Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Beyond Self Pity

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Its okay to throw a ‘Pity Party’ – an instance of feeling self-indulgently sorry for yourself. Particularly when life is challenging. The healing process begins when you identify that it’s happening and move beyond rather than stay in the pain and sadness.

It’s cousin, the ‘Dummy Spit’ is likened to a young child’s tantrum. When a child throws a tantrum they are overwhelmed by their emotions and find it difficult to communicate how they feel. They become frustrated, angry and defiant. We tend to soothe and help toddlers manage their distress. Thankfully as an adult we are often able to recognize what is happening and have previously used techniques to self- soothe our overwhelm.

Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash

Here are five strategies that can help shift self-pity.

Self-Compassion –

This is a self-attitude that involves treating yourself with warmth and understanding particularly in difficult times (Kristen Neff). Taking time to be as tender with yourself as you would if you were comforting someone else going through a similar situation. Normalizing your reaction by identifying that it is something that many others experience and can relate to. Observing rather than over identifying yourself with your pity. Use mindfulness techniques such as conscious breathing and relaxation. Gently stretch the limbs of your body to release tension. Find ways to soothe and care for yourself.

Acceptance –

Allow the current circumstances to flow like a river within your body instead of creating a figurative mound of sticks and twigs as obstacles. Having less resistance to what is happening in life can help reduce your stress levels. Perhaps the current times are asking you to slow down and simplify your daily routine. Then you will be more consciously aware when circumstances inevitably change.

‘Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living’.

Rachel Marie Martin.

Shift and release pent up emotion from the past –

Express your ruminating thoughts and emotions of sadness, fear and grief. If you can identify that they no longer serve you it is a good time to unburden them so you can move forward.

The shift and release process may be in the form of journaling freely until all your thoughts around a situation are down on paper and have run out of energy. If the pent up emotions involve another person a good strategy is to write down your thoughts in the form of an unsent letter. Describe how the situation has impacted you. Is there things you regret saying or doing? Do you need to seek or give forgiveness in the process. Remember the letter is to remain UNSENT. Often the kindest ritualized closure around the burden is to ceremonially burn the letter.

Bring more joy into your daily life –

Move with joy. Play, rest, work and adapt to the flow of any given day with a sense of joy. Rather than yearn for adventures in far off places see the beauty in your own garden and backyard. Add beauty to your home. Beautiful things to look at, smells that comfort or energize, tastes of home cooking, listening to music that soothes the soul. Every moment, even the routine ones, has potential to be joyful.

Gratitude –

Create a regular practice of appreciation and gratitude. Identifying and writing down a small list of those things you are grateful for can be a soothing balm to any feelings of self-pity. Focus on the less tangible things such as the beauty that surrounds you and the people who you care about. Possessions come and go rarely providing lasting happiness. As you wake each day realize how blessed you are to be alive and have the potential of the following twenty four hours.

Feeling self-pity is a normal, healthy response to challenging times in life. It becomes unhealthy if you continue to stay in the pain and sadness. By observing your current thoughts and emotions in a loving way it is possible to act, shift your focus and move forward.

Where Did My Life Go?

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Warning: A ‘Pity Party’ follows. ‘Pity Party’ – meaning an instance of feeling self-indulgently sorry for yourself.

I have an alternative universe going on in my head right now. One where I can freely move around to see my family and friends. I travel to wonderful destinations and enjoy lots of face to face time dancing, singing, creating and exercising. I can experience live events, visit galleries and museums and spend time in the presence of others and feel their energy. Then reality hits me with a ton of bricks. Life feels like it’s been turned upside down and try as I might, I am unable to correct it. I am craving a life that lives in my head, yet no longer exists.

I go about my day at home. Cleaning, cooking, washing clothes and putting them away. The monotony of the daily routine feels like groundhog day. At times I find things to keep me engaged with life – books, magazine articles, podcasts, blog writing, online conversations. They spark my interest, yet I still feel like I am living my life as a bubble inside my head.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

‘The connection I yearn for is the face to face contact with people around me. Unmasked and healthy.’

Even when I do venture out into the community I feel like I am moving within my own energy bubble. Everyone is wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced from each other. Viewing others as potential candidates who may infect them. I personally feel less fearful now I am fully vaccinated. Yet I miss the smiles, the hellos to greet others, the opportunity for personal conversation. The quality of life we once enjoyed, and perhaps took for granted. In its place are the eyes and bodies of others looking increasingly lifeless and weary. Their spark of joy gone.

‘I am sure I am not the only one missing their life… A life filled with plans and expectations. Now feeling it slowly dwindle away without being fully lived.’

I know there is a need to persevere, to get through life as its possible to live at the moment. Yet I feel frustrated and emotionally drained. I have had enough of connecting with others online right now. Living life largely behind a screen. It feels unnatural. I have had enough of listening to the daily news, pandemic updates and commentary on our televisions and social media feeds. Is this what life has come to?

Where did life go?

I imagine that if I was still in the active years of parenting I would be busy. Connecting and caring for our children, home schooling along with the daily household chores. There would be more human beings in our household to interact with. I could say a similar thing about my previous working life as a teacher, although now I would be masked up and protected in my workplace. So different to what I remember.

I enjoy the company of children. They are simpler beings who come with less baggage and expectations. They are in love with life and eager to learn about it. Now it is it difficult to connect with either our own grandchildren or other children. There is the grim reality that they are unprotected from catching this virus.

I see them observing a rather strange life where the adults’ facial expressions are hidden behind masks and their voices muffled. I see us, as adults, making the same observations. Much more informed yet just as helpless to change the circumstances. People avoiding each other, spraying surfaces and disinfecting their hands, fearful of contamination by the contact of others. These are all tangible signs of human disconnection.

I see memories of places we have travelled. Tour companies and the travel industry keep enticing us with possible future offerings. Yet there is no certainty that in the future faraway places will be able to be explored.

One of the joys of travel is the people you meet along the way and the cultural experiences of being somewhere different. Now the highlight of the day is the drive to the supermarket or another essential retail outlet armed with our mask, phone and reusable bags. Thankfully we can also exercise outdoors within the current restrictions. Usually close to home in familiar territory.

‘I hope the world is still out there one day when we can venture further’.

I want my life back, or a similar version in the future. The way it is right now is only just bearable. Let’s all hope that this will only be a blimp on our life radar and better days are to come.

A Road Map Forward

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A road map gives us a guide to the potential direction we can take, yet we can never be sure of what obstacles we meet or detours we make along the way. We might come across a roadblock or traffic accident ahead. Our vehicle may breakdown or run out of fuel.  The journey may even need to be postponed. The road ahead remains uncertain.

Photo by Sebastian Herrmann on Unsplash

Physical maps and atlases have been largely replaced with digital applications on our phones and in our cars. These have the ability to automatically assess the route ahead and offer an alternative to any obstacles. What a comfort it is that our starting point and final destination can be put into these devices before we begin our journey. The rest is worked out by the navigation system along the way.

Our political leaders are now discussing ‘road maps’ forward to reopen our communities after lock down. When the Covid 19 virus emerged in our lives early last year we had little knowledge about what we were dealing with. Fear was a primal emotion. Even from its beginnings, scientists were continually investigating alternate scenarios to handle the challenges and eventually move us beyond the pandemic.

Now eighteen months later we are cautiously heading into that different future. One that consists of new more virulent strains of the virus coupled with strategies such as vaccinations, restrictions and social isolation in lockdowns. This future comes with a level of uncertainty, and perhaps trepidation for each of us moving forward. Yet in reality life has never provided us with certainty, only life experience to draw on.

What strategies are we being called to use?

Adapting to change. As much as we may wish life to be different, and our internal conversation reinforces our opinion, eventually we need to accept the reality of our present situation. We may not agree with or like the government level decisions being made. Individually we can still assess personal strategies to support our own physical, mental and emotional health and well-being. Is it possible to look for the positive reminders and lessons we are learning along the way. Reminders of the importance of connection, nurturance and gratitude.

‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new’

Socrates

Adjusting to a changed life – Each of us are called on to consider our decision making and its repercussions. As we leave our homes, remembering to take our phone for QR code check in and a mask for entering premises. Booking ahead for venues where there is smaller capacity limits. Compliance to rules on movement, social distancing and any stay at home orders. Considering what vaccination means to us. Constantly evaluating – What does ‘safe’ look like for me, my loved ones and my community?

Seeking guidance – There has been a large amount of discrepant information to consider. Consistency of messaging is helpful. As we internally process what we hear it may cause discord with our beliefs and challenge our freedoms. None of this processing is easy.

Now that the community, state and national parameters are in place we have more certainty on expectations for now and the near future. Ultimately we individually make our own decisions and action them. Some of us can are coming out of lockdowns earlier than others, particularly in less populated areas. The route forward continues to be rocky and will be littered with obstacles. Each of us will need to tread lightly and be consciously aware of our surroundings. Regularly we see the impact individual decision making can have on whole communities.  

Through the uncertainty we also hold hope for a future worth participating in and contributing to. We are now entering a phase where we are learning to live with Covid 19 long term. Last year without recognized strategies we were faced with the awful fear that we could infect the ones we deeply love. Yet even then there were daily actions we could use to support our well-being.

Those strategies I identified last year still hold true: –

  • Establish a sense of normality in the day. On waking imagine how the day will flow? See yourself enjoying breakfast then moving on to the daily tasks you have planned. In the evening, reflect and give thanks for what has unfolded during the day.
  • Make time for your physical wellbeing with exercise. Move your body in ways you enjoy.
  • Process your emotions when they arise. Allow yourself to express them. Give yourself permission to cry when you feel overwhelmed and sad.
  • Incorporate time for learning by reading books and listening to podcasts that uplift, soothe and educate the mind. Limit the time you expose yourself to the media updates. Look for credible sources of information.
  • Be creative in ways that you most enjoy – painting, cooking, writing, sewing, gardening etc.
  • Listen and move to music you love.
  • Spend time in meditation or prayer. This is a wonderful opportunity to establish a regular practice.
  • Create a calm, ‘cocoon’ space in your home to retreat to. Even though our bodies may be less active, our energy levels can fluctuate with the concerns and realities we are currently facing. Honour your energy level. Rest when you need to.
  • Stay virtually connected with your loved ones. This is particularly important for those living alone. Take the opportunity for deeper conversations around how we are each impacted and what we are learning about life and ourselves at this time.

Individually and collectively we are living in challenging times. The chapter of our life story entitled ‘Living through the Covid 19 Pandemic’ will be an interesting one for us to reflect on and share with future generations. Our daily decisions impact our current quality of life. They also potentially provide us with a deeper understanding of what we cherish in our lives. There is no road map of certainty. We are creating it along the way.

Bloom Where You are Planted

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Imagine a garden. There is such a beautiful variety of colour, shape and size. Some blooms have been recently planted. Others are well established. They are the elders of the garden. Each plant relies on those around them to thrive. The connections between them are often unseen as they happen below the surface of the soil. The soil needs to be rich with nutrients for healthy roots and the plant needs adequate sunshine, water and protection to grow. These are the outer influences on the plant’s ability to thrive.

Photo by Dimitry Anikin on Unsplash

A loving gardener tends to the garden. Adding nutrients such as fertilizer and water, pruning off parts of the plant that have decayed and removing weeds that compete with the plant for growth. In time, each plant has the potential to thrive and perhaps it flowers. Gaining strength from the tender loving care and attention it receives.

As the garden matures, the gardener strikes new plants from the healthiest ones. The fledgling plants may stay within the same garden bed as their ‘parent’ or join another garden bed. New plants are brought in from the nursery to add diversity.

Where flowers bloom, so does hope.

Lady Bird Johnson.

The analogy of the garden mirrors our relationship with each other and the world around us. Each of us have been planted in a particular location or ‘garden bed’. We rely on both the other plants around us and on external factors in order to thrive. No plant survives long if it is on its own. Just as plants in the garden, we are interconnected and rely on each other for support and cohesion.

How can we bloom in our particular bed of the garden?

Compassion – both for others and ourselves. The whole community flourishes if we are aware of the needs of individuals and also the impact we can have supporting each other particularly with the most vulnerable. Compassion also needs to be extended to ourselves. Ensuring we have the right nutrients of well-being to flourish. I have seen some beautiful examples of how individuals and groups are supporting their communities – voluntary work, donations to organizations who support those in crisis or need, connection with neighbours, street pantries.

Advocacy – With courage and clarity we can speak on behalf of or in support of other people. Raising issues and giving a voice to the needs of marginalized groups who may be overlooked for recognition or specific support.

Teamwork – Balancing our own needs with consideration for the needs of the whole community. Checking if our individual actions or perspectives have a negative impact on the welfare of others. Working together to build a culture that ensures everyone’s needs and well-being are met and enhanced. Those needs can be as basic as the safety and physiological needs (clean air, water and food) for each individual, to the creation of social networks of belonging and ensuring pathways to continued personal growth and learning. Asking ‘Is this for the greater good?’, ‘Am I supporting this whole garden/community to thrive?’

Next time you are out in a garden, imagine the connection and support each plant is playing in creating the whole. As members of our communities we can help each other bloom. By providing the tender loving care of compassion, advocacy and teamwork we can make something beautiful.

June 2025
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