Melanie felt a sense of agitation. Her world was filled with a degree of angst and a slowly seeping dread of an uncertain future. A world that no longer made sense to her. Life was not how she had hoped and currently she sat munching on her breakfast of muesli and yoghurt. Pondering another morning in lockdown.
She scrolled down her social feed and found a favourite wise woman she liked to follow. She knew even the sound of this woman’s voice was enough to create within her a sense of quiet calm. The woman was a well-known meditation teacher and writer. A gentle presence on the screen beckoning Melanie into a different world.
“When we get lost, we need only pause, look at what is true, relax our heart and arrive again”
Tara Brach
She moved her laptop to a place outdoors where she could feel comfortable. Slipping into the wooden chair and readjusting her legs and back to feel the firmness beneath her. Enveloped and comfortable, her breathing began to relax into a soft rhythm. Closing her eyes she sensed the sounds around her. The chirps of the birds and insects in her garden, the rustle of the trees and the background noise of traffic from a nearby road.
Slowly calm descended on her as she listened to the softly spoken words of the recorded voice. Each phrase directing her to notice, then relax, a part of her body. Melanie observed the tension in her shoulders as she focused on them. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel various muscles around her neck and shoulders release, creating an instant sense of relief. Why hadn’t she noticed the tension before? She wondered how long she had been holding on to the weight of her concerns about the world.
Each breathe she took in felt fresh and clean. Each outward breathe gave a sense of letting go and relaxation. Once each of her body parts were highlighted and addressed her body slumped comfortably back into the frame of the chair.
‘Imagine your future self…. In five, ten or twenty years depending on the age you are now’ proposed the voice in her ear. Melanie mentally visualized the decades ahead and the ‘Melanie’ of five years’ time felt the easiest to conjure up in her mind. A person not too distant from now, most likely to be alive and living in a calmer and more consistent life than the crazy one she now inhabited.
‘Now look into your current life… search your heart and soul for what it is telling you’. Melanie pictured in her mind a sense of courage and resilience. An ability to remain patient and observant waiting for clues of a way forward. Slowly in her mind she began to picture a bridge rising from where she was in this moment to the older, future version of herself.
She remembers the initial shock of hearing the announcement of the lockdown. It seemed surreal as one moment she was enjoying the activities she loved and interacting with others. The next she was sitting alone in the quiet of her home. Only the television and her devices for entertainment and connection.
Hearing the news that evening made her feel like she was now inhabiting a strange, new world. A fearful world dealing with the spread of an invisible viral enemy. Everyone around her became a potential suspect and every surface a mission to clean. Outside her door felt unsafe territory. Whenever she ventured for a walk outdoors her gut would ache with mild anxiety until she reached her destination back home.
Heading to the supermarket in those early days was tough. Wearing a mask over her mouth and nose felt foreign and claustrophobic. As she went about the task of finding what she needed from the shelves she felt herself sashaying from side to side in the aisles to avoid physical contact with others. It made her sad that no one acknowledged each other with eye contact and when they did their eyes appeared lifeless and frightened.
Slowly and surely this new existence became more comfortable. Melanie found a new enjoyment in the time she could lavishly spend at home. She poured over cookbooks, finding recipes that she had abandoned in her previously busy life. Her garden provided a lovely sense of purpose as she tended, weeded and replanted. Her home became her haven of contentment.
Once she sensed a rhythm emerging it became possible to create a daily routine that provided a framework for her day. She used her mornings to structure her household tasks and after lunch enjoyed the opportunity to take an hour to walk in her neighbourhood. It felt more enjoyable than normal for her as she no longer took it for granted.
She noticed the changing of the seasons along her route and other people, hungry for exercise and contact, were cheery at a safe distance. The sights and smells along her walk seemed heightened as if she had not experienced them for a long time. Occasionally something would capture her attention. A beautiful light descending on a flower or stone, the intense green of a grassy field or the playfulness of a dog happy to be out with its owner. Melanie enjoyed capturing these exquisite moments of life on her phone’s camera to store as memories. Memories of a unique time and place in her life.
Over time Melanie noticed the strangeness of this altered existence became more familiar. Thankfully the measures of wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced were taking effect. She was grateful that although the overseas experience was more devastating fewer cases were found closer to home. She felt a level of protection and safety. Vaccination was also on the horizon and she could make a choice about it as an option for protection.
What she didn’t realize was how long this invisible enemy was going to be around to impact her life. Months continued to drag on to years. At times in the second year she would taste a sense of partial freedom only to be placed once more in lockdown. Each time there was a feeling of disappointment yet the lessons of how to structure her life weren’t lost allowing her to slip back into her familiar routines. For Melanie, the fear became more of the possibilities of navigating a life beyond lockdown.
How could she learn to live in this new, challenging world?
Deep in meditation Melanie tentatively took the first steps skyward along the bridge to her future self she felt a strong gentle hand reaching out to her to guide her along the way. She realised in her mind’s eye that her future self was there, already offering support for the journey ahead. A partially available vision of who she would be in a more grounded and stable existence. A sense of relief began to wash over her.
As Melanie took the last calming breaths of her meditation she felt at peace. She slowly opened her eyes to see the beauty of her backyard. The movement and rustle of the leaves in the trees. She took in the sights and sounds of the birds and insects around her. The traffic nearby steady and constant. Her life was still there waiting for her to re-enter.
In that moment she knew that there were many versions of herself. The innocent child, the adventurous young adult and the woman she now was. She also recognized there was a future wise version of herself that was ready and available to guide her forward.
Melanie realized she had at her disposal a host of lived experiences to draw on and a toolkit of strategies for the days ahead. As she walked back inside, her laptop firmly under her arm, she knew she could call on each loved version of herself as she went about the day ahead.
