daily practice of observing the beauty in the world, in others, in ourselves and in ideas. Taking in the good and really savouring positive experiences.
  • Imagine the enjoyment of gathering with friends and family and make plans to connect when and where it is possible.

“Do all that you can, in the place where you are, with what you’ve been given, in the time that you have”

Nkosi Johnson – South African child born with HIV

Our lives have been put on an imposed ‘holding pattern’. A definite pause that may have caused us to reassess our priorities. The way forward now is to create a future for ourselves that has personal meaning. One that supports our fundamental needs and allows us to experience peace, contentment and love.

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Archives

Blog Categories