Healing the Matriarch

Do you remember the first time you visited a new travel destination?  Your senses feeling overwhelmed by all the different sights, sounds and smells. You could barely take everything in. As your emotions swelled the part of your brain making strong memory connections was activated. Storing snippets of impressions and words to make associations with your experience.

Years later, as you look back on that time, you rely on the faded pictures of a photo album as you reminisce. Yet how you remember things is not of the actual experience. Instead it’s a personal lens of the past that you create from the position of who you are in the present moment.

My husband and I are about to embark on a return journey to a place we once visited. We had our honeymoon in Tahiti and now 43 years later we are taking the journey again.

Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash

At the time we were young newlyweds and the islands of Tahiti were relatively undeveloped and naturally beautiful.  Our time was spent at Club Med Moorea where the currency for buying drinks at the bar were small orange beads and during the day the activities director’s call of ‘volleyball’ could be heard all around the central area of the resort. Our accommodation was a simple bure hut which was occasionally frequented by the local wildlife. When we ventured outside the resort the roads were quiet and the local villagers friendly.

As we now recall our first trip we rely on the faded physical photos found in that old album. Snippets of experiences of much younger versions of ourselves. Me, waving to the camera as we prepared to board our flight to Papeete. Photos of the hotels, food buffets and entertainment. Our smiling faces either lounging on the sand, playing group games of tag in the shallow, crystal clear waters or gazing wistfully at one of Moorea’s beautiful sunsets.

This time we return to Tahiti we know will be different.

We are different – with decades of marriage and life experience that separate us from our youthful experience. The locations of mainland Tahiti and its islands will have changed. We expect more development and tourism will make for a different landscape.

We are experiencing Tahiti with a wonderful group of fellow travellers. Meeting on a previous group tour, the friendships we forged on that trip became the catalyst for planning more adventures together. There are so many places to explore in the world that Tahiti was only slightly on our radar for a return visit. Yet when this location was suggested our response was ‘why not’. It wasn’t a lengthy decision.

This time our holiday is more luxurious. We will be travelling in style cruising the Society Islands of Tahiti, Bora Bora and Moorea. Our shore excursions will take us to places we haven’t seen before and provide a multitude of new experiences. We will be freshly baking new memories. Making comparisons with our previous trip while also deepening our impressions as we experience the new.

Revisiting a place from the past can provide a unique experience. On the one hand it holds memories and a sense of familiarity. On the other, it’s an opportunity to experience something differently. The key is to go without expectations of what you will find. Instead allowing things to unfold and new memories to form along the way.

In our private Facebook group, Healing the Matriarch Community, I have recently introduced an exercise around creating a Vision Board with our comfort zone positioned firmly at the middle. I like to do the exercises alongside everyone as it gives me insights about both the task and myself. Vision boards can be a powerful tool to visualize and manifest new things in our lives.

Putting together my comfort zone circle was a pleasurable experience. It’s filled with pictures and words I associate with gratitude, love, what I’ve accomplished and what brings me fulfillment. It’s also about those moments in my life when I have felt the most freedom to be myself. In a way, its like a snapshot of the positive aspects of my lived experience.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

An expanded Sense of Our self

Kristen Butler in her book The Comfort Zone speaks of the idea that we have an ‘Expanded Self’. When we think of her she is reaching beyond our known and comfortable zone to our dreams and aspirations. This expanded self is living the ideal life we dream of. Filled with peace and contentment. For Kristen, the key to creating what’s possible in our lives is to stretch from what we know and scaffold the steps to change. Her Comfort Zone Vision Board process made sense to me as its creation involved ever expanding circles with those items that we desire that feel slightly outside our current experience in the first outer circle. Other items that feel less attainable sit on a second larger outer circle of the board. The goal is to find ways to bring our dreams closer to our current reality.

What I wasn’t expecting with this exercise was the procrastination I experienced in creating this sense of my expanded self. I kept telling myself that I was fine just as I was and to change that narrative started to feel like I was upsetting my apple cart. There were thoughts of ‘why change anything, if its not broken’. I was satisfied with the status quo, thank you very much. There is an ease and peacefulness in living life in what’s familiar. Previous changes in my life had often been associated with a sense of feeling unsettled and uncomfortable.

Yet another part of me knows that change is always happening in our lives. I was reminded that life would not always be as stable as it is now. I also knew that if I wasn’t in the pilots seat consciously examining and planning the next chapter of my life, that things around me would continue to change and I would have little control over the narrative. If I wanted a sense of control over the process, it needed to be examined.

” When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care” – Pooja Lakshmin M. D.

So where did this mental block come from?

There are two trains of thought I’ve come across about our experience of the comfort zone. Kristen’s, that it’s a great place to live and expand our life from. The other is that living within our comfort zone is a form of fake wisdom. Australian social psychologist, Hugh Mackay, challenges the concept that we as humans thrive on stability. Instead he believes quite the opposite. That humans thrive on the experience of being taken out of their comfort zone. He sees it as the space where we embrace, rather than resist change. We are more productive, stimulated and satisfied.

As humans we thrive on novelty rather than sameness. When a baby or young child encounters something new they show renewed focus and a strong sense of curiosity. While peace of mind is still an attribute we aspire to, its ongoing role is to help us navigate the inevitable bends and twists of life.

So, what can we do?

Use our previous experience – When we are experiencing something new or unexpected we can draw on what is familiar and take it with us into unfamiliar territory. For example, over our life times we will travel. This is a wonderful novel experience filled with different cultures, languages, food and customs. Yet it’s the lived human experience, just in a different location. Often if we go to a new destination we have navigated the transport, accommodation and sightseeing logistics elsewhere so we are not starting from scratch. We can also take our human qualities of respect, courtesy and kindness with us.

Use the experience of others – It is comforting to know someone has set foot in this unknown territory before us. We can gather information and seek mentors who have knowledge. How did they get there? By tapping into the experience of others we can feel supported along the way. We can also read books and articles, join groups to help build confidence and seek out advice from professionals.

Do it our own way – Experience something new in a way that is enjoyable and doable for you. I recently joined a group on a 50 km bike ride. It was something I had been reading about and the images inspired me. The night before our ride I expressed my concern about keeping up with the group who were fitter than I. They took on board my concerns and together we decided to take breaks and enjoy a more leisurely pace. It became an enhanced, enjoyable experience where I was able to extend myself comfortably.

Examine our fears – When we are confronted with something outside our comfort zone it often triggers our feelings of safety. Our negativity bias (based on our fears) hones into what might go wrong, rather than focusing on the potential and benefits of an experience. When that feeling arises take time to do a reality check. Are the concerns based on a previous experience that is no longer relevant? Could the fear you feel be an inner excitement rather than a warning about taking on the challenge.

Wishing for stability, with all our apples safely stored in our apple cart, is realistically not possible. Eventually each of us are confronted with changes that prompt some action. Allowing ourselves to step out of the familiar space of comfort can expand both our sense of who we are and also our capabilities. With our inner resources and those of others we have the supports we need to move forward.