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Black Friday Madness

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Tommy Hilfiger, like countless other retail businesses, are having a Black Friday Sale. I know because my husband read the email to me this morning as he walked past on the way to our kitchen for breakfast. The funny thing was, he was wearing a Tommy Hilfiger shirt, which I amusingly pointed out to him. It felt like a surveillance moment and we both wondered – had Google and Tommy Hilfiger read his shirt and specifically directly targeted marketing toward him?

We had never heard of this Black Friday mania until we took a trip to the USA in 2013. As we chatted with our cab driver on the way into Honolulu, Hawaii; we mentioned we would be travelling on to mainland USA and spending time there until around the Thanksgiving Holiday. He asked us if we would be around for the Black Friday Sale. I suspect with the blank look on our faces he was bemused we didn’t know what the fuss was about.

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Fast forward nearly a decade and today in Australia we are inundated with marketing for Black Friday through to Cyber Monday. All our usually frequented brands are sending emails with discounted offers. Every television advertisement has the magic words ‘Black Friday’ to grab our attention. I get that it has been a challenging year for retail and this marketing campaign is the one big boost to kick start our Christmas shopping. What is disappointing is that the companies we regularly frequent are heavily discounting the prices we paid previously for their products. What is the purpose of staying loyal to them throughout the year? It makes more sense to just stock up big time over the coming days and stay mute until the same time next year.

In Australia we seem to be taking on more American traditions. Our Halloween continues to grow even though we have very little certainty around why it’s celebrated. It seems like a chance to dress up and eat lollies (‘candy’). It’s celebration is also an opportunity to scare everyone big time, as we discovered hearing about the Halloween wagon trail rides in some of the USA State National Parks. A Ghost Train ride on steroids – increasingly intense the closer Halloween approaches.

One traditional holiday that is a huge celebration in the United States is Thanksgiving Day. It just happens to coincide with Black Friday. When we were on the final leg of our trip we were in San Francisco. In the lead up to Thanksgiving, shops were decorated and people were making plans for gathering with family. Airports were busy as everyone seemed to be ‘travelling home for the holidays’. We felt a bit like refugee outcasts at our table for two dining near our hotel. Served by waiters who probably would have preferred to be home with their own families than serving tourists in a quiet restaurant. I felt for them, and we seemed out of place. It just gave me the yearning to get home to our own family before Christmas.

I’d love to see Australia adopt a form of ‘Thanksgiving Day’. Obviously it would have to have its own meaning here. In the USA this holiday is linked to a historical sharing of the bounty of a harvest between the Plymouth colonists and the Native Indian American tribe, the Wampanoag. I would hope there was a similarly inspired connection between our own early European settlers and indigenous Aboriginal peoples. In contemporary times, it has become a celebration of gratitude for the previous year and it’s ‘harvest’. A time to consciously count our blessings. This celebration is perhaps more pertinent than normal after the last two years we have experienced. We have made it through some difficult times and crystallized those things and people we are most grateful for.

I hope you ‘survive’ this Black Friday marketing weekend. Be mindful of your spending and hopefully find some special gifts for others as Christmas approaches. Our lives are lived 365 days of the year and hopefully we find each day as meaningful as the next. Life is too short and precious to do it any other way.

The Serenity Prayer

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When times are tough in our lives we may gravitate to the words of the Serenity Prayer. This well-known prayer has been attributed to various spiritual leaders. That’s for good reason. It provides us with a trusted recipe for good mental health and a foundational mindfulness practice.

Photo by Steven Ungermann on Unsplash

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can..

Reinhold Niebuhr

The Serenity Prayer can be broken down into two distinct parts. The first is the ability to observe our lives just as they are. In a sense to let what is happening within and around us just exist. The second is the ability to also change our life circumstance when it is not optimal. This requires a sense of courage and motivation to go deeper and examine ways we and our lives can be different. A journey that is filled with vulnerability, patience and persistence. We need to be brave and open to the possibilities.

From the day we are born life throws challenges our way. Some of us are dealt with more than others. Those challenges that negatively impact our childhood such as loss, abuse and neglect have the most ingrained influence on our lives. They are deep seated in our memory and trigger us when we least expect it.

We are also blessed with different personalities and temperaments – some of us are more open, positive and accepting of life. Others find life harder to navigate. They may be anxious, extra sensitive, impulsive, frustrated or prone to negativity.

The additional challenge of negative bias

As humans it is easier for us to store negative stimulus and experience. In a sense we have a negativity bias – a learnt pattern for our survival. Our minds are constantly looking out for danger and we tend to over focus and overreact to negative stimuli that come our way. When our mind is triggered to a perceived danger the stress hormone cortisol is produced. The cortisol rush sensitizes a part of our brain called the amygdala like an alarm bell, alerting our body to danger. We feel it in our thoughts and bodily sensations. It takes the nearby hippocampus to tone down the amygdala’s reaction and tell our brain ‘all is O.K.’.

Bringing in a positive perspective

To let in positive awareness to our lives requires a more deliberate and conscious practice. It is possible to have a series of fleeting moments of positive emotion such as joy, happiness and contentment but without allowing them to be internalized their benefits can be easily lost. To make these experiences ‘stick’ requires more concerted effort to work with the mind. We need to slow down and truly savour an enjoyable experience so it increases positive neural pathways. Research has found that our brain has the potential for change via neuroplasticity – bit by bit incrementally changing the chemical pathways so our experience of life is altered. American psychologist, Dr Rick Hanson PhD, speaks to our learned ability to Take in the Good. We can do that by increasing our awareness and creation of positive experiences, then allowing them to be expanded and fully absorbed within our mind and body.

Building inner resources to allow us to change.

A good starting point is to live in the present moment, living each day one at a time. Our own ‘histories’ of past experiences need a degree of our acknowledgement and a sense of self compassion. Yes, some of our experiences were tough and difficult. We can, with our hands over our hearts, soothe our hurt and sadness. Things may have been difficult to bear and involved harm and personal suffering. We may have also harmed others in the past.

The change we can bring is to let go and decrease the negative impact of our past events. To begin afresh today, knowing we cannot change the script. Yet, like a garden we can tend to the weeds, beginning to decrease or eliminate their hold on us. Letting go of what no longer serves us.

We can also foster a variety of inner mental resources to face life’s challenges – resilience, self-reliance, confidence, patience, generosity, compassion and empathy, feeling deeply that we are cared for and loved, being emotionally balanced, feeling inner peace and calm, experiencing mental strength, resolve and happiness. As each of these resources are developed we become less vulnerable to life’s slings and arrows. We are also a better source of support and strength for others.

Life is not without its challenges. At first we can accept with self-compassion the circumstances that arise. Observing and acknowledging them. Experiencing both the good and not so good of life. This is the first part of the Serenity Prayer.

Yet we don’t need to stop there. It is also possible to change the circumstances of life by reducing our focus on the negative and in a deliberate way enhancing our experience of the positive. The potential to change, the second part of the Serenity Prayer, is available to all of us.

Which one are you – speedboat, raft or sailboat?

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There are different ways we can move forward in life. If you are a speedboat it is at high speed and fueled with energy. Think of the motivated go-getter aimed at the direct path straight ahead. If you are a raft its floating along at the beck and call of the surrounding weather conditions. Aimless and perhaps lacking self-motivation and drive. Yet if you are a sailboat you have learnt strategies and a level of control when changes occur around you.

Photo by Karla Car on Unsplash

Throughout our lives we may recognise a variety of these approaches, or one tends to be our default mechanism when responding to life’s influences and challenges.

The speedboat is on a mission. It goes quickly and powerfully forward, always filled with ideas on how it will navigate life and remains constantly focused on a distant point. There is no stopping them once they have started, as they busy themselves and others with action. When a ‘speedboat’ births a project, relationship, or mission in life their ideas and enthusiasm are flowing thick and fast. They show leadership and direction for others and inspire the seeds of an idea. They are the ‘big’ thinkers and can easily change direction if needed.

As life progresses the speedboat may lose momentum. Its energy begins to deplete and others involved may also fall by the wayside with the burden of being constantly propelled forward. The speedboat is so focused on the future lens they may fail to see the problems that may arise around them. It is only when things start falling apart that they reach a point of recognition, overwhelm and perhaps despair. Even when things go well, there is little time for reflection and appreciation of the journey.

The raft on the other hand is propelled by factors outside itself. Without the energy of propulsion, it relies on the energy of the wind and water around it to gain momentum. Others are in control. There is no self-motivated action as the ‘raft’ waits for direction. When problems arise, they find it difficult to use their inner reserves of energy to problem solve and action a way forward. They may be stuck motionless, helpless and need rescuing.

When the going is easy, the raft has a delightful ride meandering along and enjoying the breeze, cool water, and the view. They have the opportunity to observe and embrace the experience in a carefree manner. Yet as difficulties arise, they have little in reserve to use.

Then there is the sailboat. With the use of tools such as its rudder, compass and sail, the sailboat can observe the changing patterns in the environment around it and adjust accordingly. The sailboat has knowledge of both currents and wind direction to inform its actions. When things are calm it can rest and enjoy the view, but when a storm comes the sailboat can call on its inner resources, strengths, and knowledge to navigate the way.

And when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails

Elizabeth Edwards

Each time the sailboat goes out on the water, it learns new skills to draw on. When it sails among others, as in a regatta, there is an energy and synchronicity as each boat weaves deftly around the other and the flotilla moves as a unit toward the distant goal. There is both energy and awareness of others, which is key to collective success.

If the sailboat is caught in a storm larger than expected, it has the resources to navigate toward a safe haven and rest until the storm passes. Alternatively, it sees the importance of calling in the coast guard for assistance, if required, to reach the shore so it can sail again another day.

In life, we can choose to respond as a speedboat, raft, or sailboat. Perhaps you can identify challenging times in your life when you behaved more like one than the others. As you journey through life and come across a difficult time, look at the perspective you are using. Ask yourself whether your strategy is serving you and if not, is there an alternate one.

Having Difficult Life Conversations

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Throughout life we are involved in conversation with others. The gravity of our conversations depends on who we are speaking to and the subject matter discussed. We use conversation to inform our ideas, opinions, and understanding of the world. It also allows us to share our perspective of the world with others and hear an alternate view in response.

For those we are closest to, the conversations we have hold greater importance. There are times in our life when ‘future’ conversations arise – deciding where we might live as we age, how we can continue to care for each other and what remaining life wishes and desires we have.

How do we prepare for these more difficult conversations?

Photo by Jeroen den Otter on Unsplash

Initially we need to solidify our own current viewpoint. This is our personal work. To clarify our own thoughts, emotions, and attitudes to a possible future scenario. It might require gathering information that is relevant and important in our own circumstances. It may also require speaking to professionals in the area of specific decision making – estate planners, financial advisors, life style villages etc. Look at a variety of options – see what they are.

Once you have some clarity it becomes time to broach the subject with those directly involved. This can feel like a nerve wrecking experience as often there is concern about how the information will be received. Know that clarifying your own thoughts has let you prepare.

Use tiny steps in the initial conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it?’ This allows for a gentle lean into an important conversation and also gives the other person time to process their own thoughts about what you have raised. When it is time to chat, allow for the time and space for discussion. Difficult conversations should not be rushed as they have the potential to be emotive. Try to limit distractions such as phones and other people overhearing the conversation.

As the conversation evolves, see it as a potential gift of sharing you give each other. Allow for plenty of space, in the form of silence, between what is said. This gives the opportunity for each person to process their thoughts and gather their responses. It is important to encourage time to be the one who is speaking, with time to be the listener. As tempting as it is to interrupt and share our view, it is important to allow each person to respond as fully possible.

Be open to flexibility.  A conversation may bring up strong emotions. Allow the person experiencing them the opportunity to express these, particularly if it is sadness or grief. Coming to their aid, to avoid our own discomfort, may stifle full expression and emotional release. Just be there and allow space for the emotion to flow. This is an important cathartic step in progressing with both the conversation and any subsequent decision making.

If decisions are made in the course of the conversation, see them as a guideline rather than a directive. Allow for changes of ideas to occur as the conversation continues to be processed. It is quite likely that follow up conversations will be necessary. The groundwork is done. Future conversations can build on what is established.

Having the difficult conversations with those we are close to is important. The alternative, which may be familiar, is leaving things unsaid. In instigating a conversation, particularly as we age, we give the opportunity for honest discussion about what matters. We can share memories, verbalize our love and concern for each other, and consciously work out ways to advocate each others’ wishes and desires in life. Keep open to the need for difficult conversations. The rewards can override the angst of speaking the first word.

November 2024
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