Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

What is Your Reason?

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Do you catch yourself nostalgically looking back over your past decisions? Wishing life was different. Thinking that among the alternate pathways you could have chosen, you made the ‘wrong’ one. I am sure you are not alone. As humans our ability to make good choices is impacted by biases in our thinking, and the previous life experience we can draw from. We can only make decisions based on what we know.

One of my readers made a profound statement that has resonated with me about this phenomenon. It’s that we need to reframe our nostalgic thinking to take in the reasons we made that particular decision at the time.

Unfortunately, early adulthood is a time when many of those important decisions are made. Where to live, the career or study path we take, whether or not to marry, if and when we have children …. The list goes on. It’s also a time when our brain is not fully matured for decision making and our life experience is lean and seems to be learnt ‘on the go’. Decisions can be made on impulse that have long term repercussions. Not only for ourselves but also for those around us such as family and friends.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Personally, I was faced with a myriad of life decisions in my early twenties. My mother had cancer and consequently died of the disease when I was twenty two. I was in my final year of university two hours away from my family. I had also met my future husband. At the time many of my friends didn’t know how to deal with having a motherless friend among them. Thankfully I was surrounded by a beautiful group of matriarchs, my university lecturers, who supported me as I completed my degree.

At the end of the year I made the difficult choice of following my fiancé to a new location away from my father and then seventeen year old sister. Each of us freshly grieving the loss. This decision has continually produced nostalgic reflection throughout my life. Causing me to make decisions to support family over my marriage at different times. It is also poignant again as our eldest granddaughter turns seventeen this year. I see in a very real, physical sense just how young my sister was at the time this life changing event occurred.

How can we frame these early decisions? To see that we gave ourselves valid reasons to make them at the time.

  • To understand how important it is to take the opportunities life provides for us. The alternative is to be frozen in a state of inaction and safety afraid we might get it wrong.
  • To accept the consequences. Once we choose a particular pathway in life, other doors will close. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and by looking back we may find we chose a particular path that has had repercussions throughout our life. See the consequences as life lessons that help us mature and grow wisdom. Interestingly enough, the longer we live the more likely a similar situation will arise that requires us to put into practice the life lesson we’ve learnt in a tangible way using our additional maturity and reflection.
  • Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. When you identify that you’ve taken a life path that has unintended consequences, give yourself forgiveness and compassion for being human.
  • Count your blessings. Okay, things didn’t turn out as you’ve expected, yet there are blessings in the pathway you have taken. Make a list of those good things that you have accumulated in life.
  • Find peace, ease and acceptance. Life throws so many choices at us. Some good and some not so good for us. You can only make your decisions on the circumstances and awareness you have at the time. Continue to see where your life leads from the decisions you actually make. There are often opportunities to redirect your life course or experience a missed opportunity you now crave in a different way.
  • Some choices are made for us. A health diagnosis, natural disaster or accident that brings with it an abrupt change of life direction. Even in these circumstances we can look at choices we can make moving forward.

As long as we live, we will be faced with making decisions among potential possibilities. You can only make those decisions on the limitations of the knowledge and experience you have at the time. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Life will continue to present both lessons and blessings for you along the way.

More reading on decision making: –

Making Authentic Decisions

Courage to Step Through the Opening Door

I Wish Life was Different

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Life is funny. The more years you experience, the more opportunity you have to reflect on each previous stage and reexamine your life choices. So many sliding door moments.  Times when you were presented with alternate pathways and chose one over the other. How many times have you wished things were different?

Reflecting on the past can leave us feeling a sense of ‘what if’ as we notice where different choices may have been made. Asking ourselves the question ‘how would life have turned out differently?’ We have the benefit of hindsight knowing how our choices have played out. If only we could see the future at any given moment through a crystal ball. Letting it inform our decisions and keep us on the straight and narrow. Instead we rarely have a full sense of the factors around our life choices and our regrets can lead to a sense of personal guilt and bitterness. I’ve learnt that while it’s okay to take a temporary journey into the past to ponder life’s path, the reality is that each moment of decision has now well and truly gone.

Photo by Trevin Rudy on Unsplash

Recently Hubbie and I had a conversation around regrets. He was in reminiscent mode about the beloved Torana GTR-XU1 he owned when we first met. It was his pride and joy and for me impossible to drive. I also owned my little blue Datsun 180B so we each had our own means of transport when we married. Within 18 months our first child arrived and Hubbie made the difficult decision to sell his car so we could transport our new baby around. Back then children’s car restraints were bulky and for the first few months it was a crib sized capsule that graced our back seat. To this day my husband bemoans getting rid of that car, wishing he had kept it as a collector’s item which would have substantially increased in value over time. The only problem was that if he’d made the decision to keep it then it couldn’t be driven and had to be mothballed in a garage over the decades. Not a particularly practical or economical solution for our young family.

Once we are independent from our biological families we face a multitude of decisions around our life choices. Our career paths, where to live, renting or purchasing a home, getting married or staying single, having children or not… the list becomes long and at times fraught. These decisions are often made in our twenties. A time when we are only just emerging into adult life and brain maturity. Yet they can have far reaching impacts on our lives ahead.

Some of those decisions are far from straight forward. There is often an alternate choice and path that would have led to a different life experience. It could be the dream of a different career or place to live, increased wealth and a more comfortable existence or finding that partner who supports you throughout the changes in your life.

‘Until we accept the fact that there is nothing we can do to change the past, our feelings of regret will prevent us from designing a better future with the opportunity that is before us today’.

Jim Rohn

Hubbie and I married early and very soon after became parents. Our daughter did the same which led us to becoming grandparents in our late forties. While we would not change this decision now and have two wonderful children and a bunch of grandchildren to show for it, life was challenging. We quickly went from two salaries to one as we became a family. Thankfully those were the days Hubbie was in the military so we were able to have subsidized rent rather than the added stress of a mortgage. I don’t know how we would have managed. We came to home ownership later in our lives when we were both working full time and our children at school.

The flip-side of our decision to become parents early in life has been that our children were independent adults prior to our fifties. We had the opportunity to explore life once again as ‘just us’. In addition, due to our circumstances, we were in a position to choose to retire early. Somehow from the whirlwind of combining working and raising a family we had traversed three decades of our lives.

Without the major commitments of life we found ourselves with time to reflect. Individually we were trying to remember who we were in those early years. What were our own initial dreams, passions and priorities when we met. We were also trying to fathom who we were now and our priorities moving forward. Temporarily it became an independent journey as we lived apart for several years. Eventually we reconnected and found a comfortable compromise in our life together. After forty plus years of marriage it continues as a work in progress.

Looking back over life can cause a painful journey of regret. Alternatively it can create within us acceptance of the past and its unchangeable set of circumstances. Our focus can lie on the silver linings that come from the more challenging times. For us, if we had waited later to have children we wouldn’t have the gorgeous family we so enjoy now. We also moved away when our young adult children probably still needed us, yet it allowed us to purchase a property in a sought after location when prices were much lower. There has been some challenges with this decision as our grandchildren came along. We have been less involved in their lives and have had to work at maintaining our connections. There will also be some hurdles as we age living away from potential hands on family support. We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sometimes the words of the Serenity Prayer help us to handle past regret by showing us the bigger picture. The ability to accept what we can’t change and to have the courage to change the things we can. It’s words seem the antidote to focusing on regret. Instead viewing our life in its current entirety, in all its complexity, with the focus and motivation to move forward.

Reimagined Travel in Your Sixties

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It feels so good to be out and about exploring the world in 2023. For many late baby boomers the much anticipated travel plans post – retirement were put on hold over the pandemic years. It seems many of us are making up for lost time now as our freedom to travel has returned.

Yet we are a few years older. Perhaps having kept our fitness reasonably well but noticing the small changes of advancing years. The ability to sustain long flights in economy class and sleeping in strange hotel beds night after night may be more challenging now. We are less agile and move slower than we did a decade ago unless rigorous exercise is part of our daily lives.

Here are some tips from our recent travels.

Before you Go

  • Money – Let your banks know when and where you will be travelling to prior to departure. Take multiple cards just in case you have issues with a particular one. Consider also taking some local currency for small expenses and taxis.  We have discovered Wise. It is a debit card you load with your own funds and has a good exchange rate for multiple currencies. You also instantly get a message on your phone when a purchase happens which is great for additional security. Both a physical and digital card are available to use.
  • Communication – There are probably a variety of ways to keep in touch while you are away from home. We like Whats App as a way to message and send photos and videos back to family. We were even able to do a video chat with our youngest granddaughter for her birthday when overseas. Another good communication discovery was buying an e-SIM card for our mobile phone. While local Australian carriers are good they can have expensive international roaming when overseas. With our e-sim we were able to keep our own mobile phone number while travelling and turn on the e-sim on arrival at our destination and use a local carrier while there. It was relatively easy to install, pay for and use.
  • Packing – we swear by packing cubes. We have multiple sized zipped bags. Ours were purchased from Zoomlite. Its so easy to keep clothing, shoes, toiletries and electronics in separate bags. They are sturdy, secure and make packing and unpacking a breeze. I often use one for overnight stays to contain all my needs for that time. There are also good sized ones to fit in backpacks or carry-on luggage.
  • Ease of flying – I always wear compression socks on long flights. It helps to avoid leg discomfort and the potential of DVT. It’s good to put them on pre-flight and wear them until you are safely back on the ground and mobile again. Aisle seats are good for access without disturbing others and the ability to stretch your legs mid-flight. Ear plugs, eye masks, socks and an empty water bottle (filled after going through customs) are also handy.

Travel in Comfort

Recently my husband and I spent three weeks in Greece. The flight time to Athens is around 19 hours. Crossing time zones in each direction as we traversed across the Australian continent, above the Indian Ocean and Asia. Eventually making our way to Eastern Europe and our destination. We opted for Business Class on Emirates Airlines to allow us the increased comfort of a flatbed. We are so glad we did as between meal times it was much easier to stretch out in the darkened cabin to get some sleep. The flight attendants supplied us a thin mattress, pillow and blanket for comfort and socks and an eye mask were available to keep us warm and adjusted for sleep.

The benefit of a comfortable journey was our ability to arrive that evening reasonably refreshed and ready for the activities we had planned during the following days. We didn’t skip a beat and had a wonderful, restful first night sleep in our hotel. Arriving at our destination in the evening is a good travel strategy. Most travel time has been in waking hours and it is easier to slip into the regular routines of your destination.

Balance your activity levels

Balancing tours and relaxation is a great idea once you settle into your holiday. Savour the opportunity to enjoy meals, people watch and connect with others from around the world where you are staying. Perhaps in our youth we tightly packed our days with sightseeing and activity, but now its more nuanced with slower, more observant timing to take in each experience. We had so many wonderful conversations with people around hotel pools and while sightseeing. It’s also important to take time to treat hotel and tour guides well by showing gratitude for their hospitality, assistance and local knowledge.

Keep on top of logistics.

Plan ahead in regard to the logistics of your holiday. Double check the transfers or pick up times for tours the day before. We found our hotel staff invaluable when we were confirming bookings particularly when they could speak to tour operators and companies in their own language. Check locations you are going to and research itinerary destinations to get more knowledge about what you will experience or see. That being said, its also good to make on the spot decisions to explore somewhere interesting. These experiences can end up being the highlight of your holiday.

One gem of advice that we would pass on about ferry travel, particularly in the Greek Islands, is to know the port names rather than just the names of the islands. While waiting for our ferry from Mykonos to Santorini we were uncertain which one to catch as the port names flashed up on the back of the vessel. It took a moment of intuition that being the only ones left on the dock as the large ferry was preparing to depart meant maybe we were also meant to be aboard. Thankfully the staff realised our predicament and physically assisted us onto the ferry ramp with our suitcases and ushered us aboard just as the ferry made its departure.

Accept the unexpected – ‘Go with the flow’.

And finally, prepare for the unexpected. Inevitably some things will not go to plan. We found ourselves with a two and a half hour transfer to Chania Airport in Crete. While we had to leave our accommodation earlier than expected the silver lining was the opportunity to see more of the islands beautiful beaches and rugged mountains along the way. It became our own private sightseeing tour.

As we headed back on our flight from Dubai to Sydney we found ourselves seated behind a young family with a four month old baby. There was also an elderly gentleman who was being escorted by a U.K medical officer on the flight. While the baby (and parents) slept relatively peacefully throughout the fourteen hour flight we often saw the elderly man with dementia and his carer walking the aisles of the plane. I think it would have been a more challenging flight for the latter pair. We all made it safely onto Australian soil, perhaps weary and experiencing jet lag for the following few days.

Look after yourself on your arrival home.

Once home, it’s important to slow the pace before returning to regular activities. Sleep more if you need to until your body clock returns to normal. Allow your body to adjust its digestion patterns and energy levels. There will be time for the inevitable unpacking, washing and restocking the fridge over the next few days.

Reaching our later years often gives more time and opportunity to travel. It becomes a welcomed yet different experience. Managed well it can enrich our lives. Plan well, pace well and stay available to take advantage of the unexpected. While in youth we crave as much experience as possible, at this stage of life its about savouring each moment and creating and sharing lasting memories.

10 Aspects of the Heroine’s Journey

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The term ‘the heroine’s journey’ evolved from the original work of author Joseph Campbell. He extensively researched the structure of stories and myths from around the world and over time and found a common architecture. One that mirrors our own life experience of transformation.

The Hero’s (or Heroine’s) journey reads like a three act play: –

Act 1 – Setting the scene. Who you were at the beginning of your journey. What was unfulfilled in your life? What did you most desire? How were you coping or not coping with the situation?

Act 2 – Here we reach the centre of your story. We are keen to know the answer to the following questions. What is the crisis, change, struggle or challenge you face? How did you respond? What actions did you take?

Act 3 – Coming to the other side of the experience – still with its own challenges but facing them differently with the insight you have gained. Questions like these are asked and answered. Is there a transformation? Who are you now?

Photo by Gabriela Braga on Unsplash

‘Change brings challenges and stories show us how to face and overcome these. They inspire and instruct us’

Alison Wearing (Memoir writer)

While Joseph Campbell’s focus was on the masculine struggle in stories Psychotherapist and student of Campbell’s, Maureen Murdock, highlighted the feminine journey. A similarly structured sequence with its own unique aspects.

  1. A young girl grows up surrounded by stories that make her believe she exists in a perfect world.  She sees herself as an equal while also believing the men in her life will take care of her. (Cue our childhood fairy tales). She is eager to please and relatively naïve about life’s realities.
  2. Real life experience reshapes her beliefs. She finds herself in situations where she feels unprotected, hurt or possibly abused by others. As a woman she lacks a position of power or authority. Her people pleasing is taken advantage of and others push her boundaries leading to disappointment with her life and her place in it.
  3. Feeling hopeless is tempting but instead she tries to do something to address the status quo. Others tell her she can’t do it. She wonders what others will think yet is motivated to change the whole direction of her life. She leaves the safety and security of what she knows and her ‘home’. She looks outwardly for tools and people to guide her journey.
  4. Now she is in the eye of the storm. She is living in survival mode. She fears letting go and expressing herself. There is a keen sense of abandonment and not knowing whether to trust her intuition.
  5. She makes small steps forward. There is some progress but also experiences of failure. Each time she picks herself up she realises she has learnt more about herself. Her courage, independence and self-compassion keep her moving forward.
  6. Things get worse and she feels a sense of failure and defeat. A sense of hope seems far away.
  7. She reaches for the feminine quality of connection allowing others to give her a hand. She embraces the support and understanding of others and sees her own feminity in a more positive light.
  8. She is now stronger and more aware. She sees the world differently. Her qualities of courage and wisdom come to the fore. She is more confident of her place in life and faces her own fears with self-compassion.
  9. She returns to the world as it exists with a new clarity. Seeing the world for what it is rather than the idealized one she once believed in. She has changed but so too have those around her who have witnessed her journey. Some will stay firmly by her side while others are no longer part of her life. She now has a new toolkit of coping strategies and the rewards of her journey stay within her.
  10. Her own heroine journey becomes an inspiration. She may advocate for the struggles her journey entailed, supporting and equipping others who experience similar situations. It may lead to deeper meaning and life purpose as she shares her own story of transformation and change.

Take a look back over your own life. There are probably times you can identify when you have been on your own heroine’s journey. Change is always happening in small increments. Often silently in the background shifting the dynamics in our life circumstances and relationships. The term ‘stuck’ often arises when we feel unable to move forward. What we are feeling at that time is an invitation to take this transformational opportunity.

May 2025
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