Here it comes again. An uninvited sensation from my history. A story appears – inner thoughts and deep emotions of a past hurt. Unconsciously I become drawn into the mental rewind. Each time its slightly different. Something particular hits at the heart and I struggle not to be swept up in feeling sorry for myself and analysing each detail I recall.
These are the ‘second darts’. The ‘first darts’ were my initial responses to a past transgression. These later reactions surface beyond the event. Stemming from triggers that can occur weeks, years and even decades later.
Part of me draws away from the moment. Telling me this focus on the past is unhealthy and senseless. Yet it takes a huge effort to slow the ‘inner movie’ of the situation and redirect my attention. While its painful, it is also tantalizing to play the victim. To sit in righteousness believing I’m blameless. Angry that I even needed to experience this situation in my life.
Slowly the bigger picture emerges. I am but a bit player in the scenarios of life. I am constantly seeing only a small fraction of the lived experience of others – their family upbringing, the formation of their beliefs, their personality intertwined with their life experience. In return, they only see a small part of me.
Learning to forgive others
The stages of forgiveness are similar to that of grief. There is denial, anger, bargaining, anxiety and depression and eventually acceptance. Initially this is superficial acceptance but over time deeper layers can be explored. The process of forgiveness is not linear. Sometimes going back and forth between the various ‘grief’ responses. Surprising us when we feel vividly back at ‘square one’.
Begin by trying to really understand what happened. Look at the surrounding and actual facts of the event. What were the motives of each of the participants and the context for their respective actions. Really think about your own values and expectations in the relationship and those of others who were involved.
Recognize the injustice for what it is and be brave enough to call it out. Have compassion for yourself and self soothe the hurt you feel. Look for allies who will also support you. Ask them to bear witness to the situation even if you can’t get justice or resolution.
It’s important to take responsibility for your own experience of the event, even though others may have instigated the situation. See your part in the matter, even if its minor compared to others. Clarify what actions you will take and let go of ill will toward the other person, with compassion.
This is more peaceful than responding with resentment. A situation much like taking poison our self and expecting the other person to die. We only hurt ourselves by building our own angry, unforgiving responses. Instead look to disentangle from the situation, learn the life lessons and move forward. Set yourself free.
‘Forgiveness is a gift to myself. Forgiving frees me from the past and allows me to live in the present. When I forgive myself and others I am free.’
Affirmation card from a recent retreat
We can choose to give a ‘full pardon’ for an injustice
The full pardon is a complete pass or the ability to wipe the slate clean in regard to a transgression. We may dislike the person’s actions but have a deep understanding of why they behaved as they did. We can identify the many possible causes that led up to the situation. It’s possible to have compassion for a person’s suffering even if we choose not to interact with them.
What they did may be out of character to the person you know and love. Recognise signs of remorse or a change of heart in the other person. Identify any efforts they make to repair and do better going forward. Focus on the other person’s good qualities rather than on the particular transgressions that have caused the hurt.
Alternatively we may give disentangled forgiveness.
In this situation there is no presumption of compassion, no moral pass required or return to the full relationship of the past. The important thing is that we are not carrying around the upset in our own mind.
- We may still feel punishment is justified, but without having ill will toward the person.
- We are no longer pre-occupied with resentment.
- We no longer ruminate about past actions even if we wish others had stepped up more in the situation to support us.
- We feel a sense of freedom from the upset, even if we are not free of what happened or the other person. In response, we may strengthen our expectations and boundaries around the relationship.
- We have a choice about whether we allow that person a place in our life going forward.
We can also forgive ourselves
It’s important to admit to ourselves the part we played in the situation. We can feel appropriate guilt and remorse for our own impact on what transpired. Looking to repair and make amends as much as possible. We can reflect on the causes for why it all happened. If appropriate asking for forgiveness from the other person and any others impacted. Most importantly we can actively seek to forgive ourselves and recognise our own fragility.
We are ever evolving human beings. Our younger self responded only as they knew how. Taking a wider picture of our life as a whole can help us understand past situations and motives better. This allows us to be more forgiving of our earlier decisions and behaviours. In turn, we can have a softer heart for the transgressions of others.
‘The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world’
Marianne Williamson
Our relationships are valuable for making us more conscious, rather than being solely a source of our own happiness. As we interact with others we are hopefully increasing our understanding and self-mastery. Learning from our experiences and mistakes. Constantly changing and healing ourselves in the process. Forgiveness is an important and courageous life skill to learn.
