Five years ago a chapter closed on my life. I was at an impasse, unhappy with life and my place in it at the time. When I look back on that time I was coming up to a major birthday, often a prompt for personal reflection. I felt I was giving up on dreams I had for myself and feeling unsettled where I lived. It became the impetus for me making some major life decisions.
I began gravitating between two worlds. The one with my husband in a coastal city. The other with my children and their children living within the same country town. The kilometres between both places was vast. Yet I would regularly hop in my car and take the two day trip to see my family.
Eventually I was taking the journey more frequently and could see where I was most needed. Not with my husband in cosy, comfortable retirement. Instead I saw the increasing needs of my children’s growing families and craving the experience of hands on grand parenting.
The decision wasn’t easy but the logistics were. Just as a short term rental became available near our children, the renters in our investment property were moving on. As a result, a household of furniture found a new use. The heartbreak for me at the time was leaving my long term marriage and instigating a separation from my husband. It was difficult and uncomfortable. Yet my resolve remained. Within weeks I had organised the rental and my removal. The day loomed for me to physically move. Neither my husband nor I knew what outcome would emerge ahead. We only knew we desired very different things from life and the pain and angst of indecision had loomed heavily.
I look back on those next few years and feel a certainty about each of the decisions I made.
Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash
My journey of healing
I was instantly supported in my new location. By my two adult children and their families and by friends and new acquaintances who embraced me without asking too many questions. I also had a legal and accounting team who helped me sort through financial decisions. During the first six months of my move I became fitter and healthier. Freed of the mental angst of decision making my body naturally energized as I enjoyed doing things I loved. From spending time with my grandchildren to taking on dance and yoga classes. I felt a new lease on my life.
After the short term rental I moved into a more permanent rental situation for the following two years. I used this time to learn. Devouring online courses on healing, mindfulness and personal growth. Each time I would complete a course another equally relevant one would come into my awareness. I filled copious note books with ideas and learning. I met people online from around the world who were equally thirsting for new knowledge about life and living. During this time I also journeyed to India with a group of women from the local yoga studio. It was something definitely outside my comfort zone and helped me see my own capabilities and crystallized my personal direction.
The isolation of Covid gave me the opportunity to establish my blog. It’s title, ‘Healing the Matriarch’, seemed appropriate for the journey I was experiencing. All I had been through now had a purpose in informing others. Between blog posts I enjoyed caring for grandchildren and supporting their online learning while we ‘home-schooled’ through shutdowns. My skills as a teacher became useful. I also shared my personal journey at a local women’s conference.
Changes continued, including the process of our daughter and her family moving to a nearby city. Together we would share possible houses that fit their criteria of location and schools. As they considered various options I decided buying an apartment nearby would allow me a base to visit them. I also kept in the back of my mind that this may become my permanent home. I lovingly gathered furniture and goods for this new abode. I still had a financial stake in the home I had with my husband so I also knew I had to make a decision about our marriage. We had been together over forty years so it wasn’t one to take lightly.
The full circle with additional wisdom
While I had been taking this personal journey of discovery my husband was continuing to live his life independently. Alongside my own growth, he was exploring his own interests and pursuits. While we were separated we continued to communicate which each other. At first these conversations were tense and accusatory. For possibly the first time in our long marriage we were asserting our own needs and learning to advocate for them. Discussions that focused on past decisions we regretted, gave way to establishing a firm line to move forward together in a more conscious way.
I moved back into our home and for the first year or so there was an adjustment to the way we had both changed as individuals. Eventually we were able to find a comfortable enmeshing of our lives through more acceptance and better communication. We learnt to listen to each other rather than react and take things personally. It became easier to see ourselves both individually and as a couple. A mutual respect for each other’s wishes had grown.
The past in the ‘real sense’ does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretation
Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Kaga (The Courage to be Happy)
Moving Forward
Five years on, our marriage and life appear to have come a full circle. Yet the journey in between has been rich with learning and experience. We are not the same people we were back then. At the time trying to find our way into this stage of life. Faltering and at times feeling miserable and unsettled. The people we are now, both individually and as a couple, are wiser and more assured. I am sure we will still have hurdles to overcome in the future but we’re more equipped to handle them.
The major lesson I’ve learned from my experience is to have the courage to grow as an individual apart from others. As your world becomes less busy the focus can turn inward. It’s a time to rediscover who you are and allow that person to inform your identity in your relationships and life choices. Continue to be your own best advocate and friend. Make choices that really resonate with you and make a pact to enjoy your remaining years as fully as possible.
Wow! There is so much in here that amazes and inspires me. You are a remarkable and courageous person, and I value your sharing your experiences and your insight. Thank you.
Thanks Jan, that’s so lovely. As women we have much to learn from each other.