Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Finding Your True Inner Voice

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There can be so many conflicting voices in our head vying for attention. Arriving unannounced and at times uninvited to play with out thoughts and emotions. Waking us from our sleep or rendering us unmotivated and tired in our daily lives. These voices can be self critical or critical of others. Fearful for our own health and safety. Concerned and filled with worry for the health and safety of others. Angry at ourselves, others and the world. Deeply saddened by the current world situation.

In our daily lives we absorb the outside world – conversations, news and social media and even the unsaid which we interpret within. All these outer voices get filtered and processed within our mind and body.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

How do we filter the conflicting voices that try to sabotage our decisions, self beliefs and mood? Particularly when they speak loudly and try to drown out the quieter inner voice of our own truth.

“Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything.”

Henry Winkler

Look to the inner voice that speaks to you with love, understanding and compassion. The voice that has your back and your best interests at heart. The inner voice that bolsters your spirits, urges you to go after your dreams and gives you hope for the future. The more you listen to your true inner voice about your value and potential the stronger that voice will become. The more able you are to think clearly and calmly. Resolving issues that need your attention.

Create a space of discernment. Consciously step back and switch off from the constant bombardment of the outer world. Find a quiet space to allow your body to process and hear your inner thoughts clearly. Question the voices of negativity, criticism and fear. Are their ‘words’ true? Create a pause to listen to your inner response.

Finding your true inner voice is an ongoing practice. It is one that consciously requires creating space for discerning and sifting your thoughts. The rewards are increasingly honouring yourself and living your life authentically. A benefit that radiates beyond you back out into the world around you.

Sitting With Ambiguity

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How comfortable are you to sit in a space of not knowing about life? ….. A place where it feels like an empty hole or question mark, yet you have no desire to fill in the void that exists. I am finding as I get older I am feeling more comfortable, and actually enjoy waiting to see what fills the uncertainty.  Allowing the next step in my life to evolve of its own accord rather than trying to control any outcome. As I look back on life I can see the existence of these voids. Some were fleeting, lasting from a few moments to several months. Others have taken years to resolve.

I have experienced both the highs and sometimes the depths of experience. Yet I would say that most of my life thankfully has sat somewhere in the middle where my emotions and thoughts maintain a relatively peaceful existence. From that landscape of lived experience it has become easier to accept a majority of life’s circumstances. Knowing situations continually evolve. People come and go, and also change. That situations sit outside my control and often have to run their course. I have come to a comforting acceptance that the only changes possible are the ones I make within myself. Changes to my own circumstances and perspectives.

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

Life has offered a good degree of uncertainty lately. As we collectively navigate our lives during the current pandemic each day brings changes in our movements and habits. In a sense it mirrors life during more ‘normal’ times but we would feel the transitions more mildly and at a slower pace. When life changes daily, it can lead to a level of anxiety and concern that colours our enjoyment and ability to cope.

Longing for the Past

Yet all of life’s current experience is rich in teaching us life lessons and building our wisdom, courage and resilience. We are currently living in a time of great unknowing. Even if we wish we could go back to past experiences they are no longer ours. We may reminisce about previous travel, family dynamics that have changed as children grow up and loved ones pass away. There are fond memories that we can only hold in our hearts as they are no longer physically attainable. Yet parts of those past experiences shape the person we are in the present.

Wanting Future Change

We also cannot race into the future. Striving to be somewhere else or for our circumstances to change. The more we seek control, the less ease we have in life. It becomes easier to accept life for what it currently is, adopting an appreciation and gratitude for the Now. It is still possible to plan and dream for the future but it’s important not to hold too firmly to it eventuating. Perhaps if what we hoped for doesn’t come to pass a different future direction will emerge.

Living in the Present

So that leaves us firmly living in the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle says it is really the only moment we truly have and exist in. By being grounded in what is happening around us we can lead a richer life observing with our senses and being more fully engaged with the people around us and the situations and opportunities currently available. It allows us to go into a deeper enjoyment of life. Both going with the flow, and living in flow – a deep, timeless involvement with our creativity.

‘Truly nothing matters but the present, because it is the only place where life can express itself’

Don Miguel Ruiz

And in the present moment we can take advice from the Toltec Four Agreements from the work of Don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Take time to pause before responding to others. Speak with clarity, kindness and love. Words have a way of lingering in our thoughts and hearts. They have the potential to both hurt others and heal. Mend regularly by offering forgiveness where necessary.  Assertively ask for what you really want.

2. Don’t take Anything Personally. What people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

 Think of calmness as a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace. Perhaps criticism from others is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Also know that you will never please everyone and what others say need not influence your own sense of who you are and your self-worth.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

We tend to make assumptions about everything based on our own life perspective. We are all living alongside each other with our own unique version of life. The problem with making assumptions about people and situations is that we believe they are truth. Often they are not. It is always important to check in with each other to gain clarity.

4. Always Do Your Best.

Slow down and keep life simple to allow yourself to do your best. Flow in the moment and work with consistent care to produce the needed quality. Let go of perfection as it is unattainable. Be kind and acknowledge your efforts.

A Fifth Agreement has more recently been added.

5. Be sceptical but learn to listen.

The majority of what you hear is not true. You often hear perceived truth and sometimes it is fake news. Listen empathetically and utilise the power of doubt. Be aware that gossiping has become the main form of communication for humans and used to bring others down.

Striving to consistently live in the present moment takes practice. Bringing the mind back from ruminating about past events or wishing to be ‘somewhere else’ takes conscious effort. Get curious and comfortable with the present empty spaces of unknowing. Observe and listen to what is happening around you and implement the qualities in Don Miguel Ruiz’s personal agreements. Within the ambiguity of life is the potential for evolving as a person. If you have found this blog helpful, comment below or share with others.

Writing Yourself Home

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Whether it’s a eulogy, memoir, biography or journal entry; writing has a powerful way of capturing someone’s life. It is from the perspective of the writer, either about themselves or others, and chronicles both thoughts and emotions. There is power in telling out story.

Photo by Jodie Cook on Unsplash

Imagine if you had the opportunity to pen your own eulogy while you were still alive? This was the case with my mother in law. After a relatively short cancer journey she recently passed away. During her illness, prompted by a series of questions posed by our niece, she took the opportunity to write down memories of her life. At times it was in the form of amusing stories and her unique viewpoint on life. She fondly recalled dates, events, places and people.

We didn’t discover the handwritten papers until after her death yet we found among her words the makings of her life story/eulogy. What a wonderful gift she gave us at an emotionally distressing time. From her initial words we were easily able to piece together a fitting tribute to her life.

The Elements of a Eulogy

In the movie ‘The Last Word’ (2017) controlling, retired businesswoman Harriet (Shirley MacLaine) employs a young obituary writer Anne (Amanda Seyfried) to pen a fitting tribute to her life before she dies. She scours through examples of Anne’s work identifying four essential eulogy components.

1. The deceased should be loved by their family.

2. The deceased is admired by their work colleagues

3. The deceased has contributed a unique gift to the world.

4. The deceased must have particularly touched someone’s life.

Harriet discovers she falls miserably short on all four accounts and resolves to reshape her past by creating a new legacy. In the process she mends family fractures, mentors a young girl and pursues a job she excels at as a disc jockey. Anne and Harriet emerge with a life altering connection and a beautiful, simple eulogy Anne delivers at Harriet’s funeral.

 It is never too late. While we are alive, we can continue to write and rewrite our lives. To start afresh, to make amends with relationships that have turned sour, to learn from our mistakes and leave a lasting legacy. Each day brings an opportunity to positively influence those around us and make valuable contributions to the world. Sharing our time, abilities and love.

“Fall on your face. Fail. Fail spectacularly. Because when you fail, you learn. When you fail you live.”

Harriet’s words of wisdom to Anne.

The Writing Practice.

Cultivating a consistent practice of writing thoughts onto paper can provide the motivation to write our life’s story.  It may be free flowing or be prompted by a series of questions. Reviewing sections of our life helps us to clarify our memories and the emotions attached. Unresolved issues can be seen in a new light. Relationship rifts understood and forgiven.

If you were to begin writing your own life story or eulogy where would you begin? What are the experiences that have moulded you? The amusing situations that would give others a better picture of who you are. The events and relationships that have unfolded over the decades. The challenges you overcame.  Take time to piece together your memories and provide a valuable snapshot that will live on beyond your years.

Five Vulnerability Add-ons

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Vulnerability allows us to be ‘open’ and fully ourselves yet we need to approach it with caution. If we allow our vulnerability to remain unchecked, we also open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt, used or abused by others in our relationships. The Oxford Dictionary definition for vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

Photo by Celeste Horrocks on Unsplash

Our tendency to want to please others and remain co- dependent on their whims leaves us devoid of boundaries. Healthy boundary setting, that places ourselves squarely at the centre, allows us to make healthy choices and be more authentic. When we do this, those who appreciate us for who we are, will also be those who gravitate to us. We may lose some relationships or friendships but those may have been with people who are not necessarily good for us.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable

Dr Brene Brown.

Make a pact with yourself. If I choose vulnerability, I also choose these personal attributes:

Common Sense – One thing about getting older is the fact that you can look back at your own life and see situations where you made bad decisions. You may have been inexperienced, gullible or influenced by someone who put their own needs or agenda before your own. As a result your life has taken a different direction which in hindsight you personally would not have chosen.

The thing in life is we can only live in the present moment. The only decisions we can influence are our future ones. In that sense we can create or manifest changes in our lives. The past serves as our life lessons. We learn to accept the good and bad decisions we have made. Both have given us food for thought.

Gut Intuition – Is it a good idea? How does this change or expectation serve me? Our vagus nerve connects our two brains. The one in our head and the one in our gut. Often we allow our head to override what our gut is truly telling us. The need to test our assumptions and what is happening around us. Believe that you know what is best for yourself and follow your own gut advice. Ask is this person or situation good for me? If not, what steps can I take to remove and preserve myself?

Truth testing – Each of us live in our own inner worlds. We have unique experience of what is true for us and our perceptions of the world. Have the courage to delve deeper. To ask the difficult questions and clarify what others see as reality.

Observation – The void between what you are told and what you observe. Do they match? Do you have a sense that this other person can be trusted? Our time, opinions and priorities are our own and need to be personally guarded.

Time – Be cautious but not hasty. Often over time more is revealed. Make conscious choices that serve you – each moment and day of your life.

Vulnerability can be a strength of character. If we purposely and consciously test our vulnerability with the add on list above we can make more sound judgments while remaining authentically ourselves. Life will always be complex to navigate so let vulnerability serve you well.

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