Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Facing Your Vulnerabilities

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Where are you most vulnerable? Those parts of your life that tend to bring you down when the rest of your personality feels strong. These are often referred to as your Achilles Heel. We all tend to have them and they continually challenge us and impact our lives.

The term Achilles Heel has a mythological origin. It is named after the Greek hero, Achilles. When he was a small child his mother dipped him into the river Styx in an attempt to make him invulnerable from injury. She held him by the heel, which of course stayed dry. Consequently that small part of his body became his vulnerability and eventually his downfall in battle.

Achilles also has his name attached to a part of our body that connects our calf muscle to our heel. Many of us can attest to the debilitating effects of damage in this area. It tends to stop us in our tracks when injured and takes time to physically heal.

In modern times, the phrase has taken on the meaning of a weak spot or vulnerability in a person.

Photo by Erika Fletcher on Unsplash

Let’s take a personal inventory of our possible ‘Achilles Heels’.

Mortality

This can lead to our fear of dying and consequent inability to engage with and enjoy life. Over our lifetime we see our loved ones die. Each time it hits us as grief and love intertwined. The one thing our loved one doesn’t want for us is to continue our mourning for them instead of cherishing our memories and moving forward fully living our own lives.

It’s a hard one, because life will always provide triggers that pull at our heart and create possible regret and pain. Special occasions and milestones in life that are not shared. Conversations and physical contact that is no longer accessible.  Even when we become unwell or injured we feel closer to our final demise. It makes us consider our own fragility and temporary hold on life.

Pride

We can sometimes sit firmly in our own shoes and fail to empathize with others. In the process grudges can be kept rather than trying to understand and mend conflict. We can remain unforgiving which ends up hurting ourselves and fails to repair a lost relationship. Our own pride can make us self-obsessed or self-centred. In doing so we can fail to see the hurt we cause by not considering the impact we have on others.

Unreciprocated love

Love can be an absolute minefield. In our closest relationships we are most vulnerable to being hurt and let down. Sometimes it requires creating healthier boundaries around a relationship and focusing on our own self-care and love. Only then do we have the potential to attract someone who genuinely loves us in a mutual and available way.

Impatience

We can want life to change immediately. This can be a sign that we are unwilling to do the inner and outer work required. It also signals to us that the timing of life events is outside our personal control. It may even mean that we are destined for an entirely different life direction. Appreciating what is, rather than struggling for a hoped for future helps us stay grounded in the present moment.

Laziness/busyness

These feel like two ends of a spectrum. At times we can lack motivation to get on with life. Life fails to be joyful or purposeful. Other times we seem to be obsessed with getting things done. Our focus can mean we miss precious encounters with our loved ones by failing to be mentally and physically present. There is a need for balance between stillness and activity.

Selfishness

Life is about compromise. That is why we live within family units where not all our needs take priority and we learn compassion and empathy for others. There are valuable life lessons in getting outside our own ego. We learn to be humble, generous and supportive not only with family, but also with the wider world.

Impulsiveness

At times we can reach conclusions quickly. We make assumptions about situations and people without spending time to observe and listen. Take the time to gather information from a variety of perspectives. Reflect well, so your interactions can be helpful and measured.

Fear and inability to trust.

Trusting others and being vulnerable is scary. Use your intuition and other traits such as common sense, truth testing and observation; to guide you to who and what you can trust.

Sometimes you have to drop your guard so your heart can breathe

Emma Xu

We are all a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. If we are able to see both within ourselves, it is possible to decide ways that we can begin to change.

Having a chat with someone you can confide in may help to shift your perspective. We can be blind to our own weaknesses, if not examined, and also blind to our own strengths. Getting the perspective of others is helpful.

Once a weakness is identified look for ways to encourage its opposite. If you are prone to being a bit selfish look for ways to serve others. If you are fearful, breed some courage through action. If you are not feeling loved, deeply begin to feel love for yourself. Face your own vulnerabilities, or Achilles Heel, and use them as a source for your own personal growth.

The Old and Young Connecting

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I, like many others, have just finished watching Series 2 of Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds on Australia’s ABC television network. The series depicted the interactions of an intergenerational social experiment. Each day over six weeks, a group of elderly, who live alone in their homes, were bused to a purpose-built pre-school venue situated in a coastal suburb of Sydney. There they met up with a group of four-year-old children under the guidance of a multi-disciplinary team of early childhood teachers, psychologists, and geriatric specialists.

It was a delight to watch the connections blossom between the generations as they explored play-based activities together. Kite flying, dressing up, tea parties, painting, dance, games and excursions into the community were among the fun things planned. Laughter, tears, and plenty of cuddles were shared. The meaning and questions of life were pondered across the generations.

At the conclusion of the experiment major benefits were identified. For the older participants mobility and life satisfaction had improved. New connections had been formed with their fellow participants, the children, and their families. For the four-year-olds, there were particular benefits with pro- social skills. These skills include awareness of the emotions of others, helping skills and empathy. For the families it was the beginning of a bond between each of the elder/pre-schooler natural pairings that we all hope continues beyond the series.

‘We didn’t give them (the elderly) antidepressants we gave them interaction with children’.

Series 2 promotional video

As I watched the series I wondered what life would be like for us if we reach the eighth and ninth decades of our lives. Each programme gave much to ponder: –

Where will we be living and will that be with a partner or alone by that time in our lives?  

What will be the ramifications in regards to loneliness and depression?

Will we have a suitable level of mobility and good health if we choose to live independently?

Will we be able to effectively execute our daily tasks?

What connections will we have with our family and the community late in life?

How satisfied will we be with our lives?

I am at the end of the Baby Boomer generation and there will be a fairly large cohort of us reaching the later years in several decades time. I am hoping there is enough pre-schoolers and their families around to connect with us. My own grandchildren will be all grown up by then. Perhaps there will be great grandchildren to have wonderful, fun filled times with. If not, hopefully the multigenerational pre-school model may have taken off and be available in all our communities.

It will take development of a new sub model of service delivery for both the pre-school and age care sectors. Traditionally these two stages of life have sat like silos in society. Disconnected and therefore missing out on the benefits of integrating these care settings.

There will need to be a range of considerations to expand the existing model.

*Those who train prospective employees in the early childhood and aged care sectors will need to create specialized teaching units on each other’s specialty within their tertiary courses.

* It will require a multi-disciplinary approach as early childhood teachers, parents, psychologists, age care professionals and geriatric specialists create a team around this special elder/child relationship.

* Ongoing research should measure the effectiveness and benefits of an intergenerational preschool model.

* Venues and activities need to be carefully planned for and professionally supervised to maintain safety and enhance the benefits.

* Funding models will need to change to incorporate the integration of traditional funding with this new innovation. This will require a streamlined approach at government level. Currently both state and federal governments have responsibility in these sectors.

I am excited about intergenerational models within our communities. I am sure others who enjoyed and embraced the series are too. I hope by the time I am an elder these intergenerational preschools will exist widely in our communities. We will all be able to sign up for a fun filled, purposeful day of connection together.

Draw Her Wings – Motherloss Awareness Week 2021

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Mother’s Day 2021 is drawing near. The emails and promotional pamphlets have been circulating. Retail promotions and venues are once again gearing up for another marketing opportunity. Yet this time is an uncomfortable one for a large proportion of women.

For me, like countless others, Mother’s Day has become a time of reflection and at times sadness and regret for what could have been. My mother received her heavenly wings forty years ago. She was fifty-two years old; I was twenty-two and my younger sister only seventeen.

At the time she received a late diagnosis of bowel cancer. A disease that was not really understood at the time. Many of her symptoms were put down to menopause and were not thoroughly investigated until it was too late to act. My sister and I are among the millions of Australian women who have suffered motherloss and also among the unenviable subset of 1.2 million women who have lost their mums before the age of 44.

‘There are 3.7 Million women in Australia who have lost their mum. That’s millions who have lost the deep connection shared only between a mother and daughter.’

Motherless Daughters Australia.
Photo by Veit Hammer on Unsplash

There are so many occasions in my life where her absence was felt. The day I was married, the pregnancies and births of my two children and seeing my children grow into adults and begin to raise their own families. Even the opportunity to seek her opinion or cry on her shoulder when things got tough was denied. Oh for five minutes again with her on the earthly side.

It is difficult for motherless daughters to share the pain and grief they feel with others. Particularly when all around them they see mothers and their daughters enjoying life experiences together. Thankfully, a wonderful organisation, Motherless Daughters Australia, has provided a platform for support and awareness. Their website and public Facebook page provide valuable assistance when it is needed. Events are organised and general awareness promoted.

This week, May 2 – 8, is Motherloss Awareness Week. A time to let the community know it can be a difficult one for motherless daughters. Yet the loss of our mothers continues to be felt throughout the year. Motherless Daughters are being encouraged to Draw Her Wings in a variety of creative ways and post them to their social media platforms. The week begins with several Pre-Mother’s Day High Tea events in several of our capital cities. A time when women can come together to remember their mothers and share their stories. I will be attending the Canberra event.

For me, it will signal a time to begin rituals that will honour the brief time together that my mum and I had in this life. I will be bringing flowers and spending time at her grave and that of my nanna. There will also be time for me to celebrate my own role as a mother and grandmother with my adult children and grandchildren. That is incredibly special. It’s also a symbolic connecting of my matriarchal line.

From a time of sorrow can come a time of deep reflection and gratitude. I feel blessed to have come across the Motherless Daughters Australia organisation. Daily we can share our struggles and remembrance within a private Facebook group. We have opportunities to connect with one another online and in person. Each of us have been invited to take on the role of a motherless daughter’s ambassador creating a meaningful outlet and purpose from our lived experience.

Within our communities are countless women who will hold up the memory of their heavenly mothers this Mother’s Day. If that is you, go ahead, Draw Her Wings, and fondly recall your relationship together.

The Irresistible Older Woman

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What makes a woman irresistible as she ages? The common belief is that older women become invisible in our western society. Yet what if the stereotype we believe of ourselves as older women can be turned on its head and we take instead the persona of the irresistible.

Photo by Maria Lupan on Unsplash

‘You can be gorgeous at thirty, charming at forty and irresistible for the rest of your life’

Coco Chanel

To understand what qualities a woman can emulate, it is good to look at the meaning and similar words to that of ‘irresistible’. An irresistible woman is described as “too attractive and tempting to resist”. The attractiveness is more in her authentic inner glow than in the fleeting physical beauty of her youth. She is alluring, desirable, captivating, enchanting and fascinating.

What makes her irresistible in the eyes of others?

1. Her sense of knowing from a full life lived. She has a wealth of lived experience including the full spectrum of highs and lows. This has given her an intuitive wisdom and acceptance of what life is all about. Her knowledge is based on reality.

2. Her comfortability with who she is and all she has achieved so far in life. As an older woman she has experienced a variety of roles and situations. She has the maturity of an amazingly complex toolkit of life responses. This time of life allows her to reflect on her youthful days. The path she has taken and the joys and sorrows she has witnessed. Her physical allure is a different one. Her beauty comes from an inner radiance that prompts the love and admiration of others.

3. Her authenticity which radiates as a calm confidence. She has lived in her skin for a long time. She knows her preferences in clothes, interests, and people. This gives her the ability to interact with others in a genuine way and make informed choices around her needs. She knows what she wants from life and is more often capable of the means to achieve it.

4. Her mastery at the things that are her unique gifts. Older women have built upon skills over their lifetimes. At this stage of their lives they often have a mastery of particular skills and knowledge which can be valuable to pass onto others. As mentors and wise women they can take younger generations under their guidance. The evolutionary role of the grandmother to provide solid guidance on life skills for their grandchildren is a prime example.

5. Her myriad of stories to tell. Older women can be the keepers of memories for others. They have lived through a variety of eras and know that while some things change, others remain the same or return to us in a cyclical flow. Sharing stories and photos of previous parts of our lives can be fascinating to those who are younger. Others see us as we are today. Perhaps they also need to see that we were younger versions, just as they are, who enjoyed life in a variety of ways.

If you are a woman who is approaching or past the age of forty, take heart from the words of Coco Chanel. Know that your youthful attractiveness can give way to a more mature allure. An allure based on more inner qualities and life mastery.

Use the middle part of your life to reflect on what has been. What you have experienced and learnt in life. Assess the woman you have become with gratitude. Take time to explore your desires for the future. This reflection may require journal writing or looking through memories and photos. Know, with confidence, that your allure as an older, irresistible woman can continue throughout the remainder of your life.

June 2025
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