Healing the Matriarch

Not too many readers would know that my first foray into writing was a small blog called Encore Living. It predates my current blog, Healing the Matriarch, which has allowed me to reminisce over my life experience, particularly as a mother. Healing the Matriarch has also helped me to process and heal from past painful experiences and face my grief over early mother loss.

In Encore Living I began writing about my experience of early retirement and anticipating the ‘what next’ of my life adventure. At the time my husband and I were definitely in the honeymoon period that surfaced once our schedules loosened and we were no longer structuring our lives around our professional careers. We travelled extensively, creating wonderful new memories and renovated our home as our ‘forever home’. There was lots happening mentally and physically to sustain us.

Little did we know that at some point in this journey we would slow down and find ourselves grappling with our changed identity and a distinct lack of purpose or vocation. At times, daily life felt like an echo chamber of nothingness. As a result, our relationships and emotional health suffered.

The Encore Living Phase of Life

The words Encore Living typify for me the time we reach after the Main Act of our lives. A time to slow the pace and step back from our previous busy life of juggling family and work responsibilities.

When I picture it, I imagine how it feels at the end of a wonderful live stage performance. A lull forms over the audience as everyone realizes the experience has come to an end. Then there is a growing anticipation of the encore to follow. Often the audience begins to join a collective chorus of claps and shouts as excitement builds. Each individual wondering what best known pieces will be played. As the performers come back on stage, just as anticipated, the offerings of an encore are the juicy best parts of their repertoire.

‘Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength’

Betty Friedan

The encore phase of our lives is often referred to as the third stage. A time for transition, adjustment and settling into our older selves. Bringing with it more authenticity, vulnerability and wisdom. It is usually a time where we have a greater choice in how we spend our time and the activities we engage in. Our diaries and calendars are more fluid giving the opportunity to make both anticipated and spur of the moment plans. Many of us have travel on our minds and ‘bucket list’ items to cross off. There is an increased awareness of the preciousness of the additional days of living we are gifted with. Yet we are also keenly aware that our mental and physical health may change in an instant and require a major adjustment.

Meaningful Connection

Earlier connections in our lives often revolved around our family, friends and workplaces. We naturally bumped into one another in the course of the day. The rhythm of this social stimulation helped to meet one of our basic human needs – belonging and knowing we matter to others. We had roles and responsibilities that bound us. They also gave us a framework and purpose for our daily lives.

Connections take on a slightly different form as we step into the encore years. They are more deliberately chosen interactions and there is often more time for deeper conversation as life slows a little. We get to know others better and hear where each of us are vulnerable. At this time there may be changes to where we live and new communities to integrate into. This can be challenging initially as we can feel a bit lost in a new space having to form new friendships and create new routines. My advice is to be kind to yourself. Allow time to slowly reconnect and even feel a sense of ‘home’ in your new place. Spend time trying a few activities that appeal to you. If they don’t, keep exploring until you have a sense of how you want your week to flow. Be open to new friendships and social invitations.

Family connections take on increased meaning. Time with grandchildren is precious, and so too is time with aging parents. Gathering family together and travelling to spend time with them can become a priority. Desires to create lasting memories while we can become important.

Vocation – more than our work.

Previously we lived rather set identities. The encore years can herald a reimagining and reinvention of our passions and interests. Whether it’s a physical activity that we found hard to fit into our daily lives or a creative activity that we can immerse in, new pursuits can enhance our lives. It’s often not surprising that these activities come from things we previously loved doing, perhaps even way back in our childhood or adolescence.

For me, writing was something that came from my journalling. I found that putting pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard allowed me to make sense of my lived experience. I also found myself back at university in my fifties studying a post-graduate course in psychology. This was out of interest and feeling the need to find something to stimulate my mind. It certainly achieved that and also had the benefit of connecting me with other women in a local study group. While I didn’t pursue psychology beyond study as a second career, the knowledge increased my appetite for reading and courses in the area. That accumulated knowledge and observation has translated into the blogs I have written to date.

Once my children were young adults and my career as a teacher came to an end, I felt a nurturing gap within me. Slowly a widened purpose has emerged directed toward nurturing and supporting women, mothers and young children in our community. Its possible that the core element of our professional lives can lead to fulfilling post work pursuits. It may be with animals, the natural environment, advocacy on social issues or supporting people at particular stages in their lives. For my husband, it has been a culmination of each of his multiple careers to drive his current involvement in a sport he loves. It has combined his analytical, mechanical and computer skills in a wonderful synergy.

Well-being

The journey through Menopause is gaining greater recognition and awareness.  It’s a transition that impacts a large percentage of our population at any one time and the variety of symptoms experienced can impact our quality of life. Thankfully more research has been done and information on Women’s Health is now more prominent and accessible. Each women’s journey is unique. For some it is more about physical symptoms, for others it can take an emotional toll. A wholistic approach that looks at nutrition, exercise, sleep and self-care can support this transition.

Factors in exceptional longevity, living well to the years beyond the age of 85, have also received increasing research. Physical factors are important including regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep and avoiding smoking and excessive alcohol consumption. Having a positive and optimistic outlook on life is also intimately related to living longer.

To age well involves a wholistic approach which looks at both the mind and the body. It’s important in establishing any wellness practice to take it slowly and do it in an enjoyable way. This helps to sustain and motivate you to continue long-term. Another important factor is to ‘mix it up’ occasionally with variety and novelty to challenge the mind and body with new movement or eating patterns.

Research has also increasingly focused on the world’s Blue Zones. These are areas where more of the population are living longer, with active and purposeful lives. Environment and diet are playing their part. Having a sense of purpose throughout life is crucial to longevity. The Japanese call it Ikagai – finding the intersection between what we love doing, what we are good at, what we can get paid for and what our world needs. In that space lies the habits and mindset to live our best lives.

The Encore Years of our life are an incredible opportunity for enjoyment and continued meaning. The transition from the most active years of our life may feel at times bumpy, just as our path from childhood to adulthood had its own challenges. Yet numerous invitations await. The chance to live with increased meaning, doing more of what we love, setting our own pace and focusing on our personal well-being. Embrace these precious years and make the most of them.