Although it has been quite a few years since my own children became independent, I know others who are experiencing the emptying of their family ‘nest’. It’s a time when our children head off to live or study elsewhere, no longer a daily presence in our lives. One thing I found with my own empty nesting experience was a distinct lack of guidance and support around this transition. There were plenty of books about parenting and raising children, but not so much about rediscovering self-identity and purpose after the role was complete. For me, it became a personal journey of discovery.
As our children reach young adulthood it’s a time when we may finally feel contented with our parenting ability. We have a sense we have figured it out, only to find ourselves devoid of an active role in rearing our children. We are left questioning who we are and what our current value is to the world.
“An empty nest is designed to be filled again. Just not with the same flock. Allow it to attract new, creative abundance”
Layla Morgan Wilde
As women, we are transformed by motherhood. We are no longer a child ourselves; we are now the parent of a child. Dr Britta Bushnell, childbirth educator and Douala, observed we are facing the death of our own innocence, selfishness and immaturity. At the time of our first child’s birth we realize the enormity of the task of being fully and completely responsible for the welfare and well being of another human being. We do it through trial and error and sleepless nights, evolving our role with the ever changing needs of our family. As Britta remarks, we face the possibility of being ‘mortally wounded in many ways’ with the intense loving bond we create.
As our children progressively leave the family home there is a need to review and rediscover who we are. To shed the responsibilities that have dominated our life. It’s a time to find the woman we want to be again.
Here are some reflections to help you explore this journey: –
Rest: – After the physical tiredness of decades of mothering it is a time to rest for a while. To give up what was the focus of your life and to allow yourself to create a new foundation for the journey ahead. Instead of creating new ‘To Do’ lists straight away, give yourself permission to relax and take your time. You have earnt this respite to reflect on your mother role, gain clarity and a renewed sense of purpose. Then you are better placed to take action toward personal change.
Remember:- Ask yourself who and what have been neglected through those years. What gifts were not utilized while you were in the throws of motherhood? Perhaps it is a time to rekindle the romance with your partner. It is also a time to remember perhaps the young woman you were before parenting. Who was she? What were her passions, traits, those things that gave her enjoyment, peace and contentment? Find ways to actively instill these parts of yourself back into your life. You are more than your previous roles and identity.
Reduce Your Responsibility : – You can begin to take less responsibility for others. Your young adult ‘children’ will need to assume responsibility for their own choices and day to day decisions. They will falter and make errors of judgement, just as we all did. Acknowledge that you have done the best job possible to prepare them for adulthood.
Reset Your Role : – As children leave home to venture into the world our concept of ‘family’ changes. Our role, once all-encompassing, can become one that is more supportive and advisory. By focusing on yourself you can allow a new identity to emerge that is personal, authentic and independent of others. It is a wonderful time for your children to see you as a distinct person separate from being their mother. A woman who is vulnerable and has her own perspective on life. The use of ritual to celebrate this ’empty nesting’ transition is powerful.
Prioritize Yourself :- Prioritize you own needs and attend to you own welfare and well-being. You will find there is more opportunity for adventure, creativity and discovery of your ‘inner child’. It may be time to take more care with your physical health and well-being. You may also want to return to study, volunteer or create a new business. This is your time to make new personal life decisions.
This coming year I am introducing a six week series of Women’s Circle specifically to support women to discover themselves beyond the empty nest. I’d like to guide and encourage you. Something I couldn’t find when I was going through this transition myself.
If this sounds interesting to you, email me at jan@healingthematriarch.com I also encourage you to join the Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. A space where women can delve deeper into the content of each blog.
