Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

Five Ways to Stay Grounded within Yourself

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We often don’t give babies credit for the autonomy and individuality they show from the day they are born. Unlike the belief that babies come into this world as ‘blank slates’ to influence and mould, they arrive with their own particular preference for interaction. Some are observant and ready to engage with the world, others close their eyes and retreat within. Each has preferences in how they are held and the level of sensory stimulus they can tolerate.

As parents we are often learning along the way. Each child exhibits their own unique personality, likes and dislikes and energy level. It can come as a shock when the methods that we finally found worked to parent one child are strongly resisted by their younger siblings. As a result different approaches are needed.

The baby and toddler years of human development focus on securely attaching to their main caregivers. Learning that when they indicate a physical or emotional need it is both noticed and then met by others. When this happens, on a reasonably consistent basis, the child feels confident and happy to explore the world around them. As they grow into toddlerhood they become the masters of their own uniqueness – asserting their independence and preferences. All of which is healthy and normal development. (Even if it’s a challenging time for parents)

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself’

George Bernard Shaw

It’s this grounding in childhood that gives us the continual confidence in our own identity. The ability to honour our unique preferences as an adult and advocate for ourselves. It may be helpful to think of this life process using the analogy of a mature tree. The deep roots of secure attachment and belief in ourselves are hopefully developed in childhood. As we mature, this foundation helps us weather the wind and occasional storms of adult life. If we learn that our needs don’t matter in childhood its more difficult to stay confident and grounded in our sense of self in adulthood.

Photo by Kevin Young on Unsplash

Think about the following questions to discover if you have a good sense of ‘me’ as a distinct person from others: –

  1. How comfortable are you to express your own desires, wants, needs and feelings to others? There may be a history of not feeling safe to express needs previously. Attempts may have been ignored or remained unmet. Believe that your requests are as legitimate and important as those of others.
  • How comfortable are you to ask directly for your needs to be met? If you feel reluctant is it due to a sense of discomfort with how it will be received? Often we expect others to automatically know what we need. We become silently frustrated or judgemental toward them when they miss behaviour ‘clues’ and facial expressions. Try instead to express your needs clearly and briefly with an emotional openness to whatever the outcome.
  • Can you trust and maintain your own view when it differs from others? As humans we naturally want to avoid conflict.  Yet it’s still possible to engage in inevitable conflict situations clearly and calmly. Sharing our own particular viewpoint both informs others and helps create respect for differences of opinion.
  • Can you claim your whole self, the gentle sweetness and the problematic behaviour, to allow you to be more authentic in relationships? The more you can delve into how unique and intricate you are as an individual the easier it is to stay true to yourself. You can also be more accepting of the complex personality of others.
  • Can you imagine invisible boundaries between yourself and others? Where your perspective differs from someone else you can even just express those views within your mind. It might sound like ‘I don’t share your views on this issue, yet I respect our difference of opinion’. Accepting our unique and diverse life perspective honours each person’s individuality. We also understand what is most important to us.

We come into this world as separate human beings from others. How those close to us interact and support meeting our needs and desires is crucial. Having a strong sense of ‘me’, separate to others, helps us function effectively in life. When we are heard and honored for our own uniqueness it is easier to be truly ourselves. Its also allows us to respect the needs, wishes and priorities of others.

Why do We Resist Change

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There is so much happening in our world today. Making our individual and collective experience feel less predictable and certain. In reality, we have little control over what happens in our lives.

I’m fascinated by change yet I’m not an expert on change management. I like to observe it in nature with the evolving seasons and in people as they transition through life stages. It’s present in organizations, world events and world history. To me, the only real constant in life seems to be change. Whether we resist, adapt or embrace it.

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

What might be some of the factors beneath our resistance to change?

We hold onto our memories tightly –

Often reminiscing about ‘the good old days’ and making comparisons with our current life experience.

An example might be our fondness to recall earlier stages in our children’s lives. To want them to stay small and dependent on us. It gives us an important sense of identity and purpose as parents.

Despite that our children grow up before our very eyes. Asserting their own opinions and preferences. As we notice these subtle changes in them it becomes important to allow our parent: child relationship to evolve. To look at the bigger picture that our role is to slowly let go and increase their independence and self-reliance.

It’s important to view our memories for what they are. Platforms to our imagination and to invite in the new. Our memories can be incorporated into our current priorities and frame future plans.

We live within our comfort zone –

We are creatures of habit adverse to change and conflict with others. Having certainty around our routines is comforting, yet we also carry an awareness that the next moment could completely upend our lives. Change forces us to reassess our behaviours and interactions with others.

Our personality and experience influence our comfort level with change. The openness to change versus resistance to it varies between people. The pace we are comfortable with also differs.

Expressing a need for change is difficult when we feel unsupported. We are social animals where the need for belonging in group dynamics is strong. We value our relationships and fear rejection and potential loneliness.

Change challenges the status quo-

Sudden change flips us into the reactive ‘red’ zone where our mind and emotions race and we can become upset, sad, angry, frustrated or defensive. It’s messy and unsettling as we try and navigate our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. We make decisions about how to express the desire for change with others and whether we have the courage to proceed. Part of this mental gymnastics means entertaining the possibility of being disliked in the process.

Moving forward is often fraught with alternate possibilities. It can overload us with contradictory information and we fight to seek clarity about how to respond. It often appears easier to stay comfortable and avoid ‘rocking the boat’. Yet opportunities are lost to promote positive change in the form of equity and being a voice for ourselves and others. Persistence is also required to continue to move forward.

‘Changing the game, to me, means following your path, staying true to yourself, and never giving up’.

Susie Wolff. (Promoting opportunities for women in Motorsport).

Change shifts our identity-

Grief is a prime example of this struggle. When loss occurs we are left to work out who we are and how we should meaningfully navigate forward. There is a yearning for the life prior to the loss and learning how to live a meaningful existence going forward. We feel ‘lost’ after a loss. Dealing with the strength and unexpectedness of our emotions and the upheaval of even our small expectations of daily life.

The loss may be the death of a person or pet. The loss of a relationship or a physical loss such as possessions we value. We can also grieve losses within ourselves: – health, mobility and youth. Regardless of how the loss occurs it is often unexpected or difficult to accept. It plays with our sense of secure attachment and certainty. What was there is now gone. What we are left with is our ongoing emotional quest to establish a new identity beyond our sense of loss.

It takes courage to re-enter the world. We need social support, helpful strategies and persistence to slowly venture out and be a new version of ourselves. To move through the discomfort rather than avoid the process of adapting to change.

‘Bringing in a fulfilling life alongside the painfulness of that experience of grief’

Forrest Hanson

What is your relationship to change? Is it something that challenges you and you resist? Are you someone who adapts relatively easily to changes that are brought about by situations outside your control? Alternatively you may be a person who embraces change, happy to stay in the moment and not hold tight to how things should be. Invested in living life with acceptance rather than yearning. Perhaps you are a combination of all three depending on the scenario. Regardless, change is a part of life and how we navigate it teaches us so much about ourselves and the world around us.

Keeping Calm in an Unpredictable World

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Just by being human we are exposed to unpleasant situations. Our overriding automatic default is to react with fear, disgust, anger and avoidance. It’s often referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response. Yet there is another part of our body’s nervous system that is gentler. It’s a more ancient system that produces balanced responses within us rather than reactivity. It’s known as the parasympathetic nervous system. Its job is to soothe and calm. Supporting us to be relaxed and attentive.

The world can feel like a scary place. From childhood we receive messages about dangers lurking around us. To keep our distance from things such as live electricity, busy roads, fire, dangerous animals and strangers. Our learnt vigilance produces an underlying hum of anxiety within us. We tend to look at the world through ‘fear coloured glasses’. Always protecting our safety.

I remember as a child climbing a willow tree beside the dam on our cousin’s farm. We’d been told not to go into the water as it was ‘inhabited by a crocodile’. Not actually true, but words to create enough concern in four young girls to stay safe and avoid entering the water. It didn’t stop our curiosity. We continued to look for signs of that crocodile’s existence from a distance.

Fast forward to this year and our trip to Northern Queensland, Australia, meant we were confronted with a multitude of signs warning of the presence of crocodiles. Real ones, who could take you in an instant. It felt slightly uncomfortable travelling along the Daintree River ‘croc spotting’ from a small boat. Even more unnerving physically seeing large adult crocodiles lazing by a lagoon near our accommodation at Lotusbird Lodge, Musgrave. Luckily this view was from a helicopter.

Yes, crocodiles really existed and were an ever present danger. Yet in reality crocodiles are dormant creatures in winter, preferring to sun themselves on the riverbanks. The actual number of them over the vast area of the Cape York Peninsula also meant an encounter was unlikely. I marvelled at the locals in Weipa and Cape York who seemed unperturbed as they walked and fished beside their well-known coastline. In a sense the signs were a prompt to be alert rather than alarmed.

A crocodile encounter rates as an unpleasant experience for me. I felt a visceral anxiety looking into the murky waters. Yet not everyone feels the same way. Our reactions are highly individual and constructed from what we know and experience. Internalizing our fear is also something we don’t control.

So how can we create a healthy level of anxiety in proportion to threatening situations?

  • Take a moment. Reminding ourselves of things we deeply know already. That we often overestimate threats and underestimate our capabilities and resources to deal with them. We can avoid feeling overwhelmed by stepping back and observing the situation. Seeing the larger picture of what is happening. Acknowledging that everything changes over time, including ourselves. How we are reacting right now is not our identity.  We are just feeling fearful or anxious in this particular moment.

  • Do a reality check – We don’t know the outcome of a situation. The mental stories we tell ourselves are just that, possibilities. Instead think ‘Let’s see how the story unfolds’. Then it’s easier to deal with what is happening right now rather than being overtaken by thoughts of what might occur. We can also take necessary precautions to increase our feeling of safety and sense of calm.

  • Stay curious to your fear – We can gain wisdom from examining our reactions to life. At times how we react to unpleasant situations can be puzzling. Either it’s out of character or over exaggerated in relation to what’s happening. Giving ourselves compassion and kindness around our reactions is a loving response. It also allows us to be more understanding and supportive of others.

  • Practice Mindfulness. There are a host of different types of techniques to help instill calm as our default response. Practice deep, slow breathing. Particularly allowing your out breath to be longer than your in breath. Activities such as warm baths, walking in nature, slow movement and stretches, meditation and visualizing relaxing each part of your body help stimulate the calm response. For the best effect, make these techniques a regular part of your routine.

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths”

Etty Hillesum

The human experience is challenging. We either react or respond to unpleasant situations. Even anticipating an event can be as unnerving. By responding calmly, we can foster a more balanced and responsive default position to our circumstances.

All Good Things..

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As my husband and I prepared for our journey to the northern Tip of Australia neither of us had particular expectations of what the experience would hold. It was on my husband’s ‘Bucket List’ and that was enough to prompt us booking this small group tour of Cape York Peninsula.

For weeks leading up to our departure our spare bedroom looked like a makeshift wardrobe. The bed littered with relatively neat piles of clothing. Lighter clothing than what we were currently wearing in our Australian winter. T-shirts, shorts, hats and sunscreen, backpacks and walking shoes. The excitement was building as we added and subtracted pieces that we felt were needed. I pondered if I needed that many clothes. What was smart casual for dinner wear? Did I have enough Band-Aids if my feet blistered on tour?

Also packed with our luggage were proof of Covid Vaccination, RAT tests for Day 1 to provide evidence of our health and face masks for the plane flights. We were stepping into the reality of travel in Covid times.

Touching down in Cairns we were pleased to find our luggage had arrived with us. The current school holiday period in a majority of Australian states had meant airports were busy. Queensland destinations filling with holidaymakers. We settled into our accommodation at the ‘Shang’ (Shangri-La The Marina, Cairns), walked the Esplanade clearing our heads with fresh, non-aircraft air and enjoyed dinner in the hotel’s restaurant.

‘You must go on adventures to find out where you truly belong’

Sue Fitzmaurice

Midday the following day the tour bus arrived at our accommodation. There was an immediate sense of being held with a quiet, friendly confidence by our tour guides, Doug and Kate. This husband and wife team were one of five crews driving the Cape York Peninsula Tour with Outback Spirit. We soon learned that a tour was two days ahead of us, and one two days behind us. Each crew sharing valuable feedback on road conditions and weather with each other.

Our first stop was the up market tourist destination of Port Douglas. Five Star accommodation to ease us into travel. Along the way our bus detoured into the coastal hamlet of Palm Cove. An opportunity to stretch our legs and for Doug and Kate to assess the punctuality and personality of the tour members. They soon discovered that we functioned comfortably together, each well-travelled and valuing punctuality. Something that’s not always achieved with group travel.

Our next full day was an exploration of the Daintree National Park. This ancient rainforest is spectacular and uniquely diverse. Our indigenous guide, Tom, welcomed us to country before we took an informative rainforest walk. Later in the day we spotted crocodiles on a river cruise and walked a more remote section of the rainforest with guides Neil and Angie Hewett. Their passion, dedication and knowledge was astounding. A highlight was a close up encounter with a male cassowary and his two chicks. I’m not sure who was more intrigued – the cassowaries as they inquisitively ventured closer to us, or us with our mobile phone cameras at the ready. Thankfully it was a friendly, fleeting encounter.

Crossing the Daintree River, via ferry, the next day opened our vista to completely different surroundings. Fortunately the weather held out and we were able to travel the Bloomfield Track on our way to Cooktown. A roller coaster ride of incredible scenery, undulating dirt track and creek crossings. Thankfully we were able to sit back and let Doug do the driving.

The ‘Cape Crusaders’ we dubbed ourselves. Traversing remote National Parks, flying via helicopter over the pristine coastline of Princess Charlotte Bay, eating with the locals at outback pubs, telling jokes by the campfire at Moreton Telegraph Station and swimming together at Fruit Bat Falls. Consolidating our friendships with each other along the way.

The culmination of our trip was the short hike to the northern ‘Tip of Australia’. We had a beautiful day and with each other’s support made our way to lands edge. As we marveled at the beautiful scenery from this unique vantage point a rainbow appeared to signal the end of our mainland journey. Together we had made it, satisfied and enriched by our experience.

Rainbow over Cape York

When you look at a map of Australia the Cape York Peninsula covers a small area of its land. Yet the distance between Cairns and the tip of Australia at Bamaga is just shy of one thousand kilometres. It can be driven over several days but we took the leisurely route over two weeks. Experiencing a unique part of Australia. Rich in diverse landscape, culture, people and stories.

At times we had limited or no internet service. That didn’t phase us too much (once we accepted the reality) and it gave us permission to savour the experiences and deepen the connections we were making.

We’ve continued to keep in touch with each other. Something much easier to do in the era of social media and mobile phone messaging. We’ve shared photos and acknowledgement of arriving home safely to our everyday lives. While our travel experience invariably had to come to an end the friendships that have formed will go beyond our journey together.

As the saying goes …’ All good things must come to an end’. Yet this trip has left lasting memories to sustain us and invited more good things, including friendships, into our lives.

June 2025
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