Healing the Matriarch

One of the most challenging skills to learn is that of empathy. It’s our ability to share and understand what other people are going through. In order to do that – we need to be able to listen and observe, understand, and connect with others.

Learning empathy toward others –

When I was teaching young children much of the conversations around their misfired interactions centred on asking them ‘how do you think the other person feels? I would get them to look at facial features, emotional cues and how the other person had reacted when they were emotionally or physically hurt. In doing this I was hopefully planting seeds of empathy and their ability to understand that our actions do affect others. To help them to figuratively take a walk in another person’s shoes.

As children grow into adults we hope this learning continues but from research we find that we collectively show less empathy than we used to. According to psychologist, Jamil Zaki, our collective empathy has been eroding over time. The average person has less empathy than three quarters of people 30 years before. (Kohrath et al. 2011).  That’s pretty disheartening.

Yet we also know that empathy is a learnt skill that we can practice and improve. If we are able to turn toward rather than turn away from an uncomfortable situation it is then possible to build our empathy into a habit and characteristic of who we are. It takes the ability for us to slow down and pay attention to how other people feel. To let them and their life stories into our awareness. It also requires us to use our intuition and mind together.

‘The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world’

Plato

Today’s world is fragmented. We watch politicians and those in authority miss the mark on understanding the needs of their people. A lack of concern and respect for the wellbeing of the elderly and for women’s issues is being increasingly highlighted. Racial issues continue to not be addressed. We turn our backs on the housing crisis and homelessness. Poverty is real for an increasingly large sector of the population who can no longer access employment and provide the basic essentials of life for themselves and their families. There are so many areas to build our empathy muscle.

Sometimes it feels easier to turn a blind eye to injustice. To feel entitled to maintain the status quo if we are lucky to have advantage in one form or another. The current ‘White, male and entitled’ call out is systemic of a lack of empathy and perspective taking by a particular sector of the population. Yet as a learnt skill increased empathy is possible, with a caveat, as particularly for males it requires an incentive.

We need to find that incentive to create a more harmonious and caring world. Perhaps it starts when children are young. Exposing them to a diverse range of people and fostering their interaction with them. As children grow into teenagers and young adults the empathy training – respecting and understanding difference and deliberate exposure to a wide range of life experience can continue.

So, what is the incentive: –

1. To deepen and create more balanced, respectful relationships. By building connection with a diverse range of people and their perspectives you become a better leader, parent and romantic partner.

2. Find purpose and ability to make a difference in our world. Supporting and advocating for those less fortunate. Sharing skills and knowledge. Lessening personal loneliness, isolation, and anxiety.

3. Improve the wellbeing of others and in turn improve our own. Compassion and connection are key.

As you go about your day, notice your own ability to tune into others. Do you avoid or turn away from uncomfortable encounters or do you take time to lean in and stay uncomfortable for a while to another person’s distress. The more you are able to practice empathy the more it will be a habitual part of your life and an asset to those around you.

A group of women gravitated to the painting. Mesmerized by the facial expression of the woman in the kitchen. Perhaps we have been this woman. Caught on a roller coaster of busyness. With a long list of things to do. Unable to sit and just be by ourselves for any length of time.

We all smile at each other with knowing looks and one woman responds with ‘Too much work and not enough pay’. We all giggle in recognition. Perhaps it is not monetary gain we seek from our doing. Just a word of appreciation or recognition for our efforts or an offer of a helping hand is all we need. Just once, we would like to share the load or to take a rest from our endless activity.

When we overdo the busyness of life, trying to be everything to everybody, it is easy to feel resentful and overwhelmed. We often don’t realize we are in a vicious cycle until we see the signs of physical and emotional burnout from our efforts to constantly give. Somehow we feel a moral obligation to be fulfill this feminine cultural norm. As women we have learnt to stay pretty, happy, quiet, calm, and generous with our time.  As a result, we are more likely to suffer from what has been coined Human Giver Syndrome – the desire to constantly tend to the needs of others to the detriment of meeting our own. We feel inadequate or punish ourselves with the ‘I’m not good enough’ label if we take a moment to rest.

As a result we may feel a slight annoyance at our inability to advocate for our own needs. With the continual demands on our time and additional external stressors that crop up in life our emotions can strengthen to feelings of frustration, anger, or rage (attack responses) or worry, anxiety and fear (avoidance responses). Alternatively we can just come to an emotional grinding holt (the freeze response).

Identifying Burnout

Emily and Amelia Nagoski in their book Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle have identified three components of burnout.

1. Emotional exhaustion: – Our bodies are constantly processing our emotions. When we are often in stress mode it seems easier to push these feelings down into the inner reaches of our bodies – our blood vessels, digestive, and endocrine systems.  Left unprocessed, these emotional responses can lead to physical symptoms such as higher blood pressure from adrenaline pumping for longer than required and gut symptoms from unresolved issues. Our bodies are left lacking energy and feeling dull.

2. A decreased sense of accomplishment: – Although we may have been in a constant state of action we can get the sense that ‘I can’t make a difference’. Particularly when the outside world is full of stressors that seem outside our control e.g. natural disasters, the Covid 19 pandemic.

3. Depersonalization: – We can feel a real sense of brain fog detached from our bodily responses. Our ability to show empathy and compassion becomes depleted. This can lead to us experiencing compassion fatigue.

Ways to process your emotions effectively and avoid burnout

• Doing physical activity that you love. Walking, going for a run, dancing in the living room, even a few minutes stretching your limbs than flopping to relax calms the nervous system.
• Remembering to breathe. Deep, slow breathes both in and out right down to the abdomen. Focusing on the breath rather than the thoughts running around in our brain.
• Lovely, positive interactions with others.
• A good, natural bout of laughter. Unforced, real and belly giggling.
• A long hug in a safe context. Hold your own centre of gravity with another and stay in the hug until you both feel yourselves relax.
• A good, old fashion cry. Contrary to our beliefs, once we start we usually can stop after a few minutes. Crying is a physical expression of our stress and its release. Focus on the physical sensations rather than the mental reason for the tears.
• Get creative. Take the inner emotions outside the body to paint, write, dance, or use your imagination.

‘Take your broken heart and make it into art’

Carrie Fisher

It is important, particularly for women, to be able to voice our own needs, ask for help or advocate for much-needed time out. In doing so, we honour ourselves. Creating the opportunity to process our emotions allows for the possibility for us to recharge and energize. Focusing on our own wellness, both physical and emotional, helps us create a balanced life view – good for us and good for those we care for.

There is something magical in receiving and keeping something handwritten. It feels like the energy of the person is palatable on the paper along with their words. Unlike the uniformed letter formation of the typed word, handwriting is unique. Each person has a particular way of crafting the letters of each word and the sentiments of their writing is theirs alone.

When my husband and I were newly courting we were living apart. He had moved to his next Air Force posting and I was in my final months of university completing my Education degree. During that time we maintained connection through handwritten letters. Our words contained delightful offerings of our love for each other and our plans for our future together. I wish I had kept these letters as they would have been a constant reminder of our initial love and connection.

Handwriting is more connected to the movement of the heart.

Natalie Goldberg

My father loved carrying a notebook with him. All the important things he wanted to remember running his business were written inside. I remember the small notebook and a pen were always placed in his shirt pocket handy for the next time it was needed. They were faithfully returned each time his shirts were laundered. At the time of his death we decided to place a fresh notebook and pen with him in his coffin just in case he found something profound to add.

Thankfully, I do have examples of his distinct handwriting as I do my mum’s recipe notes which are cherished reminders of my parents. I also have old bibles with the handwriting of a grandfather I never met. Enclosed in his handwritten notes are his reflections on the scriptures and evidence of his strong faith. In his handwriting I have a window into his soul.

The practice of writing – whether in a letter, note or journaling is a beautiful form of reflection. A vehicle to take the thoughts from our mind onto a piece of paper. A valuable reminder of what was important at a particular moment in life. Whether it is something we need as a future reference, a declaration of love or as a practice to clarify our thoughts, the written word becomes a trusted companion – faithfully stored on a physical piece of paper. Each addition allows us to remember snapshots in time and prompts others to have a sense of those moments even when we are no longer here. The physicality of a handwritten note or letter is a tangible reminder of a loved one’s existence.

Writing can chronicle life. Creating a habit of regularly writing is a valuable resource. It allows us to remember and reflect on what is happening in our lives. We can also see how we are changing and growing in our perspectives. When handwritten, our thoughts take on a life of their own. Allowing us to leave a piece of our existence for others to physically hold onto and cherish.