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5 Ways to think about Mindfulness

February 6, 2022 by JanSmith

The concept of mindfulness has gained popularity in the 21st Century. Our distracting, demanding and often over stimulated lives have made us less able to function successfully on a daily basis. Although mindfulness has ancient Buddhist roots, it is equally applicable today. Recent neuroscientific research on brain development and behaviour has given us more insight into the mechanism and benefits of mindfulness.

Through this research we now know that the neuroplasticity occurs continually and subtly within our brain throughout life. Changes in the way we think impact our brain’s structure. Reinforcing and strengthening neural connections that are already there and stimulating new ones. Repeated patterns of activity have the ability to change the neural structure and function. So with focused attention on mindfulness we have the potential to rewire our brain for the better. That’s both exciting and comforting to know.

Photo by Thomas Millot on Unsplash

So what is mindfulness?

The most common definition is sustained, present moment awareness that is neutral and non-judgmental. It can be focused inwardly to our thoughts, emotions and sensations. It can also be outwardly focused on our interactions with others in the world around us. We don’t stop to be mindful, but rather incorporate it into our everyday lives.

‘Mindfulness is the capacity to be present where we are. To see it with clarity and a sense of graciousness. Without judgement or without wanting to change it.’

Jack Cornfield

To describe it further, here are five ways to think about mindfulness

1. It’s a way to wholeness – connecting body and mind.

Have you ever been so busy and distracted that you barely take in your surroundings. You know you are moving about but you have little sense of where your body is in space. Living life on autopilot. Often times you are deep in thought, navigating life from the neck up. Planning your next move or dissecting an interaction or memory from the past.

Body awareness practices such as scanning and methodically relaxing parts of your body or deliberately grounding your steps while walking help to integrate your body with your mind. Giving your brain and body’s nervous system a sense of connectedness.

2. It’s a way of being in this world:

Mindfulness can be incorporated into our everyday personal routines. For example, when we are eating, cleaning our teeth or brushing our hair. Focusing on the senses and savouring the experience allows us to be more focused and attentive.

We can also use mindfulness in our interactions in the world. Rather than being reactive to what others do and say, we can observe and acknowledge their emotions and our bodily responses for what they are. Then we have the potential to give ourselves breathing space and separateness to act with empathy and loving kindness.

‘To sustain mindfulness and stay present in what arises, it helps to find refuge’.

Dr Rick Hanson

I like the idea of finding refuge. A comforting, nurturing and protected physical or mental space to be drawn back into when we need it. It can also be a space to come out of so we can navigate the world from a calm base. The refuge we choose can be a particular person, a group of people who support and care about us, an activity, practice, idea, teaching or wisdom we live by. It becomes part of who we are as we move mindfully through our lives.

3. It trains our attention

We have evolved to be skittish. To scan our environments for multiple possibilities of danger in order to survive. While that worked well for us when hunting and gathering among the beasts it has a more debilitating effect on us in our modern lives. Although we all have different attention spans, a common problem is being easily distracted, environmentally stressed and finding it difficult to focus on one task at a time.

For more active bodies it may be helpful to incorporate movements such as yoga, tai chi or slow dance movements before settling into mindfulness and meditation activities. For those with a more active mind, a loving-kindness meditation where you bring to mind 10-15 people one after the other or creating a gratitude list can be useful tasks.

4. It helps us deal with trauma

Whether its physical or mental pain that we are dealing with, focusing directly on the pain or trauma is difficult. What can be helpful is firstly to focus away from the pain toward a foundation of well-being. One where you feel a sense of safety and belonging. Bringing to mind those who’ve cared for and nurtured you. Keeping in the forefront of your mind the good experiences in your life. Then slowly go into the trauma. After a while saying, ‘that is enough for now’ allowing yourself to leave it in place, while you continue with life and nurturing your well-being again. By making this a gradual and mindful process it’s possible to build emotional strength to deal with what arises.

With physical pain we can acknowledge its presence. Soothing and calming ourselves as if we were responding to a crying baby. Giving this loving awareness may help to soften the physical sensations, thoughts and emotions.

5. It is the gateway to positive qualities.

We need more than mindfulness. Having awareness is one thing but we also need a way to deal with what arises in the mind. It takes effort to be both mindfully aware and live practically in the world. A world where we have schedules and expectations to pay our bills and fill various roles. Yet in reality we are much more than our bank account balance or rigid notion of our identity. We have the potential to expand who we are and be less reactive to what happens to us. With mindful awareness we can build positive qualities such as confidence, ease, graciousness, joy, well-being, modesty, flexibility and clarity.

The next time you catch yourself in a distracted or reactive mode take a mindful pause. Take several deep breaths and notice what’s happening with your body. Feel where your feet meet the ground and tune into the sights and sounds around you. Each small moment of focused awareness is being registered in your brain. Ongoing practice will bring lasting benefits from being more mindful.

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Enjoying Your Life

February 3, 2022 by JanSmith

Imagine you have an enjoy-o-meter inbuilt in your body. Each time you notice something interesting, experience something you like doing, that is pleasurable or that nurtures you, the meter shifts its reading. Your overall enjoyment of life increases.

It’s not as easy a task as it sounds. It is more difficult to sustain the positive feelings of our enjoyable experiences than to recall the more negative feelings of a threatening one. As humans, we have evolved over millions of years to react that way. To notice the dangers in our path – a predator or natural hazard- rather than to savour the good. In a way our brain is telling us there will be other opportunities for enjoyable experiences provided we survive any lurking crisis.

Our amygdala, a structure within our brain, constantly scans for potential dangers and alerts us to the need for possible action. An efficient evolutionary system that has allowed us to survive and pass on our genes to future generations. Its downfall is that in our everyday life we tend to overestimate potential dangers and underestimate our resources to overcome the challenges. Our brain has a evolved with a negativity bias. Which seems a bit unfair as our life experience is mainly one which is neutral or positive. So it’s important that we take in the good experiences in life.

Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash

When you watch children at play, particularly young children, you observe their focused interaction with life. They seem more cued into awe and less aware of potential dangers around them. They are fascinated by the world and its minute detail. If left undisturbed they usually find pleasure and interest for extended periods of time. Our daily lives provide less opportunity to escape responsibilities and competing demands. Therefore finding enjoyment in life as an adult needs to be more conscious and deliberate.

How do you find more enjoyment in life?

1. Focus on the question – What in life do I most enjoy?

Ask yourself, what are the things in life that bring you enjoyment. Find the activities that bring you flow. That sense that you lose track of time when you are engrossed in them. Look for opportunities that bring you wonder or delight. Those things that add to your vitality and bring you meaning. Once you have some ideas put them somewhere to prompt you to make time to do them. Whether its your diary, calendar or other type of organizer. Better still, involve others in the planning to enhance a sense of connection and to share the experience. Big plans aren’t important. It may be a small, regular ritual of self-love or connection that brightens your day.

‘The days that make us happy, make us wise’

John Masefield

2. Give yourself permission to enjoy life.

At times we can think its inappropriate to fully express ourselves and enjoy being alive. We may stifle our playfulness and spontaneity as an adult. Particularly for women, there may be a need to ensure everyone else enjoys an experience before we allow ourselves to. Grief for someone who can no longer share joy-filled experiences or caring for an ill or disabled loved one may make us put our own enjoyment on the back burner. There can be a sense of guilt for enjoying life when others around us are unable to.

3. Recognize the benefits of enjoyable experiences –

Enjoyable experiences make life worth living, help us recover from stress and emotional upsets, calm and nourish the body and motivate us to stay on the path of our goals and dreams. They can also help us build inner strengths such as resilience, vitality and calm. They help us tolerate and tap into our inner resources to get through the challenging times in life.

To help them ‘stick’ it’s important to stay with enjoyable experiences, savour them and allow time to really take in their benefits. Involve your senses and notice what is novel or new. Choose experiences that are personally relevant and meaningful as these stay with us longer as emotional memory.

Each time you immerse yourself in a positive experience you are creating or enhancing the neural pathways in your brain. This is possible throughout life, allowing us to strengthen our positivity through ongoing positive experiences.

‘Neurons that fire together, wire together’

Canadian Psychologist Donald Hebb

There is a connection between enjoying life and becoming a deeper, wiser, and perhaps a more spiritual person.  Very often the experiences that are enjoyable and make us happy, also help us grow more inner resources to deal with life.

In our distracted, busy days we can forget to truly notice what’s happening around us. Take time to slow down and be more deliberately observant as you take in both the spontaneous and planned joyful experiences that arise. Your mind and body will thank you for it.

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Let It Be

January 23, 2022 by JanSmith

‘When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be’

These are the opening lyrics of one of the last songs recorded by the famous band, The Beatles. It was written at a time when they were contemplating going their separate ways. Their words of wisdom to accept what unfolds in life continue to be relevant today.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

We do a lot of accepting in our lives. From the time of our birth until we die we experience constant change – in ourselves and in our world.  Some of it we are happy to embrace. Exciting new adventures, new relationships and new knowledge. Other times, change is not so welcomed. Ruby Wax, in her book A Mindfulness Guide for Survival, identifies six reality checks that we experience in life. They are – difficult emotions, uncertainty, loneliness, change, dissatisfaction and death/impermanence. Each is unavoidable so how we approach them matters. When we accept that they are inevitable parts of our lives we are better able to surrender to them.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life

Eckhart Tolle

When we accept our reality we aren’t necessarily resigning ourselves to the way things are. Neither are we helpless nor rendering ourselves unable to act. Acceptance doesn’t mean we need to feel a sense of apathy, futility or defeat. As the Serenity Prayer states we can either serenely accept our current circumstances or muster the strength to identify where we can make changes. In a sense acceptance can both bring a sense of calm in surrender or provide our motivation to change a situation or behaviour if possible.

Not accepting what’s happening in our lives can lead to angst, anger and dissatisfaction. Often the situations that most need our acceptance are part of the unavoidable realities of life or are not really accessible to us at all.

The past is a ripe arena for the need for acceptance. There are times in our past where we regret the things we did or said. Yet, although the past has been and gone, often we let our minds become great story tellers. Reliving the emotions and ruminating over the words spoken at the time. We recreate the scenes, the actors and dialogue over and over. Not as reality but as our imperfectly stored memory of the events.

Unfortunately a lot of these stories are negative. Dr Russ Harris, who wrote the book The Happiness Trap, states that research has found that around 80% of our relatively constant thoughts have some degree of negative content. That’s pretty scary, but it comes from our evolutionary need to scan for danger around us. If we believe our thoughts are true representations of our lives it is easy to see how they can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, self-doubt and insecurity.

While we can’t fact check our stories from the past, effectively distract or push away their contents or even try to rewrite them more positively, there are things we can do. We can forgive ourselves or others for the parts each of us played. We can understand the context of what occurred for each ‘actor’. We can also use defusion, the first step in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This requires simply to acknowledge the past story ‘This is my story’. Label it. For example – this is my ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m boring’ or ‘I can’t cope’ story. By acknowledging the story exists in our mind and simply letting it come and go as it pleases, it’s possible to diffuse its significance. When it has less influence to hold our attention we can channel our energy into something more meaningful or personally valuable.

The future is another area ripe for acceptance. We often take our past experience and our current beliefs about a situation and get busy worrying about what’s ahead. The issue is that much of what we worry about never eventuates. If it does, then the best antidote to our anxiety is taking meaningful action. If it doesn’t, then we’ve expended a lot of unnecessary mental energy. It’s important to recognise how little control we have over our future, just as we can’t rewrite the past. Eckhart Tolle reminds us that the only place where we truly exist is in the present moment. Accepting this fact is crucial to living fully in the Now.

As you go about your day, observe how much acceptance you are bringing to your life. Appreciate the myriad of past experiences that have made you who you are right now. Allow yourself to surrender to your current circumstances and acknowledge the lack of control you truly have over future events. In acceptance you have the ability to have a more realistic view of life. In doing so you are able to cope with what is and harness the ability to make things better.

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Showing Self Compassion

January 15, 2022 by JanSmith

Dr Kristen Neff describes compassion as ‘the wish that a being does not suffer, usually with feelings of tender warm-hearted concern’. It can be directed toward another individual, group of individuals, an animal or toward the world in general. When we turn compassion inwardly toward ourselves it becomes self-compassion.

Often it’s easier to show compassion and concern toward others. We identify parts of their suffering with our own similar experience and it creates a connection. We quite effortlessly know the words to say and the tone of voice to use to soothe their discomfort. We also have a store of caring actions we have learnt from our own life experience that we can tap into. Even young children sense the suffering of others and respond in compassionate ways.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Feeling compassion activates the reward centres of the brain. People who give compassion to others are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives. When we receive compassion, but not pity, from others we feel less alone, understood and find it easier to face the difficulties of life.

Giving and receiving compassion builds our sense of connection with others. Isolation and loneliness is one of the hardest human states to endure. We naturally thrive on connectedness and belonging. We also feel a sense of stability, strength and resilience in the giving and receiving of compassion.

But something unusual can happen when we direct compassion toward ourselves. It seems harder to find those kind and warm-hearted words and feelings. Tara Brach speaks of this phenomena as the ‘near enemy’ of self-care and self-compassion. In place of tender care we gravitate to self-criticism. Perhaps it has a long history of feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’ of compassion from others. When we’ve made a mistake how quickly do we default to berating ourselves with words of criticism and self-judgement. Often these reactions are over exaggerated in comparison to the situation experienced.

Over many years we can internalize the criticism we hear from others and make it our own self-belief. Mistakenly thinking we are motivating ourselves to do better by being self-critical. Yet the greater motivator would be to take the stance of being more self-compassionate instead. If we can hold our pain and suffering in loving ways this gives us the ability to bear it and move on. Remembering that suffering is a part of our human experience and that we can bring to mind instances when others have cared about us.

“Self-Compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us”

Kristen Neff

How can we foster compassion toward ourselves?

ACCEPTANCE – fostering the ability to be present with whatever is happening at any given moment without judgement or resistance. Reminding ourselves ‘This is happening right now’ particularly if it is unpleasant. What we are aware of we can soothe lovingly.

CLARITY – we soothe and comfort ourselves to make the wiser choice or option. We make much better decisions.  It also allows us to respond to the situation rather than react to it.

COURAGEOUSNESS – Brene Brown reminds us that mindfulness gives us a courageous presence to stay with suffering, rather than turn away from it. To look at what we don’t like or what is uncomfortable. When our heart is open, we really care and want to do all we can to change things for the better. Both for ourselves and others.

CONNECTION – Saying to ourselves – ‘Everyone experiences suffering.  I am not alone’. Accepting that our life experience as humans is both imperfect and fallible. We all make mistakes and learn from them.

The next time you berate yourself over something you do… pause. Think about how you would respond toward a close friend in the same situation. What would you say and do to help soothe their pain? Then give those soothing words to yourself. Remind yourself that others have had similar experiences and that your pain is valid. Motivate your well-being with loving kindness rather than criticism and build the strengths of self-compassion along the way.

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Healing the Matriarch

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